Thoughts... and Then Some

Uuuggghhhh.

2012-02-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

Notice there was no re-cap of photos from last week? That's because all I could think to take pictures of were things like stuffed sausages (which would represent my legs, feet, ankles-that-used-to-be, and toes), pregnant cows (the kind that are so very pregnant you wonder how they are still standing) because I can totally identify with those poor creatures, and empty dishes (because that would represent my brain most of the time). So. I didn't. I'm sure you get the picture though.

Some thoughts.

I am now coming to a true understanding of "I'll do anything to get this kid out of me". I had some vague idea of it before, but now... well. Now. I'm considering taking up jogging... like tonight as the snow comes down and the lights fail to shine on my path. Maybe a little kickboxing? Perhaps using jalapenos as after dinner mints.

I went to the doctor today. No change. Rescheduled for next week. I honestly have to wonder why. I have had several of these "no change" appointments. What happens if there is a change? Does he just tell me "well look at that, there's been a change. Since you're not in labour go home and I'll see you next week." Which leads me to think "Why am I going through this kind of torture? The answer will always be 'no change' until there's definitely change. So why not just wait till the water breaks or those contractions keep on contracting, which are both definite change? If that's the change I'm looking for then I really don't need a doctor to tell me when it's not changing right? Am I right?" I'm probably not right. But it feels good to put it out there anyways. Maybe it will tempt the fates.

Speaking of tempting the fates. In light of recent "no change" status I went ahead and scheduled work meetings right up until the day I'm due and even thought about scheduling some on the day I am due. If that doesn't tempt things I just don't know what will!

I kind of want to take all my measurements right now just so by this time next year I can say "Wow! look how much weight I've lost! And look how many inches I have taken off of my ankles! My sandals fit so beautifully!" And then I'll treat myself to a pedicure... and gelato.

Never fear dear friends, all is not lost though. I may still be carrying this little guy kicking and screaming (he's kicking, I'm screaming) but I have been busy. Never has my pocket book seen so many transactions at the D.I. Shelving has taken on a new life. Paint spatters are on the back porch. Things are indeed hanging on my walls. Yes. The crafty part of me seems to have taken over. I wish I could direct it a little more though since that quilt I started a year and a half ago is still waiting that final strip of fabric and the scarf that would probably be finished in an hour, tops, is still sitting on the shelf.

Here's to life my friends! Glad to have it, mostly glad to carry it! And looking forward to getting out of it! Ha ha! May your week be fruitful... or at least filled with chocolate.

Photos Jan 22-28

2012-01-30T07:00:00.002-07:00

Photos Jan 15-21

2012-01-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

I stole the cow. I don't remember where from else I would totally give credit where credit is due. But it does feel appropriate right now. The end.

Life interrupted...

2012-01-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

I went to Costa Vida today for lunch. I had left over "birthday money" just dying to be spent on something that wouldn't last. And my sweet pork salad did not last that long, but it was oh so tasty. Anyway, not the point.

I was in line right behind a couple. They were probably in their late 40s early 50s or so. The husband was a rather large man and his T-shirt said "Old Men Rock". He had a headset on that was attached to his phone. He was talking rather loudly to someone explaining something or other. Not a big deal but it did draw my attention. It took him a long time to order because he was still talking to the other party, so the line was held up a bit. Still no big deal, I was in no hurry. I eventually got my salad and sat down to enjoy its goodness and reflect on life a bit.

Well, turns out that the couple sat at the table just across from me. The husband was still talking rather loudly on the phone. Since I like to people watch, I did just that. And since I was in no hurry, I took my time. He was on the phone the entire meal. I finished my salad and he was still talking. It still wouldn't have been a big deal, but I'm pretty sure that his wife was a bit annoyed. And as I thought about it I realized that I hadn't heard a single word from her the entire time. I wanted to reach out to her and say "aren't you glad you took the time to have lunch with your husband!" since she was clearly being neglected. She sat in silence and ate her meal with only a small resentful glance now and then towards her dearly beloved. A glance that seemed to say she didn't enjoy it but was not surprised that it was happening. She then cleaned up the table and put a lid on his meal so he could take it home as he was still talking. I had long ago realized that this phone call wasn't a business deal or something hugely important that couldn't be delayed by 15 minutes or so to enjoy lunch with his wife. They eventually got up and went out the door, him still talking.

It got me thinking about how "connected" we can become. And it got me thinking about how being so "connected" can really get in the way of the most important connections of all. Husband, wife, children, friends, relatives, God. There are so many gadgets available to make sure that we don't miss any new bit of information that we almost lose the ability to prioritize and filter things out of our lives. The things that are of no worth. The things that interrupt the very real and tangible connecting factors in our lives for a bit of information on the web. The things that are so convenient and easy to use that a lunch together turned into a husband talking on the phone while the wife sat in silence.

Being one of the few non-IPhone, smart phone, etc. owners, I have become increasingly aware how much it interrupts life. Not because I don't have one, but because everyone else does. I am constantly amazed at how much "information" is being looked up in the middle of a conversation. At the dinner table. During a movie. During a date. During church, work, school, you name it. Information is available at the tips of our fingers 24/7.

While there is value to having such information close at hand, does that mean that every question must be instantly answered whether it is important or not? Will the world stop spinning if the answer to "who was that guy in that one Kevin Bacon movie" isn't immediately found? Is it possible to wait till at least the main entree is eaten before diving in to find such important and useful information? Besides that fact that nothing says "I love you" like "what was it your were saying dear, I was looking up the latest election results? Oh hold that thought, New Hampshire has just begun."

My husband sometimes asks me if I feel "left out" because I don't have an IPhone. Occasionally I wonder if I really am missing out on something. And then I look around on the bus, in the halls of campus, in my own living room at times, and see the masses of people walking/sitting around all involved with their phones, ear buds in place and eyes on their screens. Masses of people crammed together and not talking to each other. Nope, I don't feel left out at all.

Besides. I have a computer that I sit at all day that does all of that and more! And it has a bigger screen so I don't have to squint. And it has the coolest programs on it. Especially the new version of Photoshop and... "what was that dear? ....but I'm blogging.... well hold a towel on it and try not to get blood on my carpet. I'll be up as soon as I finish this post."

It's not the technology that's bad my friends, it's when and how you choose to use it.

Searching

2012-01-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

I find myself searching these days. Searching to solutions for storage problems. Searching for ways to feel just a little bit better, be healthier. Searching for inspiration, creativity, words of wisdom. Searching for a better way to live the life that I have. Searching for answers to questions that I haven't even asked yet. That I don't even know to ask yet.

As the time draws closer for our little guy to arrive (4 weeks my friends!... give or take), I find myself more nervous. I wonder if I am prepared. I wonder if there is even a way to be prepared. I wonder what he'll look like, if my mothering instincts will kick in. I wonder if my depression will come back. I wonder if I'll have the strength to deal with it, whatever "it" is.

I want so very much to enjoy this time of my life. To enjoy every minute of the little life that will be joining our house soon. I plan to. But can you really plan for the unknown? What if he's colicky? What if he never sleeps? What if I never sleep? What if he has other health problems? I declined having the tests done to check for any genetic defaults/problems. At the time I felt certain that it was unnecessary. I didn't want the stress of worrying about it especially since there are so many false alarms and expensive "further testing" that come with genetic testing. I'm not really worried about it. I think I just get overly hormonal at times and get all crazy over nothing. It seems to be happening more and more.

So I search. I keep adding more blogs to my google reader account. Blogs about do it yourself projects, about living life in the moment, about home storage, resourcefulness, and cleaning tips. Searching. Still not sure what I'm searching for.

Perhaps in all of this infertility and pregnancy madness that has had most of my attention these last 3,4,5 years, I've lost a bit of myself. Maybe that's what I'm searching for. That part that I have lost somewhere on this journey. The part that I haven't noticed has even been gone. Huh. I wonder if there's a blog about that.

Photos Jan 8-14

2012-01-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

A little work. A little play. Some things that still need to be put away. Here's to another week my friends. May your Monday be spectacular!

A New Phase

2012-01-10T14:12:00.000-07:00

I've run head on into a new phase of pregnancy and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Well, that's not altogether true. I am pretty sure how I feel about it and it's not so cheery.

1. I can't sleep. I am exhausted but can't seem to actually sleep at night. During the day when I'm supposed to be doing things I could fall asleep at the drop of the hat. But when the lights go out at night something seems to happen. I can't get comfortable. My hips hurt. I roll over every 15 minutes trying to find new comfort in old places. And then I have strange dreams filled with pixies and facebook tallys and convicts. I can't sleep on my stomach for obvious reasons and when I'm on my back for more that 2.5 seconds I start to lose circulation to the lower half of my body. I fear I may have to face the facts and start my night out in the embrace of the over-stuffed recliner rather than my husband.

2. What's up with my ankles. Seriously. Where did they go? I used to have lovely ankles. Shapely ankles. Ankles I could be proud of. These aren't even cankles, they're more like thighnkles. The loosest of socks leave deep imprints and the tops of my feet seem to move of their own accord. I'm just glad this has been a mild winter because I don't have to make shoes fit, I can still get away with sandles.

3. I don't really know my size. I run into people who go "Whoa! What happened to you in the last week?! You doubled in size!" And others who say "You're due when? But you're so tiny!" For the record, I in no way shape or form feel "tiny". I feel huge. I feel the pressure of my belly even in times of relaxation. I am amazed that it's possible (and inevitable) that I'll get bigger than I am. My husband says it feels like I've literally swallowed a basketball. I'm going more for watermelon... a big one. My pregnant belly has made my oversized and unwanted "jugs" look small. I'm not sure where I am, but I'm pretty sure it's not tiny.

4. Pajama bottoms have become my best friend. In fact as soon as I hit the door to the house I change back into my pajama bottoms. They are big. Big and soft and comfy. They don't put undue pressure anywhere. If I could wear them to work I would. If I could wear them to church I would. At least I get my house.

5. The baby no longer "flutters". Fluttering in my belly has been gone for awhile. No movements are small movements. They are big and seemingly violent. My belly moves all the time when he's awake. I can not believe that I have never noticed this in pregnant women before. Of course I never made it a habit to stare at anyone's stomach, but still. If anyone were to pay attention they would see my little bambino trying to break free all. the. time. It kind of makes me laugh... while I'm trying to make myself taller so his feet won't be so very much in my ribs.

So here I am. In the last stages of pregnancy. That blessed time that occurs so that no matter what I have to go through I do it just to get this child out! There are definite things I look forward to. Like eating food and not getting sick and saying goodbye to heartburn. I can't wait to lay on my belly. I know that sleep deprivation is really just beginning and I know not of what I speak since my child is still inside. But still.

I look forward to seeing what my little guy looks like. To holding his wiggly body in my arms instead of in my belly. To putting all of these cute little outfits and blankets to use. To seeing what kind of person my little guy will be. I'm excited, and scared, but mostly excited.

Photos January 1-7

2012-01-09T06:00:00.001-07:00

So one of my goals is to take more pictures. Hopefully I'll actually post them! So far so good right!

One more thing!

2012-01-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot this little tidbit that I absolutely LOVE. It's kind of silly for some but I don't care. My stairs. I have battled the stairs for some time. Not the going up and down, but the keeping them clean. Especially that lovely white part that gets the scuff of the shoes and does not want to come off. In fact, I got out the cleanser and tried my best to get the ugly black marks to come off only to find that the paint was coming off before the black marks would... which brings me to another thing. Apparently the guy who flipped our house used the cheapest stuff possible, as evidenced by the fact that whenever I try to wipe a scuff mark off the wall the paint comes with it. Grrr. So the only solution is to repaint the entire house. Needless to say that isn't happening any time soon. But happen it will... happen it will.

Okay, back to the stairs. I wanted carpet, but just on the white part. I don't like to vacuum carpeted stairs and the wear and tear is just too much. I just wanted some carpet squares that could be glued on to the "up" part of the stair. When I explained what I wanted to both Lowe's and Home Depot they looked at me like I had two heads and said the only way it could be done was to buy carpet by the yard and staple the edges under so it wouldn't fray and even then the wear and tear would probably be too much and I'd be better off carpeting the entire stair case. Well, I showed them! David and I bought two packages of carpet "steps" which only cover half the space, hence the two packages. David did the measuring and a little trimming on the top and I did the gluing. They were already backed on a heavy duty something or other so no fraying! I really quite liked the way it turned out, no yardage of expensive carpet or staples. In fact I think it cost us right around $18.00 to do 13 stairs. And honestly, is there that much wear on the "up" part of your stairs?

Some things I've done

2012-01-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

I told you there was more to wrapping things up. Mostly because such efforts on my part should be known! Not because they are spectacular per se, but more because I actually got off my hind end and did something!

For this, I was really tired of having mail all over the place. I knew that I wanted something on the wall but everything was either too office-y looking or just too expensive. So I found this beauty at the DI and added a few touches. Now it keeps my mail organized... or at least off the kitchen counter.

I've wanted shelves in the living room for awhile, but again, expense. I also wanted a magazine holder. Not just anything though. My grandma Robbins had one that my mother now has and I have always loved it. Mostly the memories and the nicks and scratches that just said Grandma. However my mother absolutely would not part with it. So I found this at the DI and snatched it up. It's the same style, just needed some love. And the shelf is self explanatory. Didn't get a before of the small one, but here's the finished products on all.

I really like the way the magazine holder turned out. I like the streaks with the black underneath.

And the grand finale. Our upstairs bathroom has largely driven me crazy with it's 70/80s style everything. So little by little we've been updating. New toilet, new cast iron bathtub with cultured marble finishing (the old one was hideous and kind of gave me the creeps. Perhaps it was the cigarette stain on the tub that would not come off) and finally the updating of the mirror/shelves. I knew what I wanted as far as shelving to replace the hideous sliding cupboard attached to the mirror but could not find anything. Until Target that is.

David and I found the shelves at Target and the mirror at Tai Pan. So for a grand total of $50.00 we completely updated our look! And I love it. Now to replace the cabinets and the faucet. But that's a ways off.

Please notice the plastic icky looking sliding doors.

That's it for this installment. I would like to give a special shout out to Sharon who has no idea that she taught me how to look at thrift store stuff through a can of spray paint! My life may be changed forever!

Wrapping Up

2012-01-04T10:43:00.001-07:00

Moderation.

That was my word for 2011 and I loved it. I made quite a few changes in my life with the promptings and promises of this word. I dropped to part-time in my job. I looked at my life more realistically. I actually said "no" to some things. But mostly I learned to let go of others.

Moderation has taught me to take a good long look at some of my "must dos" and realize that there's a lot of stuff out there that simply is not worth the hassle. Of course this lesson came on full force with the level of sickness that I experienced during that wonderful 1st trimester and then some of pregnancy. I stopped doing things and the world did not come to an end.

It also taught me to be more moderate in my thinking about myself and others. Perfection, though worth striving for, is not the end all be all. In fact, I'm not sure that most of our definitions of perfection are actually correct. Like art, beauty/perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Could it be possible that we perceive perfection where it doesn't exist? Like in other people's homes or family lives? Or even how other's think of themselves?

One of the most pertinent lessons I've been taught this year is that how I see things isn't always how they are. In fact just recently I found out how very very wrong my perception was concerning a dear friend of mine. It's a mistake I hope to not make again.

All in all it was a good year. I have learned, I have grown, and I have become a slightly better person in some aspects and there's a whole lot more to go before this ride we call life is over. I am looking very much forward to this coming year and what it has in store.

I do have a few more wrap up things but they will be in another post. So until next time, enjoy this unseasonably warm weather! Is it January or March?!

Out with the old, In with the new.

2012-01-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about this year.

There are so many built in changes right on the horizon. The most exciting/trying/unknown being the coming of our new little addition. The one that is "scheduled" for February 16th but will really come right when he is good and ready to come.

As I've been thinking about some of the challenges that our little guy will present us with, it's led me to want to change things even more. I want to be more resourceful and more simple at the same time. I don't want to spend time on things that aren't going to get me what I want, or really the peace and happiness that I am striving for. I don't want to waste my time on things that are of no worth while neglecting the things that are.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

So my "goal" for 2012 is to be Simple and Resourceful.

I want to be able to provide for my family on a shoe string budget. I want to make my house a home with my own talents and scavengering skills. I want to spend less and get more from it. I want less stuff in my house and more enjoyment from what I do have. Simple and resourceful.

Along with that comes some more defineable goals. I want to take pictures more often. I want to write more often. I want to reflect and re-evaluate more often. It may be a lot to hope for but since it's my goal then I have license to get rid of it! Such power right!

So out with the old and in with the new!

Christmas... gone?

2011-12-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit torn this time of year. I have so completely and thoroughly enjoyed this Christmas season that I can hardly believe it's coming to an end. So much so that I might be fighting it just a little bit.

I understand the reclaiming of the living room, the getting back to usual and comfortable routines. The getting back to "normal". This year though, I'm not so sure I want "normal" back yet.

Did you know that the United States is about one of the only places that ties the Christmas season with the shopping season? It's true. In countries throughout the world the 12 Days of Christmas actually start on Christmas Day. The celebration lasts till January 5th or 6th depending on when you choose to end it. You can check out your friendly Wikipedia page under "12 Days of Christmas" for all the details. It's a bit baffling but I find that I really like the principle. It may be because I didn't get all the people visited that I wanted to. Or the fact that my Christmas card ambition that started in October didn't come full circle and actually get delivered. But mostly it's because I'm just not ready for all of the Christmas songs to go away. I'm not ready for the lights to come down and be plunged unceremoniously into the January blahs. I want to keep the lights that break up these dark days. I want to continue to feel that "Christmas Spirit" that goes away all too quickly.

So yeah. I'm the crazy person that will keep the tree up until sometime in January. You will continue to hear Christmas songs on my playlist, though not as many. I will still have Christmas on my mind, whether sharing the stories of this year or planning for the Christmas Season of next year. And for the record, I'm going to try really hard next year not to let the commercialism of the shopping season determine how I will celebrate the birth of our Savior.

May peace on earth, good will to men last a little longer this coming year.

"Twas the Night Before Christmas and...

2011-12-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what to do!

For the first time in 36 years I do not have a pre-planned Christmas Eve. David and I usually find ourselves with family, but since Christmas is on Sunday and we are a definite part of the Sunday program... well. Just doesn't make sense to go anywhere till after the program.

It's odd. I have been looking forward to this time of our lives so much and now I find myself at a complete loss! What to do on Christmas Eve.

So. What do you do? Fun family traditions? Non-traditions?

I'm considering options but I really don't want it to be a "stay at home and clean the house" type of Saturday. I want something special, just not quite sure what will fit the niche.

Needless to say, your suggestions are more than welcome.

In all the earth is growing...

2011-12-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

I love Christmas. I love the feelings of warmth and joy that surround the season. I love the tree and the lights and the songs and decor. I love the white blanket of snow that covers up the "dead" of Fall. I love that people are doing things for each other. I love that it's a bit easier for each of us to feel a little less selfish and look out for the needs of others. I love that we try to find ways to surprise the ones we love with the perfect gift.

At the same time it does get a little stressful. The perfect gift is often quite hard to find and sometimes never makes itself known. It's easy to fall into the trap of commercialism and think that maybe the simple Christmas that you have planned this year is kind of stupid. That you should budget more or throw caution to the wind and stop worrying about how much to spend. And then...

You stop. Remember your goals. Remember why the good feelings that come with Christmas are actually there. In sacrament meeting today we sang "With Wondering Awe" for the closing hymn. It's one of my favorites. "With wond'ring awe the wise men saw The star in heaven springing, and with delight, in peaceful night, They heard the angels singing: Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna to his name!" I know that Christ is the reason for the season. It is Him that makes this time of year so special.

I have the privilege of leading the music in sacrament meeting every Sunday and I have really come to love it. I have paid more attention to the words of the songs that ever before in my life. I try to add expression to the words and feel in my heart what it coming out of my mouth. "By light of star they traveled far To seek the lowly manger, A humble bed wherein was laid The wondrous little Stranger." "The heav'nly star its rays afar On every land is throwing, And shall not cease till holy peace In all the earth is growing. Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna to his name!"

The message of Christ, His birth, His life, His death, His resurrection, is the light of that star. Every year we get that reminder and it "shall not cease till holy peace in all the earth is growing."

This year we will have a simple Christmas. We'll enjoy the lights and the music. We'll give small gifts of love. We'll skip the debt, the shopping mania and the stress. We'll enjoy the company of family and friends and thank God for the gift of this season, the gift of good friends, the gift of forever families. And most importantly we'll thank Him for the gift of His Son.

Blessings

2011-11-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning next to the man I love (that would be my husband in case anyone is wondering) and couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the blessings that are a part of my life.

To start out with, have I mentioned how much I just love my in-laws? Well it's true. This Thanksgiving was held at our house. Usually we are at either my parents or David's parents, but it was a little different this year. We hosted it at our house and invited my in-laws and my parents. Ten adults were in our not so large house and the Thanksgiving feast fell to me.

I admit, at first I was a bit nervous but as assignments were made and the cooking was well underway I only semi fell apart a couple of times. Once was with the pies. Banana cream to be exact. First round (fortunately made on Wednesday), the crust decided to not cooperate and balloon up behind my back. Couldn't fill them if I wanted to. After a terse round of choice words, I sent my sister to the store to buy some frozen crusts. They baked up wonderfully so I made the filling. That wonderful home made banana cream pie filling which I have made several times before and has always turned out so very tasty and perfect and wonderful and this time decided not to set up... not even a little. We had banana cream soup. Tasty banana cream soup, but soup nonetheless.

Second almost tragedy was the yams. When doing a large amount of yams in the crock pot it is best to start them cooking several days before. Okay. Slight exaggeration. However, when the turkey was done and we were getting the last of the food all prepared, the yams were as hard as ever. Thanks to the genius of people who can think with a more level head than my pregnant self right now, into the microwave they went and turned out beautifully!

So, dinner was on the table a full 15 minutes before we had planned and it went beautifully! And my mother's mashed potatoes were so creamy. We all talked and laughed and laughed and talked and just enjoyed the day. And then my wonderful wonderful father-in-law did the best thing ever! He did the dishes! I mean it! How cool is that! The rest of the evening was spend playing games and laughing and talking, eating pie and enjoying each other's company. I was thrilled. Thrilled to have everyone there, thankful to hear people talking, and just overjoyed that my parents enjoyed it as much as everyone else seemed to.

Friday brought on a breakfast of Dutch pancakes and bacon and then a loading of the car as people traveled back home. David, Abby (my sister who is living with us now) and I then pretended to clean things up but really didn't. Sat in our pajamas, watched three movies, played board games, ate leftovers and stayed in pajamas the entire day! The most glorious Black Friday ever.

So today I am here. Overwhelmed a bit with thankfulness for all the wonderful people in my life. For my family on both sides. Both sides of which I just absolutely love. Words almost cannot express how much. Thankful for my home, for our neighbors, our ward family, our friends. Thankful for the incredible women of book club and the joy and laughter they bring to my life. Thankful for my friends at work and the support they are to me. Thankful for the bestest husband ever who makes me laugh and understands me when I go crazy. Who loves me. Thankful for the little guy that will be a part of our lives even more in February. Thankful for doctors who know what they are doing. Thankful for God. For his blessings, his tender mercies, his hand in all parts of our lives.

Today we will decorate for Christmas. Get a tree, put up lights, and start making our own magic of the season. That magic that comes because of this special time of year. When we think of others and how we can give to them. When it is a little easier to follow the teachings of Christ and put the needs of others before our own. To celebrate his birth and the miracle of his life. He is the reason for the season.

Ok, I'm back...

2011-11-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

... literally.

This happened a few weeks ago, but it really does need to be blogged about. So I hopped in my car to go to work and noticed that with the cooling of the weather my tires really needed a boost of air. So I stopped at the Chevron because they let you use their air pump for free. I was dressed in a sweater and scarf and gloves as I bent down to check the tire pressure and fill them up accordingly. It was at this moment that I realized that bending down for long periods of time are not fun in my current pregnant state. In fact, I was unable to really bend and ended up squatting, all legs out and butt bigger than life type of squat. And still I struggled. One of the hoses didn't work so I had to change in the middle and over all the quick stop to fill up the tires ended up taking a ridiculous amount of time. I wasn't worried though cause there weren't many people around.... at least I thought. It was after I got up from the last tire all red faced and big butt squatted out that I noticed the car to my right. The one that hadn't moved for a while. The one that had a male driver in it patiently waiting for his turn at the air pump. The one that witnessed my whole show of big butt squattedness. I couldn't even pretend that there was any kind of view to admire. There was no delicate super-model bending over. Just large and in charge.

Two thoughts: "Oi" and "Dude, what kind of a person are you to watch a pregnant woman struggle while you sit in your car!" Chivalry just might be dead my friends.

Constant Vigilance!!

2011-10-24T08:52:00.000-06:00

Let's talk about some things that I have learned during this whole pregnancy experience. Things that many many many of you already know, but since this is my first time and I'm fairly fascinated by everything... well, you're just gonna have to bear with me.

1. I think it's the coolest thing since sliced bread when my little guys starts moving around. I am almost spellbound at times. I'm pretty sure it's the single most cool thing about pregnancy. The weight gain, sickness, sleeplessness, etc. Yeah. I can do without those. But movement. That's just cool.

2. Speaking of sickness. I have learned that no matter how good you think you feel, don't stop taking that little yellow pill that really does help whether you think so or not. You see, yesterday I got all busy and spacey and forgot to take said pill at all. Usually I take two. Yesterday I took none. This morning I paid the price. Rather than the busy and fruitful plan A day, it's turned into a plan B day which is take it easy and stay close to the bathroom. Yes my friends, the yellow pill really does work. Constant vigilance.

3. A baby belly is liberating and should be enjoyed... at least for awhile. As I went to the gym that one time last week, I looked around at all the skinny little things there working out and for once I didn't feel less than. Sure you may be tanned and toned and fit and skinny... but I have a baby! Booyeah! (Okay, I have no idea how to spell it but that's the feeling.) I can be proud of my belly instead of hiding it from prying eyes. It's quite nice to hit that point of "obviously pregnant" instead of "is it just me or does she seriously need to lay off the fried foods".

4. Not all French Fries are created equal. Sometimes I crave them. In order to save some money we purchased a bag of frozen French fries. I am here to tell you that unless you plan on deep frying those babies (which we never do) then it's a waste of time. Always go for the real deal. Center Street Grill has some good fries by the way. So does the Marketplace on campus. Oh how I love meeting days when I get fed at work.

I'm sure if I thought about it there would be more profound lessons and such, but let's face it, you're lucky to have gotten this at all! Apparently the porcelain gods have a way of focusing my attention. Here's to plan B my friends, may your day be spectacular!

Stream of Conciousness

2011-10-21T12:02:00.000-06:00

I can't put things together in my head. I sit down to write and well... it's not pretty. Nothing comes together. So today you get random. It's all I can give.

1. I was introduced to Twizlberry yesterday and I'm pretty sure the baby is going to be craving it a lot.

2. It's my job to take care of my baby so I really can't deny him can I.

3. I love people who set a good example, especially in leadership positions... like those who are leading the youth, particularly the young women. (more on that later if I can concentrate long enough to put things into words.)

4. I went to the gym today.

5. I did not die.

6. Of course I didn't try very hard and I read a book the entire time.

7. I really enjoyed it. I might even try again sometime.

8. This week has been all over the place. Mostly because my dad has been in the hospital.

9. The last three days turned out to be for nothing which kind of stinks because he was going a bit stir crazy.

10. However kudos to Logan Regional because they took the last three days off the bill. I think that's pretty cool myself.

11. Yesterday we had a pizza party in my dad's room and my brother and his "clan" came and we ended up having a rather rowdy bout of surgical glove balloon volleyball.

12. And my nephew kept hitting the call button for the nurse.

13. I'm not sure what the hospital staff thought of all of us, but we still had fun.

14. 11 people in a hospital room is rather crowded.

15. Dad is doing okay though. Has an appointment in Ogden on Monday with a heart rhythm specialist. That's good news.

16. I like potatoes.

17. It's a good things cause I get them for free.

18. I wonder if the baby will like chocolate when he's out of the womb cause I don't think he likes it now.

19. Did I mention Twizlberry?

20. Would it be bad to have that and only that for lunch?

21. I did go to the gym after all.

Have a lovely weekend ya'll. Perhaps you'll even hear from me again before another two weeks goes by!

Catching Up: The Montana Days

2011-10-12T19:13:00.000-06:00

Okay, so like forever ago, or really the weekend of Sept 25, 2011, David and I skipped town and headed to Bozeman Montana to spend time with my brother Eli and his family. They were so good to put us up for the weekend and let us intrude on their space. It was really fun though. Filled with late nights, lots of laughter, games, a quick tour of downtown Bozeman (most everything closed at 5 pm on Saturday! We were more than a little surprised) and a trip to the lake. I honestly can't remember what the lake was called and I'm totally blaming it on pregnancy brain. It was fun though. So for your enjoyment:

Axel just could not stay away from floating things and dirt.

David and I in all our glory.

Eli, looking cool as ever.

Velvet and Axel, Eli and Grady. The fam.

My husband showing of his rugged handsomeness mixed with a healthy dose of cheese.

Did I ever mention he cannot go by a body of water without skipping rocks... no? Well it's true. He was the expert, right up until he fell over a rock and landed on is backside that is. Classic.

I have no idea what they are looking at but it must be good.

Grady and Velvet.

All in all it was a fun time and a much needed break from the Logan that I love.

Some Things

2011-09-21T09:04:00.000-06:00

1. I have discovered where the smell is coming from that makes me hate my basement. It's coming from the laundry room. I don't know what's causing it yet, but the door was shut for awhile and blocked by a towel and I found I that the smell has dissipated and I didn't want to gag when going into the basement. When I opened to door to do the laundry I almost fell over with the power of the smell. So good news is that I can shut the door and enjoy the basement, bad news is that I still have to do laundry! Oh the horror.

2. I went to a seminar yesterday. The key phrase there is that "I went". That in itself is an accomplishment. I got out of the house and actually did something! My outlook thanks me and I'm sure my paycheck will too.

3. But really, about the seminar. It was good. It was inspiring. It was a motivational seminar designed to not make our work better but to make us better as people in all aspects of our lives. If we are better people then better work will naturally follow. It was filled with phrases like "Humility is the pathway to power"; "Insight changes eyesight", "Our life follows our language" and my favorite "I am a human becoming not a human being". It was good food for thought. Glad I went.

4. With the discovery of the origins of the "bad smell" I might just end up moving my office back down stairs. I really should put quotes around "office" because it's kind of a joke. It's just the laptop. I wouldn't mind my ergonomically correct office chair back though. So much better than a stool.

5. I crafted. Crazy huh. I haven't felt like doing that in months! But I started and I enjoyed it! I made a wreath for the front door, Fall signs to hang from my banister and a pretty good start on Christmas cards. I figure when you're in the zone just keep going. It felt good, but now I have to clean up the mess it made on the kitchen table. Sadly I don't seem to be discovering a "zone" for that yet.

May your day be lovely.

Rebellion and all it's Gloriousness: The Teenage Years

2011-09-19T10:39:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my teenage rebellion years. Well really teenagers in general. There are so many things to worry about especially when you are a parent to said teenager. I know several people who are struggling to deal with their troubled teen and are experiencing the frustrations of watching them make wrong or stupid decisions. They are worried about the path they might be on. They are worried that their child will make some of the same mistakes that they did while growing up.

My heart goes out to those parents. I want to speak calm and peace to their souls. I want to help them see the good parents they are and give them some rest. But I don't have children. I don't have a troubled teen. Right now I just have the prospects of this little guy or gal fluttering around inside of me. But I have been paying attention.

I paid attention to what my mom said when she needed a sounding board that wasn't my father. I listened as she discovered things that she would have done differently in raising her older children versus her younger ones. I come from a family of 7 kids and I'm the second one in. My youngest brother is 14 years younger than me. My parents learned a lot in that time span about agency and picking your battles. Things that they wish they had of known with me and my older brother. So a couple of days ago I called my mother for a refresher course in teenagers. I want to share them with you in hopes that something will help and in hopes that approximately 13-14 years from now I can remember them when I'm in the midst of my own teenager's angst.

First let's talk about Rebellion. The big scary word that everyone is afraid that their teenager will experience. We tremble with fear not knowing when it will hit. Not knowing how we're going to deal with it. So let's try to put it in perspective. There was a fireside given in my home stake that my mother attended dealing specifically with teenagers. The speaker (whom I think is Brother Barrett of the Logan LDS Institute and is a very dear person to me and has helped me through a lot) said that teenage rebellion is a glorious time! An exciting time. What!! you say? A glorious time! Isn't that the opposite of what we want?!

It is a glorious and exciting time because your children are starting to ask the questions that they know the answers to. I couldn't help but think of primary. The 11-year-olds specifically. In Primary they are the top dogs. They have heard every lesson and they have the "Sunday school" answers down pat. They know it all and some have a tendency to roll their eyes when asked to participate in lessons. (This is a huge generality but I have seen entire classes afflicted with the eye-rolling disease, so it is out there, but forgive me if your child doesn't fit the category.) And they do know the answers... intellectually. But a lot of the times they haven't experienced the question yet. Not for real. They know the answers but they don't know the power of those answers in their own lives yet.

That's what teenagehood is for. This is the time when they start asking the questions that they know the answers to. They start finding out for themselves whether prayer is important or not. Scripture study, taking the sacrament, going to church. They start figuring out where they want to stand. And best of all, they are doing it in the safety of your home! That's right folks. At the end of the day they are still under your roof. They have that safety net of a loving and concerned family to come home to and the stability that it provides. They still have to borrow your car, they still have to get permission from you. And they still have to abide by the rules, you know, the "as long as your under our roof" rules. In fact, this speaker stated that it's the seemingly "straight arrows" that sometimes scare him the most. They do everything perfect but have never questioned why or developed the solid foundation of their own personal testimony. When their rebellious stage, or time of questioning hits then they have a lot more to lose with more serious consequences, like failed marriages or jail time. Again a huge generality but put in perspective I would rather have my teenager do a little rebellious time under my roof than out where I have no safety net for them anymore.

So, what can parents do to provide the most teenage friendly atmosphere for them to rebel in? Well here's the wisdom that my mother's hind sight provides us with. It's not perfect but it's more than I had to go on before.

First: Establish the rules. This is best done in a family council where all participants have a say and therefore buy in. It is also important that the family council is a safe place, not the time to get uptight about everything, but where everyone can express their opinions without fear of retribution. It is especially important for your teenager to feel they are being heard, that they have a voice. At the same time you can express your concerns and fears as well. As an extra added bonus, this also takes the "bad guy" tag off of you!

Second: Set consequences for breaking the rules. Make sure that these are things you can live with since you are the enforcer in this matter. And if you are establishing curfews I recommend a phone call option. If the kid knows he's going to be late then call and give mom and dad a heads up rather than leaving you to stew at home wondering whether they are dead on the side of the road and when it's appropriate to call the police. Also, don't come down hard on everything. Let the punishment fit the crime. If it's a little thing then don't come down with everything you got in order the "squelch" the rebellion right out of him. My parents did that on my little brother only to find out that he figured since he was gonna get in big trouble for everything he might as well do something really bad to make the experience worth the punishment.

Third: Find ways to make sure your kids know they are loved. With my younger brothers especially my mom started insisting on a hug every night. It was cool when they were little but the older they got the more eye-rolls and "you gotta be kidding me's" came into play. They balked. But do you know what? They didn't really think it was that bad. Would never admit it, but I could see it in their eyes right after they rolled them. She would hug them and tell them she loved them and goodnight and despite everything there was a little more light in their eyes. Usually accompanied by more muttering and a muffled goodnight back and some kind of manly grunt. It is part of the safety net. Teenagers especially need that reaffirmation that they are loved because so much around them tells them they are not. And quite a bit of the time you'll really not feel like telling them, and they'll really do nothing to deserve it. But that doesn't change the fact it is needed desperately.

Fourth: Don't be afraid of your teenager. Don't be afraid they won't like you or don't want to be your friend. It's okay. You are the parent and bottom line is that you love them and deep down they love you. Hold on to that. You might not get affirmation of that love for a long long time, so hold on to those memories when they were little and did express it. You will hear it again. Just be that solid foundation for them when they need it.

Fifth: Strengthen yourself. Make sure that you are doing the things that you are supposed to be doing. Set that example. Do your best to live how you want your children to live when they grow up.

Sixth: Have Faith. "Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision" - Neil L. Andersen. Have faith in God. Have faith in the example you are setting. Many of you out there are worried, almost paralyzed with fear at times that your children will follow in your footsteps making the same mistakes that you did in high school. Please realize that your children see you as you are today. Not the person you were in High School. Please realize that you are providing your children with a much different experience growing up than you had. Many of you come from broken homes and inactive families. What environment are your children growing up in? Is it the same? Have you learned from your past?

Seventh and last but not least: Give yourself a break! Be merciful with yourself. Forgive yourself. Cut yourself some slack! This is your first time raising this particular child. And this is the first time he/she will be a teenager! You are both figuring things out and you are both making mistakes. God knows that and he is absolutely incredible at putting things in your life to help you both out. His mercy will help. His grace will compensate. He cares about what happens to both of you. Will it all be perfect? Absolutely not. Will there be heartache? You bet! Will you wonder what you could have done better? Absolutely. Did you do your best anyways? Of course. Of course you did, and of course you still are. The Lord knows that. He will help.

Okay. There it is. There's my blah blah blah on things that I will have to deal with in the future. I hope some of it helps. I hope you parents can go a little more easy on yourselves.

One more thing. As I was talking to my mom a few things occurred to me. I did not have the best high school experience. There was a time when I was grounded for pretty much the entire year. I would get off of groundation just long enough to break the rules again and get grounded again. I was a mess and a bundle of joy to live with, let me tell ya. As I look back I realized that even though I knew the consequences of my actions, absolutely nothing was going to stop me from breaking the rules. No amount of punishment would do the trick. It's like I had this need to see if I could get away with it. The hammer always came down and I was never surprised. My parents were frustrated beyond belief and we didn't exactly get along. But still, nothing was going to keep me from breaking those rules until one day. I realized that I was tired of fighting with my parents. I realized that I wasn't happy and that I didn't want to live like this anymore. I realized that something needed to change and I took action and made those changes. What I'm trying to say is that no amount of lecturing or nagging or anything was going to make a difference until I saw for myself the need to change. It was something I felt. It wasn't like a lecture had finally set it, it was that I had finally asked the right question and then the answers that I learned in Primary had meaning. I wanted to be happy again and I knew how to do it.

Provide that solid foundation, be the safety net, establish the rules and love your children. You are wonderful! You are doing something marvelous and worthy of praise. You are being parents.

Don't Worry, I can Blackmail Myself! Part 4

2011-09-14T11:34:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since I have written anything truly embarrassing about myself. So why not revive that genre of my writing and really go all in.

I woke up this morning with songs from Information Society in my head. It brought back many memories so I got on ITunes and bought the album for a trip down memory road. While I was listening to one song in particular it brought me right back to a Junior High/ High School crush and potato harvest. Odd combination I know, but have you met me? Enough said.

So. This boy, who shall remain nameless, was a year older than me in high school and didn't know I existed outside of Jarom's little sister. You see he was friends with my brother. He had many. I thought they were so cool. And hence my crush. Well in Junior High, which explains some of it, I expressed my secret love by making a picture. It was a full sheet of pink and red hearts with a large heart in the center with this boy's name in the middle. I was not stupid enough to have it at school with me, so I taped it to the back of my bedroom door... a place of honor. Later this door was to house posters of Brett Michaels, Sebastian Bach, and a plethora of other bands. But not in Junior High.

I thought I was safe in my unknown crush. I don't think I told a single friend about it. But alas, the fates conspired against me. Imagine my surprise when one day my brother had this particular friend over and I found this guy walking out of MY ROOM! There's no way he missed my awesome hearted junior high crushing expression of puppy love. I wanted to die right there on the spot. I don't even know what I did after that. I don't know what he said or did, I just wanted to die.

From then on I knew I could never even hope of him giving me the time of day. Though that didn't stop the crush. Information Society was one of the tapes we listened to over and over during potato harvest. Anytime "Repetition" came on it reminded me of my crush... the one I still had. The one that was accompanied by feelings of humiliation. It really makes no sense... now that I think about it this all explains a lot about my high school experience. Huh.

Enjoy.

It's Just Not Fair!

2011-09-13T13:01:00.000-06:00

There's a significant amount of whining in that title.

You know how I said I was over the morning sickness? And that I felt better? And that life was on the up and up?

Scratch that. That "flu" turns out to be morning sickness back with a vengeance! I got sick again yesterday and spent all day trying to keep something down. At the end of the day I found that chicken enchiladas are definitely NOT anything I want coming up again. I went to bed about 11:30 after an exhausting day and woke up again at 2:30 to more stomach pains and trips to the bathroom. Back to bed, up at 3, 3:45, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... David called the doctor and we got an appointment early this morning.

Verdict. This is not the flu. This is me. This is my second trimester, the honeymoon of pregnancy that I apparently don't get to experience. I now have stronger (hopefully) medication and orders to stay hydrated 1 teaspoon of Gatorade at a time. Since getting pregnant I have lost 10 pounds. I kind of wish that I felt that were a plus, but right now I just feel miserable.

On the positive side I have accepted my fate. I no longer fight it the way I did during the first trimester as it was all coming down. The change, the life-never-being-the-same-again, the inability to work. Now I am just accepting it. Doing what I can. Messy house and all. There are a few good days in the mix. Sunday was wonderful. Went to church the whole time, made dinner, went on walk and enjoyed the day. That's why Monday morning was so dang discouraging, maddening, frustrating! After today though I can either fight it or go with the flow so to speak. It's going to beat me either way so I might as well go with it. My paycheck is seriously suffering though. Sigh.

So there's me. Here I am once again. No real way to plan things because I have no idea if I'm ever going to feel good on any certain day. I'm so glad I felt good for Def Leppard though. Perhaps that was one of the Lord's tender mercies.

Wish me luck my friends, wish me luck.... oh and if I should answer the door looking like death warmed over... don't judge me. Thanks.

Sometimes ya just gotta

2011-09-09T13:51:00.000-06:00

So. My husband is awesome. He's smart, he's witty, he's loving, he's kind. But for some reason all of his smarts and learning and random fact giving are not enough to make up for a few simple things. Like the making of Jello. This is not the first Jello incident where I've wondered about my husbands IQ, but this is certainly the most entertaining. In fact I laughed out loud when I saw the results.

You see, yesterday was rotten, absolutely rotten. Apparently there's a bug going around and I got it bad...BAD. I was visiting the porcelain gods yesterday roughly every 15-20 minutes whether there was something "in there" or not. This did not stop till roughly 11:30 last night and I'm sure that was due to sheer exhaustion.

This morning I laid in bed not daring to move and was dying of thirst. David was getting ready for work and I asked him to make some apple juice and some Jello before he left. I figured those would both be easy on the stomach as well as provide some nourishment and wonderful blessed moisture. So with the Jello I told him to add the ice instead of water as it would set faster. He did it, I thanked him profusely and he was on his way to work.

When I finally dared to drag myself out of bed at 11:30 this morning, I checked on the Jello and just laughed.

You see instead of stirring the ice cubes until they melted, he just threw them in and stuck it in the fridge.

It is especially good viewing it from the bottom.

I poured the excess water off and jigglers will have to do.

Did I mention I love this man! I do. May not be the best Jello but it was sure a needed laugh this morning.

Welcome Back

2011-09-06T19:05:00.000-06:00

Welcome back my long lost September days when the nights cool off and the feeling of Fall in all it's gloriousness is just around the corner.

Welcome back smelly Bath and Body Works lotions. I'm so very glad that you no longer make me gag.

Welcome back high school music and the memories and excitement. This was specifically brought to me by Def Leppard and the best concert I've attended in a very long time. Thank you Def Leppard for still being talented. Thank you for not disappointing. Thank you for happy memories and for giving my husband a newer appreciation for your awesomeness.

Welcome back food and all your flavors. I know, it's still early and I still have a beef with beef (ha!) but oh Alfredo sauce how I've missed you. And variety, you couldn't have come at a better time. Nothing against ramen and pot pies but...

Welcome back ice cream. I know we still have a tentative relationship but my foray into the arms of an ooey gooey caramel and brownie DQ blizzard truly brought joy to not only my taste buds but my heart as well. I hope that we are not parted for so long again.

Welcome back energy. I know there will be days when you escape me once again, but I'm so glad to get a glimpse of what you once were in my life. I promise to try to not waste you or take you for granted again.

Welcome back hope for the future and the excitement that accompanies you. It's been awhile, I'm glad to see you again.

Anything back in your life?

As the World Turns

2011-08-30T15:04:00.000-06:00

I used to think that the scientists had it right. The Earth was spinning on an axis of sorts keeping the delicate balance up that keeps most of us from burning or freezing. Natural disasters, global warming and all that jazz aside of course.

This past month has taught me something entirely different. My world revolves around my couch! The couch is what is keeping the delicate balance of my life. It's proximity to the bathroom, the tv remote, and various items of food. Okay, well not so various. August has brought to my delicate palate Chicken Pot Pies, Chicken Ramen Noodles, Pringles Salt and Vinegar chips, and three kinds of cereal. Sometimes the pot pie is for lunch and the ramen for dinner, sometimes I get wild and crazy and switch it up. I know, hold me back! But that's not what this is about.

So what is this about? Well I'll tell ya. As I've been wallowing in despair, depression, morning/all-day sickness, and finding a will to live, I've learned a few things.

1. Good friends are absolutely invaluable. Especially when you've dropped off the face of the communication earth and they still love and support you.

2. It's okay if you have to take something to get through the day. I've struggled with depression before but have always been able to keep it at bay with regular exercise and a good daily routine. Pregnancy changed that. And that's okay. Modern medicine is a good thing. So are therapists. So are conference talks online and inspirational music. Things are really looking up.

3. I am most definitely not the only one who struggles right now. My struggle is dealing with something that will ultimately fulfill everything that I have really wanted. To be a mom. I have a reward at the end. So many others are struggling right now with no end in sight. Family, friends, perfect strangers. In my self-wallowing pity party (which was completely justified, acceptable, and often beyond my control to stop by the way) I haven't seen much past me. Now, as the dark cloud over my head has been lifting, I am seeing so much more. So many who need a helping hand and support and love. To know that they are OK and wonderful, marvelous, incredible people. To have someone tell them that it's going to be OK. That even though they can't see a way out right now, it's still there. The clouds will lift. There will be happiness again.

My husband did that for me. My friends did that for me. My family did that for me. Angels come in so many forms. So to you all, and you know who you are, Thank You. A long overdue thank you.

And now to go forward. I've had a few really good days. I won't be so naive as to think that the bad ones are over forever. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. There is joy.

Let me sum up

2011-07-30T16:06:00.000-06:00

There are some things that I want to talk about. Random things. They don't go together. They probably don't even make sense. But that's okay, my brain has been compromised.

1. First. Let's talk about how awesome my husband is. He's awesome. He's wonderful. He's trying to finish the bathroom. He's getting ready for Scout Camp. He's cooking me breakfast. He's working full time. He's doing the grocery shopping. And he's cleaning the bathrooms. He's a saint. No other word for it.

2. I am spending a sad sad sad amount of time trying to feel better. Something strange has happened with this whole thing. I'm still feeling pretty mediocre during the day, but between 6 & 7 pm I start to feel really really really awful. Like wishing for death. Like wondering why the medication has stopped working. I sit on the couch not daring to move because if I do I start to heave. With or without medicine I have been having an evening visit with the porcelain gods. This has me seriously concerned about Book Club this coming week.

3. Wednesday I went to Girl's Camp. I was the special speaker and I was so stinkin' nervous! But do you know what? I turned out great! Marvelous! Just what I needed. I love that the Lord compensates for my inadequacies and nervousness. Simply marvelous. I found myself awash in Girls' camp memories from back in the day and wished that I could just stay up there with them. I was exceptionally jealous of the leaders who looked to be having a marvelous time. Someday perhaps I will have that opportunity again.

4. I actually cleaned the house today. Crazy huh!! Dishes, vacuuming, mopping, laundry. Done. Feels great.

The end. For now.

I Want...

2011-07-21T11:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had meetings at work. I was headed up a bit early so I could be good and prepared but then something happened. I look up into the mouth of the canyon and it called to me. I made all the wrong turns to get to work and headed for Logan Canyon instead. I haven't been up the canyon at all this year and I didn't know how much I missed it. I rolled down the windows, turned off the radio and took a drive.

It brought back so many memories. There was a time when I spent at least two days a week somewhere in the canyon. Hiking the trails, finding a quiet spot by the river, letting the cold water wash over my feet. It made me want it back again. I find myself yearning to have those times back again.

So right now, this is what I want.

* I want to start a campfire in the canyon by the river and roast hot dogs and smores. Even if I don't eat them I still want to do it. And I want to be surrounded by friends when I do it, and play stupid games and talk about stupid things and just enjoy the carefree relaxedness of it all.

* I want to float the Snake River again in my life. Oh how I wish I could now. The freedom of being on the river with one foot in the water, an oar in hand, surrounded by carefree friends. Sun shining, laughter in the air, the excitement and thrill of the rapids coming up. Oh I really want that back.

* I want to play in the water at Bear Lake, lathered with sunscreen and playing with some kind of silly floating toy. I want to eat sandwiches after I brush off the sand from my fingers. I want to drink a cold soda while reading a book and drying off on the beach.

* I want to feel the cool air in the pine trees and hear them sway in the breeze. I want to smell the pine scented air and hear the squirrels call to each other. I want to pull my jacket a little closer and still enjoy the sun on my face.

* I want to witness the rushing sounds of waterfalls and enjoy the majesty of the Tetons. I want to look out the car window and see the bison. I want to walk the trails and eat lunch at a quiet spot on the side of the road. I want to put my feet in the river and let them cool off.

I can have these days again. Sometimes I just forget that I really can. What's holding me back?

What do you want?

If I Could Turn Back Time..

2011-07-14T16:44:00.000-06:00

I'd be Sher. Okay, not really.

If I could go back in time though, this is what I would do.

First I would go back to all of the expectant mother's that were a part of my life (work, school, church, etc.) and I would cook you meals that at least your husband could eat even if you couldn't. I would give you more time off of work and find a way to make things work. I would excuse you from good behavior and/or customer service. I would call you brave and beautiful and noble no matter what. I would let you discuss baby names. I would have even gone to your baby showers.

Second, I would filled our deep freeze with casseroles that my husband could bring out and reheat since I'm just not cooking anymore.

Third, I would have deep cleaned my house before the last step of IVF. Floor to ceiling with ammonia and vinegar and degreaser and carpet shampoo and whatever else was needed. The windows would have been clean. The scuffs on the stairs gone.

Fourth, as much as we love Oscar, I wouldn't have gotten him. I would have pushed the guilt aside and said no instead of decided to experiment and see if we are cat people. He's fun, he's spunky, he's a little purring fur ball... turns out we're just not ready for an animal in the house. And it also turns out that he's practically bored to tears with us. Does anyone know of a good home. He's litter box trained and everything.

Fifth. I would have bought stock in Tums.

Sixth. I would have gotten rid of all the Bath and Body Works lotion and went with something bland and odorless. With the super-prego-smeller nose everything is too strong.

Seventh. I would have finished my bedspread that I started last year. That way I wouldn't hate the one I have so much. Not that it's bad, I just am tired of it.

What would you do if you could turn back time?

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

2011-07-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

It's time. It's time to come clean, to stop my absence from the blogosphere and let you know what is really going on here.

You see, I've had this vision in my head of what life is supposed to be like when pregnant. The strong woman who experiences the morning sickness (or all day sickness as the case may be) and soldiers on with a determined smile. She realizes that this is her lot and rather than complain, she thinks of the little one growing inside and knows that it will all be worth it. She continues on, does her job, cleans her home, and cooks for her husband. She retires for the evening with no complaint and prepares to do it all again. She is somewhat of a saint.

I am not a saint. Nor will I ever be one. If there is one thing that I have really got to be honest about it is this: When have I ever not complained? Seriously. I give the play by play and infuse a healthy does of whining. I'm sitting here thinking that I have gotten exactly what I asked for... only not. You see I want the pregnancy, I'll even take the weight gain, I just really really really don't want the sickness. I also think that if I was 20 and somewhat naive about life I would be handling this much better. I think that I would bounce back better. When I was 20 I could stay up till 3 am and it would hardly make a difference in my abilities the next day. But I'm not 20. I'm 35 and 10 pm is my bedtime, 3 am will likely kill me. I'm tired and I'm sick and I know that there are drugs out there than can help and why on earth would I not ask for those drugs!!?

I am not gracious and self sacrificing. I am selfish and nauseous. My house is a mess and I can't stand to look at the dishes let alone do them. I'm having second thoughts... or third or fourth thoughts on our kitten. I'm tired of the mess he makes. It's not big, but it's there and again, I don't even have the willpower to do the dishes! I think our basement smells funny and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know if it really does or if I'm super sensitive right now and everything smells funny. I hate the taste of water and milk. Soda is too sugary. Juice only sounds good part of the time and only if I don't mix it. The only food I've been able to make and actually eat is a pasta salad and tomato soup. If I handle things too long then I think about it and then my stomach turns. My salvation has been Sonic tater tots and I think I may have pushed it too far yesterday cause even that sounds gross right now.

My husband is my salvation. He made the menu (I couldn't because nothing sounded good) and he's been cooking. Fortunately we're just two and one meal will last several days, so really it's only a 2-meal thing. I have found that if he makes it there's a chance I could eat it and be just fine. He tells me not to worry about the house. He says that no one is a good housekeeper when they don't feel good. He tells me I look beautiful. He tells me I'm doing fine. He tells me not to be too hard on myself. He tells me I'm okay.

See, my salvation.

So dear friends. I need some advice from you. You with experience in these matters.

1. what did you do to help stem the all-day sickness? Drugs? Spices? Voo-doo?

2. Cleaning solutions: Tawnya, this one is more for you, didn't you do a vinegar thing that worked really good on floors? It's random I know, but I desperately need to do a deep clean with no residue on anything.

3. When in your first trimester of pregnancy how did your house look?

4. Did you feel like you were going insane? I kind of feel that way.

So there you have it. All out in the open. No more hiding behind the saint/martyr image in my head. Declaring my freedom to be who I am with no excuses.

Thank you dear friends.

Thankful for..

2011-07-01T12:05:00.000-06:00

1. Little Caesar's pizza at 9:30 pm. Felt pretty darn good this morning.
2. My husband's willingness to cook breakfast... banana pancakes.
3. 4 day weekend for my husband.
4. The fact that I work at home so I get a 4 day weekend too.
5. Wonderful family who has invited us for the 4th.
6. Friends who have so willingly put up with me.
7. The pitter-patter of kitten feet.
8. A/C to be installed on Thursday.
9. Good co-workers who also put up with me.
10. David's Family. I think they are awesome! All of them, extended and everything.
11. Good advice.
12. Good fences.
13. Restaurants so I don't have to cook.
14. Book Club women, past and present... sigh...
15. Life and all that it brings.

I feel a little overwhelmed at so much love and generosity and good feelings that have come our way these last few years. We'll we've always been blessed but we've been completed overwhelmed as of late. And Trish, I was so good to see you last Sunday, I was sad to have to leave so early! It was fun to chat and laugh and enjoy. One of the many perks of being down South last weekend.

It is time now to move on. Time to get over the shock of these blessings and become a participating member of society once again. To reciprocate the support that has been given. Time to clean the house, really clean the house. Time to get back into a work routine. To cook even if I don't feel like it. Time to be the responsible adult.

And you know what? It feels good. Really good. I feel like I've got my feet back under me again. Not so much tossing about with every wind or hormone injection. So thank you all again for everything. Here's to a new chapter.

Monday photo... on Wednesday (shrug)

2011-06-29T16:52:00.000-06:00

I have something for posts. Fence posts, broken, old... It's something I have learned to accept about myself. This was taken on Mount Kolob down South. Last weekend was spent with family in Hurricane and they just happen to have a cabin on Kolob which is a blessing because then I don't melt. Have I mentioned lately that I'm a complete wimp when it comes to heat... well I am. Will do a later post on the trip and share some of our photos.

Getting a Grip

2011-06-28T12:37:00.001-06:00

Do you know how? I have come to a few conclusions myself.
1. It must be done repeatedly. It is not a one time deal.
2. I used to be really good at it.
3. Not so much anymore.
4. Life changes mess up with one's ability to get a grip.
5. Changes such as kittens and their toys.
6. Random water stoppages due to construction.
7. Changes in income... aka getting a part-time check vs that lovely full-time one that was enjoyed up to June 1st.
8. Changes in health... aka what's the deal with this whole not feeling so hot thing... to be expected, but not enjoyed.

Getting a grip means admitting that you've lost yours. I, my friends, have totally lost my grip. I am currently sitting in my bedroom with the door closed. I'm shutting it on the laundry, the dishes, and the cat. I can hear Oscar playing in the kitchen. And while he is fun and entertaining and sometimes even cuddly, I'm just not in the mood to deal with him today. I am longing for that peace that I used to have. That inner peace where you're cool with the world and the world is in turn cool with you.

Getting a grip usually means making some changes. I may move my office to another bedroom instead of the downstairs living room. That way I have the ability to shut the door. It's kind of interesting how Oscar's perfectly capable of entertaining himself while I'm gone but just can't leave me alone when I'm here. This not feeling so hot things has also altered my reality. It may just turn me into a night person rather than a morning person. I find myself sleeping longer, as if that will actually help.

Getting a grip sometimes means re-incorporating things back into your routine. On Monday I braved the gymn. Crazy right. I even decided to tell that pain in my foot to take a hike. I decided to ignore it should it raise it's ugly head. Turns out it was fine. In fact I even ran for like 1.5 minutes. Do you know what happened during that 1.5 minutes? I hurt. But not my foot. It was my fat. That fat that has been leaching it's way onto my body since November when doctor's orders were to stay off of the foot. That fat that has been groomed to full saddle bags with hormone injections and mood swings controlled by food. That fat that has made it impossible to wear the one and only pair of shorts I own that are decent in public. It hurt. It was moving up and down completely out of control. I had no grace, no style. I shudder to think what I looked like from behind. I was like an injured llama trying to run. It was ridiculous. It made me realize just how lazy I've become. Complacent. My goal was always to "move what I got". Meaning I may not be the skinniest thing in the world but at least I can move what I have. I will now adjust that to "Move what I got with minimal pain involved."

sigh.

I am slowly regaining my grip. I am slowly adjusting to things that are now very much a part of my life. I am slowly coming to terms with my own reality.

I've Been Thinking

2011-06-22T16:54:00.000-06:00

I have been having myself a think. It kind of explains my absence from the blogosphere... kind of.

I have spent so dang much of my life dealing with infertility that it kind of throws my groove off being with child. Does that make sense? I had accepted my lot. Wasn't exactly happy with it but acceptance hasn't been an issue for a really long time. A huge portion of that is because of the wonderful people in my life. How could we be so blessed if this wasn't part of "our plan" so to speak.

So now we have what we have been hoping for so so so very long and I find myself speechless. Almost useless. The week we found out my routine went right out the window and I'm not even sure why. It just did. This last week completely snuck up on me and I'm forgetting core things in my routine. Crazy huh!

Now don't get me wrong, right now I wouldn't have it any other way. I just don't think I ever really allowed myself to plan for what we'd do if things really did work out. I had a great plan for if it didn't though. The first thing was an Italy cruise as compensation for a failed IVF cycle. It was going to be a great one too. Luxury accommodations! I would continue working on my slowly improving photography skills. I would have the neighborhood kids over for Monday Matinees and be the coolest person in the neighborhood. School loans would be paid in record time. And I might even be done with the doctor forever! Or at least not until it was really needed.

So here I am living the life that I wanted and not knowing how to do it. I mean this could be the start of something normal. What does that even mean? I am not really asking for advice here, I just think it's kind of interesting. And well, more often than not it seems to have left me without words.

Monday Photo

2011-06-20T08:30:00.000-06:00

As part of my job I get to go around and take pictures of some of the events we do. This was taken at the Alumni House. There was a wedding and this was the arch on the lawn. I loved the colors.

I'm feeling quite positive today

2011-06-15T07:43:00.000-06:00

I have been absent.

Absent-minded, absent-bodied, absent in mental capacity.

I am back now.

I find myself searching for words today. Well really all week. And I guess if I'm going to go that far it might as well be the last two weeks. My thoughts jumbled, my house more so. But things are looking up. Positive you might say. I have been considering whether or not to "spill the beans" so to speak, but my dear friends, you have come with me so far. How can I not include you on our journey?

I know it's not safe. I know I may regret it in the future. There's always the possibility that things just might not work out. But right now there is the greater possibility that it will. I just cannot believe that the Lord would bless us this much to not have things work out. Our IVF process worked. And if all goes well, we'll be getting a new little addition to our family in February of next year. It's all very early. Like ridiculously early. Like no one knows this early unless they've gone this route.

It's all very surreal. It's all very reassuring. It's all very humbling. I cannot tell you how much my faith has wavered and my silly worrying mind has made me such a doubter sometimes. Yet the Lord still blesses us. I know there's biology and all that going on, but our biology hasn't been something we have been able to rely on. I've always believed that the Lord could "fix" us. Make all the things that aren't working work again. He has that power. But for some reason or another we had to go this route.

I have watched as things have fallen into place for us. With our home and our neighborhood and the wonderful, absolutely wonderful people that have become a part of our lives. Neighbors, family, friends, co-workers. The change in insurance at David's work that has paid for majority of this process. So many silver linings have shone around our trials, so many blessings. So many that the burden has been incredibly light.

So today I am happy. I am humbled. I am grateful.

Thoughts

2011-06-08T07:00:00.001-06:00

I feel all in a jumble right now. There are so many things that my thoughts skip back and forth between. I wish that someone could just take a peek inside my brain and tell me what is important. What to spend my time dwelling on. What to just let go. Tell me what is inside my realm of control and what just isn't.

All the traveling has come to a stop and I can rightly say that it's a blessing. Gas prices on the rise and all. But it has given me more time to think. I've thought about my New Year's word, Moderation. I wonder if I'm anywhere close. I feel I have made progress but I seem to be the kind of person that bounces back and forth. I get heavily involved in a project until I burn myself out on it. Hence my unfinished quilt, half made gift bags and cards that are just waiting to be put together. Or recently the room that gets half way cleaned, the laundry that gets half way done. Perhaps I have eased back a little much.

I've also been thinking about friends. Friends that used to be a large part of my life but seem to have drifted. Friends that perhaps I took for granted would always be there. Particularly one. I've reached out and have been met with silence in return. I keep on wondering if I have offended somewhere along the way. Did I get so wrapped up in the things that are going on in my life that I neglected someone when they may have needed me. Did they reach out and I missed it? I hate the way these thoughts are plaguing me right now.

I've always thought of myself as a loyal friend. Once friends always friends. No matter the distance or time in between. I may not be a "best" friend or a regular "hang out" friend, but I just don't know how or when to stop calling them friend. So I don't. And when I'm met with silence by all of my inquiries as to how they are... well, I just don't know what to do. It kind of makes my heart hurt. And it makes me worried about them. I wonder if they are okay. If there marriage is okay. If something awful has happened. If if if... Perhaps I'll try a more direct approach. Like showing up on their doorstep and begging.

I guess there are usually no easy answers to things. Life just takes time. Problems take energy to figure out. Priorities need to be made. People need to be remembered. Nothing really profound about it. Just gotta do it.

Monday Photo

2011-06-06T07:00:00.001-06:00

It's nice to have flowers. We didn't plant anything last Fall like I had planned on. I was so very disappointed in myself. I even had the bulbs, just didn't get around to it until the snow started falling and the ground was hard. The last time I planted flowers was back in the "Adam's House" when we were in the 6th ward. I still drive by every Spring and see how my flowers are doing. It's nice to have left signs that we were there, good signs too.

Meet Oscar and Other News

2011-06-01T08:09:00.000-06:00

Oscar Wilde? Oscar de la Hoya? Oscar the Grouch? So many options. Might even change. I have been calling him Snickelfritz. Who knows, maybe it will stick.

Fun facts/discoveries:

1. He sometimes meows while he's drinking so it sounds all underwater-like and that just makes both David and I laugh.

2. Despite his sometimes incessant meowing/bawling, he might just be alright. (he's no good at our stairs yet, or at least hasn't been brave enough so I can "trap" him on another level when it's too much. He stops after awhile so it works out.)

3. So far he only uses the litter box! Yeah!

4. David's job is to change the litter box! Yeah!

5. He's not cuddly, he's frisky. And that's fine with me too. He's just a little guy so it makes sense.

6. This may very well be the last full post on Oscar because I like to think I have more of a life than that, and right now I really do feel a little pathetic. So if you're thinking it, so am I. Sigh.

In other news:

David and I did the embryo transfer on Sunday! Woo-hoo! So we're moving forward like rock stars and hoping that all the needles, mood swings, trips to SLC, and partial loss of sanity work out for us. Meanwhile we have lots of things to look forward to this Summer. Like:

Air conditioning!!

New bathtub and toilet in main bathroom.

Completed window sills!

Def Leppard concert with friends! Double woo-hoo there.

A stay at the cabin at Mt Kolob (Hurricane way)

Family Reunions (yes we actually look forward to some of them.)

Garden fresh produce from OUR garden!

Hiking in the outdoors

Plays at the Old Lyric Theatre

Bear Lake Shakes

Long Summer nights

Lunch/breakfast on the deck

Outdoor BBQ

Thank you all for tuning in today, and most of all thank you for your support. We have felt your prayers and well wishes for us and no matter what happens, it will be what is supposed to happen. Who knows, maybe twins! (oooh, eeeee, aaaaah... ugh? hmm.)

Top 10 Signs You've Made the Trip to Salt Lake a Lot

2011-05-27T06:55:00.000-06:00

10. You have time to make a list.

9. You notice when they've changed a billboard.

8. You've read an entire book on travel time alone.

7. Skipping work isn't fun anymore.

6. In fact you try to make it home in record time so you can get some work done.

5. You start packing a lunch so you don't have to eat out.

4. Ikea is no longer appealing.

3. Your gas budget has tripled.

2. You mark your time by the roadkill that is still there.

1. I'm sick of Rachel Ray and I don't even have TV! (for some reason she's always on at the doctor's office.)

There you have it folks!

On a side note, everything is going grand! Lefty picked up the slack and more than made up for the brother of Bob on the right. 11 eggs my friends, 11. We were hoping for 4. My doctor calls me a late bloomer... like that's news. So we're more than likely to finish up on Tuesday.

Too Much Information?

2011-05-25T08:28:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if I divulge to much information on here. You know, of the sort that makes people uncomfortable. When I say things like "fertility" and "eggs" and "injections" and stuff. I have actually been thinking about this for awhile. I know there are some people close to me that would feel extremely uncomfortable reading about such things and get all awkward and stuff. Sometimes I find myself in a situation when I get told something that is a little out there and I find myself having trouble finding a place to rest my eyes. (that hasn't happened in absolute ages by the way.)

And then I thought to myself "Why am I so comfortable with this?" because let's face it, I didn't used to be comfortable talking about infertility. That was something private. It was going to be a short struggle until David and I got things figured out. And then things just stretched out. And there were "procedures" and "operations" and drugs and general craziness. The months turned in to a year, the year turned into 5 and now I'm an open book. And I'm glad for it (the open book thing, not the 5 years).

I am comfortable talking about it because right now it is my life. Not all of it of course. I am perfectly capable of having conversations that have nothing to do with children. In fact sometimes I want to have a discussion that has absolutely nothing to do with fertility. Not because it's too hard, but because I'm plum warn out on that topic of conversation! There's a lot more to life right now than our "trial". And in just a few days, it should be less consuming. Because in a few days this IVF process will come to it's conclusion.

Thursday I go in for egg retrieval, Sunday or Tuesday we go in for the transfer depending on how "petri dish love" goes. And then we wait. Just like normal people do. We wait for evidence of success or failure. There's a test, a blood draw, and then we know whether we get our own biological kids or if our family really will be adopted. I am not in any way shape or form opposed to adoption, but we had to see this route through. Knowing that there are options out there that hadn't been explored... well, it would have continued to eat me up. I would have always wondered. And now we'll know.

As a side note but really related. I once wrote a post about socks. Someone anonymously commented with "too much info". They had no idea did they!

Enjoy the sunshine my friends. It's a glorious reprieve and I'm certain the rain will come again. Just not today.

Monday Photo

2011-05-23T07:00:00.001-06:00

I once went to a Chris LeDoux concert and I loved it. It was awhile ago, obviously, and I went with roommates. It was Erica's birthday and that's what she wanted to do. We went to Ruby River for a steak before hand because it just seemed fitting. At the concert Chris pulled out all the favorites. Some I knew, some I didn't. But some I absolutely loved. "Western Skies", "County Fair", and "Look at You Girl".

April leaned over and asked if I had fallen in love before at the county fair. As it turned out I had. Several times. Then she said "I bet these songs just speak to your country girl heart?" and you know what, the answer they did. Country will always be in me no matter where I live. It's my roots. It's why as a semi-photographer I have an obsession with old buildings, fence lines, herds of cows. They speak to my country girl heart.

Progression... kind of

2011-05-20T14:29:00.001-06:00

This week:

1. I have been to Salt Lake and back twice. Each time for a doctor's appointment. Each time to know we are right on track except for...

2. Remember "Bob" and his nasty little brother "George". Turns out George is still there, which we knew. Which doesn't surprise me. A. Bit. But he has hindered my right side, so it's up to my left ovary to make good on deal. To respond with wit and charm and productivity to my nightly drug cocktail. So that we can...

3. Spend Sunday and Monday and probably Tuesday and Wednesday and next Saturday in Salt Lake again. Yep, moving right along keeps us moving right along! Can someone please invent a safe auto-pilot for our car that can be installed tomorrow? Thanks.

4. Last Saturday we pulled a lot of trees out of the yard. And by "we" I mean David did all the work and I drove the truck. 4 loads to the green waste pile at the Logan Landfill. 4 large loads. So much more to go. Feels good to be moving forward though so we can...

5. Put in a raised garden in our front yard. We don't play in our front yard. Seems a shame to waste good sun on grass that we hate to mow. So a raised garden it will be. If it ever stops raining that is.

I know there's more my friends. So much more. Laughing, sharing, crying. But right now I'm tired. So very tired. My doctor says that it's one of the side effects of Lupron but it doesn't usually effect too many people. We've always known I'm not one of the "many" though. And that's okay.

Have a lovely weekend my friends.

For My Mother and What She Did to Me

2011-05-17T14:30:00.000-06:00

What, I can't post this late? My blog, my rules.

Mother's Day, the day to celebrate motherhood, the day to make all the other mothers out there feel guilty for not being as good as the mothers that are being talked about. The day for mothers who are being talked about to wonder when their children became so eloquent. And the day that exists for mothers to be put upon a pedestal in which she will inevitably fall off. (all in all, those of us without children might not have it that bad... so far I have zero guilt for messing up anyone's frail childhood and stunting their creative growth because I didn't let them take Tap for Two-year Olds. huh.)

Mother's Day to me has always been about my mom. She's wonderful. She's not perfect though and that's part of why she is so wonderful. In fact she's the first one that pointed out that Mother's day isn't always so fun for women whether they have children or not. In fact it usually left her with a fair amount of guilt because she "clearly didn't raise her children near as well as so-and-so did". (Which is not true because I know so-and-so's children and what they did last summer!) So, she usually came home with guilt and a flower to kill before the end of the week. But I digress.

My mother. Never was I so shocked when I came home from my mission to find out that in finding myself I was more like her than ever before. I mean hello! I had spent 18 months away from the woman. I had really and truly found myself! And I liked myself. I was fun and witty and saying things exactly like she did... drat! I was a little troubled at first, and then I found it not so bad. I mean, people like my mother. In fact when I was in high school she was more popular than I was! (She played the piano for the plays and everyone liked her.) She was fun. Still is. And together we are fun.

There are a few things that will endear me to her forever though. First. The mission field.

I had a companion. She was a little, shall we say "overboard" on the rules. She was stressed. She was drama. She was trying my patience. My mother had kindly sent me a Disney tape (I know, 'tape' dates me) with things like "Let's Get Together" and "The Ugly Bug Ball" and "A Whole New World". It was p-day. I put it in to listen to while I cleaned the house. My companion went a little crazy. In fact she locked herself in the closet with another tape player with hymns going as loud as the little player could go.
I was stunned. I kind of sat there for a minute and just blinked. Then I laughed (that's just the way I am) and lacking anyone else to tell I wrote it in my letter to home going out that very day.
It was my mother who gave me those wise words of calm and reason so I could deal with such a thing. It was my mother who saw the situation for what is was and knew just how to help her struggling daughter with this well-meaning but slightly off balance missionary. Yes, it was my mother who shared these words of wisdom with me:

"Do you think if I sent some Metallica she would melt?"

And that about sums it up. They were the perfect words. I love my mother. She's fun. She's a bit crazy. She makes me laugh. And most of all she puts up with all the drama her kids heap upon her. And believe me, the power of 7 (and spouses and children) combined can really pile up on a person. But she handles it with grace, and dignity, and prayers, and snark. Good woman that.

And on a side note: thank you to all the wonderful friends and women out there who brought me chocolate on Mother's day! Nothing heals the soul like chocolate. Oh and good friends. And good company. And belated mother's day gifts that might just be a Nook (yeah!)

Life is good my friends. Life is good.

Monday Photos

2011-05-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

Last Tuesday the Cache Valley Photographers Club went out to shoot the re-enactment of the joining of railroads East and West at the Golden Spike National Historic Site. It was the first time I have ever been out there and enjoyed it thoroughly. Here are some of the shots I got.

Guess what came in the mail...

2011-05-15T14:12:00.000-06:00

It's kind of a big box huh. Does not bode well.

I call these the "Big Damn Needles". It's alright if it's in quotes right? That's all I have to say about that.

Something to look forward too....

Starting some of this on Friday. Perhaps I'll just hide under the covers.

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

To Tweet or not to Tweet...

2011-05-11T07:00:00.002-06:00

Because when I make a decision, things get thrown out of whack.

Remember when I told you I was going to do Write Words Weekend every Wednesday? Well wouldn't you know it as soon as I commit then something happens. She's taking this weekend off. What's the deal with that. So I have a question for all of you wonderful people out there.

Twitter.

1. Do you use it? Why or why not?
2. Do you like it? Why or why not?
3. What do you do with it?

I'm going to start my own Twitter account not because I'm oh so into it, but because I need to research it out for work to see if it's something that would be right for Dining Services. I myself have never used it. I just created a profile and it took me way too long to even get the stupid picture to upload. So I need some feeback from those of you who have or haven't and your thoughts on it.

Help!!!

Monday Photo

2011-05-09T07:00:00.002-06:00

I took this picture on the way home from Grace. My cousin put together a girls weekend and we made authentic tortillas and fun gift bags that I can't wait to give to people. This wire "spool" was along the highway. I have titled it "Oh My" cause of the face.

In Review

2011-05-06T08:51:00.000-06:00

A list:

1. My bread pudding is better than Aggy's bread pudding.

2. Chocolate comes close to curing everything but doesn't quite make it all the time.

3. I have been blessed to know some of the best women/friends EVER.

4. I never thought I would laugh so hard when someone says "I have mono!"

5. My entire front flower bed is a disguise for tree roots.

6. I am glad that I have a husband with determination because I'm pretty sure he can wage a decent war on said tree root.

7. I really really really want real patio furniture.

8. I hate it when friends leave. grrr. double grrrr.

9. I have finally decided to start cooking again and it feels pretty darn good!

10. David is glad.

11. It's one of the few things he's glad about lately because his wife is insane.

12. I suppose you just have to take what you can get.

Love to you all. Peace out!

Musical Thoughts: Dedicated to Grace Idaho Potato Crew of Days Gone By

2011-05-05T07:00:00.002-06:00

For better of for worse, we had themes for potato harvest each year. It was for the high school Harvester Crew which consisted of 3 sometimes 4 girls, our personalities, and a tape deck installed by none other than my dad because he was soooo cool! Best. Boss. Ever. (And I really mean that too!)

Don't judge me. I still love this song. I still sing it to my cousin who was on harvester crew with me. We sing it to each other. We know all the lyrics and it's filled with love. I know there were others, but I just don't think they held the place in our hearts like this one.

Just a Little Breeze

2011-05-04T07:30:00.002-06:00

I sit outside in the warm Spring sunshine. Listening to the birds in the trees. Feeling the warmth in my toes and on the top of my head. Content.

My thoughts blown about by the slight breeze of the morning. It reminds me of days spent in the mountains. Hiking by myself. I spent a good portion of one summer hiking the trails of Logan Canyon by myself. I wasn’t worried or afraid. I looked forward to the solitude that the canyon offered. I chose trails that I knew well. Trails that weren’t deserted so if I really did need help, I’d only have to sit and wait. Someone would be along.

I always took a book and my journal and a camera. I would find a quiet location and sit and ponder. Everything from the beauty that surrounded me to where I was going with my life. What I had to look forward to, what I needed to change. Mostly I focused on living in that moment. Writing my thoughts down, unedited, as they came. Finding pleasure in writing for the sake of writing. I took those simple moments home with me. Later if I wanted to I could open my journal again and go back to that spot, that moment in time where I was completely at peace. Content.

I don’t usually take the time to think about those days. To sit and let my mind wander where it will. Life is too packed, too busy, too scheduled. But not today. Today I sit in the sunshine and feel the breeze lift my hair and remember what it’s like to be happy. To be content.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I have decided to dedicate Wednesdays to the Write Words Weekend thought up and crafted by DeNae Handy. I love her blog "My Real Life Was Backordered" and she's got a writing blog as well. I want to improve my writing and what better way than having limited topics to choose from. I may even have to make stuff up to fulfill the assignment. Overall I think it will help me write outside the box and stretch my skillz... that is if I can find them in time. Thanks for reading!

Hi Honey, It's 7 o'clock, am I safe? or My Life on Drugs

2011-05-03T07:00:00.011-06:00

I write this journal in hopes that someone will benefit from where I have been, that those who follow me may have a road map to guide their footsteps. (sounds of the rainforest in the background, mosquitoes buzzing around, me wiping the sweat off my face and nobly looking towards the future... and the sunset... and the angry natives...)

Friday April 29th:
Am able to proceed with Lupron injections. Find myself very nervous. Close to breaking out in a cold sweat but manage to stick myself with the needle. Is not that bad. In fact barely felt it. Relieved and a little shaky I go to bed wondering how I'll be in the morning.

Saturday April 30th:
Find myself semi nauseous in the morning. More sensitive to stupid things. Strange desire to arm-wrestle my husband into submission for the offense of waking up in the morning. Have family coming to spend the day. Sense a pattern developing. Nightly injection hurt this time. And itched.

Sunday May 1st:
Definite pattern developing. Am able to see a trend. No time to write, have to arm-wrestle husband and find something with chocolate in it. 3rd dose didn't hurt. Is this some kind of joke?

Monday May 2nd:
Feel it necessary to outline pattern for those who may follow in my footsteps or have an urge to visit un-announced.

6-7 am: wake up and feel a bit nauseous but still okay

7:30 am: doing okay until husband talks to me then have sudden urge to rip head off

7:31 am: suppress urge, put up a hand, and ask if that question/comment is really necessary

7:32 am: husband backs away slowly with soothing voice and takes question/comment back

8:00 am: husband attempts to go to work, I ignore him till he does

8:30 am: overwhelmed by hunger pangs and eat anything I can find for breakfast (or second breakfast as the case may be)

8:45 am: day proceeds normally as long as there are no unforeseen interruptions

12:00-3:00 pm: have uncontrollable urge to cry at everything including commercials on the radio, songs that have anything to do with sentimentality or violence or that have words or instruments in them

4:00 pm: doing pretty good. Waterworks have stopped and smile is on the face

7:00 pm: nausea returns and irritation at everything comes in full force. Husband walks on egg shells, sometimes ignoring me for his own safety. But then again ignoring me causes further irritation and irrational thinking and might not be that safe either

7:30 pm: large dose of chocolate is consumed

7:32 pm: feeling better but watch your step

9:00 pm: life is good and rational conversation is possible

9:30 pm: another dose of chocolate for own safety

10:00 pm: take another shot and go to bed

Okay, seriously though. It's kind of interesting how it follows a pattern, and I'm not really crazy all the time. But it is a little freaky how out-of-control and irritated that I feel sometimes. I know it's the drugs that are causing it but just see if I can do anything about it! Man may as well put forth his arm to stop the mighty Mississippi from flowing! It really does follow a schedule though. So much that when 7 pm approaches I start getting out the chocolate.

I don't think this affects everyone the same way either. I happen to be uber-sensitive to drugs. Half the dose of Dayquil does me in. So birth control and injections... yeah. Can't wait till they add more! I'm gonna have to buy chocolate in bulk!

ps. I just realized that I didn't officially say that we're okay to go forward with all of this! David, who gets uber-brownie points in heaven, did many a phone call between doctors office and insurance and was finally able to get things straightened out. We found out late Friday afternoon that we could go forward. So yeah... nothing like a late update!

Monday Photo

2011-05-02T08:27:00.000-06:00

I have decided to make a change. Since I always want to blog on Monday but can't seem to get my act together over the weekend to actually have something up... well. Tuesday photo has turned into Monday photo. Try not to let it throw you off. (insert picture of me smirking)

This last week I had to opportunity to do Senior Photos for a person in my ward. I was really nervous, but David was kind enough to go out with me a few days before and scout out some good areas. Of course he had to pose for me so that I knew what I was doing. He's such a ham I love it!

Have you ever sang with the Devil in the hot spotlight?

2011-04-29T07:00:00.001-06:00

There is a lady in our ward who works or volunteers with the Utah Festival Opera, here in Logan. She was responsible for getting a few "extras" to do a musical number for a fundraiser event. It would include dinner, a Big Band and a few musical numbers by, among others, Michael Ballam (You might remember him as Satan), who is a big part of the Utah Festival Opera organization. She called me one evening and asked if I would like to be one of these extras.

"You want me???"

"Yup!!!"

"Are you sure???"

"Yup!"

"Let me think about it and I will get back with you."

The number she wanted me to be in was a Sailor for "There is Nothing Like a Dame" from "South Pacific". The whole evening would be themed around the musical since it will be one of the plays that the Utah Festival Opera will be putting on later in the year.

This is something like I have never done before. I have sung in choirs, and even done a few solos, but I have never been in a play, let alone a musical. This was going to be a little acting, kinda. It would involve blocking, movement, costumes. It would involve CHOREOGRAPHY!!! It was going to involve people who were paying $65 a pop to go to this thing, who love Utah Festival Opera shows with real professionals. We were to be the main event! Me? Are you Serious?

So, I mention this to Lora, and after that, there was no way I was going to get out of it. And that was that. At least a couple of the sailor extras were friends from the ward. This was also something that they had never done before.

For your viewing pleasure, I present . . .

The evening was pretty fun. We were able to enjoy the whole Dinner and program for free, and we could bring in a guest for only $25. All three of us made a night of it with our wives, (Since, lets be honest, they were the main motivating factor here).

When we performed, I wasn't very nervous until the minute before we were up. We had practiced only the Thursday before and went through it a couple of times earlier that night. It went well I thought. It didn't seem like anyone messed up too badly. I remembered most of the lines and movements. All in all it went alright. We got a big applause. Lora said we were the best act of the night and it was good for us to be the last number. And I felt good about it up until I saw the video Lora had taken of us.

So, there are things called perceptions. These things, it turns out can be completely out of line with each other and even more so with reality. I don't mean to say that our number was actually bad. I bet most people will think it was pretty good, and it was rightly so that the audience liked us. The video showed me that my perceptions of two things were . . . lets just say, they were off somewhat.

The first is what I look like. I was trim and athletic in high school and stayed that way up until I hit about 30. Looking at the movie, all I could say was, "Wooohhh, hey there fatso!" Now, I know I'm not fat. I'm just heavier than my perception of my self. Even when I look in the mirror, I see more what I used to look like. I think it is pretty funny how we hold on to our youth so much like that.

The other perception that was "adjusted", if not completely shattered, was my abilities as a musical actor. I am not ashamed of my first performance. I think I did alright. I thought the other two from the ward did AWESOME, especially considering this is something we have never done before. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, when I look at the video, I don't see a sailor singing about the virtues of the fairer sex, so to speak. I see a guy who is anxious about messing up and looking at the leader of the group for his cues nearly the entire time.

Oh, and I apologize for mentioned leader's t-shirt riding up a few times. I'm sorry to say it isn't a pretty sight. You may even want to avert your eyes at the end.

Anyway, there you go. Some good blackmail material if you want it. But you may not be able to extort much from me, because I really don't have regrets, and it was a pretty fun night. Besides, not everyone can say they performed while accompanied by Satan.

Becoming

2011-04-28T07:00:00.004-06:00

Today I struggle.

I struggle to know what feelings are mine, which are the drugs messing with my hormones, my head, and my heart. Which feelings are those that I really can handle and which are things that are just beyond me. When is it time to call it a day and sink into a haze of nothingness?

Yesterday I got a phone call from the pharmacy that our IVF cycle drugs are being ordered through. My first set of injections are scheduled to start this Friday. I can't say that I'm wholeheartedly looking forward to the actual injections, but I can say that I really am ready to get things going. To move forward once again. Not just to put it to rest and say "now we've done all we can do to have a child of our own". I really do have hope this time. Solid, real, almost tangible hope.

The phone call was a courtesy call to make sure that information was correct and to get payment information taken care of. We are one of the incredibly lucky and blessed people who actually have insurance that will cover IVF procedures with the accompanying medication. For those of you who know, that is a major thing to have happen. I don't know of any other insurance that actually covers it. So I promptly informed the woman on the line that our insurance should cover the $125 for the medicines. She said that they didn't. I said that they should and she said they don't and I'm welcome to find another pharmacy to order the medication through and have it there by Friday.

I ended up paying for it because at this point it wasn't worth the hassle. This particular medication was not the expensive stuff and we would have time to get it all sorted out before the expensive stuff needs to be ordered.

Long story short, it turns out that our insurance is a bit of a mess. Of the sort that you can call the same number three different times and get three different answers as to what needs to be done in order to get approved for the insurance to actually pay for IVF. All things that we thought we had done. All things that we had followed up on. All things that no one seems to have record of. That means time. It also means delays. It means that unless things get straightened out by tomorrow we probably won't be going forward with IVF this month. It means another month, maybe two before we really get to start.

Perhaps it's a little extreme, but I'm tired of monthly delays. I've spent the last 3-4 years living by the month. Planning by the month. Being disappointed by the month. We haven't obsessed about it, and truthfully we've gotten used to letting things go. It slips into the background quite nicely, still noticeable but not quite as painful as it used to be.

It's just a delay. It's not that bad. It just seems like there's always another delay.

So here I am. Today. Wondering who I am. Wondering who I am to become. Wondering what I am to learn from all of this. Where do I fit. What is the purpose of all this delay? What am I missing? Is this one of the bumps along the path to help wear down a particularly rough spot? These are all things that I have wondered about before and I dare say I will wonder about it again before this is all said and done.

Tuesday Photo

2011-04-26T07:00:00.003-06:00

Oh come on, you knew it had to be Easter related. Hope you all had a good one. I have some more pictures to share from it, family related but you'll have to wait for another post.

Change the Third

2011-04-22T14:02:00.000-06:00

Today on my way home from the gymn, I saw a group of teenage boys crossing the street by Willow Park. I took one look and thought "Egads! They still exist!" Yep, the Skater crowd.

I don't know if that's what they are still called, but they have all the tell-tale signs that made them the Skater crowd when I was in High School. In fact, I could probably pull out my yearbook and show them their look-a-likes and either really freak them out or confirm their coolness. The all black clothes scattered with jeans with holes, the skateboards (of course) and let's not forget the attitude. It was evident in the way they saw me coming in my car, looked me in the eye, and the continued to slowly make their way across the road. I slowed down so as to give them plenty of time and still had to wonder if they were going to make me stop completely or go around their little group. It was as if I didn't exist in their world, and in reality I don't.

And then I got to thinking. Sometimes that's a very dangerous thing, it can get you worried about your future and the future of your kids. And then it hit me. It hit me hard. I live in Logan Utah! I have no idea what high school is like here! I grew up in small town USA where everyone knew everyone so as a teenager I couldn't get into too much trouble without my parents knowledge because everyone knew who my parents were and apparently their phone number as well.

In the world inside my head, my children would go to school and do some of the same things that I did. Music, drama, failed attempts at drill team and sports in general. And I would know how to handle it because I had "been there done that". I would encourage them in whatever course they chose but it's only natural to have my own favorites. And in that silly stupid head of mine I honestly pictured my children on stage in the Grace Performing Arts auditorium. Safe. Secure.

But today I saw this faction of people that I have not seen in years, literally! Why? Because I have been in the working world of a full-time day job at a college with it's very own brand of stupidity. I run errands in the evening and on weekends. I forgot that there's a whole culture that exists outside of my little world. A culture of kids who want to corrupt my children!

Now, for the record, I really have no idea who these kids were that I saw crossing the street. I just knew who the kids were in my high school. And I knew exactly what they were up to because I myself spent a brief time in their midst. I refer to it as my "dark year". It would have worked too but I didn't have any black sandals and my white ones just didn't look quite right with the black pants and black sleeveless T and black scrunchy. (It's all about the details you know, I was even in brief possession of a skull ring.) I know there's more than meets the eye both good and bad. I also know that if I hadn't been taught the right things by parents, well let's just say my story would have turned out quite a bit different.

So, what is this Change the Third that I am making? Well, I'm changing my mindset. Stop living in the past as if my own stupidity is going to come back to haunt me in the form of my children dragging Main street in Soda Springs at 3 am. Start looking around at the place that I live. I live. Here. Logan. The town that I really do love with neighbors that I really do love. This is progression. I live here and my parents don't. I am experiencing things that my parents never did. Perhaps it took me so long to get this seemingly obvious epiphany because some of my high school teachers taught my parents and some of my high school literature books had their names in them as well. But I don't live there do I. I have a new life with new experiences that really are completely different from my parents. And I am just fine with that.

On a side note though. I still want you all to be able to recognize my children at a glance so you can report when they are doing something so incredibly stupid, or wrecking the car, or thing they are going out with some lame-o that just happens to be in the art class you teach... a well placed friendly phone call would be appreciated. So for your benefit and mine, I have taken the liberty of digitally age-progressing my un-born and as yet un-conceived children so you know who you are looking for.

You're welcome.

Let's give it up for...

2011-04-21T07:28:00.000-06:00

1. Great friends who make me laugh, who share stories, and bring chocolate!

2. The sunshine that was yesterday but apparently is not today!

3. Attempting to dye Easter eggs with ties and partially succeeding!

4. Being so behind in my google reader account that the current number of "unread" is 167!

5. Ending everything with an exclamation point!

6. Wanting to say something profound but only able to come up with this dumb list!

7. Why do I feel like I'm shouting everything?!

8. Dinner last night at 9:45 pm because that's just how the day went!

9. My first attempt at using a microwave rice cooker failing!

10. Evidence of failed attempt!

11. And last but not least, a husband who still likes me even when the kitchen is a mess, dinner is late and he had to sew on his own patches for his Scout shirt!

Today will be better... I hope.

(At least I don't have the energy to shout anymore.)

Tuesday Photo

2011-04-19T06:18:00.000-06:00

Remember this little guy, well he's growing! Thank you so much to his mother for letting me come over and bug her and her little guy with my camera! It is fun though. I still can't get over how much he's grown!

Because this has been a great day after all

2011-04-14T16:11:00.001-06:00

Normally I write my thoughts and have them post the next morning, but today is different. Today I have felt so abundantly blessed.

Today:

1. I have been given hope. Literally. And it made me cry, and not in a bad way. In the way that you cry because you just can't get over the thoughtfulness of people who are thinking of you and go out of their way to show it. Thank you Tawnya, seriously made my day and I'm still teary but just a bit.

2. Have I ever told you have I have the best neighborhood? Well, it's true. I just love it. Love that we're here, love the people that are here too.

3. I have the coolest doctor's office. Seriously. Got an invitation in the mail from the Reproductive Care Center inviting us to "The Annual RCC Patient Party". It's a BBQ in the park and there are drawings for prizes like: 50% off an IVF cycle, and cash rewards of $500-$1000. There will be petting zoos, pony rides, crafting, and all sorts of fun things. Does your doctor's office do that for you? Well do they? Didn't think so. Yep, the coolest doctor's office ever.

4. I got to take pictures of a dear friend's 3-month old today. He's getting pretty good at holding his head up and his smile lights up his whole face. It's fun to see him grow and most of all it's fun to spend time with a friend.

There truly is sunshine in my soul today. And it's a good thing because it certainly isn't shining so much outside my window right now.

Love to you all!

"I just can't take this anymore"

2011-04-13T07:00:00.002-06:00

"I just can't take this anymore," she said with disgust and started to get up from her seat. I touched her arm to get her attention and asked if we could talk to her after the meeting was over. Jovita sat back down but continued to fidget as more people got up and shared their feelings about the gospel.

It was fast and testimony meeting. This was Jovita's first visit to the ward and as missionaries it's always a little nerve wracking. You hope and pray that no one in the congregation, though well meaning, will say anything foolish or embarrassing or just plain weird. I quickly took inventory of all that had been said up to that point and I could think of nothing that would cause such a reaction. In fact, we hadn't had such a good fast and testimony meeting in quite some time.

As the meeting continued I could tell that it was taking a Herculean effort on Jovita's part to stay with us. She was clearly upset by what was happening and there was disgust written all over her face. My companion and I were trying to think of something that would buy us some time with her. Some time to talk about her feelings, about why she was reacting the way she was.

The organ sounded the first chords to the closing hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee". I held the book out to share with Jovita and we began to sing.

"Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee-
Lord, I would follow thee."

Jovita began to relax. She visibly calmed as she sang and listened to the words of the hymn.

"Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another
Lord, I would follow thee."

The meeting came to a close and we all left the chapel and found a quiet spot on the lawn to discuss what had happened in the meeting. It was the perfection that got her. Jovita was a single mom struggling financially and with her son. She didn't see a lot of good things in her life and she was thoroughly disgusted that so many people could get up and publicly share how thankful they were for a good family, health, and prosperity. She had been deceived by churches before. She said it with bitterness and envy. She didn't want any part in a church who's members were "perfect".

I honestly don't remember how I or my companion responded to her that day. We were able to see her a few more times so we must have said something right. I do remember how sad I felt for her.

The people who shared their feelings that day about the gospel and families and health, were the very people who had been without the gospel or families or health. They had overcome obstacles in their path. They had learned to be thankful for the health and prosperity that they had been blessed with not because they were perfect, but because they were imperfect. Because they knew what it was like to be without. Because they were still dealing with being without.

It was a hard day when Jovita asked us not to come around anymore. We had come to love her. She had a wonderful tongue-in-cheek sense of humor and there was so much happiness that we had to offer her. So much pain we knew the Lord could heal if she would just open her heart. Instead she thanked us for the "Dog and pony show" and informed us that it just wasn't for her.

That was just over 12 years ago. Times have changed, we've all moved on with our lives. Every once in awhile I wonder what happened to her. Did she ever change her mind? Did she find happiness in her life? Was she able to be at peace with herself?

Then again we could ask ourselves the very same things.

Tuesday Photo

2011-04-12T07:00:00.000-06:00

I was so down-hearted about the snow last week that I bought pansy's on Saturday to at least have some color in the house.

An Update of Sorts

2011-04-07T08:19:00.000-06:00

There are a few significant factors that have come into play today that I feel are worthy of mention.

1. Today is the official 1 month mark for having shaken off the shackles of the regular desk job and joined the realms of part-time at home workers. I do spend enough time in the office on Wednesdays though to still keep in touch with things while enjoying the freedom of doing laundry on a whim.

2. We are officially in the first stages of IVF. That being said we are on birth control. What a crazy life huh! Fertility that starts out on birth control. As a humorous side note, the nurse asked me if I had a preference on which birth control to use. I said "what is this birth control you speak of." She laughed and said "yeah, we get that a lot." Injections of drugs scheduled to start April 29th and full cycle completed before Memorial Day. Phew!

3. While enjoying the luxuries such as free lunch at the office yesterday, a co-worker came in and said "now that you are at home... insert ominous pause... I have a kitten that has your name on it!" So for all of you cat owners out there, give me the scoop. I haven't officially said yes to this, but am considering it. Talk to me about litter boxes and cat hair. Pros and cons. How do you deal? As a child I used to sneak kittens into my room all the time, as the person who has to clean the house... 'nother story. As a person in the house alone most of the day (who doesn't really have a problem with that but...) Talk to me.

That's it for now, though on a side note I did the aerobics class again today and I'm now having trouble going up or down the stairs! Should be a fun weekend recovering from this one!

Have a fabulous Thursday!

Objects in Motion...

2011-04-06T06:33:00.000-06:00

Tend to stay in motion.

I exercise. I really do. I have Turbo Jam videos that I do in the safety of my living room. I go to the gym and get on the elliptical and the stationary bike and read a good book while puffing away. I do weight training, I do ab workouts. I really do exercise.

So when my friend Deb asked if I would like to join her for an aerobics class last Thursday I thought to myself "Sure! Why not. Perhaps I can learn something. You know, because I'm already is such good shape."

Let's take a moment shall we and go into depth about what I learned.

1. As fate would have it I am not skinny and slender and in shape and jumpy-up-and-downable! Shocking I know! When I do those exercise videos in the comfort of my own living room where there is absolutely no way I can see what I actually look like because mirrors are banned from that portion of the house, I keep perfect time! I work out in perfect harmony with that perky little instructor. I am that perky little instructor. Seriously, the only difference is that I'm taller and wear more clothes.

2. I learned that a skinny pregnant woman can run me into the ground. Yep, skinny and pregnant.

3. I learned that when I attempt the jumpy-up-and-down bit that some other force has attached itself to my body because when I clearly come to a stand still this other force is still moving all awkwardly-like. I know this because I could see it in the mirror that resides in all aerobics facilities so that you can be haunted by your own image and either swear to come back and do battle again or succumb to depression and eat an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies all by yourself.

4. I learned that I hadn't really done jumpy-up-and-down bits for a really long time. As evidenced by that fact that by the end of the day there was this strange soreness that had come over the tops of my thighs and my calf muscles. And it didn't go away for days. Days people! In fact it got worse and I walked around like I was closer to 70! I took ibuprofen to help with the pain. It lasted all the way till Monday morning! Monday morning!

5. I also learned that it is time to step up my routine. I will come back another day and do battle with that thing in the mirror and either make it beg for mercy or accept that I really do look like that and it's okay. I think some of both may come into play.

6. I learned that sometimes I need a skinny pregnant instructor to motivate me above what I thought I could do. To help push myself harder because I really can work out harder. Seriously, am I going to let a pregnant woman run me into the ground!?

7. And last but not least, contrary to what I thought would happen half way through the routine, I did not die. I lived to see another day. That's right, I have stamina!

So... I will go back on Thursday morning. I will wear a different shirt though, something in black because it's supposed to help you look slender even it you aren't. I will not stand in the front closest to the mirror (this was completely unintentional the first time and I was a bit mortified to find my larger than life self staring back at me while everyone else looked so small from a distance). I will battle the thing in the mirror and I have a sneaking suspicion that my heart will be better off having done so even if my calf muscles scream at me. Cardio. Good for the heart and soul.

Oh, and thanks Deb!

Tuesday Photo

2011-04-05T07:00:00.000-06:00

Did You Write That?

2011-03-30T07:00:00.002-06:00

Thirteen years ago I was living in Alton, IL as a missionary for my church. It was truly one of my favorite areas. It had rolling hills all over town, but not like the rolling hills I was used to, these actually had houses on them.  Historic homes, steep inclines, and brick everywhere. It sits right on the Mississippi River in all it's grandeur.

The people there, though nothing like my hometown, had some of the same endearing qualities that my hometown did. I say hometown, but really I grew up in the country so I'll say country-side instead. There's a difference you know. But on with the story.

One day during church I was struck by the humility of the people there. A farmer by origin had given one of the prayers and had thanked Heavenly Father for the rain and asked that it would bless the farmers and the crops.  Coming from "farm stock" myself it struck a chord. I thought of the many times we had prayed as a family for rain. And not just because it would cool things down, but it was desperately needed for our livelihood and the livelihood of those around us.

That evening it was my turn for the spiritual thought. )A mission is quite the experience and had it's own lingo so if you would like clarification, let me know.) I called the rest of the missionaries in my district and gave them my spiritual thought. I can't remember word for word but it had something to do with the humility of the farmer praying for their very livelihood. I wrote it down. I read it over the phone and credited "Anonymous" for the source.

Everything was going well until the last call. One of the elders asked if I had written it. A flush came to my face and I immediately replied "No. It was Anonymous." He said "Oh, it just sounded like you" and I said with greater insistence and a little more volume "No, Anonymous." Goodbye!

I hung up the phone and was flustered.  It felt like he had seen me... me.  I didn't want anyone to know I had written it. I didn't want the criticism. I didn't want them to say "yeah, I thought you did that's why it sounded so cheesy" or "dumb" or whatever they would have surely said... right? I didn't want him seeing inside my heart. I didn't even dare ask him what he thought about it, good or bad. I just wanted to hang up as quickly as possible.

Sometimes I think back on that day. The desire to share something that had deeply touched my heart was stunted with the fear of anyone knowing that it really was from my heart. It was easier to hide behind "Anonymous". That way it didn't matter what anyone thought about it because no one knew who had written it.

Would I still deny it today?

That's what sometimes goes through my head. I have always enjoyed writing even though the majority of my thoughts may never see the light of day let alone find someone else's eyes looking them over.

Fear keeps me from doing a lot of things. Fear keeps us all from doing something. Sometimes those things don't really matter, like skydiving or rock climbing. But other times, when it really does matter, fear can be absolutely crippling. Fear of hugging a family member, really letting them know you care. Fear of forgiving someone because then you might look weak. Fear of letting things go because it's all you have known even if it's one of the worst things for you. There is comfort in familiarity.

Today I haven't even come close to conquering all of my fears, and in all honesty I'm still not sure I'd own up to my Anonymous quote just yet. But then again... maybe I would.

What are your fears?

Tuesday Photo

2011-03-29T07:00:00.001-06:00

Back Row: Abigail, Mom, and Me
Front Row: Shani, Samantha, and Melissa
Missing from Girls Weekend and hence the picture: Velvet... sigh.

My Mother Always Did Her Hair

2011-03-25T07:39:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I didn't feel well... at all. It came quickly and sapped all of my energy. I did nothing but sleep, read, and watch episode after episode of Ugly Betty.

During this day I occasionally passed something reflective and got a look at myself... and then shuddered. I looked awful. I was wearing an over-sized 80s style sweater; turquoise in color, length went past my bottom side, and the collar was one of those that can either be stretched over the shoulders or left as a drape of sorts down the front. Oh and a John Deere hat. The hat was because I had to pick up David after we dropped of one of the vehicles at the mechanics. My point is that I had no make up on and my hair resembled the nest of some creature and natural light was not my friend. At all.

As I walked passed the hallway mirror once again I thought of my mother. During our girls weekend she mentioned how she always made it a point to do her hair and make-up at some point during the day whether she had plans or not. Why? Two reasons.

1. You never know who's going to show up at your door, be in the Stake President, the neighbor, or the Fish and Game officer and it's always best to be prepared.

2. She did it for herself. She knew she looked better with a "coat of paint" so to speak and she didn't like the way she looked without it.

It was number 2 that I thought about yesterday. Probably because the natural light and the frizz that was my hair and the jaw line that is less than defined all combined yesterday to reveal a pale sheet of blechk that was me.

I'm feeling better today. I will shower. I will do my hair. I will find my jawline and accentuate the positive. And the answer to the question that I asked so long ago of whether or not I will wear make-up regardless of what the day brings (aside from illness of course) is a resounding yes. The main reason being that I don't want to shudder as I walk by the mirror.

Have a lovely weekend.

I feel more better

2011-03-23T07:00:00.010-06:00

That's right, more better. I know the rules and exactly how to break them.

The last two weeks really haven't been all that great. They have been filled with a lot of angst. Angst over work, angst over babies, angst over what to do at home. So many changes all at once. But today, like Monday, I'm feeling better.

It was actually so bad at one point that I was contemplating giving up on the whole "start our own family" thing. In fact I just wanted to be branded with the "Aunt Clarice" brand and call it a day. Bring on the nieces and nephews and the spoiling of other people's children. (For those of you who don't know, my Aunt Clarice, or rather my Great Aunt Clarice on my mother's side was childless also. She was an excellent cook, had an immaculate house, and always made the children feel like a million bucks.) I was ready to quit. To pursue photography and the paying off of student loans. To be content with what I have and deal with what I don't have. "Blessings be d*mned!" thought I. I have run my race and I am done! I felt like an old plow horse with nothing left but slow and steady.

I feel differently today. I think that I actually had to admit it out loud. To actually speak the words: "I don't want children anymore" to my husband, to my mom. Dirty diapers and potty training... not for me. I had to say out loud what had been haunting me. I accepted and embraced the worst. Isn't that really it... going the complete opposite of what you have been working towards for so long. Accepting that no matter how hard you wanted something, no matter how hard you have tried that it just might not happen for you, and then turning and embracing that alternate reality.

Even as I said the words out loud they kind of scared me. I said it again to David. "I don't want children." I said it again to myself. "I don't want children." And then I felt in my insides, that place in the pit of my stomach that guides me in those intangible decisions that we all have to make... that place inside myself responded back with "Perhaps you are wrong. Perhaps there really is still reason to hope."

I feel better. Better than before. If David and I really aren't going to be able to have children, then so be it. It's not the end of the world and I have a great example from my family to guide me. But I also really don't want to give up yet. We are not at the end of our rope just yet.

So today I celebrate. Today I have things to look forward to. Like book club, and lunch on the deck if this weather would relent and let such a thing happen. Seeing my husband at lunch. Photographing the transition into Spring. Friends, family, and good good times. There are many silver linings in this life of mine. Though I can make no guarantees, I'm going to do my best not to forget it again.

Happy Wednesday ya'll!

Besides, who wouldn't be thrilled with these guys! Laurelin and Nessa. Characters all the way around.

Tuesday Photo

2011-03-22T10:12:00.000-06:00

This is my niece and I think she is absolutely stunning. I may be slightly biased but I love this shot of her.

I feel better!!

2011-03-21T08:26:00.000-06:00

Something strange and wonderful is going on.

Yesterday, as my Sunday afternoon stretched out before me and Monday morning crept closer and closer, I had the oddest sensation. You see usually Monday strikes fear into my heart. It reminds me that things need to be done and work is looming over my head. But yesterday a miracle occurred. I found myself looking forward to Monday! It almost stopped me in my tracks with the whole "positiveness" of the moment.

So what does Monday hold that makes it so special?

1. I don't have to go anywhere that I don't want to. No work meetings, no evening obligations.

2. I get to do laundry. It's not so much a curse in my life right now. Had I little ones I'm sure it would be otherwise, but for now it's not so bad. In fact I rather enjoy it because I can fold it in front of the movie selection of my choice.

3. Exercise is easier on Monday. This used to not be so. But now it's like the jump start to the week, the repentance for the weekend. It helps me find my groove.

There really isn't too much special about Monday, but it's enough of the little things that it feels good to look forward to the day.

So to all you readers out there: Enjoy your Monday! It's the only one you have all week!

The Now

2011-03-18T07:55:00.000-06:00

Image clearly borrowed from shutterstock.

Yesterday I sat at a restaurant by myself. I took a full hour to enjoy my meal. I savored every bite. Till the point that some of it was cold but that didn't matter, I still enjoyed the flavor. I took a book and enjoyed the moment. I even had dessert. The waitress was surprised. I guess no one has dessert for lunch... or at least no one but me did that day. I enjoyed every bite of it too. Usually I am in such a hurry that the flavors blend together and I'm not really even sure what I ate or how fast I ate it.

I can't enjoy life that way.

I have been woefully absent from the blogosphere of late. I have had a few things to figure out. Some discoveries to make.

1. I need a schedule. No matter how much I would like to throw caution to the wind and live for the here and now, I need a plan for the day, even for the week sometimes. When I have an idea of when things are going to get done, then I can relax and enjoy the present.

2. Making my own lunch has really thrown off my groove. For the last 4.5 years I could go to the Hub, Marketplace, Skyroom, Quadside, or Junction and get whatever it is my taste buds felt like that day. Now I have one more thing to plan and winging it is not working so well.

3. The non-separation of the work computer from the home computer strangely limits my natural desire to blog, or really do anything "personal" on the computer. I still have several topics waiting in the wings, I just haven't felt like actually writing. I am kind of disturbed by this revelation. It goes against my commitment to moderation as well as taking care of that need to express myself.

4. Despite the fact that I work from home now and have "more time on my hands" I have learned that I can't say yes to everything that is asked. I still have to take charge of my life and not be tossed about with every whim or request.

5. Moving forward with our infertility options is scaring me right now. I've never been good with needles and there will be a lot with IVF. A lot that I have to give myself. I'm scared of the effects of the hormones and exceptionally strong fertility drugs and all that things that could go wrong with it. I'm scared of the fact that it might not work either. So I'm taking a bit longer than I thought to "dive in" to it. I want to enjoy my sanity a little while before I lose it completely.

Now, there's a lot in there that needs a "Toughen up there cupcake!" and that's okay. I'm working on it. But for the last 4 years or so these are things that I have not had time in the day to deal with. They have haunted me at night, or in the wee small hours of the morning. Now I have a little more time on my hands and things that have been buried by busyness are now coming to the front lines. And that's okay. Sometimes it really is the little things that do the most damage, and now is the time to deal with them.

So like my dessert yesterday, I plan on enjoying this time. Figuring things out and savoring the moments both good and bad. The good because they give me something to hold on to during the bad. The bad because that's usually when I learn the most about the changes I need to make. Both help me move forward.

Tuesday Photo

2011-03-15T07:00:00.001-06:00

I went home last weekend and decided to attack the barn.... with my camera. There are always so many sights and smells and sounds that make up my childhood memories. I used to ride horses with my dad to check the cows. After we were done we'd unsaddle the horses and brush them down while giving them a scoop of grain.

What I Like About This

2011-03-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

"This" being this stay at home thing.

1. eating breakfast with David
2. exercising not at 5 am but more like 10:30
3. running errands during the day
4. eating lunch with David
5. doing laundry while things are downloading from work
6. music as lound or as quiet as I want it
7. the phone doesn't ring
8. jeans
9. slippers
10. not hauling a laptop around in my bag
11. making my own schedule
12. lunch with friends without the hassle of leaving campus
13. the sun streaming into my window
14. the ability to drop everything and take pictures

There are things I miss about the office too.

1. my friends there
2. my friends there
3. breakfast burritos in the morning
4. my friend there

That about sums it up.

Tuesday Photo

2011-03-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

I wish I had some tulips in my flower beds. I was neglectful last Fall and they are just sitting in a bag in a closet. Sigh. Something to look forward to for some though... eventually.

I've Never Known Someone I Didn't Like

2011-03-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Pretty bold statement don't you think?

But take a minute and really think about it. The people I don't like so well are the people that I don't understand. The ones that I only see a tiny part of. It just happens that that tiny part of them really annoys me sometimes. Really annoys me.

But what if I had walked in their shoes? Lived their life? Been exposed to the same things they had? Would I like me? Would I have a better understanding of why they do the things they do. Would it be easier for me to have compassion? To not get frustrated?

What if I spent the day with them? A couple of days even? What would I think then.

I knew Sandy when I lived in Granite City, Illinois. Or as some would say "Granite Hell". It was quite the place but it holds fond memories. Sandy scared me. At least she did at first. She had quite the gruff exterior. She had tattoos everywhere, she chain-smoked, she cursed up a storm.

Then I got to know her more. She had a sly smile that she tried to cover up. Sometimes it would just sneak out though, much like a child that tries so hard not to smile but just can't quite do the job. She had a hard life. She didn't know what compassion even looked like let alone how to give it. No one had every really tried to understand her before. She was abused by family members, as a 6-year old child she watched as her father took his own life. She'd been in and out of prison, in and out of gangs, and in and out of relationships. When I knew her she had cancer and AIDS. She was in her 30s.

But oh how I loved her. I didn't know that it was possible to love someone so much who wasn't part of my family. I didn't know that it existed. She taught me by being there, alive and somewhat willing to let me into her life. To get to know her. To care for her. I will always be thankful for that.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think we'd all be BFFs and live in a magical 'kum by ya" state just by getting to know one another better, but I do wonder if it would be easier to roll with the punches when they come. Because they will come. Sometimes we'll even throw a few ourselves and not even know it. But perhaps the tiny things that really annoy me wouldn't be quite as bad. Not that they would change, but perhaps my perspective on it would.

Just a thought.

Tuesday Photo

2011-03-01T07:00:00.003-07:00

Two Saturday's ago I went with the Cache Valley Photographer's club to the greenhouse at USU to take pictures. It was warm inside, tropical in places. It took 10 minutes for my lens to acclimatize and stop fogging up. It was perfect.

The Dirty Mistress

2011-02-28T07:00:00.005-07:00

My husband has another love.

I'm not sure what to do about it. It used to be me that turned his head, kept him on the edge of his seat with my witty banter. I could captivate him for hours.

That's all changed now.

It's partially my fault. I did give him my permission.

I just didn't know it would be so hard to compete.

Younger, smoother skin, slender.

It just doesn't seem fair. Where did I go wrong?

Sigh.

Honey, should I get more games? Is that it?

I can sing in your ear too you know.

I'll even give you the weather report if you want.

Blessed are they that mourn

2011-02-24T06:52:00.001-07:00

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."

No one likes to see themselves as ugly. Especially when we are presenting ourselves to the world. We put on our best face. We smile. We tell about the good things. We look for silver linings and cling to them no matter how fleeting. But then life catches up. The silver linings, while still there, are difficult to see for the reality that looms so impossibly large before our eyes, demanding to be dealt with. Looked at, embraced, picked apart. Reality demands, and needs, attention.

I'm pretty good at fooling myself. Preparing for the worst so that when it comes I can take it all in stride. It never really works though. Oh it does for awhile, and most importantly it works in public. When people ask how I'm doing I can readily look them in the eye and say "Just fine, and how are you?"

Now, I want you to know that I am fine. Really and truly, because mourning and crying and dealing are all things that make sure that I'm fine.

Our last round of IUI did not work. This was in no way, shape, or form a surprise. Completely expected. We found out about two weeks ago and it was taken in stride. There is a plan in place to continue moving forward and there didn't seem to be reason to mourn an all too familiar loss. In fact, it almost didn't effect me at all. I felt like I had grown. Like I had finally gotten a hold of these emotions of mine and could "soldier on".

Until today that is. Or really yesterday.

I have so very much enjoyed this week. Things have been moving along quite nicely at work. My husband is wonderful and we've been able to support each other in so many different ways this week. My stress has lessened and life is looking brighter. I've been feeling really good about everything.

And then someone asked a question. About children. About whether or not we've considered going to a doctor since we didn't have kids yet. I about fell over. It made me wonder what kind of conclusions had been drawn about me. It made me want to give a dry sarcastic laugh and set the record straight, end the conversation, and exit as quickly as possible. Instead I said "yes, many times, many doctors, no explanation just more money, and yes we are approved for adoption as well", the quick in a nut shell explanation.

I was asked again, later in the day if I had children and an even briefer explanation was given. I felt pretty blue the rest of the day. Blue enough to settle for left over macaroni and cheese for dinner.

And then there was this morning. I got up to exercise and get those endorphins going because "endorphins make you happy and happy people just don't kill their husbands." (name that movie) I exercised, I sweat, I worked out my frustrations, and then I sat on the couch and cried. Cried for the loss that I didn't feel two weeks ago. Cried at the unexplainedness of it all. Cried because I feel old and I'm worried that if I ever do get children that I won't know what to do. That I'll be out of patience, that my mother instincts have been so buried by the last 15 years that they may not surface. Worried by how dead I feel inside sometimes.

My New Year's Resolution this year is moderation. Well, you can't have the good without the bad. Dark times make you appreciate the sunshine even more. Spring will really come eventually. Those silver linings really are out there. But for a few moments, I need to deal with my reality. Ask the questions, formulate the answers, get a better grip of what I'm dealing with so I can go forward.

I know that mine is not the worst situation. I know it. There are so many wonderful people out there that I am connected with that have their own little private "hell" that has inserted itself into their lives. Things that don't have easy answers and sometimes make for awkward conversation.

Mourning is a necessary part of this life. We can only receive the needed comfort if we truly allow ourselves to mourn, to feel, to accept. That is when God can step in and lighten our path. There is hope, there is always hope. Perhaps it will be easier to see tomorrow. But for today I might just wallow in my misery, swim in it till I get all pruny (name that movie!) and then move on tomorrow, better for having done so.

I feel a little like this today. Spiky with a few blossoms. This was taken at the greenhouse shoot.

I Saw a Purple Bug

2011-02-23T07:00:00.001-07:00

I saw a purple bug on the way to work this morning.

It reminded me of Chris.

Chris was a boy in my singles ward 8000 years ago.... you know, in the 90's.

He had a purple bug. It was cool. It was metallic shiny purple.

I still had trouble getting into the back seat because of my long legs.

And to clarify for you who's minds wander and go to other places rather rapidly when "back seat" is mentioned, I was getting in the back seat for rides to ward functions. Innocent-like.

We (as in my roommates) all liked Chris. We would have all said "yes" to Chris if he had asked.

He didn't ask. Well maybe he did, but not me. My memory is getting bad.

I'm sure I would have remembered if he had asked me.

He didn't.

But he did give rides in his purple bug.

He also had a special tie tack made for him.

From one of his wisdom teeth.

It had a cavity.

Yep, we all liked Chris.

Tuesday Photo

2011-02-22T06:00:00.001-07:00

Tuesday Photo

2011-02-15T06:00:00.001-07:00

I thought this was appropriate... you know considering the holiday and all.

Cheers and Jeers: 1st and possibly only edition

2011-02-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

JEERS: To people to who talk on the phone while using the bathroom.

CHEERS: To the person in the next stall flushing the toilet 3 more times than necessary causing awkward pauses and a explanation to the person on the other end of the phone that "yes, they are in the bathroom."

JEERS: To stomach pains night after night after night.

CHEERS: To finally realizing that the reason I was having them was due to hunger! Half a slice of bread and a glass of water and I was right as rain and back to sleep... blessed, blessed sleep.

CHEERS: To being invited to a Pampered Chef party and not having to make dinner.

JEERS: To sitting in a crowd of people I didn't know that well and trying for awkward conversation.

CHEERS: To finding someone in the crowd who started reading this blog, therefore knows I'm a bit off kilter, and chose to talk to me anyways!

CHEERS: To the sun shining and warm weather on it's way!

CHEERS: To good friends who make it easy to laugh our way through life.

JEERS: To those friends potentially moving away and leaving gigantic holes in bookclub.

CHEERS: To family and the coolness of them!

CHEERS: To my wonderful husband who loves me despite me... let's be honest though, wouldnt' be nearly as fun if I was't a tad off kilter.

JEERS: To alarm clocks and the suffering they bring each day.

CHEERS: To you all and may you have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

High School P.E. and What it Did For Me

2011-02-11T07:08:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of things that I have blocked from my mind. A lot of things from High School. A lot of things from High School P.E. class. For example, I have no idea what I wore during P.E. I can't remember changing cloths. I know I did, but I've blocked it. I vaguely remember extra doses of deodorant, but that's about it.

Besides Coach Clark that is.

No one can forget him.

Coach Clark was the P.E. teacher, the wrestling coach, and the football coach. We called him the ape-man or the missing link. Cruel I know, but if you had seen him you would agree. He was barrel chested, swarthy in complexion, and as compassionate as an ape.

He put up warm-up exercises for us to do at the beginning of class. Other, less informed people, who saw the list on the wall thought they were for the wrestling team. Nope. They were for a bunch of girls.

It was not uncommon for this list to contain such things as: run 25 laps, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 25 sets of ladders. Lest you think that these were spread out, not so. Usually all four were on the "warm-up" list.

The worst were the push-ups. We had to do them right. Meaning we had to partner up and our partner had to hold their fist on the ground right below our chest. As the pusher-upper, we had to lower our body (no knee push-ups mind you, full on straight legged) to the persons fist. Then and only then had we completed a push-up. Others didn't count. I hated push-ups. Only when we had completed all of the warm-ups were we able to continue on with the rest of the class.

My partner was Sally. She was great. We cheated. We never did finish a complete set up push-ups, or at least not accurately. It was odd how sometimes I would be lifting myself up and her fist would just hit me in the chest without me even moving. Fastest push-ups I ever did. We laughed a lot. Coach Clark didn't like us. He was pretty much disgusted with our weakness. Did I mention we were in high school... we were weak by definition.

On the last day of class Sally and I decided that come hell or high water, we would finish our set of push-ups. Just this one time we would make Coach Clark proud. You know, to give him a reason to believe he was doing a good job, to pay him back for all the anguish we gave him. We didn't cheat. We persevered. We lowered our chest to the other person's fist. We collapsed regularly in exhaustion and laughter, mostly laughter. He was still disgusted with us. But we kept on going. After a good half hour into class he finally came over and told us to stop and get going with the rest of the class. He was still disgusted.

I like to think that he learned from this experience. I hope he realized that all men/women are not created physically equal. That sometimes people just aren't interested in doing push-ups until our arms fall off. That high school girls don't like to sweat during the day because it ruins make-up and hair. That not everyone is a wrestler.

I know I learned a few things. I learned that Sally was an incredible partner in crime. I learned how to change in the locker room with speed and accuracy (still can't remember what I wore though, shorts and a t-shirt I'm sure but I have no recollection of what they actually looked like). I learned to block out a lot of memories about high school P.E. I learned that I absolutely hated push-ups.

I think it may have scarred me just a little... don't worry, I'm sure I'll get over it some day.

How about your P.E. memories?

For Deb

2011-02-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

To her musical education...

You're welcome.

Tuesday Photo

2011-02-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a paper chain for a friendly reminder.

Who are you to be fabulous?

2011-02-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

We had book club last night. It was wonderful. It wasn't perfect. We aren't perfect people. We make mistakes. We have regrets. We have trials. We have issues. We aren't always appropriate. We aren't all loud, we aren't all quiet. But no one can fit us in a box.

At book club we aren't moms, we're not teachers, we're not professionals, we're not wives. We are women. We are women.

Women who come together once a month with full acceptance. Women who have been judged and have learned that no one can be judged. Women who have stories. Women who have lived different lives no matter how much "in common" some seem to have. We are women who are friends, who care about each other dearly no matter how new to the club. Women who like to laugh and have a good time. Women who need to laugh and have a good time. Women who appreciate each other for who we are.

When the evening is over we go back to our homes and we are ready to pick up our mom hats, our work hats, our job hats, our wife hats. We are better for the experience. We aren't always appropriate. We aren't perfect. We love our families. And most things about our lives we wouldn't change. We are women. We are fabulous.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

Tuesday Photo

2011-02-01T07:00:00.001-07:00

The low today is supposed to be 0 degrees. I can't handle that.
This picture was taken in Ixtapa Mexico two years ago. I can't go back, but maybe looking at it will make me feel warmer. If that doesn't work try this one:

The Week in Review

2011-01-31T07:00:00.001-07:00

I wish I had pictures, truly I do. Of course most of them would be of one thing. The one thing that I spend most of my time at. And that picture would include scrubs of varying shades.

Monday: Work. One day off the paper chain. One less person in the office.

Tuesday: I saw the foot doctor on Tuesday afternoon. I told the foot doctor the pain was still as true. And then the foot doctor he told me what to do. He said that... I needed an MRI.

Wednesday: There were interviews. Three to be precise. Three with a fourth waiting in the wings. So I went to the doctor. I mean why not. Nothing like a afternoon drive to SLC for the fertility specialist. It was a long day.

Thursday: One more interview. Check. Crazy lady who used the name of Catering for evil in an email leaving me with jaw gaping open in horror. Check. One surprising facebook status that sent me into tears and had me shutting the door to the conference room and weeping before regaining my composure. Check. Taking both a pregnancy test and an ovulation test at the same time because you don't know why you can't get a grip. Check. Both tests negative. Check. Three consecutive episodes of Grey's Anatomy (a guilty pleasure) and one bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream with caramel sauce for dinner. Check.

Friday: Something new! Nothing like an MRI first thing in the morning to get you going. Nothing like claustrophobia to lend a helping hand while staring down a tube. I slept. It was good. I won't know results until Wednesday. You know, because I need another doctor appointment.

Saturday: Another doctor appointment. Back to SLC for last round of IUI accompanied by a McGriddle breakfast. Sometimes you have to find your own perks. Home again home again jiggity jig, and then off to the Burns Supper which was really fun and tasty and great and I'm glad it's over. Oh, and one dancing proposition by a somewhat tipsy Scot. Fortunately I had a medical shoe to stave off his advances. And a husband. Phew.

Sunday: Blessed relief. Piano player called for the choir. Check. I no longer have to stress about learning to play things that are sometimes beyond my capabilities. Check. More ice cream. Check.

Hope your coming week is fan-freakin'-tastic!

Musical Thoughts

2011-01-27T07:30:00.002-07:00

My first boyfriend, and my first kiss. This was "our" song. He wrote down the lyrics and sent them to me in note form. You know, back in the dark ages before text messaging, cell phones, or the internet. It was on paper and it was folded all neat like, a little rectangle with a flap that was tucked in for security purposes. Note folding was an art, as well as note writing. That's a story for another time though.

Firehouse. Love of a Lifetime.

That song still gets to me, even after all of this time. Weird. It must be something about that first love. That first someone that you kind of connect with.

He made me a mix tape. It had this song on it too.

I don't think it was meant to last.

Things That Make Me Happy

2011-01-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Pennylu was a woman I met in St. Louis, MO while serving a mission for my church. She was awesome. She had Christmas in her basement all year round and Pepperidge Farm cookies everytime we went to see her.

She burst with life. She was the only 50ish-year old I knew who could outlast the energy of a toddler. She had a player piano and maracas. She had padded "butt-pants" for roller-blading. She had a poster on her bathroom wall entitled "Things That Make Me Happy"

I don't remember anything on that poster, but it inspired my companion and I to make one of our own. Through the years I have had several lists of things that make me happy. I can look at them and feel my spirits lift. It is time I make one again. This time I will share it with you.

There's a new page on this here blog if any of you care to look. It's my list. Some will make complete sense and some will leave you wondering. Rest assured though, all of them lift my spirits.

Change: the Second

2011-01-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym today after a really long hiatus. I made it 20 minutes in the elliptical and was only slightly better off than my last venture 1 week ago in which I wanted to cry just a little because my muscles had forgotten so much in the last three months. I persevered though. It wasn't the only thing I did but it was certainly the most taxing.

As I was there, I ran into someone I hadn't seen for quite some time. We exchanged short greetings, after all it was really early, I think it was before manners are fully awake, and then went about our business. As I left I saw that she was waiting for a tanning booth and I immediately began to judge. The dialogue in my head went something like this:

Huh. Tanning. Seriously? She's got kids, she needs to set an example. I can't believe how dedicated she's become to her body lately. I wonder if her marriage is in trouble? I bet she's not happy.

Immediately after those thoughts I felt really ugly. Not physically, but ugly on the inside. Ugly for judging. I hadn't been in contact with this person for almost 2 years. How on earth would I know what her life is like anymore? How would I know what her marriage is like. And more importantly, what gives me the right to even go there?!? And triply more important was the ugly little fact that all of that was just to cover up my feelings of jealousy because her dedication actually paid off! I'm pretty sure the envy monster reared it's ugly head and I said to it "you go! tear her down! how dare she succeed where I have failed!"

My goal for this year is moderation. Moderation in all things from how I spend my time to what I put in my mouth and in my head. Part of that is what I do with my body. How I treat it. What I decide to put into my body and how I decide to use it. What is it that I can do to be healthy. Not skinny, but healthy. To stop hating my body for whatever perceived excess I see and embrace what it can do. I mean, we're in it for the long haul, it's time I stop criticizing and embrace it for what it is. A gift from God.

On the other hand, my goal to be happy with who and what I am has had an unanticipated side effect. I call it the "Wow! I think I've stumbled on to something, why is everyone else wasting their time on this diet thing and how shallow is that! Puft!" effect, and then in my mind I walk off self-righteously because I have clearly progressed so far above them. Slaves to their bodies that they are. Puft!

And then I find myself sitting at the computer with my 4th handful of Pretzel M&Ms well on it's way to being consumed and I realize that boy howdy am I a mess!

So here I am, confessing my sins to the world and wondering how I am ever going to conquer the beast of myself. The beast of the sweet tooth. The beast that condemns others for not partaking with me.

While serving a mission for my church I had a moment of pure peace. The Lord had brought me to a point in my life where I had finally figured out that I had worth. That it didn't matter what anyone else thought, I knew that I was square with the Lord and nothing else mattered. I knew that God loved me, faults and all. During that time of inner-peace with myself, I accepted those around me without condemnation. I actually experienced unconditional love for them. Those I knew, those I didn't. It was wonderful. It was a time of building instead of tearing down. My body and soul were working together instead of fighting each other. Knowing that the Lord loved me with all of my faults let me know that He loved, and still does love, everyone that way. There was nothing left to condemn because we all needed His help. So why not help each other along the way and build things up instead of tearing them down.

I want that back. I know I can get it back, but it's going to take practice. I need to change myself. In the mission field I accepted my soul. I finally could forgive myself for my high school stupidity. I had carried it around for so long, never feeling as good as those around me. But the Lord helped me let it go. Now I need to do the same for my body. Accept it, faults and all. Love it, love-handles and all. And accept those around me regardless of shape or size. Children of God.

So my change the second is not quite as concrete as my change the first. However, it is just as important, well actually it's more important. I will change the way I think about my body and consequently the way I think about others'. I will strive to remember the lessons I've learned. I will banish body judgements. I will invite the Lord back into my life. Isn't that what it all boils down to? Remembering him in all things? I keep forgetting that we don't exactly pick and choose "all". All is all.

Tuesday Photo

2011-01-25T07:00:00.005-07:00

Weekly Review

2011-01-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

This week I learned:

1. Eliptical machines do not hurt my foot!

2. It's been a long time since I've been on an eliptical.

3. It takes longer than I remember to get over being sore from getting on a eliptical.

4. No matter how good they are, I just can't eat tamales for every meal.

5. On Wednesday I had breakfast three times, but no lunch or dinner.

6. I mostly had breakfast for lunch because there was ham... I didn't get ham for breakfast breakfast and I wanted it desperately.

7. Breakfast dinner was just because I didn't want a tamale. I had cooked cereal instead. Cracked wheat. It reminded me of my Grandma Robbins.

8. I remembered that I really do enjoy Sunday school sometimes... not always, but sometimes it's great.

9. I also remembered that I like Relief Society too. Yea, same as above, not always but usually.

10. It is impossible to just eat one Pretzel M&M.

11. Not everyone likes Spades.

12. That makes me sad, the not everyone liking Spades.

13. Not all roasts are created equal... even in a crock pot.

14. Butter really does make everything better.

Have a marvelous week!

Hey, over here!

2011-01-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm over here today: Exceeding Expectations

I think you should come with me. Not just over there, but to the Burns Supper. It's fun. It's reasonably priced, and we could carpool. Or not. Up to you. But it will still be fun.

Musical Thoughts... again!

2011-01-19T08:00:00.004-07:00

I know, what is this rare phenomenon that is happening! I can't really be sure myself, I just feel the need to share in the awesomeness of the music that once was "the" music. Some mock it now, but it still speaks to my soul.

Oh how I love big hair! or did? or don't?

And how bout something a little more mellow.

Seriously, can you live without having known the Scorpions?

And last but not least, the song I worshipped from 8th grade on even though it really didn't fall into my time frame. Chicago really is just awesome though... especially for hormonal teenage girls who cling onto anything remotely sappy but will rather die than admit it.

Sad! Embedding disable, but you should check it out anyway, here's the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRfy1yorkec&ob=av2nm

Ah, love. And for the record, Peter Cetera was never good looking. Hope that doesn't offend anyone. Great voice though.

Tuesday Photo

2011-01-18T08:00:00.008-07:00

I am determined to find things to enjoy about January. Even the coldest of cold has it's beautiful times. This picture was taken not far from my house. On a whim I turned right instead of left while on my way home from work. I wanted to see what winter had done to the road, the fields, the stream. This pictures doesn't do justice, but it was really quite beautiful.

The Week in Review

2011-01-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

I came home early from church today. David has slicker shoes so I opted to walk home in the rain. It felt appropriate to my mood. I am just not feeling all that well though I'm not entirely sure all of it is physical. I feel a little blue today. I'm sure the weather has something to do with it, and January as a whole... that whole no sunshine thing gets to me every stinkin' year!

On the way home I had a good think though. Things are usually never how they seem. The darkest fears more often than not don't come true, or at least not to the extent we fear. I got to thinking about everything that has happened this week, good and bad, and I just want to share what I've learned, or in most cases re-learned.

1. Miracles do happen. See here, and then here. Thank you all for putting this little family in your prayers. It's not quite over but the biggest fears are put to rest.

2. It has been re-confirmed that my decision to go to part time is indeed a good thing. And perhaps for my sanity a paper chain would be the right thing to do.

3. I have a great friend at work who makes all the crazy worthwhile. Thank you Amy for making it so easy to laugh!

4. I really do love photography. I'm not that good at it, but already I can see improvement in my picture quality and composition. Still not great, but better and most importantly, I really enjoy it.

5. Having choir practice after church doesn't stress me out nearly as much as having it before church! Shazaam!

6. I seriously miss exercise and so do my flappy calf muscles. It's been right around 3 months since I've been able to exercise regularly and now I'm lucky to get 1 day in a week. None of that being jumping around or running or anything. This is due to...

7. My shoe, or rather the foot. I haven't written about this but many of you know already. I injured my left foot by over-using it. I blame this solely on high heels and bridal fair. Never mind that the injury didn't occur then or that it really can't be pin-pointed. It's what I'm going with. Now I have a shoe, one that the doctors give you with specific instructions to stay off of it and I mean it!

8. Bone bruises take a long time to heal. Yep, that's the problem with the foot. Bone bruised on the ball of my foot. Really difficult to go down stairs.

9. It's almost impossible to find cute shoes that offer the support needed to heal a bone bruise. Shoe Carnival saved me though.

10. I'm not very good at making lists.

11. I have the best husband ever. I've stated it before but he has been so supportive of me it's almost ridiculous. He puts up with my mood swings and still wants to hang around me! Amazing right!

That being said, I am feeling slightly better. I guess that hymn "Count Your Blessings" really does work.

I hope this Sunday brings you some peace. I hope this coming week brings enjoyment and gets you one step closer to your dreams. And if not, may lots of chocolate come your way to help you get through it all.

Peace out.

A musical thought

2011-01-12T20:22:00.001-07:00

K So rarely to I post things about music here. But a friend of mine mentioned this on her facebook status and I couldn't believe I had forgotten about Toto. I love Toto. It really brought me right back to those melancholy high school feelings. Oh and the hair and earrings are stellar.

Enjoy

Okay, so I put in a Pandora station for Toto. This was the next song and I just love the airband! Oh Journey, you truly have a special place in my heart as well.

And who can truly call it complete without a little Foreigner.

How about a little Mr. Mister to round things off.