It's time for some changes in my life. It's time to get back into this writing bit. This writing bit that's just for me... and whoever is bored enough to read this.
Recently I have a felt the need to put everything on hold that can be put on hold. Meetings, books, projects. Do you ever get that way? Feel that need to just stop and set everything aside until you decide that you actually want to pick them up again instead of have to pick them up again?
My life is at that point that it is so full of good things, things that I willingly put into my life, that those good things have stopped being a choice and have instead turned into a chore. Instead of a bright spot in my day they have turned into another thing on the list of everything else that needs to be done and I'm left wondering when it is that I have time to breathe.
So I'm taking a break for awhile. A break from some of the good things so that I can remember what it is like to take a full breath. I want to remember what it is like to want to do something instead of feel obligated. I want to choose to put those good things back in my life again knowing that they really are good and I really do want them.
So this week I will do the necessary laundry and cooking. I will take time to really honest and truly clean my kitchen. I will take a look at all aspects of my life and put it into perspective. I will stop being tossed about by everything that I could/want/should do and make real choices based on real abilities, real time, real results.
There. That felt good. Now to conquer the world!
Showing posts with label Just me ranting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just me ranting. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
What Happens at Two?
Can someone please tell me what happens to the child's brain when he/she turns two?
What is it that clicks into place and they decide that all good behavior previously exhibited and that the parents have come to expect is now to be thrown out the window and replaced by complete and utter chaos?
Why can't the couch cushions actually stay on the couch? Why do all the toys need to be thrown down the stairs? Why does water have to be spit out of the mouth rather than swallowed?
What happens at two to make your child decide that instead of going to sleep when you lovingly put them down to bed at their regular bed time, you know the one that hasn't been a problem for well over a year now, that one that allows the parents of said child a few hours together to collect thoughts, wind down for the night, and actually reflect on how much they love their child... why does that seem impossible to do? Why is it a better idea to spend an hour or two jumping in said bed rather than sleeping in said bed? Alternately crying out in mock duress to get the parents attention while throwing everything out of the crib including the sock monkey that the child can't seem to be able to get to sleep without.
What happens that makes it so that food suddenly becomes a hassle instead of something enjoyable, which actually was the case previous to turning two? Something to endure a few bites of so said child can get on to other activities like spitting out water, throwing things down the stairs, or begging for one more showing of Toy Story? All the while getting ornery because they actually are hungry but can't seem to associate satisfied belly with a satisfied mood which is what parents are really going for, especially mom who will be spending the rest of the day with said child and having to put up with said orneriness and thus getting more and more frustrated when child will not cooperate and even pretend to try to keep the d@mn scrambled egg (which he loves by the way) in his mouth for more than two seconds.
What happens at two that makes a parent who thought that she was doing a pretty good job overall suddenly feel like a failure. One who cannot keep her child under control. One who just does not know what the crap she's doing and finds herself desperately wanting to escape reality for just a little while by getting lost in a book or a good movie but can't because the cushions on the couch are missing?
Am I coming off too strong? Too frustrated? Too needy?
Suggestions are welcome. Real ones. And for the love of all that's holy please oh please do not tell me that it just gets worse cause that will actually not help at all. I already know that it will get worse. I know that the time will go quickly because it seems like yesterday that he was just a babe in my arms instead of this little person running around with such a big personality. I know the weeks and months will fly by, but the days? The hours that are here right now? They seem like an eternity to get through, especially when I'm putting the cushions back on the couch for the umpteenth time.
What is it that clicks into place and they decide that all good behavior previously exhibited and that the parents have come to expect is now to be thrown out the window and replaced by complete and utter chaos?
Why can't the couch cushions actually stay on the couch? Why do all the toys need to be thrown down the stairs? Why does water have to be spit out of the mouth rather than swallowed?
What happens at two to make your child decide that instead of going to sleep when you lovingly put them down to bed at their regular bed time, you know the one that hasn't been a problem for well over a year now, that one that allows the parents of said child a few hours together to collect thoughts, wind down for the night, and actually reflect on how much they love their child... why does that seem impossible to do? Why is it a better idea to spend an hour or two jumping in said bed rather than sleeping in said bed? Alternately crying out in mock duress to get the parents attention while throwing everything out of the crib including the sock monkey that the child can't seem to be able to get to sleep without.
What happens that makes it so that food suddenly becomes a hassle instead of something enjoyable, which actually was the case previous to turning two? Something to endure a few bites of so said child can get on to other activities like spitting out water, throwing things down the stairs, or begging for one more showing of Toy Story? All the while getting ornery because they actually are hungry but can't seem to associate satisfied belly with a satisfied mood which is what parents are really going for, especially mom who will be spending the rest of the day with said child and having to put up with said orneriness and thus getting more and more frustrated when child will not cooperate and even pretend to try to keep the d@mn scrambled egg (which he loves by the way) in his mouth for more than two seconds.
What happens at two that makes a parent who thought that she was doing a pretty good job overall suddenly feel like a failure. One who cannot keep her child under control. One who just does not know what the crap she's doing and finds herself desperately wanting to escape reality for just a little while by getting lost in a book or a good movie but can't because the cushions on the couch are missing?
Am I coming off too strong? Too frustrated? Too needy?
Suggestions are welcome. Real ones. And for the love of all that's holy please oh please do not tell me that it just gets worse cause that will actually not help at all. I already know that it will get worse. I know that the time will go quickly because it seems like yesterday that he was just a babe in my arms instead of this little person running around with such a big personality. I know the weeks and months will fly by, but the days? The hours that are here right now? They seem like an eternity to get through, especially when I'm putting the cushions back on the couch for the umpteenth time.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
All that schtuff...
I am done.
Done with the clutter.
Done with the stashing of things to get to them later.
Done with the stashing of things and forgetting about them till sometimes months later.
Done.
There's no time today. I have a list of things to do. People to see. Groceries to shop for. I need to get ready for the evening. I need to get food prepared and stuff ready for Sunday. I need to ignore the clutter and put my energy into things that need to be done today. That need to be taken care of for the basic necessities of life. Ignore the cars everywhere. Ignore the piles of papers. Ignore the drawers where things have been shoved because they don't have an actual "spot" in my house.
But I can't. Today I can't. While waiting for my husband to get ready to help me with a photo shoot, I took the mail filing system that I carefully crafted two years ago to help organize the madness and I tore it apart. I ripped the folder out and gutted the black wooden box that housed it all and hung it back up.
I felt better.
The box that had stopped being used for mail and had simply become a place to catch wandering bits of stuff, is empty. Forever. I like the way it looks all gaping and open on my wall. I actually like it again.
I wish that were the only spot.
The thing is, I'm not really all that cluttered. I mean I have my fair share, but comparatively speaking I'm not bad. I only have two drawers of chaos. Only a few surfaces to collect the leftover whatever it is that needs to be looked through, sorted, organized, thrown... processed. The rest is pretty good.
But still it bugs. I want everything to have a place and those that don't, I need them to go away. Forever. So today I'm ignoring chunks of my official list. Moving those items to Monday. Some maybe never. Today I'm finding things. Like surfaces and peace of mind.
Wish me luck!
Done with the clutter.
Done with the stashing of things to get to them later.
Done with the stashing of things and forgetting about them till sometimes months later.
Done.
There's no time today. I have a list of things to do. People to see. Groceries to shop for. I need to get ready for the evening. I need to get food prepared and stuff ready for Sunday. I need to ignore the clutter and put my energy into things that need to be done today. That need to be taken care of for the basic necessities of life. Ignore the cars everywhere. Ignore the piles of papers. Ignore the drawers where things have been shoved because they don't have an actual "spot" in my house.
But I can't. Today I can't. While waiting for my husband to get ready to help me with a photo shoot, I took the mail filing system that I carefully crafted two years ago to help organize the madness and I tore it apart. I ripped the folder out and gutted the black wooden box that housed it all and hung it back up.
I felt better.
The box that had stopped being used for mail and had simply become a place to catch wandering bits of stuff, is empty. Forever. I like the way it looks all gaping and open on my wall. I actually like it again.
I wish that were the only spot.
The thing is, I'm not really all that cluttered. I mean I have my fair share, but comparatively speaking I'm not bad. I only have two drawers of chaos. Only a few surfaces to collect the leftover whatever it is that needs to be looked through, sorted, organized, thrown... processed. The rest is pretty good.
But still it bugs. I want everything to have a place and those that don't, I need them to go away. Forever. So today I'm ignoring chunks of my official list. Moving those items to Monday. Some maybe never. Today I'm finding things. Like surfaces and peace of mind.
Wish me luck!
Friday, August 30, 2013
A List
1. Each year I think that the summer is going too quickly, and each year August comes and I wonder if it will ever be cool again. Will the nights ever cool off quickly enough? Will I ever want to go outside again? Because frankly, right now I don't want anything hot... at all. I want that crisp chill in the air that Fall brings. I want the season to change and Fall to last longer by starting it earlier.
2. Checking out ebooks from the Library for my Nook just might drive me to drink. I have two brave souls who powered through the process and passed the information on to me. I followed the instructions. I made it past the error messages and thought that I was in the clear. But no. Oh no. The fates have conspired and I still can't get it to work. Fortunately I have in home tech support who will hopefully figure it out for me because frankly my head hurts.
3. My son is a jumper. He's jumping. On things, off things, from the floor, from the couch. It's a good thing 911 is easy to remember. I haven't had to use it yet and hopefully never will. Oh my brave and scary boy!
4. I have been going through Ben's old clothes again. I figure it was time since I had boxes stuffed to over flowing. What surprised me was that some I just could not give up. Even though they are all going to a good home and they don't fit him anymore at all. Even though having them around for the "maybe we'll get another one" kind of breaks my heart a little. I just couldn't give them all. It's not so much the hope that there will be another as the inability to let go of the little that my little one used to be. In short, I may be in denial.
5. My baby is 18th months. 18 months!! When? How? He used to be this:
Now he's this:
That is all. The end of the list. Mostly because my baby who is not much of a baby anymore is up, and needing me, and I'm gonna try to enjoy every minute of it.
Happy Friday.
2. Checking out ebooks from the Library for my Nook just might drive me to drink. I have two brave souls who powered through the process and passed the information on to me. I followed the instructions. I made it past the error messages and thought that I was in the clear. But no. Oh no. The fates have conspired and I still can't get it to work. Fortunately I have in home tech support who will hopefully figure it out for me because frankly my head hurts.
3. My son is a jumper. He's jumping. On things, off things, from the floor, from the couch. It's a good thing 911 is easy to remember. I haven't had to use it yet and hopefully never will. Oh my brave and scary boy!
4. I have been going through Ben's old clothes again. I figure it was time since I had boxes stuffed to over flowing. What surprised me was that some I just could not give up. Even though they are all going to a good home and they don't fit him anymore at all. Even though having them around for the "maybe we'll get another one" kind of breaks my heart a little. I just couldn't give them all. It's not so much the hope that there will be another as the inability to let go of the little that my little one used to be. In short, I may be in denial.
5. My baby is 18th months. 18 months!! When? How? He used to be this:
Now he's this:
That is all. The end of the list. Mostly because my baby who is not much of a baby anymore is up, and needing me, and I'm gonna try to enjoy every minute of it.
Happy Friday.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Today I'm a Widow...
Today David left at 5:15 am to load up the scouts and head to Scout camp. Today at 5:15 am I became a widow. A Scout Widow. A single mom with a 1-year old boy with way too much energy sometimes.
I have been looking to this time with my fear, trepidation, and just a bit of excitement. While I really like my husband and enjoy having him around, it will be kind of nice to just cook for me and Ben. I eat simply. I don't require a set table and neither does Ben. If I don't do the dishes right away there is no one to notice but me. If the house is a mess, no one cares but me. My mess will not get in anyone else's way.
That's kind of a good feeling.
What I am worried about is Ben. I have my doubts whether I will be enough for him this week. He usually has us both at meal times and some good one on one time with each of us while the other is getting things done. It works well for us. It works well for him. But just me?
I have also been thinking of all the things that I want to do while David is gone. Things like:
* Clean the house from top to bottom. Really clean. Vacuum under everything, clean the curtains, dust the world.
* Make a wall hanging for the bedroom.
* Finish the pictures I started to frame and get them hung.
* Paint the downstairs living room.
* Make a wall hanging for the kitchen.
* Paint the laundry room so that it no longer feels like the orphan room of the house.
* Organize Ben's room and get rid of what we're not using for him. I have a bajillion pairs of pajamas that are all too hot for his size stuffed in drawers and shelves to get them out of the way.
* Go through my clothes and get rid of things that I don't wear anymore.
*Organize the kitchen drawers and shelves. I seriously wish I had time to take every little thing out of every little space in my whole house and place it with purpose.
I know that I should schedule in some downtime but right now that feels like the last thing I want to do. I just want to take advantage of this time and accomplish great things while there is no other adult around to... well get in my way.
At least that's the wish... reality usually tells me differently. Reality says I'm trying to do more than is possible. Or am I?
I have been looking to this time with my fear, trepidation, and just a bit of excitement. While I really like my husband and enjoy having him around, it will be kind of nice to just cook for me and Ben. I eat simply. I don't require a set table and neither does Ben. If I don't do the dishes right away there is no one to notice but me. If the house is a mess, no one cares but me. My mess will not get in anyone else's way.
That's kind of a good feeling.
What I am worried about is Ben. I have my doubts whether I will be enough for him this week. He usually has us both at meal times and some good one on one time with each of us while the other is getting things done. It works well for us. It works well for him. But just me?
I have also been thinking of all the things that I want to do while David is gone. Things like:
* Clean the house from top to bottom. Really clean. Vacuum under everything, clean the curtains, dust the world.
* Make a wall hanging for the bedroom.
* Finish the pictures I started to frame and get them hung.
* Paint the downstairs living room.
* Make a wall hanging for the kitchen.
* Paint the laundry room so that it no longer feels like the orphan room of the house.
* Organize Ben's room and get rid of what we're not using for him. I have a bajillion pairs of pajamas that are all too hot for his size stuffed in drawers and shelves to get them out of the way.
* Go through my clothes and get rid of things that I don't wear anymore.
*Organize the kitchen drawers and shelves. I seriously wish I had time to take every little thing out of every little space in my whole house and place it with purpose.
I know that I should schedule in some downtime but right now that feels like the last thing I want to do. I just want to take advantage of this time and accomplish great things while there is no other adult around to... well get in my way.
At least that's the wish... reality usually tells me differently. Reality says I'm trying to do more than is possible. Or am I?
 |
| Taken on USU campus at the top of the amphitheater. I love the gnarled roots with new life. |
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Too Much Information
That isn't a warning. Or maybe it is.
Lots has been happening around the Sullivan household. One of the many is that we made the mistake of watching these two documentaries on food. "Hungry for Change" and "Forks Over Knives". I say mistake because now I know too much. Now if I choose to ignore the information I have been given... well, I'm kind of stupid.
Since watching these two documentaries, which can be found on Netflix streaming, David and I have tried to incorporate more healthy choices into our meals. We've been trying to make our food count for something besides filling up our stomachs. I have signed up for Bountiful Baskets. My grocery list has more fruits and vegetables on it than ever before. My fridge and counter tops are filled with fresh foods and I am trying to figure out how to use such things as fresh brussel sprouts and kale.
We now have a juicer which is great for helping us get our fruits and veggies in. Especially the ones that we don't really like or know what to do with (kale, beets, etc.). Or for me, those that I will only eat with Ranch dressing. Carrots, apples, and tangerines make a great breakfast juice by the way. You can even add celery (which I will not eat fresh because I don't like it) and lime juice for a little zip. In fact you can add just about anything and get all those good nutrients that you normally wouldn't because you just don't.
We also have a counter top pressure cooker which is quickly becoming a favorite item. This one I entirely blame on Tawnya and Isaac because they got one and preached of its loveliness. And it is lovely. Rice and beans and other things cook so fast and... perfectly. Sigh.
There are more reasons behind this change than just watching documentaries. Our health for example. We have private health insurance with a high deductible which means that a whole lot of money will be coming out of our pocket before that deductible is met. Oddly enough we don't have a whole lot of money sitting around waiting to come out of our pockets. So the healthier we get, the better off we are.
Other benefits are there too. Eating more fruits and veggies has actually given me more energy than before. I have been able to do really dang stinkin' hard workouts and do them well! I haven't gotten quite as sore and I feel like I have more energy. I LOVE it. I Love being able to do more with my body. To feel capable. I'm not talking marathons or anything, but one of my main goals has always been to be able to move the mass I've got. I may not be able to lose the weight that I want, but I wanted to make sure that I was active enough to move it around and do what I want.
I feel good. I mean good. It used to be that to have a day, a full day where I actually felt all the way "good"... no bloated feeling or cramping or blahness that I have completely gotten used to as "my normal", was unheard of. I never ever felt "good". "Fine" sure. "Okay" you bet. But "good" really and truly "good"? Now in fairness it's not all the time, but I have had more good days than not so good days. So I call that a win.
It also does not mean that I will never have another dessert again because that's simply not possible. It just means that perhaps, just perhaps I won't be so addicted to them. And if I'm not so addicted to desserts, then perhaps I actually will lose weight. Hmmm.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
(You're welcome)
So that's what's been happening here in our neck of the woods. Between the deforesting of our forest and the state of our bellies, I think we're having a pretty successful Summer.
Lots has been happening around the Sullivan household. One of the many is that we made the mistake of watching these two documentaries on food. "Hungry for Change" and "Forks Over Knives". I say mistake because now I know too much. Now if I choose to ignore the information I have been given... well, I'm kind of stupid.
Since watching these two documentaries, which can be found on Netflix streaming, David and I have tried to incorporate more healthy choices into our meals. We've been trying to make our food count for something besides filling up our stomachs. I have signed up for Bountiful Baskets. My grocery list has more fruits and vegetables on it than ever before. My fridge and counter tops are filled with fresh foods and I am trying to figure out how to use such things as fresh brussel sprouts and kale.
We now have a juicer which is great for helping us get our fruits and veggies in. Especially the ones that we don't really like or know what to do with (kale, beets, etc.). Or for me, those that I will only eat with Ranch dressing. Carrots, apples, and tangerines make a great breakfast juice by the way. You can even add celery (which I will not eat fresh because I don't like it) and lime juice for a little zip. In fact you can add just about anything and get all those good nutrients that you normally wouldn't because you just don't.
We also have a counter top pressure cooker which is quickly becoming a favorite item. This one I entirely blame on Tawnya and Isaac because they got one and preached of its loveliness. And it is lovely. Rice and beans and other things cook so fast and... perfectly. Sigh.
There are more reasons behind this change than just watching documentaries. Our health for example. We have private health insurance with a high deductible which means that a whole lot of money will be coming out of our pocket before that deductible is met. Oddly enough we don't have a whole lot of money sitting around waiting to come out of our pockets. So the healthier we get, the better off we are.
Other benefits are there too. Eating more fruits and veggies has actually given me more energy than before. I have been able to do really dang stinkin' hard workouts and do them well! I haven't gotten quite as sore and I feel like I have more energy. I LOVE it. I Love being able to do more with my body. To feel capable. I'm not talking marathons or anything, but one of my main goals has always been to be able to move the mass I've got. I may not be able to lose the weight that I want, but I wanted to make sure that I was active enough to move it around and do what I want.
I feel good. I mean good. It used to be that to have a day, a full day where I actually felt all the way "good"... no bloated feeling or cramping or blahness that I have completely gotten used to as "my normal", was unheard of. I never ever felt "good". "Fine" sure. "Okay" you bet. But "good" really and truly "good"? Now in fairness it's not all the time, but I have had more good days than not so good days. So I call that a win.
It also does not mean that I will never have another dessert again because that's simply not possible. It just means that perhaps, just perhaps I won't be so addicted to them. And if I'm not so addicted to desserts, then perhaps I actually will lose weight. Hmmm.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
(You're welcome)
So that's what's been happening here in our neck of the woods. Between the deforesting of our forest and the state of our bellies, I think we're having a pretty successful Summer.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Is it really Tuesday?
Today feels like Wednesday. Like I should be doing Wednesday things instead of whatever it is I do on Tuesday. Usually that entails getting all dolled up in my husband's old work clothes, forsaking makeup, and hitting the yard hard. But today? Today, not so much.
Today started on a bad last night. My son has been having trouble sleeping since Saturday night. He's got a dang cold (grr!) and because of my stellar parenting, he had heat rash. We were at a BBQ with friends and spent a good chunk of time in the great outdoors. Neither one was completely evident till Sunday. In fairness I have never had heat rash myself so I wasn't so much on the lookout for it. And we did put a hat and sunscreen on the little tike. But that's neither here nor there. What is here and there was the fact that due to both (and teething, I almost forgot that never ending saga!) so due to all three, my son has not slept through the night since Saturday. And not just a little wake-up cry and go back to sleep, but a "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth hold me till I calm down and I'll see you again in a few hours" kind of wake-up call.
Fortunately, he is taking naps and little by little his cold and the heat rash are subsiding. In fact, last night he was not up again after 2 am. But me? Oh no, not me. I woke up at 2 to his cries, gave him a little cuddle and sent him back to bed and then couldn't go back to sleep myself! In fact I was awake till 4:30 silently weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth because sleep would just. not. come and I was so very tired. Even after 4:30 it was a fitful sleep full of tossing and turning and thinking that I could hear Ben crying again.
So today. Tuesday. The day that was scheduled for productivity and one more section of yard cleared by the sweat of my brow... well, it's kind of been a bust. And I'm okay with that. There's still tomorrow to mow the lawn. The tree stumps can wait another week, heaven knows they'll still be there. (Did I tell you that I have dug out 17 stumps all by myself this year? 17!! I feel pretty good about that.) Instead I took a nap. I went for a walk with Ben and let him play at the park for a bit. I pretended to do the dishes and have opted for salads for dinner because then I don't have to cook. I will still forsake the make-up because it's almost 3pm right now and what's the point. I will let go. I will be content to do the bare minimum. I will let my mind wander and should it start making lists of what "should be done" I will make it stop. Today I will be okay with what has been done.
Today I will just be.
Today started on a bad last night. My son has been having trouble sleeping since Saturday night. He's got a dang cold (grr!) and because of my stellar parenting, he had heat rash. We were at a BBQ with friends and spent a good chunk of time in the great outdoors. Neither one was completely evident till Sunday. In fairness I have never had heat rash myself so I wasn't so much on the lookout for it. And we did put a hat and sunscreen on the little tike. But that's neither here nor there. What is here and there was the fact that due to both (and teething, I almost forgot that never ending saga!) so due to all three, my son has not slept through the night since Saturday. And not just a little wake-up cry and go back to sleep, but a "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth hold me till I calm down and I'll see you again in a few hours" kind of wake-up call.
Fortunately, he is taking naps and little by little his cold and the heat rash are subsiding. In fact, last night he was not up again after 2 am. But me? Oh no, not me. I woke up at 2 to his cries, gave him a little cuddle and sent him back to bed and then couldn't go back to sleep myself! In fact I was awake till 4:30 silently weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth because sleep would just. not. come and I was so very tired. Even after 4:30 it was a fitful sleep full of tossing and turning and thinking that I could hear Ben crying again.
So today. Tuesday. The day that was scheduled for productivity and one more section of yard cleared by the sweat of my brow... well, it's kind of been a bust. And I'm okay with that. There's still tomorrow to mow the lawn. The tree stumps can wait another week, heaven knows they'll still be there. (Did I tell you that I have dug out 17 stumps all by myself this year? 17!! I feel pretty good about that.) Instead I took a nap. I went for a walk with Ben and let him play at the park for a bit. I pretended to do the dishes and have opted for salads for dinner because then I don't have to cook. I will still forsake the make-up because it's almost 3pm right now and what's the point. I will let go. I will be content to do the bare minimum. I will let my mind wander and should it start making lists of what "should be done" I will make it stop. Today I will be okay with what has been done.
Today I will just be.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A special little rant...
It's been awhile. I gave my laptop a home in the basement and it's been good mostly. Good because I'm not spending nearly as much time checking email or facebook or anything else. It's given me some breathing room that I needed. You see it used to be in the kitchen and it was just too easy to check something "real quick" while making breakfast and then get myself trapped, and off schedule and behind in every other part of my life.
The bad part is that now I have to intentionally get on the computer. I have to make time instead of stealing it. Not the easiest thing to do sometimes. But occasionally, something so... amazing? happens that the time is made. Like now.
Last Saturday we went to the park as a family. David's parents and brothers were up for Easter and we were all enjoying the sunshine. It was also Ben's first experience at the park and there were a gazillion kids, as we knew there would be. But it was fun. David and I were experiencing things through new eyes and were excited to introduce Ben to the joys of slides, which he cried on, and swings, which he loved, and walking on the grass, which he barely tolerated. Being unsure how he would handle it, we were understandably very close at all times, especially when he was going up the stairs on the playground equipment, scared to death that he would trip and fall out the open sides.
There was another couple watching us. They were younger, as most people with small children are. They were friendly enough though. After a little small talk the mother asked "Is he your first?" We beamed proudly and answered in the affirmative. She replied "No wonder you still act like he's special. After two or three you'll get over it."
Neither David nor myself knew how to respond to this. We must have said something, or maybe just laughed a little awkwardly and then made our way away from her and her three children who apparently are not special anymore because she's gotten over it.
Perhaps it's weird but I felt a little wounded. Like I had been weighed, measured and found wanting. Like I obviously did not "get" what this parenthood thing was all about. That I must not have enough experience with children because if I did I would realize that I didn't need to treat my kid like he's something special because after three they are all ordinary. Same. Nothing to be celebrated.
This experience reminded me of that of another friend. One who also has an only child. She was told that she wasn't a "real" mother since she only had the one. Weighed, measured, and found wanting. Like she hadn't carried her son for 9 months. Like she didn't love him and worry about him and lose sleep over him the way a mother does. Like if you don't have at least three or four munchkins running around creating havoc then you aren't a "real" mother because it's all about the battle scars and the more you have the more qualified you are. What a load of crap.
I sat down with my mother-in-law and told her about this little one-liner experience. She was a bit taken aback as well which made me feel better. I wondered what the woman would have said if I had responded with something like: "I'm sorry that your children are no longer special, that must be difficult for them." or "I won't have to worry about two or three since I'm barren and it's a miracle we have this one." Toss a little awkwardness back.
In fairness to the mom at the park, she may have just been tired. She may not have realized how her words would sound when she said them. I know that she didn't know us and our situation. She may have just seen an overprotective set of parents following their child around the park desperately wanting him to have a good time and not get hurt.
In fairness to me, my child is special. Every child is special. Each little spirit has something to give to this world. That does not mean that my child is perfect or that he will get away with murder. Because he doesn't and he won't. I want to be able to enjoy every minute of his little life, but that's just unrealistic. I love him with all my heart, but sometimes naptime can't come quickly enough. I also believe that part of my job as a parent is raising a child with enough discipline that other people will like him too. That is not an easy task either. But even in the midst of a meltdown, my child is still special. If the Lord sees fit to bless us with another little miracle, and rest assured a miracle it will be, then I plan on treating that new little spirit as special and welcome and joyful and delightful as my first.
So. Moral of the rant? Be careful what you say. Be careful how you react. And for goodness sake remember that your children are special.
Bringing in April with a bang,
Lora
Friday, February 8, 2013
Bare
I've missed sharing my words, my soul, myself. I feel kind of empty and bare which is odd because my life is so very much not empty or bare.
I got sick this week and it took two whole days out of me and threw off the entire rest of everything. I keep on waiting for Monday to show up again so that I can have a do-over. And fresh start. A chance to do the week better. A chance to get my Wednesday back in all of it's friendly glory. A chance to get things taken care of so that the weekend plans aren't thrown off.
But it doesn't work that way. Today my husband is at home and the plans that were for tonight got changed this morning and I'm still struggling to adjust. Part of me is glad of the change in plans, but part of me was honestly looking forward to the event. Even though the event leaves me at home and takes my wonderful David away for the night. I was looking forward to a gluttony of downtime completely guilt free. What is it about having someone else at home that makes me question everything I do? Like it's not good enough or hard enough to be worthy of the precious minutes out there to be taken.
Sigh.
Do you ever feel like this?
I got sick this week and it took two whole days out of me and threw off the entire rest of everything. I keep on waiting for Monday to show up again so that I can have a do-over. And fresh start. A chance to do the week better. A chance to get my Wednesday back in all of it's friendly glory. A chance to get things taken care of so that the weekend plans aren't thrown off.
But it doesn't work that way. Today my husband is at home and the plans that were for tonight got changed this morning and I'm still struggling to adjust. Part of me is glad of the change in plans, but part of me was honestly looking forward to the event. Even though the event leaves me at home and takes my wonderful David away for the night. I was looking forward to a gluttony of downtime completely guilt free. What is it about having someone else at home that makes me question everything I do? Like it's not good enough or hard enough to be worthy of the precious minutes out there to be taken.
Sigh.
Do you ever feel like this?
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
On the Elite
There are quite a few things that I learned last year about myself. My surprising ability to deal with change and a new little person in the house. The need to go with the flow sometimes rather than stick to the schedule which has always been a problem for me. I found out that I have a voice and a valid opinion that I can share. I found that I can disagree with people and not be cut off from their society. I found out that it's okay for me to question things that have "always been" because sometimes they don't really matter.
Yes, last year was a year of learning for me. But it didn't stop with the above. I learned some not so nice things about myself too. I learned that I may have some control issues and that I'm not always the nicest person. And let's face it, I knew that already but just hadn't been confronted by it quite so much. But perhaps... well not perhaps, hands down the most surprising thing I learned last year was that I was part of an "elite group". And not "elite" as in special skills Avengers type elite because that would just be cool, but elite as in exclusionary of others. Better than. Snobby.
I was told this by a good friend and if my jaw didn't drop for real it was certainly hitting the floor internally. I couldn't believe it! Still don't. Elite? Me? I didn't quite know what to think. I was caught somewhere between "in what lifetime am I part of the popular crowd" and "how did this happen and I not know it" with a good deal of "what the crap!" mixed in. Was I to be offended or flattered?
I chose to ignore it. For a long long time. Every once in awhile it would randomly pop into my mind and I would be baffled all over again. Especially because of the way this "elite" group came about. It was largely put together? fell together? came together? out of a need for group therapy. Seriously. In fact I was in the middle of my pregnancy from hell and the only thing that was keeping me together was a weekly outing with some of my favorite peeps. During these outings the kids would play and the women would talk and I would feel a little less trapped in my own disturbingly depressing thoughts. (I had some serious hormonal depression going on in the first few months of my pregnancy... like call the dr. my wife is a puddle of nothing on the floor of the bathroom type serious. People were scared for me. I was scared for me. And for good reason. I owe a lot to a good therapist and equally good but-safe-for-the-baby drugs.) So this weekly visit was saving me. Then it stopped. School started and the visits stopped. I didn't want it to stop and I mentioned it to one of the group. And then she had a marvelous idea. A brilliant idea! Those who could (as in didn't have jobs to get back to or no children at home requiring all their attention) could still meet. Just not in the same place, but perhaps inside with a nice cup of salted caramel hot cocoa to sweeten the deal. And so it began.
I loved it from the beginning. I was still working at the time but mostly from home and the outing was just the motivation I needed to get through my life. I lived for Tuesday mornings. At first it was just me and one other and it was nice. Nice because our friendship that began years before with game nights and attempts at knitting had been put on the back burner due to Book Club and craft nights and now it could flourish again. Nice because we got to connect again, really connect. And for those of you who know me, I 'm not much of a conversationalist in large groups. In fact the first couple of large group outings that David and I attended as a couple, he kept on asking if I was alright. He, being used to my one on one never stop talking persona, was baffled by this quiet girl who sat in the corner and didn't say much. I was perfectly content that way and was having a great time. He spent the time worrying that I wasn't enjoying myself. But small groups are truly my cup of tea... or hot chocolate as the case may be.
Two shortly became three as pre-school fell on Tuesday for one other woman. Tuesday mornings were for us. These women literally saved me during this time. Their advice and laughter and understanding hearts were exactly what I needed. And since we all needed therapy on some level (I kid not) we got along swimmingly! We all benefited from it.
Now do you understand my bewilderment? Elite. Us? How about broken. Or dysfunctionally functional. Or special cases. If you would have heard our conversations you might wonder!
Friendship takes effort. It takes effort to maintain. I used to think that wasn't the case. I thought that true friendship, true friends wouldn't hurt each other. It would all be smiles and sunshine and everybody agreeing on everything together. And then I grew up. I realized a few things. To be friends you don't always have to agree on everything. In fact it would be a little scary if you did always agree on things. I don't always get along with David and he's the love of my life. So what does that mean for friendship?
For me it means that at the end of the day, no matter what the discussion or disagreement is, I still want to be friends with my friends. It means that we can get through "altercations" and be stronger friends with a deeper appreciation for each other for having made it through. It means really getting to know someone, warts and all and them knowing you, warts and all, and feeling nothing but kindness and love mixed with a healthy dose of laughter.
I am sad that we were labeled as "elite" because we're not. I'm sad that people chose to be offended or hurt or excluded but never asked about it. I'm sad that things were assumed and not true.
However, I would not change this "elite" friendship for anything. Who else is going to laugh at my wildly inappropriate 13-year old boy humor? It certainly isn't David!
Happy Wednesday ya'll!
Yes, last year was a year of learning for me. But it didn't stop with the above. I learned some not so nice things about myself too. I learned that I may have some control issues and that I'm not always the nicest person. And let's face it, I knew that already but just hadn't been confronted by it quite so much. But perhaps... well not perhaps, hands down the most surprising thing I learned last year was that I was part of an "elite group". And not "elite" as in special skills Avengers type elite because that would just be cool, but elite as in exclusionary of others. Better than. Snobby.
I was told this by a good friend and if my jaw didn't drop for real it was certainly hitting the floor internally. I couldn't believe it! Still don't. Elite? Me? I didn't quite know what to think. I was caught somewhere between "in what lifetime am I part of the popular crowd" and "how did this happen and I not know it" with a good deal of "what the crap!" mixed in. Was I to be offended or flattered?
I chose to ignore it. For a long long time. Every once in awhile it would randomly pop into my mind and I would be baffled all over again. Especially because of the way this "elite" group came about. It was largely put together? fell together? came together? out of a need for group therapy. Seriously. In fact I was in the middle of my pregnancy from hell and the only thing that was keeping me together was a weekly outing with some of my favorite peeps. During these outings the kids would play and the women would talk and I would feel a little less trapped in my own disturbingly depressing thoughts. (I had some serious hormonal depression going on in the first few months of my pregnancy... like call the dr. my wife is a puddle of nothing on the floor of the bathroom type serious. People were scared for me. I was scared for me. And for good reason. I owe a lot to a good therapist and equally good but-safe-for-the-baby drugs.) So this weekly visit was saving me. Then it stopped. School started and the visits stopped. I didn't want it to stop and I mentioned it to one of the group. And then she had a marvelous idea. A brilliant idea! Those who could (as in didn't have jobs to get back to or no children at home requiring all their attention) could still meet. Just not in the same place, but perhaps inside with a nice cup of salted caramel hot cocoa to sweeten the deal. And so it began.
I loved it from the beginning. I was still working at the time but mostly from home and the outing was just the motivation I needed to get through my life. I lived for Tuesday mornings. At first it was just me and one other and it was nice. Nice because our friendship that began years before with game nights and attempts at knitting had been put on the back burner due to Book Club and craft nights and now it could flourish again. Nice because we got to connect again, really connect. And for those of you who know me, I 'm not much of a conversationalist in large groups. In fact the first couple of large group outings that David and I attended as a couple, he kept on asking if I was alright. He, being used to my one on one never stop talking persona, was baffled by this quiet girl who sat in the corner and didn't say much. I was perfectly content that way and was having a great time. He spent the time worrying that I wasn't enjoying myself. But small groups are truly my cup of tea... or hot chocolate as the case may be.
Two shortly became three as pre-school fell on Tuesday for one other woman. Tuesday mornings were for us. These women literally saved me during this time. Their advice and laughter and understanding hearts were exactly what I needed. And since we all needed therapy on some level (I kid not) we got along swimmingly! We all benefited from it.
Now do you understand my bewilderment? Elite. Us? How about broken. Or dysfunctionally functional. Or special cases. If you would have heard our conversations you might wonder!
Friendship takes effort. It takes effort to maintain. I used to think that wasn't the case. I thought that true friendship, true friends wouldn't hurt each other. It would all be smiles and sunshine and everybody agreeing on everything together. And then I grew up. I realized a few things. To be friends you don't always have to agree on everything. In fact it would be a little scary if you did always agree on things. I don't always get along with David and he's the love of my life. So what does that mean for friendship?
For me it means that at the end of the day, no matter what the discussion or disagreement is, I still want to be friends with my friends. It means that we can get through "altercations" and be stronger friends with a deeper appreciation for each other for having made it through. It means really getting to know someone, warts and all and them knowing you, warts and all, and feeling nothing but kindness and love mixed with a healthy dose of laughter.
I am sad that we were labeled as "elite" because we're not. I'm sad that people chose to be offended or hurt or excluded but never asked about it. I'm sad that things were assumed and not true.
However, I would not change this "elite" friendship for anything. Who else is going to laugh at my wildly inappropriate 13-year old boy humor? It certainly isn't David!
Happy Wednesday ya'll!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Letters
Dear Ben,
Today, or technically yesterday, you are 11 months old. Please stop growing. You keep on walking around with more and more confidence. Your too long pants don't even make you hesitate anymore. Even though I am enjoying you more and more, I still don't want you to grow up too fast...as you seem adamant on doing.
Dear David,
I'm so glad you have such a love of popcorn and even more glad that you clean out the popcorn machine after each use. And thank you for doing the dishes today. I'm not sure if I could have faced them without anger, or at least tears.
Dear Inversion,
You are dead to me. Please stop showing yourself and go bug some other valley for awhile. Or really just go away all together. I think that would be best all the way around.
Dear Sun,
I miss you. The real you, the inversion free you. Please come back.
Dear Furnace,
Thank you for working so well. You make me never want to leave the house again. At least not until the sun really shines. Now if you could figure out a way to do the laundry.
Sincerely,
Lora
Hope you all have a wonderful Monday.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Simplify
Remember that first of the year word that I'm too lazy to link to? Well my goal was to simplify my life and be resourceful. To provide on a shoestring budget. To let go of things and find ways to do others.
I've felt a need to really take stock of where I am right now. It's always interesting to look back and compare how things actually have been to how you thought they would be. Simplicity came in different forms.
*Instead of getting rid of stuff and decluttering the world, I've collected more. But it's stuff that I love rather than just happen to have.
*I've simplified my daily structure. Housework is no longer mandatory. Sanity is. There will be some sort of food on the table but the floor may not always be clean. Or at least as clean as I like it. And that's okay.
*I've learned to combine things. For example if I'm going to get regular exercise then it's going to be with Ben. Gone are the days of a really hard workout. Here are the days of a long walk with a stroller and stops to check on my baby's happiness.
*On a related note, I have let go of competing. I'm realizing at last what real beauty is. It really does have nothing to do with a waistline. More on that later.
*I have let some things go. Not physical things, but things nonetheless. As it turns out my brain was more cluttered than I even knew! I've decided stop being tossed about by every negative thing that comes my way and decide if I really want it taking up brain power. If it's actually worth taking up brain power. Why does negative seem to automatically outshine the positive?
The resourceful front has kind of been a joke. Here's what I've accomplished so far.
*I can mash fruit and vegetables for Ben to eat rather than buy the bottled baby food.
That is all. That's it! By this time I thought I would have made my own laundry soap and shampoo! But I get all scared of those unknown things like... borax! It goes right along with my inability to finish my quilt because I have to change the needle on my sewing machine (with the needle that is purchased and still in the package in a bag just waiting).
So there you have it. I think next year I'll cut it down to one word and hope for maybe a month of success before laughing it off like every other New Year's goal I've ever done! And perhaps that word should be: finish-the-dang-quilt!
Happy Wednesday my friends!
I've felt a need to really take stock of where I am right now. It's always interesting to look back and compare how things actually have been to how you thought they would be. Simplicity came in different forms.
*Instead of getting rid of stuff and decluttering the world, I've collected more. But it's stuff that I love rather than just happen to have.
*I've simplified my daily structure. Housework is no longer mandatory. Sanity is. There will be some sort of food on the table but the floor may not always be clean. Or at least as clean as I like it. And that's okay.
*I've learned to combine things. For example if I'm going to get regular exercise then it's going to be with Ben. Gone are the days of a really hard workout. Here are the days of a long walk with a stroller and stops to check on my baby's happiness.
*On a related note, I have let go of competing. I'm realizing at last what real beauty is. It really does have nothing to do with a waistline. More on that later.
*I have let some things go. Not physical things, but things nonetheless. As it turns out my brain was more cluttered than I even knew! I've decided stop being tossed about by every negative thing that comes my way and decide if I really want it taking up brain power. If it's actually worth taking up brain power. Why does negative seem to automatically outshine the positive?
The resourceful front has kind of been a joke. Here's what I've accomplished so far.
*I can mash fruit and vegetables for Ben to eat rather than buy the bottled baby food.
That is all. That's it! By this time I thought I would have made my own laundry soap and shampoo! But I get all scared of those unknown things like... borax! It goes right along with my inability to finish my quilt because I have to change the needle on my sewing machine (with the needle that is purchased and still in the package in a bag just waiting).
So there you have it. I think next year I'll cut it down to one word and hope for maybe a month of success before laughing it off like every other New Year's goal I've ever done! And perhaps that word should be: finish-the-dang-quilt!
Happy Wednesday my friends!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Stop Hitting Yourself
Did you ever have someone do that to you as a child? You know, grab your arm and proceed to hit you with it and have them say "stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself"? Most of the time it was done all in good fun and was coupled with laughter, sometimes not so much.
Fast forward to adult life. The time where you put off childish things and be... adultish. Do you ever feel like you're getting beat down by life. Like someone has taken you by the arm and is beating you with it. Like you've been placed in an impossible situation and everyone around you is out to get you?
It's the kind of situation that brings up those inferior high school feelings. The ones where you want so badly to be a part of the "popular" crowd and still find yourself on the outskirts. Trying to get in, only to be mocked. Like they have grabbed your arm and are telling you to "stop hitting yourself" as they repeatedly hit you. Keeping you down. Making you grovel.
Then, in the height of self-pity and self-righteousness, have you looked down only to find that there is no one holding your arm? No one is making you hit yourself? You really are hitting yourself of your own free will and accord? Only you are blaming someone else for it.
It's hard to swallow. The realization that perceived harms really are just perceived. They aren't real. That the ill feelings you've been harboring towards someone are unjustified. That in fact, you may actually owe them an apology? Yes my friends, it's a hard pill to swallow. The way you've been making them walk on eggshells around you. Coming to find out that they don't feel like they can be themselves around you anymore because they so desperately don't want to offend. And then you get all offended anyway.
It's hard to recover from that. It's hard to make amends. And sometimes, depending on how long it's been going on, it's hard stop feeling that way.
Isn't it all ridiculous how we women get sometimes? All dwelling on the emotional and letting it dictate our actions. Keeping us from feeling free. Free to love and be loved. Instead we turn back, remember the hurt, and start wallowing. Justifying our hurt feelings. Remembering how it started. Keeping the hurt fresh. Ignoring the fact that harm was never intended to come to you in the first place. That it was all a misunderstanding. That the last who knows how long that you've been harboring these ill feelings was unnecessary. And what does it get us? Bitterness.
Bitterness. Such an attractive quality don't you think? And remarkably good at getting in the way of our happiness! Oh, and progress. Nothing stops our ability to move forward like bitterness. It helps us harm friendships, hurt spouses, and in general keep ourselves down. It can disguise itself too. Bitterness can often be mistaken for self-righteousness or martyrdom. I find that if I don't call it bitterness then I can live a lot longer in it's grasp. I can endure the pain and anguish it causes. I can learn to like it.
It's exhausting at times, but worth it, right? Right?
**chirp **chirp**
Dang crickets. Always mocking me.
Fast forward to adult life. The time where you put off childish things and be... adultish. Do you ever feel like you're getting beat down by life. Like someone has taken you by the arm and is beating you with it. Like you've been placed in an impossible situation and everyone around you is out to get you?
It's the kind of situation that brings up those inferior high school feelings. The ones where you want so badly to be a part of the "popular" crowd and still find yourself on the outskirts. Trying to get in, only to be mocked. Like they have grabbed your arm and are telling you to "stop hitting yourself" as they repeatedly hit you. Keeping you down. Making you grovel.
Then, in the height of self-pity and self-righteousness, have you looked down only to find that there is no one holding your arm? No one is making you hit yourself? You really are hitting yourself of your own free will and accord? Only you are blaming someone else for it.
It's hard to swallow. The realization that perceived harms really are just perceived. They aren't real. That the ill feelings you've been harboring towards someone are unjustified. That in fact, you may actually owe them an apology? Yes my friends, it's a hard pill to swallow. The way you've been making them walk on eggshells around you. Coming to find out that they don't feel like they can be themselves around you anymore because they so desperately don't want to offend. And then you get all offended anyway.
It's hard to recover from that. It's hard to make amends. And sometimes, depending on how long it's been going on, it's hard stop feeling that way.
Isn't it all ridiculous how we women get sometimes? All dwelling on the emotional and letting it dictate our actions. Keeping us from feeling free. Free to love and be loved. Instead we turn back, remember the hurt, and start wallowing. Justifying our hurt feelings. Remembering how it started. Keeping the hurt fresh. Ignoring the fact that harm was never intended to come to you in the first place. That it was all a misunderstanding. That the last who knows how long that you've been harboring these ill feelings was unnecessary. And what does it get us? Bitterness.
Bitterness. Such an attractive quality don't you think? And remarkably good at getting in the way of our happiness! Oh, and progress. Nothing stops our ability to move forward like bitterness. It helps us harm friendships, hurt spouses, and in general keep ourselves down. It can disguise itself too. Bitterness can often be mistaken for self-righteousness or martyrdom. I find that if I don't call it bitterness then I can live a lot longer in it's grasp. I can endure the pain and anguish it causes. I can learn to like it.
It's exhausting at times, but worth it, right? Right?
**chirp **chirp**
Dang crickets. Always mocking me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
It's a Disease I Tell Ya!
Today, and really for awhile now, I have been struck by a disease. It's called "Perfect-Stay-At-Home-itis". I didn't know that I had it. The symptoms were subtle and could easily be confused with other conditions such as Why-can't-I-get-one-d@mn-thing-done-itis, Where-did-all-the-cookies-go syndrome, and Do-I-have-turrets-because-I'm-cussing-a-lot-more malady.
It became apparent that something was definitely wrong today. Why today? Why not today. I tried to do the laundry. Majority is still sitting in piles on the floor of the laundry room. Breakfast was a handful of dry Life cereal and a glass of lemonade left over from Ben's baby blessing on Sunday. After I bathed I put on the same clothes as yesterday and hoped they didn't smell like spit up. I didn't get the chicken out in time to have it thawed for dinner. In the hopes of surprising my husband I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies but was unable to finish baking them before needing to take care of wee child. Dinner was a fend for yourself affair which means I ate half my body weight in said pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. After the first 5 or so I felt bad because I was going to be so very good and start eating healthier which then caused a downward spiral of which I will not tell you how many I actually ate because I lost track. I complained because I didn't have time to take a walk. My husband said, go now, I'll finish baking the cookies. But I felt too disgusting and refused to. How could I possibly be a martyr if I was actually able to take the walk I complained about missing!
To clarify: I have absolutely NO delusions about being able to keep a clean house or a fully organized life while taking care of my child. None. Never have had them. I had 36 years to watch and learn and get a reality check. The laundry would never be finished. The floors would never get mopped at the same time. An all the way clean kitchen is a luxury. Getting the bed made in the morning gets brownie points somewhere, and a grown woman with braids in her hair because there is simply no time to get it dry before the magic errand-running window closes up for the day is perfectly acceptable. In fact, when visiting people with smallish children in the home I'm more surprised to find things clean!
No sir. No delusions here. However, even though I had no delusions of being able to keep up with stuff, I still had the guilt. The guilt that said somehow, someway, if I was a good stay at home mom then I should totally be able to keep up with this stuff. I mean, I quit my job! Did that mean I had "extra" time to do stuff? To clean, to cook, to make things sparkly? Because, you know, it was my job that was hindering the whole cooking/cleaning thing right? No. It wasn't the job, it was the child. The wonderful child that I absolutely love to pieces. He's the reason the house is a mess and my laundry is still on the floor.
So today, as it came to an end and I had treated my husband terribly because I ate too many cookies and felt bad. Today as I sent him back out the door to the young men's activity all worried about what kind of a state he would find me in when I got home. Today, as I continued to eat more cookies because half of my body weight wasn't enough and what else was I going to do for dinner... I started to have myself a think. To analyze my behavior and try to figure out why I was feeling so... bleck. So distraught. Wondering how I could feel so overwhelmingly loving in some aspects and so completely empty in others.
That's when I recognized the guilt. The self-imposed guilt. The guilt that was based on the unachievable. The guilt that really and truly has no place in my life or anyone else's. The guilt that doesn't let me forgive myself for not being perfect. It consumes and sucks the joy out of things like pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and taking walks I didn't think I'd be able to. Evil, evil guilt!
As I thought about this and began to recognize the dreaded evil guilt for what it really is... of the devil! I smartly decided to take advantage of Do-I-have-turrets-because-I'm-cussing-a-lot-more malady and wisely tell this guilt to "go to hell!" Right back where it came from.
There. I feel better now. I might just have another cookie.
It became apparent that something was definitely wrong today. Why today? Why not today. I tried to do the laundry. Majority is still sitting in piles on the floor of the laundry room. Breakfast was a handful of dry Life cereal and a glass of lemonade left over from Ben's baby blessing on Sunday. After I bathed I put on the same clothes as yesterday and hoped they didn't smell like spit up. I didn't get the chicken out in time to have it thawed for dinner. In the hopes of surprising my husband I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies but was unable to finish baking them before needing to take care of wee child. Dinner was a fend for yourself affair which means I ate half my body weight in said pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. After the first 5 or so I felt bad because I was going to be so very good and start eating healthier which then caused a downward spiral of which I will not tell you how many I actually ate because I lost track. I complained because I didn't have time to take a walk. My husband said, go now, I'll finish baking the cookies. But I felt too disgusting and refused to. How could I possibly be a martyr if I was actually able to take the walk I complained about missing!
To clarify: I have absolutely NO delusions about being able to keep a clean house or a fully organized life while taking care of my child. None. Never have had them. I had 36 years to watch and learn and get a reality check. The laundry would never be finished. The floors would never get mopped at the same time. An all the way clean kitchen is a luxury. Getting the bed made in the morning gets brownie points somewhere, and a grown woman with braids in her hair because there is simply no time to get it dry before the magic errand-running window closes up for the day is perfectly acceptable. In fact, when visiting people with smallish children in the home I'm more surprised to find things clean!
No sir. No delusions here. However, even though I had no delusions of being able to keep up with stuff, I still had the guilt. The guilt that said somehow, someway, if I was a good stay at home mom then I should totally be able to keep up with this stuff. I mean, I quit my job! Did that mean I had "extra" time to do stuff? To clean, to cook, to make things sparkly? Because, you know, it was my job that was hindering the whole cooking/cleaning thing right? No. It wasn't the job, it was the child. The wonderful child that I absolutely love to pieces. He's the reason the house is a mess and my laundry is still on the floor.
So today, as it came to an end and I had treated my husband terribly because I ate too many cookies and felt bad. Today as I sent him back out the door to the young men's activity all worried about what kind of a state he would find me in when I got home. Today, as I continued to eat more cookies because half of my body weight wasn't enough and what else was I going to do for dinner... I started to have myself a think. To analyze my behavior and try to figure out why I was feeling so... bleck. So distraught. Wondering how I could feel so overwhelmingly loving in some aspects and so completely empty in others.
That's when I recognized the guilt. The self-imposed guilt. The guilt that was based on the unachievable. The guilt that really and truly has no place in my life or anyone else's. The guilt that doesn't let me forgive myself for not being perfect. It consumes and sucks the joy out of things like pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and taking walks I didn't think I'd be able to. Evil, evil guilt!
As I thought about this and began to recognize the dreaded evil guilt for what it really is... of the devil! I smartly decided to take advantage of Do-I-have-turrets-because-I'm-cussing-a-lot-more malady and wisely tell this guilt to "go to hell!" Right back where it came from.
There. I feel better now. I might just have another cookie.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
How Old do I Really Look?
Okay. Give it to me straight. Just how old do I really look?
How about now?
Okay, how about now?
No really. I can totally handle it!
On Saturday I went grocery shopping. The Saturday before Easter. It was a mad house with everyone trying to get their Easter feast purchased in time for the actual event.
I was among the mad house. It wasn't too bad though. It's something that I've come to expect when grocery shopping on Saturdays. However, that is not the point of this story. That comes with the cashier. And her friendliness. And her eagerness to "bond" with me.
Sometimes eager cashiers get on my nerves. Sometimes I just want to skip the conversation and just pay and get out. This was an exception. I was in a good mood. So the conversation went something like this:
Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Sure did!
C: Have any fun plans this evening?
M: not really, just getting ready for Easter.
C: That sounds fun. Do you still have children young enough to enjoy Easter?
My internal dialogue: Did she really just say that? Just how old does she think I am? I only have a not even 2 month old child! I'm only 36! I'm barely old enough to have an.... 18-year old... Huh. I'm kind of old aren't I? Not old old, just old enough to maybe not get offended when someone thinks that I'm not 21 anymore. Or even 29.
My out loud response: Nope! In fact I only have 1 child and he's just barely 7 weeks.
C: Oh. (pause) Not quite old enough to really get what's going on yet then.
M: Nope. But we are having some friends over for dinner though.
C: Well that will be fun.
M: It will!
C: Have a good evening.
M: You too.
My dear friends of the internet blogging and real life world. If I want people to think that I'm younger than I am, it may have nothing to do with my hairstyle or facial expressions...I better just carry my child with me!
How about now?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Some random facts
1. I have a lot of "work" blogs in my google reader account. There was a time when I read them. I don't anymore. I don't even look at the pictures. But I still subscribe to them because I like how rebellious I feel when I hit "mark all as read". It makes me smile inside.
2. Cadbury mini eggs and those chocolate covered marshmallow eggs that come in the carton are my all time favorite Easter candy. I have to limit myself. One bag and 2 cartons per Easter season. They have already been eaten. Happy early Easter everyone.
3. I abhor counting calories. So I don't.
4. My baby slept 6 1/2 whole hours straight last night. I did not. I kept on waking up wondering if he was going to wake up.
5. I also like Robin Eggs, but not as much as the others.
6. I actually did a real work out routine yesterday. I had no idea my thighs could get that flabby. Huh.
7. Several weeks ago I posted on facebook that I had showered, done the dishes, fed Ben, and gotten him dressed and it was all before 10am. It has not happened since. I knew it was a fluke.
8. a picture
2. Cadbury mini eggs and those chocolate covered marshmallow eggs that come in the carton are my all time favorite Easter candy. I have to limit myself. One bag and 2 cartons per Easter season. They have already been eaten. Happy early Easter everyone.
3. I abhor counting calories. So I don't.
4. My baby slept 6 1/2 whole hours straight last night. I did not. I kept on waking up wondering if he was going to wake up.
5. I also like Robin Eggs, but not as much as the others.
6. I actually did a real work out routine yesterday. I had no idea my thighs could get that flabby. Huh.
7. Several weeks ago I posted on facebook that I had showered, done the dishes, fed Ben, and gotten him dressed and it was all before 10am. It has not happened since. I knew it was a fluke.
8. a picture
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| With messages like this, we should all eat more Dove! What a self esteem booster! |
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
More Random Observations on This Whole Thing
1. I'm pretty sure there are a few outfits that David has never seen on our child, but that he has worn. David doesn't get to see them because they don't quite last the day. When the child decides to spit up... he goes for the gold. 10 for sheer volume, and a 8.5 on style. It's pretty casual but could draw the attention more. He just looks at you, and then out of the corner of his mouth, it all comes out... down his shirt and working it's way to the back. Ensuring maximum soakage.
2. I love that David takes all of this seriously. So much that I find him humming lullabies around the house even when he doesn't have the child in his arms. My favorite was when he was swaying back and forth while reading the scriptures to me (I was nursing at the time). Oh how those habits get into you!
3. I absolutely hate daylight savings time. I know, I should move to Arizona. Apparently I don't like to sweat either.
4. Mornings are precious. They are the perfect time to get things done because my child sleeps. Now if I could actually get up in the morning and get said things done... well that would be amazing!
5. I'm actually reading on my Nook again! In case this doesn't sound as amazing as it should, I did read a lot on my Nook when I was really stinkin' sick. So much that after I got to feeling better I couldn't even look at it because it just brought all those trips to the toilet gods back. Bleck! But, miracle of all miracles, I'm reading on it again. And I enjoy it. Life is good my friends.
6. And the book that I'm reading on said Nook is called The Book Thief. It was a Book Club choice last year that I never got around to reading. I am thoroughly enjoying it! It's set during WWII in Germany and I had no idea that I would be completely captivated by it. I want to hurry and finish it but at the same time I'll be sad cause then it's done. Don't you love it when books become good friends instead of just words.
7. My baby is 3 weeks old. He's weighing in a 8 lbs 13 oz and 21 inches tall. There are so many newborn outfits that never even had a chance. The doctor said that he should start smiling and meaning it anytime now. I can see the desire in his eyes, slowly working its way towards the mouth.
Happy Tuesday everyone. I'm off to try and get a little more into that magic morning slot of time... like laundry.
2. I love that David takes all of this seriously. So much that I find him humming lullabies around the house even when he doesn't have the child in his arms. My favorite was when he was swaying back and forth while reading the scriptures to me (I was nursing at the time). Oh how those habits get into you!
3. I absolutely hate daylight savings time. I know, I should move to Arizona. Apparently I don't like to sweat either.
4. Mornings are precious. They are the perfect time to get things done because my child sleeps. Now if I could actually get up in the morning and get said things done... well that would be amazing!
5. I'm actually reading on my Nook again! In case this doesn't sound as amazing as it should, I did read a lot on my Nook when I was really stinkin' sick. So much that after I got to feeling better I couldn't even look at it because it just brought all those trips to the toilet gods back. Bleck! But, miracle of all miracles, I'm reading on it again. And I enjoy it. Life is good my friends.
6. And the book that I'm reading on said Nook is called The Book Thief. It was a Book Club choice last year that I never got around to reading. I am thoroughly enjoying it! It's set during WWII in Germany and I had no idea that I would be completely captivated by it. I want to hurry and finish it but at the same time I'll be sad cause then it's done. Don't you love it when books become good friends instead of just words.
7. My baby is 3 weeks old. He's weighing in a 8 lbs 13 oz and 21 inches tall. There are so many newborn outfits that never even had a chance. The doctor said that he should start smiling and meaning it anytime now. I can see the desire in his eyes, slowly working its way towards the mouth.
Happy Tuesday everyone. I'm off to try and get a little more into that magic morning slot of time... like laundry.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
It's time...
For an update.
It's been days since my last contact with the blogging world. The lights are growing dim just as assuredly as my ankles are growing bigger. I have unanticipated time on my hands with less and less desire to fill it productively. sigh...
Okay. For those not hanging on my every word on facebook, still no arrival of our little bambino. And no change in my condition which means a scheduled hospital date on Monday the 20th to get this party started. Wednesdsay's appointment did bring up some interesting facts though. Or really one. That being that my real due date was February 13th. Yep, that was last Monday. I'm glad I heard about this untold change on Wednesday though since ignorance is bliss.
Thursday however. Thursday was THE day. THE day that despite all the "no change" and being told that Monday was what we were shooting for... well... the spirit was willing but the emotional flesh was weak. Thursday came and the longer we were into the day the madder I got! I ended up at a dear friends house with 2 containers of ice cream, chips, dip, crackers, and if I had been a drinker I would have had two bottles of wine just for me. I have no idea if I like wine, but it would have been the drama that counted. Fortunately good conversation, a lot of laughter and Jim Gaffigan helped put things back into perspective.
Friday brought on evening primrose oil, acupressure points, walking the world, and a few other things to help get this party started naturally. To no avail. But at least it beat sitting around being irritated.
So Saturday. Today. The day that I really didn't think I would be facing. As in the day that speaks of grocery store runs, errands, house cleaning... it was never in my plan. My plan stopped on Thursday. I had no intention of having to deal with Saturday. All I want to do is eat the rest of the ice cream and watch something brainless on TV. This day I was not prepared to face.
However, lest things seem too doomy and gloomy, they really aren't. I complain because I can. Because I'm fragile and shouting the unfairness of it all when really it hasn't been that bad. In fact, the only thing that I can really complain about is not being able to put on my shoes without having David compress my feet so that I can actually get them on. Other than that, blood pressure is grand, I can still go to work and move quite well, I sleep okay, I don't have to be on bedrest, I can still scout out things at the DI and play around. Really, not much to complain about is there. In fact there are times when people out there probably hate me because I'm doing so well. And that's okay. There was quite a period in my life when I hated everyone who even got pregnant at all simply because I couldn't. Not a real hate, just a jealousy thing. Fortunately that stopped a few years ago as I came to terms with infertility and decided to stop letting it run my life. After all, things were still pretty good. But I digress.
Life is good. The sun is shining. Spring is in the air and David and I will go for a walk. I will have this baby soon, perhaps not as soon as I want, but soon.
There. I feel better. May you all have a marvelous weekend!
It's been days since my last contact with the blogging world. The lights are growing dim just as assuredly as my ankles are growing bigger. I have unanticipated time on my hands with less and less desire to fill it productively. sigh...
Okay. For those not hanging on my every word on facebook, still no arrival of our little bambino. And no change in my condition which means a scheduled hospital date on Monday the 20th to get this party started. Wednesdsay's appointment did bring up some interesting facts though. Or really one. That being that my real due date was February 13th. Yep, that was last Monday. I'm glad I heard about this untold change on Wednesday though since ignorance is bliss.
Thursday however. Thursday was THE day. THE day that despite all the "no change" and being told that Monday was what we were shooting for... well... the spirit was willing but the emotional flesh was weak. Thursday came and the longer we were into the day the madder I got! I ended up at a dear friends house with 2 containers of ice cream, chips, dip, crackers, and if I had been a drinker I would have had two bottles of wine just for me. I have no idea if I like wine, but it would have been the drama that counted. Fortunately good conversation, a lot of laughter and Jim Gaffigan helped put things back into perspective.
Friday brought on evening primrose oil, acupressure points, walking the world, and a few other things to help get this party started naturally. To no avail. But at least it beat sitting around being irritated.
So Saturday. Today. The day that I really didn't think I would be facing. As in the day that speaks of grocery store runs, errands, house cleaning... it was never in my plan. My plan stopped on Thursday. I had no intention of having to deal with Saturday. All I want to do is eat the rest of the ice cream and watch something brainless on TV. This day I was not prepared to face.
However, lest things seem too doomy and gloomy, they really aren't. I complain because I can. Because I'm fragile and shouting the unfairness of it all when really it hasn't been that bad. In fact, the only thing that I can really complain about is not being able to put on my shoes without having David compress my feet so that I can actually get them on. Other than that, blood pressure is grand, I can still go to work and move quite well, I sleep okay, I don't have to be on bedrest, I can still scout out things at the DI and play around. Really, not much to complain about is there. In fact there are times when people out there probably hate me because I'm doing so well. And that's okay. There was quite a period in my life when I hated everyone who even got pregnant at all simply because I couldn't. Not a real hate, just a jealousy thing. Fortunately that stopped a few years ago as I came to terms with infertility and decided to stop letting it run my life. After all, things were still pretty good. But I digress.
Life is good. The sun is shining. Spring is in the air and David and I will go for a walk. I will have this baby soon, perhaps not as soon as I want, but soon.
There. I feel better. May you all have a marvelous weekend!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Uuuggghhhh.
Notice there was no re-cap of photos from last week? That's because all I could think to take pictures of were things like stuffed sausages (which would represent my legs, feet, ankles-that-used-to-be, and toes), pregnant cows (the kind that are so very pregnant you wonder how they are still standing) because I can totally identify with those poor creatures, and empty dishes (because that would represent my brain most of the time). So. I didn't. I'm sure you get the picture though.
Some thoughts.
I am now coming to a true understanding of "I'll do anything to get this kid out of me". I had some vague idea of it before, but now... well. Now. I'm considering taking up jogging... like tonight as the snow comes down and the lights fail to shine on my path. Maybe a little kickboxing? Perhaps using jalapenos as after dinner mints.
I went to the doctor today. No change. Rescheduled for next week. I honestly have to wonder why. I have had several of these "no change" appointments. What happens if there is a change? Does he just tell me "well look at that, there's been a change. Since you're not in labour go home and I'll see you next week." Which leads me to think "Why am I going through this kind of torture? The answer will always be 'no change' until there's definitely change. So why not just wait till the water breaks or those contractions keep on contracting, which are both definite change? If that's the change I'm looking for then I really don't need a doctor to tell me when it's not changing right? Am I right?" I'm probably not right. But it feels good to put it out there anyways. Maybe it will tempt the fates.
Speaking of tempting the fates. In light of recent "no change" status I went ahead and scheduled work meetings right up until the day I'm due and even thought about scheduling some on the day I am due. If that doesn't tempt things I just don't know what will!
I kind of want to take all my measurements right now just so by this time next year I can say "Wow! look how much weight I've lost! And look how many inches I have taken off of my ankles! My sandals fit so beautifully!" And then I'll treat myself to a pedicure... and gelato.
Never fear dear friends, all is not lost though. I may still be carrying this little guy kicking and screaming (he's kicking, I'm screaming) but I have been busy. Never has my pocket book seen so many transactions at the D.I. Shelving has taken on a new life. Paint spatters are on the back porch. Things are indeed hanging on my walls. Yes. The crafty part of me seems to have taken over. I wish I could direct it a little more though since that quilt I started a year and a half ago is still waiting that final strip of fabric and the scarf that would probably be finished in an hour, tops, is still sitting on the shelf.
Here's to life my friends! Glad to have it, mostly glad to carry it! And looking forward to getting out of it! Ha ha! May your week be fruitful... or at least filled with chocolate.
Some thoughts.
I am now coming to a true understanding of "I'll do anything to get this kid out of me". I had some vague idea of it before, but now... well. Now. I'm considering taking up jogging... like tonight as the snow comes down and the lights fail to shine on my path. Maybe a little kickboxing? Perhaps using jalapenos as after dinner mints.
I went to the doctor today. No change. Rescheduled for next week. I honestly have to wonder why. I have had several of these "no change" appointments. What happens if there is a change? Does he just tell me "well look at that, there's been a change. Since you're not in labour go home and I'll see you next week." Which leads me to think "Why am I going through this kind of torture? The answer will always be 'no change' until there's definitely change. So why not just wait till the water breaks or those contractions keep on contracting, which are both definite change? If that's the change I'm looking for then I really don't need a doctor to tell me when it's not changing right? Am I right?" I'm probably not right. But it feels good to put it out there anyways. Maybe it will tempt the fates.
Speaking of tempting the fates. In light of recent "no change" status I went ahead and scheduled work meetings right up until the day I'm due and even thought about scheduling some on the day I am due. If that doesn't tempt things I just don't know what will!
I kind of want to take all my measurements right now just so by this time next year I can say "Wow! look how much weight I've lost! And look how many inches I have taken off of my ankles! My sandals fit so beautifully!" And then I'll treat myself to a pedicure... and gelato.
Never fear dear friends, all is not lost though. I may still be carrying this little guy kicking and screaming (he's kicking, I'm screaming) but I have been busy. Never has my pocket book seen so many transactions at the D.I. Shelving has taken on a new life. Paint spatters are on the back porch. Things are indeed hanging on my walls. Yes. The crafty part of me seems to have taken over. I wish I could direct it a little more though since that quilt I started a year and a half ago is still waiting that final strip of fabric and the scarf that would probably be finished in an hour, tops, is still sitting on the shelf.
Here's to life my friends! Glad to have it, mostly glad to carry it! And looking forward to getting out of it! Ha ha! May your week be fruitful... or at least filled with chocolate.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Life interrupted...
I went to Costa Vida today for lunch. I had left over "birthday money" just dying to be spent on something that wouldn't last. And my sweet pork salad did not last that long, but it was oh so tasty. Anyway, not the point.
I was in line right behind a couple. They were probably in their late 40s early 50s or so. The husband was a rather large man and his T-shirt said "Old Men Rock". He had a headset on that was attached to his phone. He was talking rather loudly to someone explaining something or other. Not a big deal but it did draw my attention. It took him a long time to order because he was still talking to the other party, so the line was held up a bit. Still no big deal, I was in no hurry. I eventually got my salad and sat down to enjoy its goodness and reflect on life a bit.
Well, turns out that the couple sat at the table just across from me. The husband was still talking rather loudly on the phone. Since I like to people watch, I did just that. And since I was in no hurry, I took my time. He was on the phone the entire meal. I finished my salad and he was still talking. It still wouldn't have been a big deal, but I'm pretty sure that his wife was a bit annoyed. And as I thought about it I realized that I hadn't heard a single word from her the entire time. I wanted to reach out to her and say "aren't you glad you took the time to have lunch with your husband!" since she was clearly being neglected. She sat in silence and ate her meal with only a small resentful glance now and then towards her dearly beloved. A glance that seemed to say she didn't enjoy it but was not surprised that it was happening. She then cleaned up the table and put a lid on his meal so he could take it home as he was still talking. I had long ago realized that this phone call wasn't a business deal or something hugely important that couldn't be delayed by 15 minutes or so to enjoy lunch with his wife. They eventually got up and went out the door, him still talking.
It got me thinking about how "connected" we can become. And it got me thinking about how being so "connected" can really get in the way of the most important connections of all. Husband, wife, children, friends, relatives, God. There are so many gadgets available to make sure that we don't miss any new bit of information that we almost lose the ability to prioritize and filter things out of our lives. The things that are of no worth. The things that interrupt the very real and tangible connecting factors in our lives for a bit of information on the web. The things that are so convenient and easy to use that a lunch together turned into a husband talking on the phone while the wife sat in silence.
Being one of the few non-IPhone, smart phone, etc. owners, I have become increasingly aware how much it interrupts life. Not because I don't have one, but because everyone else does. I am constantly amazed at how much "information" is being looked up in the middle of a conversation. At the dinner table. During a movie. During a date. During church, work, school, you name it. Information is available at the tips of our fingers 24/7.
While there is value to having such information close at hand, does that mean that every question must be instantly answered whether it is important or not? Will the world stop spinning if the answer to "who was that guy in that one Kevin Bacon movie" isn't immediately found? Is it possible to wait till at least the main entree is eaten before diving in to find such important and useful information? Besides that fact that nothing says "I love you" like "what was it your were saying dear, I was looking up the latest election results? Oh hold that thought, New Hampshire has just begun."
My husband sometimes asks me if I feel "left out" because I don't have an IPhone. Occasionally I wonder if I really am missing out on something. And then I look around on the bus, in the halls of campus, in my own living room at times, and see the masses of people walking/sitting around all involved with their phones, ear buds in place and eyes on their screens. Masses of people crammed together and not talking to each other. Nope, I don't feel left out at all.
Besides. I have a computer that I sit at all day that does all of that and more! And it has a bigger screen so I don't have to squint. And it has the coolest programs on it. Especially the new version of Photoshop and... "what was that dear? ....but I'm blogging.... well hold a towel on it and try not to get blood on my carpet. I'll be up as soon as I finish this post."
It's not the technology that's bad my friends, it's when and how you choose to use it.
I was in line right behind a couple. They were probably in their late 40s early 50s or so. The husband was a rather large man and his T-shirt said "Old Men Rock". He had a headset on that was attached to his phone. He was talking rather loudly to someone explaining something or other. Not a big deal but it did draw my attention. It took him a long time to order because he was still talking to the other party, so the line was held up a bit. Still no big deal, I was in no hurry. I eventually got my salad and sat down to enjoy its goodness and reflect on life a bit.
Well, turns out that the couple sat at the table just across from me. The husband was still talking rather loudly on the phone. Since I like to people watch, I did just that. And since I was in no hurry, I took my time. He was on the phone the entire meal. I finished my salad and he was still talking. It still wouldn't have been a big deal, but I'm pretty sure that his wife was a bit annoyed. And as I thought about it I realized that I hadn't heard a single word from her the entire time. I wanted to reach out to her and say "aren't you glad you took the time to have lunch with your husband!" since she was clearly being neglected. She sat in silence and ate her meal with only a small resentful glance now and then towards her dearly beloved. A glance that seemed to say she didn't enjoy it but was not surprised that it was happening. She then cleaned up the table and put a lid on his meal so he could take it home as he was still talking. I had long ago realized that this phone call wasn't a business deal or something hugely important that couldn't be delayed by 15 minutes or so to enjoy lunch with his wife. They eventually got up and went out the door, him still talking.
It got me thinking about how "connected" we can become. And it got me thinking about how being so "connected" can really get in the way of the most important connections of all. Husband, wife, children, friends, relatives, God. There are so many gadgets available to make sure that we don't miss any new bit of information that we almost lose the ability to prioritize and filter things out of our lives. The things that are of no worth. The things that interrupt the very real and tangible connecting factors in our lives for a bit of information on the web. The things that are so convenient and easy to use that a lunch together turned into a husband talking on the phone while the wife sat in silence.
Being one of the few non-IPhone, smart phone, etc. owners, I have become increasingly aware how much it interrupts life. Not because I don't have one, but because everyone else does. I am constantly amazed at how much "information" is being looked up in the middle of a conversation. At the dinner table. During a movie. During a date. During church, work, school, you name it. Information is available at the tips of our fingers 24/7.
While there is value to having such information close at hand, does that mean that every question must be instantly answered whether it is important or not? Will the world stop spinning if the answer to "who was that guy in that one Kevin Bacon movie" isn't immediately found? Is it possible to wait till at least the main entree is eaten before diving in to find such important and useful information? Besides that fact that nothing says "I love you" like "what was it your were saying dear, I was looking up the latest election results? Oh hold that thought, New Hampshire has just begun."
My husband sometimes asks me if I feel "left out" because I don't have an IPhone. Occasionally I wonder if I really am missing out on something. And then I look around on the bus, in the halls of campus, in my own living room at times, and see the masses of people walking/sitting around all involved with their phones, ear buds in place and eyes on their screens. Masses of people crammed together and not talking to each other. Nope, I don't feel left out at all.
Besides. I have a computer that I sit at all day that does all of that and more! And it has a bigger screen so I don't have to squint. And it has the coolest programs on it. Especially the new version of Photoshop and... "what was that dear? ....but I'm blogging.... well hold a towel on it and try not to get blood on my carpet. I'll be up as soon as I finish this post."
It's not the technology that's bad my friends, it's when and how you choose to use it.
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