Change the Third

Today on my way home from the gymn, I saw a group of teenage boys crossing the street by Willow Park.  I took one look and thought "Egads! They still exist!"  Yep, the Skater crowd.

I don't know if that's what they are still called, but they have all the tell-tale signs that made them the Skater crowd when I was in High School.  In fact, I could probably pull out my yearbook and show them their look-a-likes and either really freak them out or confirm their coolness.  The all black clothes scattered with jeans with holes, the skateboards (of course) and let's not forget the attitude.  It was evident in the way they saw me coming in my car, looked me in the eye, and the continued to slowly make their way across the road.  I slowed down so as to give them plenty of time and still had to wonder if they were going to make me stop completely or go around their little group.  It was as if I didn't exist in their world, and in reality I don't. 

And then I got to thinking.  Sometimes that's a very dangerous thing, it can get you worried about your future and the future of your kids.  And then it hit me.  It hit me hard.  I live in Logan Utah!  I have no idea what high school is like here!  I grew up in small town USA where everyone knew everyone so as a teenager I couldn't get into too much trouble without my parents knowledge because everyone knew who my parents were and apparently their phone number as well.

In the world inside my head, my children would go to school and do some of the same things that I did.  Music, drama, failed attempts at drill team and sports in general.  And I would know how to handle it because I had "been there done that".  I would encourage them in whatever course they chose but it's only natural to have my own favorites.  And in that silly stupid head of mine I honestly pictured my children on stage in the Grace Performing Arts auditorium.  Safe.  Secure. 

But today I saw this faction of people that I have not seen in years, literally!  Why?  Because I have been in the working world of a full-time day job at a college with it's very own brand of stupidity.  I run errands in the evening and on weekends.  I forgot that there's a whole culture that exists outside of my little world.  A culture of kids who want to corrupt my children!

Now, for the record, I really have no idea who these kids were that I saw crossing the street.  I just knew who the kids were in my high school.  And I knew exactly what they were up to because I myself spent a brief time in their midst.  I refer to it as my "dark year".  It would have worked too but I didn't have any black sandals and my white ones just didn't look quite right with the black pants and black sleeveless T and black scrunchy.  (It's all about the details you know, I was even in brief possession of a skull ring.)  I know there's more than meets the eye both good and bad.  I also know that if I hadn't been taught the right things by parents, well let's just say my story would have turned out quite a bit different.

So, what is this Change the Third that I am making?  Well, I'm changing my mindset.  Stop living in the past as if my own stupidity is going to come back to haunt me in the form of my children dragging Main street in Soda Springs at 3 am.  Start looking around at the place that I live.  I live.  Here. Logan.  The town that I really do love with neighbors that I really do love.  This is progression.  I live here and my parents don't.  I am experiencing things that my parents never did.  Perhaps it took me so long to get this seemingly obvious epiphany because some of my high school teachers taught my parents and some of my high school literature books had their names in them as well.  But I don't live there do I.  I have a new life with new experiences that really are completely different from my parents.  And I am just fine with that.

On a side note though.  I still want you all to be able to recognize my children at a glance so you can report when they are doing something so incredibly stupid, or wrecking the car, or thing they are going out with some lame-o that just happens to be in the art class you teach... a well placed friendly phone call would be appreciated.  So for your benefit and mine, I have taken the liberty of digitally age-progressing my un-born and as yet un-conceived children so you know who you are looking for.

You're welcome.

I feel more better

That's right, more better.  I know the rules and exactly how to break them.

The last two weeks really haven't been all that great.  They have been filled with a lot of angst.  Angst over work, angst over babies, angst over what to do at home. So many changes all at once.  But today, like Monday, I'm feeling better.

It was actually so bad at one point that I was contemplating giving up on the whole "start our own family" thing.  In fact I just wanted to be branded with the "Aunt Clarice" brand and call it a day.  Bring on the nieces and nephews and the spoiling of other people's children.  (For those of you who don't know, my Aunt Clarice, or rather my Great Aunt Clarice on my mother's side was childless also.  She was an excellent cook, had an immaculate house, and always made the children feel like a million bucks.)  I was ready to quit.  To pursue photography and the paying off of student loans.  To be content with what I have and deal with what I don't have.  "Blessings be d*mned!" thought I. I have run my race and I am done!  I felt like an old plow horse with nothing left but slow and steady.

I feel differently today.  I think that I actually had to admit it out loud.  To actually speak the words: "I don't  want children anymore" to my husband, to my mom.  Dirty diapers and potty training... not for me.  I had to say out loud what had been haunting me.  I accepted and embraced the worst.  Isn't that really it... going the complete opposite of what you have been working towards for so long.  Accepting that no matter how hard you wanted something, no matter how hard you have tried that it just might not happen for you, and then turning and embracing that alternate reality.

Even as I said the words out loud they kind of scared me.  I said it again to David.  "I don't want children."  I said it again to myself.  "I don't want children." And then I felt in my insides, that place in the pit of my stomach that guides me in those intangible decisions that we all have to make... that place inside myself responded back with "Perhaps you are wrong.  Perhaps there really is still reason to hope." 

I feel better.  Better than before.  If David and I really aren't going to be able to have children, then so be it. It's not the end of the world and I have a great example from my family to guide me.  But I also really don't want to give up yet.  We are not at the end of our rope just yet.

So today I celebrate.  Today I have things to look forward to.  Like book club, and lunch on the deck if this weather would relent and let such a thing happen.  Seeing my husband at lunch.  Photographing the transition into Spring.  Friends, family, and good good times.  There are many silver linings in this life of mine.  Though I can make no guarantees, I'm going to do my best not to forget it again.

Happy Wednesday ya'll!

Besides, who wouldn't be thrilled with these guys!  Laurelin and Nessa.  Characters all the way around.

Sunday

What a beautiful day, what an entertaining week! Here are some of things that make it lovely... in no particular order and with no particular sense.

1. It's currently 59 degrees and lovely.


2. We have a pet spider named Howard. We keep him around to eat the hobos. He lives in his own room.

3. We have a lot of hobos.. a lot. They turn up on the spider traps though and that makes me happy that they are doing their job.

4. I just ate 5 large chocolate chocolate chip cookies and I want to throw up.

5. That was a lot of sugar.

6. I just beat David at Settler's of Catan... a game I formerly hated but can actually stand if I'm winning.

7. Who knew?!

8. Really I knew, but don't tell David. I can handle games better if I win.

9. I don't like teaching Sunbeams. I substitute taught today.  Really I was last minute moral support.

10. Does that mean I would be a bad mom?

11. Does it really matter?

12. David is reading this over my shoulder and eating a lemon drop.

13. His breath now smells like medicine.

14. He says "At least it doesn't smell like chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough"

15. Since when does medicine smell better that chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough?

16. Unless it's like Flinstones vitamins. I used to love those.

17. I want to take a photography class. Anyone know of one in Logan not at the University?

18. We have a new camera, we named it Harley.

19. Our rather large television died last week.

20. We've replaced it with another free tv that is... well less than. but free is good.

21. It's silver.

22. It's smaller.

23. It's better than the laptop hooked up to the dvd player.

24.  David had to talk in church today.

25.  Since I lead the music we sat on the stand together.

26.  This is nothing new since he's good and sits on the stand with me anyways.

27.  But it was better because he had to stand up this time.

28.  And I like the view.

29.  We leave for vacation in 9 days.

30.  I love vacations with David.

Here's wishing you all a lovely week.

Will I Wear Make-up?

For some time now I've been pondering how my life will be different when we do get our child.  I have this vision of baby stuff everywhere, late nights, early mornings... but it's really quite vague.

I've spent a lot of time in the work force now and the change will surely throw me into a tailspin.  Will I keep up some of the good habits I've developed or will I be too exhausted to even try?  Will I shower every day?  Will my living room ever be presentable for company again?  Will I wear make-up anymore?  Or will I buy a pair of purple rimmed glasses to throw on when unexpected company stops by so they'll be so distracted by the vibrant purple color that they'll never notice that I either haven't put any make-up on or that I've been too tired to wash the old layer off and it's now 3:30 in the afternoon of the third day... sigh.

So many unanswered questions.  Fortunately none of that scares me.  I very much want to give the role Stay At Home Mom a try.  Along with questions of personal hygiene I wonder how adventurous we will be with our new addition.  Since babies come with a lot of stuff will it cut down on our desires to travel or will it just be a matter of strapping the extra stuff to the top of the car? 

We currently have a vacation/anniversary trip planned for the first week of September.  We are driving to New Mexico and staying at a condo there.  (I know, who vacations to New Mexico??  Apparenlty we do.)  We plan to stay at a ski resort (minus the winter weather) and hike a few trails, try new foods and just enjoy each other's company.  So what happens if we are chosen as parents before then?  I like to think that we'll still go.  That we'll be brave enough (or is that stupid enough?) to go ahead as planned with little one in tow.  But honestly I have no idea.  And I suppose that I won't have any idea until faced with the situation. 

So, just throwin' this out to you dear readers.  What changes did your first child bring into your life besides the obvious no sleep?  Anything from left field?  Trials?  Joys?  Feel free to leave a comment.  Even if you haven't commented before, I'd love to hear.

New Year Thoughts

The missionaries came over for dinner tonight. Mostly because David forgot to find people from the ward to have them over dinner, but truthfully I didn't mind one bit. It's been a long time since we've had them over and it was a nice chance to sit and remember my own mission. I won't bore you with the details since it's only really interesting to me, but I'm sure getting a replica of my head in the mail (pinata style of course) was also interesting for Sister Pratley. If she had any doubts about the sanity of me and my family up to that point it was solidified that day.

Anyway, back to the here and now, it was nice having them in our home. It has prompted me to reflect on my life right now. And since it is a time for "new beginnings" then why not! In one of my meetings a spiritual thought was given and I wrote it down. "If you are not as close to the Lord as you used to be, who moved?"

I've been thinking about that statement. I remember well the mission days when 2 hours of gospel study was the norm. Praying always was a way of life. I knew that coming home would introduce new challenges, and there really was no way that I would have realistically expected 2 hours of gospel study to continue being the norm. However, I also didn't think I would be as casual as I sometimes am when it comes to gospel study either.

I don't write this to make myself or anyone else feel guilt or remorse, but simply to take a good look. Is this where I want to be? Am I comfortable with my level of faith in God? Do I really trust him? Do I really know him? The theme for Primary this year is "I Know My Savior Lives". The instruction to Primary presidencies is as follows:

Through the witness of the Holy Ghost, the children will learn that because of the central role of Jesus Christ in our Heavenly Father's plan, they can have faith in Him. The children will also learn that their faith will grow stronger as they keep the commandments, serve, share the gospel, follow the example of the Savior, and prepare for His Second Coming.

It's the simple truths that are taught in Primary and yet I feel so inadequate. It's a good thing that this is the Lord's work and not mine. Can you just imagine the mess I would make! Sheesh!

So that is my pondering for the coming year. Sure I could make resolutions to lose weight, take up painting, go sky-diving, and any other number of things, but who's kidding who? I'm going to be lucky to make it out of this year alive! What I really want is to be closer to God so I can enjoy life more even when things don't turn out according to plan. I want peace of mind. Really that can only come one way. And with God, that might not be too much to ask for.

May the New Year bring all that you hope for and if it doesn't, at least keep a smile on your face.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be of Good Cheer

"Be of good cheer and accept what comes your way."

This was given in a talk today at church. It was a blessing given by President Monson, then a counselor in the first presidency, to a the sister of one of the women in my ward. She had cancer. She passed away, not sure how long after, but she had peace in her heart. How difficult is it to be of good cheer no matter what.

My patience and good cheer was certainly tried today. Being the Sunday after Christmas it was inevitable that people would be missing, particularly primary teachers. Substitutes were hunted but not too many were to be found. In fact, I ended up teaching the entire Junior primary with my husband because there were some no-shows. Armed with a lesson manual, plenty of pictures, papers and crayons, David and I braved the 11 children ages 4-6 with faith in our hearts and purpose in our eyes. I'm still not entirely sure what happened but in about 4 minutes time I felt completely out of control. Perhaps it was my extended late nights accumulating in severe sleep deprivation (and we want kids!) but I think if I would have had duct tape there would have been at least two either taped securely to their seats or with a goodly portion of the stuff across their mouths. Thank heavens for David who was able to keep a calm head about him. He told stories and helped move things along in a more spiritual direction. I on the other hand was frazzled. Nothing but frazzled. I wanted to come home and cry.

Be of good cheer and accept what comes your way no matter what. Apparently I need a little more work in that direction... cheerfulness and all. I am willing to try though. Might make a good new years resolution.

The Leap

Well, we've decided to take the next step in the child-getting process. That's right, we're filling out the adoption papers. I've had this inner debate on whether or not I would make this all public or not. But then I remembered that my life is pretty much an open book so why put off the inevitable?

Last Thursday we met with LDS Family Services and got the 'scoop' on adoption. It must be a good thing because David and I both had to hold back tears. I would say that there was something stuck in my eye, but how weird is that that it would effect both of us?! So I'll fess up. It really got to me. Not in a sad way, but it an oh-so-special way. So much of that way that we could hardly wait to come home and start filling out the papers and online profile.

Our case-worker said it usually takes about 4 months to get approved. My initial thoughts were "wanna bet? I'll see your 4 months and do it in 2 tops!" Then we started on the paperwork. It really is pretty intensive. Sure you have to get birth certificates, marriage documents, criminal background checks, but that's almost the easy part. There is a huge on-line section that has all sorts of in-depth questions that have to be answered. It's one thing if you are just putting in quick answers that 'will do' but quite another when you realize that someone will be making judgements on whether or not they give their child to you based on your answers. No pressure right. But it's definitely becoming quite the experience.

It's gotten me to think alot about family relationships and even our own personalities. How we interact with each other, how we get along with our own brothers and sisters. It's a lot to think about. Makes it difficult to know what to say.

But long story short, that is where we are at. I still say 4 months is a long time, and let's face it, school starts up again in August and I won't see my husband till December for all intents and purposes. Gotta get it done now!

The Pursuit of Happiness

So not so recently I watched the "Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith. I've always been a fan, even in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire stage which certainly wasn't the highlight of his career but I got a kick out of it. I quite enjoyed his humor in "Independence Day" and have been delighted to see him take on some more serious roles. But, a tribute to Will Smith is not why I am writing today. I'm thinking about the pursuit.

At the end of the afore mentioned movie, Will's character attained his dreams which we all rejoiced in as an audience. However, I felt stressed and anxious through the entire thing. I kept on thinking "when is this guy gonna get a break!" After all was said and done, 'happiness' achieved, I left the theatre out of breath and feeling like some serious down time was needed. Kudos to him for stickin' to his dreams, but boy oh boy I'm sure glad that I don't have to do all that. Or do I?

I just got back from the doctors office. Yes, we are starting those lovely visits again in the pursuit of our happiness... that would be a child for those of you not in the know. We took a break after my January surgery and it's time to get brave again and give it another go. I had more blood work done last week (you'll be happy to know that I didn't pass out and they only had to stick me twice! Now that's progress) and today I went in to see if it was a good idea or not to start on clomid again. Well, it's not. That little problem that my January surgery took care of seems to have come back.... all by itself, no drugs necessary. "Bob"is very persistent. I've decided to name this one George.

So now I'm sitting here contemplating life as we know it. I'm not sure what to do. It's not that I want pity or anything, I'm just trying to figure things out. I have never doubted that the Lord has had a plan for us. I know that he still does. But I can't help but wonder if that means I'll be having children in my 50's! A modern miracle for all the world to see and be glad they are not in my shoes. At our kids high school graduations I'll have my rubber tipped slip-proof walker and David will have his portable oxygen tank... we'll have to pay someone to take pictures because our eyesight will be too bad.

David and I are also meeting with LDS Family Services on Thursday to get the scoop on adoption simply because at the rate we're going it's probably best not to put all our eggs in one basket, so to speak.

As this pursuit continues I can't help but think if it is worth it. Do I really want to be pregnant? Stretch marks, heart-burn, late nights, morning sickness, baby fat, inability to tie my own shoes or shave my legs... doesn't really sound that appealing. Adoption is sounding better and better. Of course there will still be sleepless nights, dirty diapers galore, and all that comes with it, but at least my pants will still fit!

Here's keeping it optimistic! Just keep going, its just gotta be worth it in the end.