It's About...

Last Saturday I forced my husband to watch "What To Expect When You're Expecting" with me.  Good man right!  Right.

As I watched I couldn't help but relate to some of the women in the movie.  I laughed, I cried.  I spent a good deal of time caught between the two.  All those feelings came flooding back, the hope, the despair, the discouragement.  The getting pregnant at last and instead of that happy "glow" that is such a perk, hurting all over and being nauseated and big and bloated and miserable.  Ya know, normal.

But the one that got me the absolute most was the couple that adopted, Holly and Alex.  They had tried everything.  They had sunk their 401K into rounds of IVF (in vitro fertlization).  They simply could not have a child on their own.  It ate at her.  At one point in the movie she says that she feels like a failure.  It's her body that isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing.  It's her fault that they can't have a child.  She can't even do what every woman is supposed to be able to do.  Those of you who have struggled know exactly what that's like.  Exactly.

At the end they were able to adopt a child from Ethiopia.  I cried like a baby.  Cried.  I'm actually getting all emotional right now!  Nothing got me like that.  A family trying to hard to be a family but unable to do it on their own.  They needed someone else.  Someone willing to give them a child.

Adoption sometimes gets a bad name.  People get scared about baggage that may or may not be there.  Grandparents don't want to "give up" their grandchild even if their own child is still... a child.  I never quite knew what I felt about adoption until we were faced with it.  Until it became an option for hope for us.  For our family that could not be a family without someone else. 

"But Lora, you have a child of your own, what are you talking about?"  Well, you're right.  I do have a child of my own.  A miracle child.  An IVF one time shot miracle baby.  We were the lucky couple who had it work on the first try.  I'm pretty sure that's the first time that the odds have actually been in our favor.  But what about the future?  What about more children?  What about those that the odds didn't work out for?  The arms that have tried everything but cannot get rid of the feeling of emptiness.  The arms that long to hold a child.   To care for and raise a child.  To make their family complete.

Meet Brandon, Kristen, and Zachary.  

 

 Zachary was adopted and I'm not sure if it's possible for someone to love a child more.  They are absolutely amazing together.  All of them.  But, they don't feel like their family is complete yet.  They want a brother or sister for Zachary.  They want another special little person in their home, one they can't bring there themselves. A year has gone by since this picture was taken and they are still waiting, searching, hoping, and praying

 



So here's my plug for them.  You can find their adoption profile here: https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/24865357/ourMessage.jsf

You can find their blog here: http://brandonkristin.blogspot.com/

If you know of anyone anywhere that might be interested in taking a look their way for whatever reason, please pass it along.  Blessings come in several different ways.  Blessings for Brandon and Kristen, blessings for the special person who can help them be complete.

At the end of it all, it really is about Love.

One Step at a Time

Lora has hinted several times that she would be very interested to see what I would have to say about our Journey so far with trying to have children. So... here is trying to put into words what it is like for me. It may turn out to be a book, so trudge through at your own risk.

I don't think anyone ever expects to wait so long for some things in there life. I knew I didn't want to get married young and always thought it would be sometime after I turned 25. I guess be careful what you wish for because I had no idea it would take me until almost 33. Earlier on, I didn't put it off, but I didn't pursue it nearly as much as I could have. Through all of that waiting, I always knew somehow that I would find someone wonderful, and lo and behold I found her, and she was definitely worth the wait.

When we were married, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children right away either. Selfishly or not, in spite of getting married later in life (at least around these parts) I wanted to have at least a year with Lora to myself. Yet again, a wish for a little time turned into a surprisingly long wait, because here we are, 5 years and still waiting and we still don't know when children will come.

For me, it is easy to see some similarities between waiting to find the one to marry and trying to have children. I enjoyed life. I was basically pretty happy as I am tremendously so now with Lora, but I started to feel and now feel even more so the missing part of what else I want in my life: then marriage, and now children. Although I say it's a wait, really it is more a pursuit. You have to take steps and go after what you want. To get married, you have to meet people and date. For us to have children we have registered to adopt at an agency and we are also going to a fertility clinic. For each, you took the step, hoping it will turn out with what you wish, but many times you had to keep going even after there were times when the signs pointed to it being the time had finally come when it actually was not; a canceled engagement here, a you think your are pregnant there. Those close calls can be hard.

Trying to have children is also different. Even though it is much better to go through the hard times together, it seems you feel the pain for both of you. I feel much more urgent this time. A part of that is simply that the clock is ticking. How old will I be when it finally happens? When they Graduate? When they get Married and have there own kids? Will I be around long as a Grandpa? But the bigger part is that, even though I feel we are really happy now and enjoying life with just the two of us, it's just knowing that there is this other aspect to life that will be much more difficult, but oh so much more rewarding with children, and I want that.

One of the biggest frustrations is I want to go faster than we are able. Either it costs so much so we have to save for it, or it just takes so much time and energy, or life just simply gets in the way. For fertility, it was minor complications slowing the doctor down and him being cautious. Now that we are going to a good fertility clinic, I feel like we are moving a lot faster. Or it was getting signed up for adoption which is quite the involved process and it just takes a long time. Even when we decided to buy a house and we just couldn't focus on much else, adoption or doctors. Some things just take too much focus to do much else.

Adoption brings its own interesting thoughts and feelings. I'd always been open to the idea since my cousin, whose family I am very close to, was adopted. Her older sister also adopted her first son. I also have several other family and friends who have adopted. From them I knew that adopted children are not second class kids who the parents had to settle for, but are as much a part of the family as any other child, loved as much as any other; and that is how it would be with us. But I have heard and seen how adoption brings its own challenges. Adopted kids basically have both a heritage from the family they are adopted into as well as a biological heritage from their birth parents. A part of them will be from other than you. This is even more so now that adoptions are much more open and not closed like they used to be. Depending on how involved the birth parents will want to be, there will be other people in the lives of your adopted child. I've seen some where they are like extended family. That isn't bad for me, but something else to juggle and consider as you raise your child.

We've had one birth mother interested in us so far that we know of. We were told she was still considering us for a while. We never met her and she finally choose another family. It was exciting to know that we were being looked at. But when it didn't happen, it was disappointing, but maybe not as much as it could have been since we had not yet met her or felt like it was going to happen

When we first went in and talked with our case worker, we had such a good experience with how we felt about it. I think it will be an option we keep open even the fertility stops getting in the way; so for me, not so much if, but most likely when. However, much can happen, so we will have to see.

Going to the doctors has been its own adventure. You get to open up what is usually the most private process of your lives to other people. That can be hard and awkward, and much more so for Lora than me. We have been classified into the "unexplained infertility" category. From all of the tests, there is no good reason why we can't get pregnant. There is one thing going on that may be impeding things, but not necessarily. That in itself is frustrating because you really don't have any good answers. In some ways it would be easier to know why, even if it meant that the option was closed.

Even though we have been going to the doctors for months both times we pursued this, but the other frustrating thing is how far we have gone. Not very. The first time, the furthest we got was Lora taking a round of Clomid. That is as far as we got after months of monitoring and even a laparoscopy. Now that we are going to a specialist at a fertility clinic, we are at least moving. We have taken the battery of tests and got those out of the way. We are now in the the step of several rounds of IUI (artificial insemination), and if that doesn't get us there, we have a plan in place to try In vitro fertilization. It feels so much better to be doing things now and have a much more concrete plan in place.

But, depending on how things go, we are vulnerable again to things not happening. I kind of got used to another month and nothing. Now we will have a reason to hope for something during some of the months ahead and if it turns out that not that month; well, it will be difficult to be disappointed again. Still, I'd rather be doing something. You won't get anywhere doing nothing.

I know we will eventually have children of our own. I know it because I've got this feeling inside like I did that I would find someone wonderful to marry. Not having children just isn't an option. It gives me a lot of peace, which helps so much through the setbacks and dashed moments of hope and not understanding why it isn't happening until later. So, here we are. We just plug along, truly enjoying what we have now and for the most part being really happy, but desiring something so much more.

From whichever method the child arrives, I do feel one thing very strongly. Children are brought to a family by divine guidance. When we finally get there, the children will be meant for us. And we are going to be AWESOME parents too!

Adoption

I have been thinking a lot about adoption.  Thinking about the feelings I had when we decided to go through with it.  The excitement.  The hope.  The pouring of energy into another route to our own family.

It felt good to stop worrying about a dysfunctional body and put all that energy into paperwork, and pictures.  To create something that would allow someone to connect with us in a way that would save us both. 

We weren't in the ideal situation at the time.  In fact, had we had a child in the home we were living in we would have been kicked out.  Not because of people, or neighbors, or anything like that, but because of a city ordinance.  We weren't zoned properly to have a family where we were living.  We didn't care though.  We went forward with full faith that when we got our child something would work out.  The Lord would take care of us because he always has.

Now we have a home all our own.  No children yet, but a home that we won't get kicked out of.  We've painted and hung curtains.  We've done a few things with the yard and have great plans for the future.

I have a baby room.  I hung up all the little boy and little girl clothes that I've been collecting.  I couldn't do it when we first moved in.  It was too painful.  Now they hang in the closet over the car seat that we bought last February.  We wanted to be prepared.  I have a little dresser with diaper changing things, and onesies, and burp cloths.  I have toys, and soaps, and baby wipes.  When I open the drawer it smells like baby.

Sometimes I have a hard time going into that room.  Sometimes I shut the door completely.

I don't know why David and I have had to go through this.  I don't know why we are still going through this.  But just like everything else in our lives, we know there is a plan.  There is a God in the heavens and he is our Father.  He does love us.  He does care for us.  And he knows what we need to learn and how we need to learn it.  And he knows how to bless us.  And he has blessed us.

Through the longing and the loneliness, we know there is a plan.  And that's what helps us make it through.  It's what helps us look for the silver linings to our seeming rain clouds.

Confession Time

So here's where I need your support.  Here is were I tell you my woes and no matter how non-sensical they are, like the wonderful people you are, you come to my aid and say:  It's okay Lora, it will be alright.

For some time now my good friend and past roommate Brenda has been asking about our story.  The story that led us to want to adopt. I've put it off because it just didn't seem like there was much to tell.  So many people have gone through so much more than we that it just didn't feel worthy. We hadn't exhausted our resources in the medical field because we just didn't think it was the right time for us.  Or more accurately, I honestly don't think I could have handled it emotionally.

When we started trying for children a whole 5 months after we got married back in September of 2005, we weren't that serious.  We didn't want to wait too long because we weren't getting any younger.  But we weren't entirely sure we were ready for parenthood either.  We were conflicted.  I needed to finish my schooling and David was contemplating going back to school.  We didn't really have our path decided on.  We just weren't sure where we were headed in the next little while.  So though we didn't stop anything, we didn't worry too much as the months kept passing by.

And then the months kept passing by... and passing... and passing.  I had graduated, got a job.  David was back in school.  We were older.  We wanted children.  Sure it wasn't the ideal time with tuition on the horizon, but we didn't care about that.  We knew that the Lord would provide should He decide to bless us with a little one.  So we started counting days, making use of ovulation kits, paying attention to temperature etc.  Nothing.  Next step was the doctor.

End of 2007 we went to a doctor that we both hated.  Took blood tests and couldn't quite bring myself to go back.  Got busy with life and left it for awhile.  In 2008 the passing months got too much again.  So we went to the Women's Center to a recommended doctor and had a better experience.  He actually explained a few things, like what the tests were for and how it all worked.  We did the tests, got the blood drawn, went through lovely exploratory procedures to rule out the usual suspects, and went on Clomid.  What a lovely little drug so full of disappointment.  Fortunately one of my other good friends, Ginny, informed me that the drug actually gives you all the signs of being pregnant.  Hot flashes, brain leakage, mood swings, the works.  Which is why it's so disappointing to have that monthly unwanted visitor still come and visit.  And visit it did.

Back to the doctor.  "Oh my, you have a cyst!  I don't feel comfortable putting you on other drugs until the cyst is taken care of."  Ummm. okay?  "Let's wait a month and see if it goes away all by itself.  Besides we don't know if it was there before the drug or if the drug actually caused it."  Ummmm. Okay.  So we waited until that lovely visitor came around once again, back to the doctor, cyst still there.  "How about we wait another month?"  Ummm, not so okay but okay.  Another month rolls by with same results.  At least they are prepared somewhat for my tears of frustration by this time.

Only frustration doesn't really sum it up.  How about living day to day knowing how badly you and your spouse want a family and realizing that it's your body that is failing.  Your body that is providing this monthly let down.  And still more months go by.  Finally surgery is the option of choice to take this cyst away since it's clearly in for the long haul.  Oh and did I mention that in the meantime I got to be on another lovely drug that was supposed to balance some kind of hormone level with the thrilling side effect of depression?  Yeah, those were good times.

Surgery successful.  The surgery to remove "Bob" (yes, by this time the hated thing had a name) did the job and he was gone.  More drugs?  Not yet, let's give the body time to sufficiently heal.

I took myself off of the drug with the depression side effects and David rejoiced that he has his wife back and she smiles!  Voluntarily!  He was overjoyed. 

A few more months pass and back to the doctor we go. And guess what?!  Wait for it, wait for it... Bob had a brother!  Took up residence once he left.  Tears.  Another month passes and the brother-of-Bob stays.  That's when I couldn't take it anymore.  At this point my doctor is giving me that "oh, it's you again" look.  Very encouraging.  Like I wasn't feeling bad enough already.  So I quit. I took myself out of the biological baby-making game and threw myself into adoption.

We had been thinking about it for awhile but had never felt it was the right time.  July of 2009 we felt like it was the right time as well as the only option that would keep me sane.  It was wonderful to be doing something that didn't involve my dysfunctional body!  This was paperwork, and pictures, and interviews.  It was heavenly and hopeful.  Our hearts were lifted and hope for a family returned.  We cried as birth mothers told their stories.  We cried as adoptive parents shared their joy at a prayer answered by a birth mother angel.  I day dreamed about the day we would be chosen.  How we would tell our families.  What we needed to prepare for it.  What our little one would look like.  I still think about it, just not as much.

When we started the adoption process David wanted to keep both doors open, adoption and biological, and I was amenable to that as long as it was on my terms.  I have trouble dividing where my energies and hopes go.  My body had disappointed me for so long that I couldn't put any trust in it anymore... at least not till now.

On Memorial day at the annual Robbin's family celebratory grave hopping ritual, we were bombarded out of the blue with stories of IVF and what it entailed.  Ok, bombarded might be extreme, but two very separate and hard to run into people were run into and brought up their story all by themselves.  It got us thinking.  It got me thinking.  Perhaps it's time to open up that biological door and let in a little air.

So we've decided to go travel the biological route again.  Or at least look a little farther down that road.  Best part is that I'm also feeling okay with both doors being opened.  I don't care where our family comes from, I just want a family.  I want to join the ranks of sleepless nights and diaper brigades. I want to capture those half smiles in the sleep and the discovery of toes.  Our family is just a couple.  It's not complete.

So, on Monday July 19th we will be meeting with a specialist in the Salt Lake area.  He's been involved in the field since the first IVF pregnancy was done in the 80s and was actually at the hospital where it was performed.  It gives me hope.  We hadn't thought much about this route before because it's just so expensive.  However we just found out that David's insurance, that sometimes we curse, is actually phenomenal when it comes to fertility.  We pay $500 and they pay 100% of the rest.  We seriously had no idea.  So at this point we have nothing to lose.  Hope is alive once more.

Then I filled out the online questionnaire and had a bit of a reality check.  It asks all sorts of questions about how old your mom was with the first and last child.  Is there a history of infertility in the family?  Do my sisters have trouble getting pregnant?  Any weird drugs?  Any health problems?  I can't tell you how completely discouraging it was to answer no to all of those questions!  No, there are no problems with any other member of my family for generations with infertility.  I am the anomaly.  I am the exception.  What's wrong with me?

I have two purposes for this route.  Well, I guess it's all the same.  Can I have children or can't I?  Up to this point it has not been clearly defined.  No one knows why my body is misbehaving.  No one's been willing to take it that far.  Heaven knows I am but I need some help getting there. I need a professional to outline my routine so all of the diagnostic steps can be taken and an answer achieved.

I honestly am okay with finding out I can't have children.  I just want to know.  It's the not knowing that is so difficult.  No answers.  Just guesses.  Dark alleys of wondering.  If I know why this is happening to me, or rather not happening, then I really can go on.  No more divided loyalties.

So, there you have it Brenda and all who have ventured this far into an incredibly long post.  That's where our story is right now.  Here's where we venture into that one dark and unexplored alley to see what's really there.  And here's to hoping for a happy ending.

What Every Child Must Know, Part 1

As many of you know, we are looking to adopt.  Since there's little that can be said on our adoption profile, part of this blog is to help those who may be interested in us, get to know David and I better.  So I think it would be kind of fun to do a series of "What Every Child Must Know" and will hopefully be exposed to in our home. 

Both David and myself are lovers of movies.  All kinds of movies.  Seriously, if you saw our Netflix cue you would understand.  We have everything from the latest and greatest action flicks to documentaries, to old black and whites, to Disney classics and beyond.  Science fiction and Westerns both find a place of appreciation in our home.

It must also be said that while all movies have some merit, they are certainly not created equal.  And while there are plenty of opportunities to see new movies, not everyone has equal exposure to some of the oldies but goodies. So, in no certain order these are the movies that influenced my childhood and adulthood for that matter and I hope to be able to share with our kids someday.

1.  The Big Country 1958 starring Gregory Peck and Jean Simmons.  Set it Texas it's a look at pride, humility, blood, and what it means to be a real man.  Love it.

2.  The Natural  1984 starring Robert Redford and  Kim Basinger.  It's a baseball movie and there's just something about it.. perhaps the Robert Redfordness that I just like.

3.  True Grit  1969 starring John Wayne.  There are actually a plethora of John Wayne movies that would make it on the list.  It also has Robert Duvall in it calling John Wayne a one-eyed fat man.

4.   North to Alaska 1960 also a John Wayne but in the more humorous vein.  Hilarious! Gold rush and jealousy mixed with double crossing villians and love. 

5.  It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World 1963 An all star comedy cast that drives you mad while searching for fortune under a "big W".   "I'm comin to save you mama, that's the reason you had me... to save you!" (said while flying down the road in a convertible and swimming trunks) It'll drive you crazy until you go mad yourself, then you'll love it!

6. The Sting 1973  again with Robert Redford but adding Paul Newman doesn't hurt.  A couple of con artists pulling a bit con in the name of revenge.  Classic.

7.  The Great Race  1965  This one is just so full of greatness you have to see it for yourself.  Tony Curtis, Jack Lemon, Natalie Wood.  "The Great Leslie ran off with a chicken?!" High quality programming, right there.

It's kind of an odd list and there are more floating around in my head.  Lots of them just remind me of my childhood.  There was something to be said for a great story that can be told without special effects.  Don't get me wrong, love the effects, but sometimes there's just no substitute for a storyline.  And for the record I would add a hefty amount of Doris Day movies in as well.  Oh, and Audrey Hepburn. And Maurine O'Hara, and Katherine Hepburn.  And don't forget... well you get the idea.

What dreams...

I had a dream last night.  One of those very real feeling ones that leave you with a bit of longing.  I dreamed that David and I were at a fairly nice restaurant having dinner.  People were milling about and another couple came up and said hello to us.  We responded in kind and then I put my hand down on my belly and there was a distinct baby bump.  Not huge, just beginning.  In the dream I knew then that I really was pregnant.  I just couldn't help pressing down on that part of my belly that didn't give like it does now.  For a brief dream moment I think I may have some understanding of why some pregnant women are always touching their bellies.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions because it was just a dream.  I hope it doesn't make anyone feel weird or awkward to read about this either.  The dream was actually kind of sweet.  I didn't wake up thinking "Oh the cruelty of it all!!" and shake my fist at the heavens.  I didn't feel downhearted, I just wanted closed my eyes for a little bit longer to enjoy the moment even it if wasn't real.  I sometimes think that the Lord gives me dreams sometimes so that I can experience a small bit of something that I may not actually get to fully experience in this life.  A kind of tender mercy in itself.

Then I thought of our birth mom, whoever she might be.  I wonder what kind of things she is going through right now.  I have a friend who recently placed her baby with a couple on the east coast.  She hid her whole pregnancy very well.  It was unexpected and the father didn't want anything to do with the baby.  Unfortunately they were forced to sit in meetings together and plan activities.  My heart went out to her then and it still goes out to her now.  Before she placed her baby she felt the child she carried had ruined her life.  She wanted nothing to do with in either. 

She had a close friend who helped her through the LDS Family Services process and basically made a lot of the decisions for her since she was so angry about the baby in the first place.  I can't be sure, but I think that she just wanted to get it over with and the child out of her life.  She seemed to be running away from the reality of it all.

She had a boy.  He came a couple of days early and instead of placing him with the couple at the hospital as planned, she got to take care of him for two days while the adoptive couple arranged flights.  She was completely un-prepared for the love and bond she felt for this little boy.  Her little miracle.  She continued with placement though.  She was brave.  And to that family on the east coast she was a miracle worker.

My friend went through a hard time but she is back on her feet, a changed woman.  As odd as this sounds, I think her situation gave her more direction in life that she has ever had before.  She has thought more deeply about what this whole experience called life means.  She has thought more deeply about where she wants to be rather than floating along wherever the current may take her.

If our birth mom is out there, possibly even reading this, I want to shed a tear for you, not out of pity.  I can never fully understand your situation, but I wish I could know who you are.  I wonder how much we would have in common.  I wonder if we could even be friends.

Lots of thoughts started by one dream.

Things will work out, I just can't plan on it

I've spent a lot of time lately reflecting on where I am right now in my life and where I've come from.  In fact this last Sunday I had the opportunity to tell the story of how David and I met to my sister-in-law.  I can't believe she didn't know it.  I thought it was old hat for everyone, but I guess that would be everyone outside of my family.  I just assumed she knew. 

As part of the story I ended up telling a bit about how I got to the point where David could actually be a part of my life without complications.  It's odd how we tend to carry extra baggage around, hating it but afraid to give it up because we find comfort in something we know so well.  Comfort in the hurt of a broken relationship.  Comfort in the familiar feelings of things not working out.  Unfortunately that kind of "comfort" often leads to bitterness and an ugly outlook on life.  Holding on to hurt often stifles our inner light, casting shadows where the Lord is trying to send true comfort.  The kind that doesn't hold back, but instead frees us for something better.

Yesterday I read this post.  I love the way she writes.  If I grow up I want to be like her.  I like her parallel with the sheep refusing something painful that is for their ultimate good.  Then today I read this post by my good friend Rachael.  She's so full of positive energy and confidence in life.  I love it.  I remember being that way.  I want to be that way again.  Confident that whatever is happening is really part of God's plan for  my life.  Confident that even if it's a seemingly bad thing, our life experiences  ultimately lead to greater happiness.

This whole childless situation has really shaken me.  For the longest time I thought that marriage would be the beginning of the rest of my life.  David and I would marry.  After about a year we would have our first child, two years later another one would bless our lives.  We would settle down, our kids would play with our nieces and nephews and all would be well in Zion.  My life did start, it just is not the life I thought it would be.  Oddly enough there are aspects that are surprisingly parallel to things experienced during single life. 

I spent a good chunk of time trying to handle single life with grace.  It was never easy sitting back and watching roommates go out on dates while you sit home bemoaning the fact that you have no life.  Pretty soon you get a grip and create your own Friday night activities.  Then the engagements come.  Best friends are able to take that next step.  Roommates that you don't even like are able to take the next step.  Strangers who are were in the 4th grade while you were a senior in high school are able to take the next step.  Each time sending a painful reminder that you are still very much single. It's hard. 

I eventually got a grip though.  I dated enough to know that I was tired of being hurt.  I didn't want to be played or lied to anymore.  At the same time I didn't want to play or lie to anyone else anymore.  I didn't want to be hurt and I didn't want to do the hurting.  It just wasn't worth it.  That's when David came into the picture.  Interesting how good things come when you least expect it. I was done dating.  If I wasn't genuinely interested then I wouldn't go out with them.  No more pity dates.  No more unsolicited love.  It was face value for me.  No imaginary relationships with real people.  No more wondering what that brief touch of the hand might have meant.  Done.  Plan B: Life Without a Man was well underway.  Then David came and messed it all up.  Delightful huh!

So here I am with life laying out in front of me.  Waiting for a child to bless our lives together, whether through the natural process or adoption, it mattereth not.  But there simply is no guarantee.  Each new announcement sending that painful reminder that others are getting what we want.  But I have a choice.  I can hold on to the hurt and the anger of failure and turn bitter and ugly.  Or I can let it all go.  Let it go and tackle life with grace.  The grace that comes with inner peace.  The grace that comes with turning things over to the Lord and accepting the path that he has laid out for me. 

Happy President's day to Us!

Nothing says Happy President's day like a new recliner.  Unless of course that is two new recliners.

K, so I may not fall prey to the Valentine's commercialism, but a good deal on new furniture was just too much to pass up.  And there is good reason behind it too.

I may not have any children, but I'm not altogether clueless when it comes to comfort and essentials to raising children.  As we've been waiting to be chosen by a birth mom, we've made a list of "essentials" that don't cause too  much heartache if the wait is longer than expected. 

Let me explain.  If we were to go out, buy cribs, swings, baby curtains, and other things to make a nursery, then it has a fairly large chance of causing more pain than excitement in the long run.  While there is hope of "if we build it, he/she will come" we do have to be realistic.  We aren't entirely unprepared though.  We do have some money set aside so when we get the call, we've got the funds.

However, there are a few things that we can enjoy right now that are in all reality a preparation for the baby.  Like a comfy recliner that lends itself quite nicely to rocking a baby to sleep when the time comes with no heartache involved while waiting.  See, there is method behind the madness!  Meanwhile, we get to enjoy... as you can see, it didn't take long for David to enjoy.

Happy President's day!!

Will you help us?

So, for those of you who are new to this blog, you may not be aware of our deep desire to expand our family of two. It's been a long and grueling journey through doctors visits, surgery, hope, disappointment, tears, frustration, more hope, more visits, more frustration and finally the turning of a page and taking of a different road.

As time has gone by and we've been feeling better and better about our decision to adopt, peace has come into our lives. At least a measure of it. We've finished our paperwork and we've been approved. Now we get to wait. But really, who can just wait? We've been counseled to "get our name out there", to "tell everyone you know", even to pass out business cards in order to get the word out and help that special little someone come into our lives.

I confess, it feels a little like selling ourselves. It's hard to "market" yourself; it just feels awkward. However, there are some things I can do. I may not be going door to door, but I can spread the word other ways. That is where you come in. David and I would be ever so grateful if all who read this would spread the word. A huge percentage of adoptions occur through word of mouth. We have a profile on itsaboutlove.org and there is a link to it on the sidebar of this blog. It's the first picture, just click on it and it will take you there.

We don't know how the right person will find us, but if we are doing everything we can, then somehow it will happen. The Lord helps those who help themselves right. So here's helping ourselves and hoping you will help too.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for helping.

Lora and David

I'm Back

Hello all ya'll in blogger land! I was beginning to wonder if I would come back from this little hiatus. I'm not entirely sure what happened to keep me silent for so long. Well maybe it was the whole crazy-busy part of life. Or perhaps the new found love of a British television show "Allo! Allo!", a little treasure I found whilst perusing the local library. I confess, I'm through 3 seasons already. In my defense, they are only 8 episodes in a season. Still.

Of course there is always the mad reading frenzy that I found myself in as well. It's like I was starving for reading time and in order to get it I sacrificed house cleaning and blogging. Nothing wrong with those priorities right? Those of you out there with children are just jealous that I actually can sacrifice housework for hours of uninterrupted reading. It's okay, just remember I really want to be like you!

Speaking of which, this whole waiting thing is well... hard. It's not like we expected to be chosen right away, but it really is difficult not knowing who has looked at our profile and if that special little someone is closer than we think. Sigh... On the bright side, invitations to baby showers aren't nearly as hard as they used to be. At one point it was enough to slip into a bit of a depression and have a good pity cry. Now it's a bit more fun because there really is a chance that someday it will be for my baby! You know anywhere between next month to 10 years from now. Sigh again! Oh well, plenty to keep us busy with.

Highlights of the past two weeks:

1. Bridal Faire is over! Woo-hoo! I actually want to post pictures to show that all the anxiety and madness was worth it, but I have to wait on someone else to download the photos. Perhaps another entry in the future.

2. I have a fully staffed primary! Save for a scouting leader, but hey, at least I got teachers right!

3. Another trip to Las Vegas for work has been planned. Reservations made, plane tickets purchased. Just over a month and certain warmth awaits.

4. I have new exercise socks! It really is a big deal.

5. Every once in a while I look up and notice I still have a Christmas decoration on the wall. I think about taking it down and realize that there is nothing to replace it with. With nothing there it's too bare to bear. Yup.

6. January is almost over and that is good. I have decided that January is the worst month of the entire year. For those of you with special occasions during said month it probably isn't that bad, but for me... never ending gray, cold, bleak, why does this time of year have to exist! Every other month has something to look forward to, or at least more sunshine. January exists right after the holiday high and hits you with a large electric bill due to Christmas lights, dark streets now that lights are no longer festive, just weird, and it honestly leaves me wondering if I can actually make it through the end of the month with any sanity left. Sweet January, it's time to end.

That's it for now. I know, didn't have to write a book, but thanks for listening anyways!

Adoption workshop

What a weekend.

On Friday and Saturday David and I attending the adoption workshop. It was Friday from 6-9 pm and Saturday 8am - 6 pm. Fortunately our group was a bit ahead of schedule and we were done at 5:15 or so. Which was good because I think if anymore had been crammed into the day my brain would have melted.

I'm still trying to digest everything that was talked about. There were creative ways on financing adoption, discussions on dealing with and accepting your infertility, openness in adoption, how to fill out the paperwork, what to do and not do for your pictures, and how to tell your child they are adopted. Those just a few of the things that we talked about. Like I said, still trying to digest everything.

The thing that has given me most pause to consider is the openness in adoption. Most adoptions are open instead of closed, meaning you develop a pretty good relationship with the birth mother and keep her appraised of the child's development/progress. The amount of openness is up to us. I have known that it was something that was happening, but I can't say that I've really taken a good look at myself and tried to figure out just how open I could realistically be. It's been rolling around in my head for awhile.

I'm pretty sure that I will be just fine with email updates, pictures on a blog... I'm just not sure where visits will come in. The last thing that I want to do is make it harder on the birth mom than it already is to place her child with us. I'm just not sure where my line of comfort really is. I suppose I'll find out when I get there. So many things up in the air.

It really was a good workshop though. I'm glad I went and the more I think about it, the better I feel about the whole situation. There are lots of helps out there and bottom line is that if this is the way Heavenly Father has for us to start our family then it's the right way.

Kind of exciting huh! I may actually be a mom after all!

Why do all the bad words start with "p"

Don't you just love it when people start out an entry with an inside joke. I wasn't even there for this one but this last weekend has made me feel like I was.

Pioneer Day was celebrated Beatty style this year. David and I joined his Aunt Pam and Uncle Ron in Mona, UT to commemorate the event. Really there wasn't too much said about the pioneers, but we certainly had a great time. Due to unforeseen replacement items (like 1 camera being dumped into 1 bucket of paint water) we found ourselves with a bit of a shortage of funds. So instead of staying the night at a hotel, we opted to join the rest of the crew in finding floor space to spend the night on. I was actually looking forward to it. We don't spend too much time around our extended family and I thought this would be a good opportunity to get some 'quality' time in. You know, really get to know each other. I wasn't disappointed.

I've long suspected that I would really like his cousins (the Beatty family crew) if I had a bit more time to spend around them. Well my suspicions were confirmed. What a group! We ended up staying awake till 1 in the morning talking out on the back porch about anything and everything. Even then we would have continued on but a rather large and ugly beetle made an appearance and broke up the party. So much fun though! It was completely worth the hot night in the loft.

David's parents were there too and his brothers and sisters all ended up joining us at some point in time. On Friday we went 4-wheeling. Always an exciting experience to be riding on the back when the driver's not quite sure what he's doing yet. (I love you David) He really only almost seriously lost me only once. Silly me, I was putting my hat back on and assumed he'd wait till I was ready to go before he "punched the gas". I'm only a little sore on the tailbone, but I did stay on.

Saturday brought the Mona Pioneer Day Parade which lasted all of 1/2 hour. My kind of parade. Didn't even have to worry about sunscreen. Afterwards we lounged in the park while the kids played on every blow-up toy made by man, then went back to the house for food and conversation. It really was just a good time. So glad we went.

Also, thanks to all you cousins, in-laws, out-laws, etc. for the support, advice, and experiences shared with adoption. It does my heart good to know that you all are rooting for us and you know what we are going through. It was good to hear your experiences good and bad through out the process. I feel like I could walk through fire as long as you are all around. And for those still waiting just like us (Debbie and Lance) we're praying for you too. Perhaps we'll adopt together and our kids will at least have someone the same age to play with.

Love you all!

An Update

So, a few of you have asked about an update on the adoption process. So, here it is.

Come to find out there is a whole schload of stuff to do. Here's what we've gotten done so far.

1. We've paid our thousand $$ (OUCH) and I'm certain that next week I'll find out that I'm pregnant due to Murphy's law. We thought about waiting another week just to make sure, but decided to tempt fate into acting out and paid it anyways. (k, I really don't think it's going to happen but before letting go of the check the thought did cross my mind... and that was just letting go of it to give to my husband. He's the one that actually took it to Family Services. And yes, he did the classic "hold out the check but don't let go when it's being taken" thing. He didn't even plan it, it just happened.)

2. We've gotten every hard copy we can with the exception of the copy of the sealing certificate from the temple. Yes, we could take a copy of the one we already have except for that unfortunate incident on our wedding day. You know how they always give the certificate to the mother of the bride for safe keeping... well that's probably the opposite of what should have happened. Yep, we have no idea where it is. So the temple has to get another one ready and we have to track down signatures.

3. We've got a chunk of our online stuff done. Questionnaire's, financial statements etc. Mostly waiting on David to get his stuff done. He's quite the perfectionist.

Speaking of David, he's actually started to blog again! It's kind of weird and I'm not used to it, but I'm glad he's doing it. He's spoken of becoming a writer but is struggling to find his voice. Nothing like putting everything about you on the web to help find your voice right!

That's about where we sit right now. On other things, my hat goes off to all the people out there who have ever been the president of some church organization... I really had no idea what kind of stuff would start popping into my mind and random times of the day and night. I don't like being in charge of everything! I feel like my mom. Like I stepped into the bishop's office and came out 10 years older. Bleck.

That's it for now. Perhaps if you are all lucky I'll post again before another week is out.

The Leap

Well, we've decided to take the next step in the child-getting process. That's right, we're filling out the adoption papers. I've had this inner debate on whether or not I would make this all public or not. But then I remembered that my life is pretty much an open book so why put off the inevitable?

Last Thursday we met with LDS Family Services and got the 'scoop' on adoption. It must be a good thing because David and I both had to hold back tears. I would say that there was something stuck in my eye, but how weird is that that it would effect both of us?! So I'll fess up. It really got to me. Not in a sad way, but it an oh-so-special way. So much of that way that we could hardly wait to come home and start filling out the papers and online profile.

Our case-worker said it usually takes about 4 months to get approved. My initial thoughts were "wanna bet? I'll see your 4 months and do it in 2 tops!" Then we started on the paperwork. It really is pretty intensive. Sure you have to get birth certificates, marriage documents, criminal background checks, but that's almost the easy part. There is a huge on-line section that has all sorts of in-depth questions that have to be answered. It's one thing if you are just putting in quick answers that 'will do' but quite another when you realize that someone will be making judgements on whether or not they give their child to you based on your answers. No pressure right. But it's definitely becoming quite the experience.

It's gotten me to think alot about family relationships and even our own personalities. How we interact with each other, how we get along with our own brothers and sisters. It's a lot to think about. Makes it difficult to know what to say.

But long story short, that is where we are at. I still say 4 months is a long time, and let's face it, school starts up again in August and I won't see my husband till December for all intents and purposes. Gotta get it done now!