...you hear the chimes.
Did you ever have those books that went along with the records when you were little? You know, the Disney books that told the story and you could play the record and follow along in the book? And the way you knew to turn the page was by hearing Tinkerbell's bell, or the chimes, or the dog barking.
I've been thinking a lot about our story lately. The story of David and I and now Ben. They way it took so long to hear those chimes. So long to get to turn to the next page. To move on. To progress.
Last Sunday (April 15th) we had Benjamin blessed. It made me cry just a little. I think I would have cried a lot more but I still had to lead the singing in church. It was a special day. A day that not too long ago I didn't think would come. Those of you who have been with me for awhile know the struggle that we have had to get this little guy. To start our family and turn the page.
It was nice to have a say in a few things that day. Like the music. As Music Chairman for the ward I got to pick out the hymns. For the rest hymn I did a Primary song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me". I love this song. It's simple message. The imagery that "whenever I hear the song of a bird or look at the blue blue sky" brings. I can almost feel the "velvet rose" and the "rain on my face". "I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world, Heavenly Father created for me." I love it because it reminds me of my Dad.
He probably doesn't remember but years and years ago, during a family home evening in the Hubbard household, my dad proclaimed "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" as his favorite song. I'm pretty sure that's when I started liking it. It speaks of my father and my Father. It brings fond memories and warm feelings. And now I sing it to Ben when he's fussy. When I'm putting him to bed. When I think I need to hear it as well.
David did the blessing. He blessed Ben with health and the ability and knowledge to take care of his body. He blessed him with a kind heart and the ability to have empathy and charity to all around him. He was blessed with courage, to stand up for the gospel among his peers and to be honest when it is not convenient. He blessed him with a sensitivity to the Spirit, a strong testimony, and the ability to know of God's love for him. He was blessed to know the consequences of his actions and to learn from them. To give service and follow the gospel.
There were more, but those are the ones that stood out to me. I have spent many an afternoon wondering what kind of man my little boy will be. I find myself excited to find out. Curious about how he'll look. The adorable little face that I look at now... what will teenagehood bring! Will he try growing a beard? Will I still be able to recognize "my little boy" in a growing man? Mostly I want to know what he'll have to say. What his thoughts will be on politics, on scouts, on girls. What kind of music will he listen to? Will I like it or will it drive me nuts? Will he be well-grounded or will his head perpetually be in the clouds? Class clown or class protector? Perhaps I should be more worried, but I can't bring myself to that just yet. I'm too excited. (However, I may need someone to remind me about this in say 13 years.)
It was a beautiful day. Spent with wonderful family and wonderful friends. And me feeling more and more blessed.
But sometimes our joys can inadvertently bring sadness to others. I remember all too well what it was like to sit in the audience while someone else was having their baby blessed. I was never not happy for them, it was just an overwhelmingly painful reminder of what we didn't have. What we weren't sure if we could ever have, and what we wanted so desperately. A reminder that my body wasn't working. That for some reason, we couldn't turn to the next page.
I have dear friends who are still struggling with infertility. Who always will be. It doesn't go away. Even if you have a baby through modern medicine or adoption... it doesn't go away. We don't know if we'll be able to have another child. We want one. But we just don't know. What we do know, what I know, is that the Lord has had his hand in our lives the entire time. He has placed people and jobs and homes in our path. He has blessed us in so many more ways than we ever imagined.
He knows.
He knows our struggles and he knows who we need to become. He will send the silver linings to our dark clouds to help us make it through. And when we start to recognize his hand, we can see it everywhere.
Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers on our behalf. For your friendship. For celebrating this time with us whether in person or in spirit. I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me.
