Own it, and be Beautiful

David and I had issues.  I use the past tense because that's what it is, in the past.  We had issues.  You see, we weren't getting along all that well.  We were getting on each other's nerves.  I felt like my needs weren't being met.  I needed him to change.  I needed him to be someone I could rely on, someone that could help me be happy.

He needed me to change.  His needs weren't being met.  I was not helping him to be happy.

We're not really sure when it started.  We think it reared it's ugly head when I was having all those issues with pregnancy.  Then comes the delivery of our sweet little boy and a whole new set of changes needed to be dealt with but this time with no sleep.

I needed David to come home and be a rockstar.  Someone who would walk in the door and be the strong person that I could lean on after a trying day.  The person who would make everything okay.

He needed to come home and be back in the arms of his rockstar.  I was to be strong and make everything okay after his trying day.

Do you see where this is going?

Everything came to a head a few weeks ago.  I pulled the airing of grievances card and made us have a good old pick each other apart session so he could change and be what I thought I wanted.  What I thought I needed.  I thought that's how things would be fixed.  By being brutally honest with each other.  Laying it all out on the table and picking it all apart and seeing what needed to happen.

My plan backfired.  (Shocker huh!) It created... issues.  Issues that weren't there before.  Things were said that hurt but rang true.  Well, trueish.  And some just seemed absolutely impossible to fix.  Like changing the stripes on a zebra.

I need it to be understood that we weren't miserable, we weren't a mess, we weren't hating life, we just weren't as happy as we had been in the past.  We still enjoyed each other's company, something was just... off.

We parted ways for a bit so we could think and take stock of what had just happened.

When did everything change?  What happened to us?  We used to be madly in love with each other.  We used to be completely happy with each other.  We used to have fun and talk about everything in the world.  The thing that drew us together was that we could be ourselves.  No pretenses.  No fundamental need to change.  We loved each other, were wildly attracted to each other.  We used to be enough for each other just as we were.  And being enough for each other made us better.

These were the questions that I pondered.  How on earth could I change so much so that we could be happy again.  How do I change my being?  How did this relationship become so... complicated? And then it hit me.  Something I learned back in the days of single hood.  Independence is attractive!  Being an independently happy person, genuinely happy without relying on someone else for it... is attractive.  It makes people beautiful. It makes others want to be around them.  It gives others permission to be themselves.

I used to be that independently happy person.  That is what had changed.  I was relying on David for my happiness and creating an impossible and extremely taxing job to his already full load.  No wonder it wasn't working!  I was asking the impossible.  I had set him up for complete failure.

I am in charge of my own happiness.  David is in charge of his own happiness.  We are in charge of Ben's happiness until he's old enough to take some of that on himself.

It was simple.

Overnight there was a spring back in my step.  There was a smile back on both of our faces.  We enjoy each other's company.  We talk about everything in the world.  We smile, we laugh, and we genuinely like to be around each other once again.  We are enough for each other.  Nothing needs to change that we didn't already know about before this whole thing began.  Our quirks are okay again.  And I am wildly in love with my husband again and he didn't have to change to make that happen.  It just feels so good.

I have more to say, about genuine beauty, about body acceptance... embracing your flaws.  Owning yourself and being beautiful.  But this is enough for now.

You'll know it's time to turn the page when...

...you hear the chimes.

Did you ever have those books that went along with the records when you were little?  You know, the Disney books that told the story and you could play the record and follow along in the book?  And the way you knew to turn the page was by hearing Tinkerbell's bell, or the chimes, or the dog barking. 

I've been thinking a lot about our story lately.  The story of David and I and now Ben.  They way it took so long to hear those chimes.  So long to get to turn to the next page.  To move on.  To progress.

Last Sunday (April 15th) we had Benjamin blessed.  It made me cry just a little.  I think I would have cried a lot more but I still had to lead the singing in church.  It was a special day.  A day that not too long ago I didn't think would come.  Those of you who have been with me for awhile know the struggle that we have had to get this little guy.  To start our family and turn the page.

It was nice to have a say in a few things that day.  Like the music.  As Music Chairman for the ward I got to pick out the hymns.  For the rest hymn I did a Primary song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me". I love this song.  It's simple message.  The imagery that "whenever I hear the song of a bird or look at the blue blue sky" brings.  I can almost feel the "velvet rose" and the "rain on my face".  "I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world, Heavenly Father created for me."  I love it because it reminds me of my Dad.

He probably doesn't remember but years and years ago, during a family home evening in the Hubbard household, my dad proclaimed "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" as his favorite song.  I'm pretty sure that's when I started liking it.  It speaks of my father and my Father.  It brings fond memories and warm feelings.  And now I sing it to Ben when he's fussy.  When I'm putting him to bed.  When I think I need to hear it as well.

David did the blessing.  He blessed Ben with health and the ability and knowledge to take care of his body.  He blessed him with a kind heart and the ability to have empathy and charity to all around him.  He was blessed with courage, to stand up for the gospel among his peers and to be honest when it is not convenient.  He blessed him with a sensitivity to the Spirit, a strong testimony, and the ability to know of God's love for him. He was blessed to know the consequences of his actions and to learn from them.  To give service and follow the gospel.

There were more, but those are the ones that stood out to me.  I have spent many an afternoon wondering what kind of man my little boy will be.  I find myself excited to find out.  Curious about how he'll look.  The adorable little face that I look at now... what will teenagehood bring!  Will he try growing a beard?  Will I still be able to recognize "my little boy" in a growing man?  Mostly I want to know what he'll have to say.  What his thoughts will be on politics, on scouts, on girls.  What kind of music will he listen to?  Will I like it or will it drive me nuts?  Will he be well-grounded or will his head perpetually be in the clouds?  Class clown or class protector?  Perhaps I should be more worried, but I can't bring myself to that just yet.  I'm too excited.  (However, I may need someone to remind me about this in say 13 years.)

It was a beautiful day.  Spent with wonderful family and wonderful friends.  And me feeling more and more blessed.

But sometimes our joys can inadvertently bring sadness to others.  I remember all too well what it was like to sit in the audience while someone else was having their baby blessed.  I was never not happy for them, it was just an overwhelmingly painful reminder of what we didn't have.  What we weren't sure if we could ever have, and what we wanted so desperately.  A reminder that my body wasn't working.  That for some reason, we couldn't turn to the next page.

I have dear friends who are still struggling with infertility.  Who always will be.  It doesn't go away.  Even if you have a baby through modern medicine or adoption... it doesn't go away.  We don't know if we'll be able to have another child.  We want one.  But we just don't know.  What we do  know, what I know, is that the Lord has had his hand in our lives the entire time.  He has placed people and jobs and homes in our path.  He has blessed us in so many more ways than we ever imagined.

He knows.

He knows our struggles and he knows who we need to become.  He will send the silver linings to our dark clouds to help us make it through.  And when we start to recognize his hand, we can see it everywhere.

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers on our behalf.  For your friendship.  For celebrating this time with us whether in person or in spirit.  I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me.

Worth the Wait

Benjamin David Sullivan joined our family on February 20, 2012. 

The sordid details, but not too sordid:

I'll keep it simple.  He wasn't in any hurry to come.  Despite primrose oil, acupressure, and walking all over the world, he still needed help.  On Monday morning we called into the hospital to go ahead and get things started with a doctor's help.  We had hoped that breaking my water would kick start things, but when has anything ever been that simple? 

Two hours after the breaking occured, still no satisfactory progress.  So the dreaded pitocin was to be had.  We started out slow and turned it up every hour as progress was still slow going.  Fortunately I had the company of some great friends.  Friends like "The Emporer's New Groove", "The Great Race", and "Pride and Prejudice".  David also brought some James Bond movies but that was really the last thing I wanted to see. Something about bringing life into the world to the sounds of explosions and gunshots... meh.

Moving on.  Part of our goal with this was to go natural.  Didn't really want an epidural and had studied up on techniques to help through the contractions and pain.  Our nurses knew this as well as the doctor and were happy-ish to help out.  Some more than others.  But all in all our wishes were respected.  So.  The pit drip.  It kinda of... intensified everything.  About 3 the contraction pain took it a step up.  Got a little rough.  About 4:30 I kind of wanted to die.... just a little.  The nurses reassured me that they have a 100% success rate when dealing with birth.  I would live.  So on we went.  Onward, ever onward.  At 5 I was crying with the pain and I was only dilated to a 5.  I asked how much longer they thought it would be, they said probably 2-3 hours.  Then I not only thought I would die, I wanted to.  "Give me the epidural" I said.  Paper signed, the specialist was sent for.  20 minutes later I was hunched over for them to do the deed.  He missed, got a blood vessel instead of the right spot.  Two contractions later I wanted to push more than anything in my life.  They checked me again and I was fully dilated.  No epidural for me!  This was 5:30 by the way. So doctor was sent for, I had someone on both legs and the pushing began.

At 6:55 Benjamin came into the world and mine became complete.  I cannot get over how much I love this little guy.  In fact as I type right now I struggle not to cry a little.  He is just so very precious and I just can't get over what a miracle he is for us.  We weren't sure this day was ever going to happen, and here we are.

So there's the story.  More picture than you ever want to look at will surely turn up on the blog.  Our lives have completely changed and I couldn't be more ready for it. 

Thank you to friends, family, neighbors, ward members, co-workers... everyone really.  Thank you for the support.  Thank you for the love.  Thank you for the cheering on. 

One Step at a Time

Lora has hinted several times that she would be very interested to see what I would have to say about our Journey so far with trying to have children. So... here is trying to put into words what it is like for me. It may turn out to be a book, so trudge through at your own risk.

I don't think anyone ever expects to wait so long for some things in there life. I knew I didn't want to get married young and always thought it would be sometime after I turned 25. I guess be careful what you wish for because I had no idea it would take me until almost 33. Earlier on, I didn't put it off, but I didn't pursue it nearly as much as I could have. Through all of that waiting, I always knew somehow that I would find someone wonderful, and lo and behold I found her, and she was definitely worth the wait.

When we were married, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children right away either. Selfishly or not, in spite of getting married later in life (at least around these parts) I wanted to have at least a year with Lora to myself. Yet again, a wish for a little time turned into a surprisingly long wait, because here we are, 5 years and still waiting and we still don't know when children will come.

For me, it is easy to see some similarities between waiting to find the one to marry and trying to have children. I enjoyed life. I was basically pretty happy as I am tremendously so now with Lora, but I started to feel and now feel even more so the missing part of what else I want in my life: then marriage, and now children. Although I say it's a wait, really it is more a pursuit. You have to take steps and go after what you want. To get married, you have to meet people and date. For us to have children we have registered to adopt at an agency and we are also going to a fertility clinic. For each, you took the step, hoping it will turn out with what you wish, but many times you had to keep going even after there were times when the signs pointed to it being the time had finally come when it actually was not; a canceled engagement here, a you think your are pregnant there. Those close calls can be hard.

Trying to have children is also different. Even though it is much better to go through the hard times together, it seems you feel the pain for both of you. I feel much more urgent this time. A part of that is simply that the clock is ticking. How old will I be when it finally happens? When they Graduate? When they get Married and have there own kids? Will I be around long as a Grandpa? But the bigger part is that, even though I feel we are really happy now and enjoying life with just the two of us, it's just knowing that there is this other aspect to life that will be much more difficult, but oh so much more rewarding with children, and I want that.

One of the biggest frustrations is I want to go faster than we are able. Either it costs so much so we have to save for it, or it just takes so much time and energy, or life just simply gets in the way. For fertility, it was minor complications slowing the doctor down and him being cautious. Now that we are going to a good fertility clinic, I feel like we are moving a lot faster. Or it was getting signed up for adoption which is quite the involved process and it just takes a long time. Even when we decided to buy a house and we just couldn't focus on much else, adoption or doctors. Some things just take too much focus to do much else.

Adoption brings its own interesting thoughts and feelings. I'd always been open to the idea since my cousin, whose family I am very close to, was adopted. Her older sister also adopted her first son. I also have several other family and friends who have adopted. From them I knew that adopted children are not second class kids who the parents had to settle for, but are as much a part of the family as any other child, loved as much as any other; and that is how it would be with us. But I have heard and seen how adoption brings its own challenges. Adopted kids basically have both a heritage from the family they are adopted into as well as a biological heritage from their birth parents. A part of them will be from other than you. This is even more so now that adoptions are much more open and not closed like they used to be. Depending on how involved the birth parents will want to be, there will be other people in the lives of your adopted child. I've seen some where they are like extended family. That isn't bad for me, but something else to juggle and consider as you raise your child.

We've had one birth mother interested in us so far that we know of. We were told she was still considering us for a while. We never met her and she finally choose another family. It was exciting to know that we were being looked at. But when it didn't happen, it was disappointing, but maybe not as much as it could have been since we had not yet met her or felt like it was going to happen

When we first went in and talked with our case worker, we had such a good experience with how we felt about it. I think it will be an option we keep open even the fertility stops getting in the way; so for me, not so much if, but most likely when. However, much can happen, so we will have to see.

Going to the doctors has been its own adventure. You get to open up what is usually the most private process of your lives to other people. That can be hard and awkward, and much more so for Lora than me. We have been classified into the "unexplained infertility" category. From all of the tests, there is no good reason why we can't get pregnant. There is one thing going on that may be impeding things, but not necessarily. That in itself is frustrating because you really don't have any good answers. In some ways it would be easier to know why, even if it meant that the option was closed.

Even though we have been going to the doctors for months both times we pursued this, but the other frustrating thing is how far we have gone. Not very. The first time, the furthest we got was Lora taking a round of Clomid. That is as far as we got after months of monitoring and even a laparoscopy. Now that we are going to a specialist at a fertility clinic, we are at least moving. We have taken the battery of tests and got those out of the way. We are now in the the step of several rounds of IUI (artificial insemination), and if that doesn't get us there, we have a plan in place to try In vitro fertilization. It feels so much better to be doing things now and have a much more concrete plan in place.

But, depending on how things go, we are vulnerable again to things not happening. I kind of got used to another month and nothing. Now we will have a reason to hope for something during some of the months ahead and if it turns out that not that month; well, it will be difficult to be disappointed again. Still, I'd rather be doing something. You won't get anywhere doing nothing.

I know we will eventually have children of our own. I know it because I've got this feeling inside like I did that I would find someone wonderful to marry. Not having children just isn't an option. It gives me a lot of peace, which helps so much through the setbacks and dashed moments of hope and not understanding why it isn't happening until later. So, here we are. We just plug along, truly enjoying what we have now and for the most part being really happy, but desiring something so much more.

From whichever method the child arrives, I do feel one thing very strongly. Children are brought to a family by divine guidance. When we finally get there, the children will be meant for us. And we are going to be AWESOME parents too!

The Drive

Lora: I’m in a really bad mood so you don’t want to mess with me right now.


David: Like how bad?

L: Like stop looking at me cause it makes me want to rip your head off, that’s how bad.

D: Oh.

L: Stop looking at me.

He laughs

I glare

He laughs more

I glare with a raised eyebrow.

D: Are you going to make me laugh the whole way to Salt Lake!?

Double glare with raised eyebrow and bugged out eyes.

Erupt in belly laughter.
~~~

I guess it’s good that David knows me so well.

Confession Time

So here's where I need your support.  Here is were I tell you my woes and no matter how non-sensical they are, like the wonderful people you are, you come to my aid and say:  It's okay Lora, it will be alright.

For some time now my good friend and past roommate Brenda has been asking about our story.  The story that led us to want to adopt. I've put it off because it just didn't seem like there was much to tell.  So many people have gone through so much more than we that it just didn't feel worthy. We hadn't exhausted our resources in the medical field because we just didn't think it was the right time for us.  Or more accurately, I honestly don't think I could have handled it emotionally.

When we started trying for children a whole 5 months after we got married back in September of 2005, we weren't that serious.  We didn't want to wait too long because we weren't getting any younger.  But we weren't entirely sure we were ready for parenthood either.  We were conflicted.  I needed to finish my schooling and David was contemplating going back to school.  We didn't really have our path decided on.  We just weren't sure where we were headed in the next little while.  So though we didn't stop anything, we didn't worry too much as the months kept passing by.

And then the months kept passing by... and passing... and passing.  I had graduated, got a job.  David was back in school.  We were older.  We wanted children.  Sure it wasn't the ideal time with tuition on the horizon, but we didn't care about that.  We knew that the Lord would provide should He decide to bless us with a little one.  So we started counting days, making use of ovulation kits, paying attention to temperature etc.  Nothing.  Next step was the doctor.

End of 2007 we went to a doctor that we both hated.  Took blood tests and couldn't quite bring myself to go back.  Got busy with life and left it for awhile.  In 2008 the passing months got too much again.  So we went to the Women's Center to a recommended doctor and had a better experience.  He actually explained a few things, like what the tests were for and how it all worked.  We did the tests, got the blood drawn, went through lovely exploratory procedures to rule out the usual suspects, and went on Clomid.  What a lovely little drug so full of disappointment.  Fortunately one of my other good friends, Ginny, informed me that the drug actually gives you all the signs of being pregnant.  Hot flashes, brain leakage, mood swings, the works.  Which is why it's so disappointing to have that monthly unwanted visitor still come and visit.  And visit it did.

Back to the doctor.  "Oh my, you have a cyst!  I don't feel comfortable putting you on other drugs until the cyst is taken care of."  Ummm. okay?  "Let's wait a month and see if it goes away all by itself.  Besides we don't know if it was there before the drug or if the drug actually caused it."  Ummmm. Okay.  So we waited until that lovely visitor came around once again, back to the doctor, cyst still there.  "How about we wait another month?"  Ummm, not so okay but okay.  Another month rolls by with same results.  At least they are prepared somewhat for my tears of frustration by this time.

Only frustration doesn't really sum it up.  How about living day to day knowing how badly you and your spouse want a family and realizing that it's your body that is failing.  Your body that is providing this monthly let down.  And still more months go by.  Finally surgery is the option of choice to take this cyst away since it's clearly in for the long haul.  Oh and did I mention that in the meantime I got to be on another lovely drug that was supposed to balance some kind of hormone level with the thrilling side effect of depression?  Yeah, those were good times.

Surgery successful.  The surgery to remove "Bob" (yes, by this time the hated thing had a name) did the job and he was gone.  More drugs?  Not yet, let's give the body time to sufficiently heal.

I took myself off of the drug with the depression side effects and David rejoiced that he has his wife back and she smiles!  Voluntarily!  He was overjoyed. 

A few more months pass and back to the doctor we go. And guess what?!  Wait for it, wait for it... Bob had a brother!  Took up residence once he left.  Tears.  Another month passes and the brother-of-Bob stays.  That's when I couldn't take it anymore.  At this point my doctor is giving me that "oh, it's you again" look.  Very encouraging.  Like I wasn't feeling bad enough already.  So I quit. I took myself out of the biological baby-making game and threw myself into adoption.

We had been thinking about it for awhile but had never felt it was the right time.  July of 2009 we felt like it was the right time as well as the only option that would keep me sane.  It was wonderful to be doing something that didn't involve my dysfunctional body!  This was paperwork, and pictures, and interviews.  It was heavenly and hopeful.  Our hearts were lifted and hope for a family returned.  We cried as birth mothers told their stories.  We cried as adoptive parents shared their joy at a prayer answered by a birth mother angel.  I day dreamed about the day we would be chosen.  How we would tell our families.  What we needed to prepare for it.  What our little one would look like.  I still think about it, just not as much.

When we started the adoption process David wanted to keep both doors open, adoption and biological, and I was amenable to that as long as it was on my terms.  I have trouble dividing where my energies and hopes go.  My body had disappointed me for so long that I couldn't put any trust in it anymore... at least not till now.

On Memorial day at the annual Robbin's family celebratory grave hopping ritual, we were bombarded out of the blue with stories of IVF and what it entailed.  Ok, bombarded might be extreme, but two very separate and hard to run into people were run into and brought up their story all by themselves.  It got us thinking.  It got me thinking.  Perhaps it's time to open up that biological door and let in a little air.

So we've decided to go travel the biological route again.  Or at least look a little farther down that road.  Best part is that I'm also feeling okay with both doors being opened.  I don't care where our family comes from, I just want a family.  I want to join the ranks of sleepless nights and diaper brigades. I want to capture those half smiles in the sleep and the discovery of toes.  Our family is just a couple.  It's not complete.

So, on Monday July 19th we will be meeting with a specialist in the Salt Lake area.  He's been involved in the field since the first IVF pregnancy was done in the 80s and was actually at the hospital where it was performed.  It gives me hope.  We hadn't thought much about this route before because it's just so expensive.  However we just found out that David's insurance, that sometimes we curse, is actually phenomenal when it comes to fertility.  We pay $500 and they pay 100% of the rest.  We seriously had no idea.  So at this point we have nothing to lose.  Hope is alive once more.

Then I filled out the online questionnaire and had a bit of a reality check.  It asks all sorts of questions about how old your mom was with the first and last child.  Is there a history of infertility in the family?  Do my sisters have trouble getting pregnant?  Any weird drugs?  Any health problems?  I can't tell you how completely discouraging it was to answer no to all of those questions!  No, there are no problems with any other member of my family for generations with infertility.  I am the anomaly.  I am the exception.  What's wrong with me?

I have two purposes for this route.  Well, I guess it's all the same.  Can I have children or can't I?  Up to this point it has not been clearly defined.  No one knows why my body is misbehaving.  No one's been willing to take it that far.  Heaven knows I am but I need some help getting there. I need a professional to outline my routine so all of the diagnostic steps can be taken and an answer achieved.

I honestly am okay with finding out I can't have children.  I just want to know.  It's the not knowing that is so difficult.  No answers.  Just guesses.  Dark alleys of wondering.  If I know why this is happening to me, or rather not happening, then I really can go on.  No more divided loyalties.

So, there you have it Brenda and all who have ventured this far into an incredibly long post.  That's where our story is right now.  Here's where we venture into that one dark and unexplored alley to see what's really there.  And here's to hoping for a happy ending.

The Stones That Brought us Together... or not

Did I ever tell you I had kidney stones?  Well, I did.  It was a long time ago and I never care to re-live it.  When I was going through it I honestly thought I was going to die!  My wonderful roommate at the time was kind enough to drive me to the emergency room in the middle of the night to get things taken care of.  I ended up staying in the hospital overnight, leaving for a day or two and then re-checking myself in because of the pain.  Fun experience.  There's much more to be said, but that's really not what this post is about.

This post is about communication.  You see, David and I were dating at the time.  We had had the define the relationship talk and decided that we were exclusive.  Yep, just the two of us together.  Bliss I tell you, bliss!  Then I got kidney stones.  When I was released from the hospital he was so very caring.  So helpful in every way.  I think he even got my pain meds for me.  What a guy huh!  Then I got put back into the hospital.

It was a Sunday and it was miserable.  The doctor had originally thought the stone had passed but the pain was back.  It was agreed that if it didn't pass naturally by the next morning then I would go into surgery.  It was not a fun time.  Here I was alone in a hospital room with no company, no distractions, just me, the iv and my anxiety.  So I did what any woman would do and called my boyfriend!  Yeah, that's it!  What good is a boyfriend if you can't call him in your time of need?  We talked, I told David I was back in the hospital.  He asked if I needed anything.  I said no, and then he had the nerve to believe me!

Couldn't he hear the pleading in my voice even as I told him I was fine?!?  Seriously people.  I was in the hospital!  Is anyone ever fine in the hospital?!  The whole thing screamed NOT fine but he just didn't get it!  I was the strong woman suffering in the hospital too proud to admit the pain and duress I was under.  He was supposed to be the strong man that gallantly comes to my side because he knows that even though I say I'm fine, I'm really not.  He needs to be there to steady me, to give me a shoulder to cry on that I'll never ask for by myself.  He was supposed to sense these things.  Did he just up and miss all those romance movies?

He never did come to visit me in the hospital that Sunday.  I spent a great deal of time trying to deal with the sense of abandonment I felt.  I didn't mention it to him because if there was one thing I would not let myself become it was a whinny woman.  It wasn't until after we were married that we revisited that conversation.  Sure enough he had no idea how I felt that day.  He really did think I was fine.

Isn't it funny how people, especially women expect others to read their minds and then get mad when the expected party wasn't blessed with that super-power.  David and I have learned a great deal about communication.  We still have a ways go to, but we are getting pretty darn good at clarification and explanation after the fact.  That Sunday in the hospital taught me that David does not have mind reading super-powers.  Time has taught me that neither do I.  Now we're smart enough to talk about everything.  We set clear expectations for ourselves and each other.  We talk things out and find our common ground.  Turns out it's a lot easier than trying to read minds.  Who knew! 

ps. Fortunately the stone passed the next morning as the crew was waiting outside my door to take me down and prep me for surgery... whew!

Our Story, chapter 1

Did I ever tell you about how David and I met?  Yes? No?


The year was 1999.  I had just moved into a cute little home with 3 girls that I didn't know.  I had been home from my mission since October 1998 and was ready to move on with my life.  I was in the Logan 22nd Singles Ward.


David was in the ward. He had heard that I served in the Missouri St. Louis mission and struck up a conversation.  His brother served in the same mission.  I knew him as one of the singing elders.  That was our first introduction.


I thought he was handsome and I enjoyed the comments that he gave in Gospel Doctrine.  He always sat on the front row.  I always sat on the back row.  I kept my eye on him but apparently the timing wasn't right for us to really get to know each other.  He moved out of the ward that summer and we both lived our seperate lives.


Every once in awhile we would run into each other.  In the Wal-Mart parking lot, or crossing paths in other church buildings.  He was always friendly, I always checked his ring finger.  It was always bare.


We each dated, got in and out of relationships and learned a lot about ourselves.  Then our paths crossed again.  This time as representatives for the 25 and Older Singles Group in our stakes.  I semi-fondly called it "The Last Chance Before They Put You Out to Pasture".  "Pasture" was the Adams Park ward where the chances of marriage were slim at best.  Even being on the same committee it still took some time before David asked me out.


As a matter of fact I had pretty much given up on him.  My apparently pathetic attempts at flirtation weren't panning out.  One of my friends asked if I could introduce her to him.  I thought I might as well since he's obviously not interested in me.  (I confess, I secretly didn't think they'd work out anyway so I didn't see the harm in it.)  So after our institute class, the special one for the 25 and up group, I made introductions.  The night came to a close and we each walked to our seperate cars.  David and I happened to be parked on the same side of the building so we walked out together.  Well sort of together.  I was a little behind but he was still in the parking lot nonetheless. 


Then we started talking, and talking, and talking.  Before we knew it it was 11:00 and we were still talking in the parking lot.  I thought to myself "Hmm.. that was interesting."  And then we just looked at each other.  Kind of funny like.  We said our goodbyes and see ya laters. 


Later happened to be the next day at the opening social for the 25 and older group.  Did I mention he was in charge of it... yeah, he was.  So we met at Adam's Park the next day and entertained the masses, all 20 of them.  We played volleyball and ate ice cream.    My friend who was quite interested in David came as well.  This was the day they were really supposed to hit it off.


So there we were playing sand volleyball, each of us on opposite teams, when David yells out.  "Hey Lora, have you seen the new Harry Potter movie?"  I respond with a no.  He continues, "Would you like to go with me on Friday night?"  Without hesitation I said yes.**(see footnote)  Then I looked at my friend and she looked at me.  She was not happy.  However, I had been waiting for this moment for 5 years and I wasn't about to pass it up.


So on Friday June 26th, 2004 David and I had our first date.  I don't even remember which Harry Potter it was.  We came back to my apartment and talked till 2 in the morning at least.  Catching up on what had happened in our lives and how we got to where we were.  Thoroughly enjoyable. 


That was the beginning, almost 6 years ago.  I was already at ease with this charming man and he didn't know he had already started to sweep me off of my feet.

**Footnote:  the "yes" in this story had another part.  There was another guy there who had asked me out several times that day and each time I turned him down.  I told him I was busy, visiting family, not interested in the movie, headed out of town.  Anything and everything I could do.  Not 10 minutes before David asked me out he had asked me to see the Harry Potter movie with him that same weekend and I had declined.  I don't know how he missed it since he was playing volleyball with us too, but he did not hear either of us.  Much later on, like weeks, he continued to ask me out and I continued to say no.  He then told me that I better be careful because if I didn't say yes soon he would stop asking me out.  I said that would be okay.  He really didn't know how to take that.  I told him I wasn't interested in him.  He went into denial.  I ended up going out with him once, and by out I mean sitting on opposite ends of the couch watching a movie at my house.  He stopped asking after that.

Censorship

Do you ever find yourself writing away and censoring your own work? I started this blog so that I could throw myself out to the cosmic wonders of the internet world and let my voice be heard. My thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. I didn't care about structure or political correctness. It was my blog and I would write anything I dang well pleased.

Now I find myself wondering if what I say will be liked, read, taken seriously, jokingly, make me look a fool... then I realized that it's too late. My husband recently told a friend that she should read my blog because she would then get a greater insight into who I am. I'm not entirely sure what that means. I've never thought of myself as the type of person who hides her emotions or feelings, but then again, maybe I am.

My mother used to tell me that if I would just let my personality show then someone was bound to finally, at long last, fall in love with me and whisk me away into eternal marriage-bliss. I hated it when she said those kind of things. Like it was my fault that the boys weren't lining up to ask me out. I was doing the best I could. And believe it or not, those boys who did take the time to get to know me actually did fall for me... problem was I couldn't quite bring myself to fall for them. If marriage was all that was to be sought after then I could have had that taken care of years and years ago... I just wouldn't have been happy. Not that they weren't decent boys, some of them were very nice, but they just weren't the right match for me. There's so much more to life than to settle for the first thing that comes your way. Why not take your time, be picky, and create your own bliss?

I waited to get married. Not necessarily because I wanted to, but because the right guy simply hadn't come along. It wasn't easy to do. There were many days of wondering what was wrong with me. Was their some kind of fundamental error in my make-up that deemed me unworthy of marriage? Was I took picky? Had my ship come in and I had missed it? Was I doomed to wander the planet alone? I was even going to write a book about my dating trials. I was going to call it "But I Don't Want to be Like Sherry Dew"

Then David and I connected. We laughed together and we cried together. We are sometimes going through hell together. But at the end of it all, I get to be with him forever... in our own little world of teasing and laughing and getting over our misunderstandings bliss. David is my match. It's sometimes overwhelming to think that eternity is ours together. Makes all the rest of the trials we go through worth it.