Just Enough...

This is what my life has been looking like lately.

Notice the things that are shoved to the side?

Making just enough room to get by.  Just enough room to set the table for breakfast.  Just enough room to open the door, get up the stairs, type on the computer.

It's just a sampling of the house.  Sadly every room is in that state.  Things are shoved aside in the bathroom giving just enough room to take care of personal hygiene.  

I try, I really do.  The pictures you see are the ones taken after I at least picked up the toys, because no matter how you paint it, if there's very little room to move around, cars/animals on the floor just aren't going to work for personal safety.  They get stepped on... and then cursed at under my breath. But that's beside the point.

The point.  My point that I'm trying to get at, is that's it's okay.  It's okay to have times where you do just enough.  It's not a sign of laziness, apathy, or bad housekeeping.  It does not mean you are a bad person.  It does not mean anything negative at all.  It means that there are some things that are just more important.  It may mean that you have so many irons in the fire that a nice clean organized house is just not in the cards for awhile.  And that's okay.

I saw something on facebook a few nights ago that said "You didn't let your three year old drive the car today right?  Then you're a good mom!"

Take that to heart my friends.  Are your children still alive at the end of the day?  Did they get fed?  Success! 

On a side note, this happened:

He turned three months old last Saturday.  Three whole months!! He's filled out, he's babbling all the time, he's smiling and happy and such a blessing in my life.  And usually he gets more of my time than just enough.  Just as it should be. 

Some Things About My Child

I have learned some things about my child.  Some necessary and sanity saving things.  Some things that from the outside looking in, might seem like I have no control over my child and there was a time when I would have agreed completely.  Thankfully for myself and for Ben, my understanding has changed.

Take today for example.  Today we were at Charlie's Ice Cream with friends.  It was a large group and there were only a few others who came in after we had settled down with our ice cream so we pretty much had the joint to ourselves.  There was music on the jukebox and the children were playing.  Ben was dancing to the tunes and running around playfully.  (Now I say playfully because I understand that to him, that's what it is.)  He was laughing and occasionally squealing with delight as other children played with him.  He squeals with delight if anyone, adult or child, plays with him.

After several rounds and the recapturing of shoes, David and I tried to contain the bundle of energy that is our son and head home.  He went down for a nap almost immediately.  There was one more round of chasing to be done before the diaper could be changed and he was ready for a nap.

As I sat in Charlies wondering at the energy of my son, I also marveled at how much I have come to accept him.  Not to be confused with "giving up" on him.  But really accepting who he is.  Before he was part of our lives I would never have even imagined myself letting a child run around a restaurant.  That's just not what you let your kids do.  They need to sit quietly and respectfully, not interrupting anyone else.  In fact I would have passed judgement on those who did.

But now?  Now I have Ben.  He is not anything special, he just has more energy in his little toe than I have in my whole body some times.  So here are the things that I have learned and come to love about my child.

1.  He needs to be social. He thrives off of it.  He is friendly and open and makes friends easily wherever he goes, no matter the age.  1-100 he's there to say hello and make a friend. When I keep him in the house too long (not in hours but in days) he starts to wither.  If we go more than 2 days without contact with other people, he starts to get ornery and whiny.  I've even thought he must be sick or something physical was bothering him, but the second he is in contact with someone else he's a changed person, especially if there is someone new to play with.  And I really mean the second.  He will practically drag friends away from their parents to go play with him.

2.  He needs to keep things light and playful.  He picks up quickly on whether I'm upset or even just too serious.  He tries to do things to put a smile on my face and lighten the mood around him.  This is especially apparent when he is in trouble for doing something wrong.  He quickly tries to divert attention to something that usually makes me laugh or smile. I used to think that he was trying to get out of being disciplined but have since learned that it's not the discipline but the "heaviness" of it all.  He wants me to be happy.  If I come down too harsh on him during these times I will not be able to reach him to help him understand what he has done wrong because he will be too busy trying to get me to smile again.  When I back off a little and take him to task gently, he's more likely to listen and make changes to his behavior.

3.  He needs to move.  Not likes or prefers, but actually needs to move.  It is who he is.  I simply cannot expect him to sit completely still during church.  I can expect him to be quiet during church. He can do reverent activities, but to just sit still?  Impossible.  It's like he has a quota of energy that needs to be expended every day.  He needs to take so many running steps, jump so many times, bounce and cavort around the room and crash into things with great vocal gusto.  He needs to move and shake and play and be happy and creative.

All of these things that I love about my child have been a challenge for me.  I do not need to move as much as he does.  Not even 10th of what he does.  I do not like to be out of my house all that much and I like to think about things seriously.  I'm not always happy, not that I'm necessarily sad but I'm just more serious than he is.  I'm not always up to being social and oftentimes would prefer to sit down and watch a movie or read a book.  Which means that sometimes Ben exhausts me.

What are my choices though?  Do I squash Ben's energy, his happy personality, the excitement and joy that he gets out of life?  Some of the very things that are essentially him?  I could have forced Ben to sit still at Charlie's.  He would have cried.  He would have fought me.  He wouldn't have been able to play with the other kids.  We as parents wouldn't have been able to talk to anyone about anything because we would have had to hold him in the vice-grip of death in order for him to sit still.  We would have ended up leaving almost immediately upon arrival and we would have all had a miserable time.

I didn't want that.  I wanted to enjoy my time.  So instead I let him run.  I let him brings a smile to people's face even as they thought perhaps someone should "sit that kid down".  But I honestly don't think anyone was thinking that.  I watched as he greeted people and most everyone answered with a genuine smile and even laughter.  I kept one eye on the people I was with and one eye on him.  When he sat down at someone else's table and started making the little girls laugh, I went and got him so they could enjoy their ice cream together.  When he started for the door to go outside and visit with another family, I wouldn't let him.  He needed to stay safe where I could see him.  He didn't like it, but he did obey.  He could play with the kids that were a part of our group.  When he starting playing in the drinking fountain I stopped him.  He has boundaries, they just don't look like what even I thought they would.

More important than me enjoying my time though, is the responsibility that I have as a parent to my child.  I do not want him growing up thinking that the very things that make him who he is, are wrong or bad or unacceptable.  I want him to always be that happy, social, fun-loving child.  The one who brightens a room.  There will be plenty of people and opportunities as he grows older that will make him question his worth.  He will second guess the things that are so natural to him.  I do not want that questioning to start with me.  I want to be his biggest cheerleader, honoring his unique perspective and abilities and who he really is.  I want him to be able to learn to work with his energy and meet his potential.  No reservations.

Wish us both luck!

My Inner Child

Yesterday was awful. I mean awful.  I felt overwhelmed in every aspect of my life.  I had several irons in the fire and not enough time to attend to all of them.  I hadn't been sleeping all that well and neither had Ben.  In fact he was up several times during the night and then decided to take a 45 minute nap rather than the hour and a half we're used to.

Ben was ornery and clingy.  I was ornery and distant.  We both had to be around each other longer and the to do list had thing that just needed to be done.  The setting was just right for the perfect storm.

It hit at about 7 that evening.  The kitchen was a mess, there was flour on the floor that needed to be vacuumed up, and every room in the house was in a state of disarray.  Every.  Room.  Laundry, cushions, toys, papers, crayons... everything everywhere.  There was no sanctuary.  No place of order to hide and calm down.  Just chaos and a child whining and clinging to my leg constantly.  Constantly.  I had to pry him off to use the bathroom.  Noise noise noise noise noise!

My patience had been used to the very last drop. There was no reserve, no bottom of the barrel to scrape.  It was just gone.

I handed Ben off to David who was equally tired and spent and began trying to find some order in the chaos.  2.5 seconds later Ben was at my skirt whining to be carried and I just could. not. do it.  I exploded.  I let out a primal yell all my own, stomped on the floor, and had the grown up equivalent of a two year old fit.  The reaction it caused would have made James P Sullivan of Monsters Inc. fame proud.

Ben ran scared to David for comfort and I felt like a monster.  A monster of a mother who lost her cool in a big way.  A monster who scared her child rather than comforted.  A monster who stomped and yelled and caused disarray.

David quickly took Ben out for a walk and I rampaged around the house throwing things to get them in order, cleaning like a mad woman and working very hard to calm down.  Bewildered by my own reaction and scared of myself. By the time they got back I was able to hold it together and apologize for my behavior.  I felt ashamed and a little lost.

Now for today.

Today was better.  Today I decided that the to do list could go and to do itself.  The important things got done and the never ending list of other things did not even get thought of.  I went for a walk with my son this morning and let him take the lead.  We ended up at a nearby park and he decided when to go home.  We had lunch on the deck with David and we all laughed with each other.  Ben went down for a nap and I went to the temple.

At the temple I regained some perspective and asked for my burden to be lightened.  There was nothing to take away, but God could bless me not to feel it so heavily upon my back.  I listened.  I asked questions in my heart and received direction and answers.  I came to understand more about the blessings and the power of God in my life.  About the Priesthood.  About men and women and why we work well together and why we have to work together.  I asked to be a better mother to my son.  I left with peace in my heart.

It was hot when I got home.  Hot enough to put Ben in his swimsuit and put a pair of shorts on myself.  I threw propriety, caution, and my own inhibitions to the wind and Ben and I got soaked in the sprinklers together.  We played outside all the rest of the afternoon and walked around the neighborhood in wet clothes, sunscreen, and the best big floppy hat in the entire world.  I felt like a kid again.  My body remembered the feel of the never-ending Summer days spent outside, playing in the water, listening to the wind in the trees, and feeling the sun warm my wet skin.  Ben's belly laughs as he took control of the water and sprayed me down made it even more magical.  I showed Ben how to leave wet swimsuit marks on the porch which was amazing to him.

I do have an inner child and for the first time in a long time it has been let out to see the sun.  It was free.  I was my child's best friend today and we both enjoyed our extended time together immensely.  There was no whining, no patience drained.  In fact it was hardly even tapped into.  Ben chatted away happily at dinner time and the whining of yesterday was replaced by laughter today.

Today was a gift.  I hope tomorrow will be one too.

What Happens at Two... Continued

There were so many good suggestions and helps and reassurances from all ya'll on facebook and in real life and here on this blog that I've decided to do a follow up post on what I've learned and decided to implement.

So, what have I learned?

1.  I have the coolest, best, perfectly wonderful loving support system in the world.  That's you guys in case you missed it.

2.  Ben understands more than I think.  Which is something that I kind of knew, but it's one of those things that still takes me by surprise because he has not mastered the art of language to let me know he understands.

3.  He's still little.  As in it is easy to forget that he's just a little guy with very little experience in this world even though he's running around all over asserting his independence.  He's finding new things to do and he thinks they are awesome when I think they are annoying or just plain inappropriate bad behavior.  He has to be taught what is right and wrong and that's my job.

4.  I have learned that Ben will be more content at meal times if he has had time to play beforehand.  Especially breakfast.  I too often have made the mistake of having breakfast ready for him right when he gets up when in reality he needs some time to decide that he's okay being up, and then another short stint of time to play and reacquaint himself with the toys he was loathe to leave behind for the irritating purpose of sleeping.

5.  I have learned that there are times when time out is the best thing in the entire world.

6.  I have learned that Ben acts up and earns himself a time-out when he either doesn't get his way or I have been ignoring him for an extensive amount of time.  The later one eliciting the more serious and explosive ear-splitting volumes.  I have learned that the best way to snap him out of it is to wrestle him (and at this point it is a wrestle) into a hug.  It takes him a moment but he melts into me and wraps his arms around my neck and I hold him tight and then we both forgive each other.

7.  I have learned that a lot of times it's better for me to go with him when he slips his hand around my finger to pull me away from what I'm doing because so very often it is to do something simple that he can't do for himself.  Like fill his sippy cup, or get the sock monkey out of the crib.  He just needs a little help to get something done and then he's content to go and play without me and I can return to my work sans tears and trauma.

8.  I have learned that there is still so very much to learn.

So, with all of this new-found/newly-remembered information, just what will I do?

1.  Quiet time during the day.  This idea I love with all my heart.  It might be a little tricky finding the best time to do this but I feel in my heart of hearts that it will be totally worth it.  He actually does pretty well in church most of the time.  There are days when that's not the case, but rarely.

2.  It's time to be more insistent that he pick up after himself and I need to teach him how.  I need to be consistent.  And sometimes that is really, really hard.

3.  Rather than try to "fix" everything at once, my husband and I will discuss what is most important to us... what will have he biggest impact for all of us and take the time to make sure it is worth the effort.  The last thing I want to do is spin my wheels in frustration over something that really doesn't matter in the long run.

4.  We will be keeping a strict bedtime for him despite his "energy crisis".  We put him down, make the room as dark as possible and it's up to him whether he stays down or not.  If he yells for us, we will go to him, figure out what he needs and inform him that we will not be coming in again. So far this has worked really well.  He's not going to sleep as early as I would like, but he's not yelling/crying/screaming either. I have found that the best way for me to handle him not going to sleep at his bedtime is for me to stop listening to the monitor.  If he needs something he can yell loud enough and that way every little sound that comes from the monitor isn't adding to my anxiety.

So there's the recap.  I think what I a really learning is how to be a parent.  First time parent, first time kid... we've all got a lot to learn.

Is it really Tuesday?

Today feels like Wednesday.  Like I should be doing Wednesday things instead of whatever it is I do on Tuesday.  Usually that entails getting all dolled up in my husband's old work clothes, forsaking makeup, and hitting the yard hard.  But today?  Today, not so much.

Today started on a bad last night.  My son has been having trouble sleeping since Saturday night.  He's got a dang cold (grr!) and because of my stellar parenting, he had heat rash.  We were at a BBQ with friends and spent a good chunk of time in the great outdoors.  Neither one was completely evident till Sunday.  In fairness I have never had heat rash myself so I wasn't so much on the lookout for it.  And we did put a hat and sunscreen on the little tike.  But that's neither here nor there.  What is here and there was the fact that due to both (and teething, I almost forgot that never ending saga!) so due to all three, my son has not slept through the night since Saturday.  And not just a little wake-up cry and go back to sleep, but a "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth hold me till I calm down and I'll see you again in a few hours" kind of wake-up call. 

Fortunately, he is taking naps and little by little his cold and the heat rash are subsiding.  In fact, last night he was not up again after 2 am.  But me?  Oh no, not me.  I woke up at 2 to his cries, gave him a little cuddle and sent him back to bed and then couldn't go back to sleep myself!  In fact I was awake till 4:30 silently weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth because sleep would just. not. come and I was so very tired.  Even after 4:30 it was a fitful sleep full of tossing and turning and thinking that I could hear Ben crying again.

So today.  Tuesday.  The day that was scheduled for productivity and one more section of yard cleared by the sweat of my brow... well, it's kind of been a bust. And I'm okay with that.  There's still tomorrow to mow the lawn.  The tree stumps can wait another week, heaven knows they'll still be there.  (Did I tell you that I have dug out 17 stumps all by myself this year? 17!! I feel pretty good about that.)  Instead I took a nap.  I went for a walk with Ben and let him play at the park for a bit.  I pretended to do the dishes and have opted for salads for dinner because then I don't have to cook.  I will still forsake the make-up because it's almost 3pm right now and what's the point.  I will let go.  I will be content to do the bare minimum.  I will let my mind wander and should it start making lists of what "should be done" I will make it stop.  Today I will be okay with what has been done.

Today I will just be.

A special little rant...

Dear friends,

It's been awhile.  I gave my laptop a home in the basement and it's been good mostly.  Good because I'm not spending nearly as much time checking email or facebook or anything else.  It's given me some breathing room that I needed.  You see it used to be in the kitchen and it was just too easy to check something "real quick" while making breakfast and then get myself trapped, and off schedule and behind in every other part of my life.

The bad part is that now I have to intentionally get on the computer.  I have to make time instead of stealing it.  Not the easiest thing to do sometimes.  But occasionally, something so... amazing? happens that the time is made.  Like now.

Last Saturday we went to the park as a family.  David's parents and brothers were up for Easter and we were all enjoying the sunshine.  It was also Ben's first experience at the park and there were a gazillion kids, as we knew there would be.  But it was fun.  David and I were experiencing things through new eyes and were excited to introduce Ben to the joys of slides, which he cried on, and swings, which he loved, and walking on the grass, which he barely tolerated.  Being unsure how he would handle it, we were understandably very close at all times, especially when he was going up the stairs on the playground equipment, scared to death that he would trip and fall out the open sides.

There was another couple watching us.  They were younger, as most people with small children are.  They were friendly enough though.  After a little small talk the mother asked "Is he your first?"  We beamed proudly and answered in the affirmative.  She replied "No wonder you still act like he's special. After two or three you'll get over it."

Neither David nor myself knew how to respond to this.  We must have said something, or maybe just laughed a little awkwardly and then made our way away from her and her three children who apparently are not special anymore because she's gotten over it.

Perhaps it's weird but I felt a little wounded.  Like I had been weighed, measured and found wanting.  Like I obviously did not "get" what this parenthood thing was all about.  That I must not have enough experience with children because if I did I would realize that I didn't need to treat my kid like he's something special because after three they are all ordinary.  Same.  Nothing to be celebrated.

This experience reminded me of that of another friend.  One who also has an only child.  She was told that she wasn't a "real" mother since she only had the one.  Weighed, measured, and found wanting.  Like she hadn't carried her son for 9 months.  Like she didn't love him and worry about him and lose sleep over him the way a mother does.  Like if you don't have at least three or four munchkins running around creating havoc then you aren't a "real" mother because it's all about the battle scars and the more you have the more qualified you are.  What a load of crap.

I sat down with my mother-in-law and told her about this little one-liner experience.  She was a bit taken aback as well which made me feel better.  I wondered what the woman would have said if I had responded with something like: "I'm sorry that your children are no longer special, that must be difficult for them." or "I won't have to worry about two or three since I'm barren and it's a miracle we have this one." Toss a little awkwardness back.

In fairness to the mom at the park, she may have just been tired.  She may not have realized how her words would sound when she said them.  I know that she didn't know us and our situation.  She may have just seen an overprotective set of parents following their child around the park desperately wanting him to have a good time and not get hurt. 

In fairness to me, my child is special.  Every child is special. Each little spirit has something to give to this world.  That does not mean that my child is perfect or that he will get away with murder.  Because he doesn't and he won't.  I want to be able to enjoy every minute of his little life, but that's just unrealistic.  I love him with all my heart, but sometimes naptime can't come quickly enough.  I also believe that part of my job as a parent is raising a child with enough discipline that other people will like him too.  That is not an easy task either.  But even in the midst of a meltdown, my child is still special.  If the Lord sees fit to bless us with another little miracle, and rest assured a miracle it will be, then I plan on treating that new little spirit as special and welcome and joyful and delightful as my first.

So.  Moral of the rant?  Be careful what you say.  Be careful how you react.  And for goodness sake remember that your children are special.

Bringing in April with a bang,

Lora

Some Thoughts on This Motherhood Thing

I LOVE being a mom.  Love.

Even if I'm doing everything wrong.  Even if my house looks like it belongs on the set of a natural disaster movie.  Even if I am sleep deprived and have absolutely no idea what dinner will be.  I love it.

Why, you may ask, do I love it?  With the diaper changes and the spit up and the crying and fussing and feeding and constant laundry and no time to myself... how could I possible love this? 

Because whether it's 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon, when I cuddle my little boy and sing him a song or tell him a story to help him go back to sleep, and he nestles his little face close to me and smiles at me around his pacifier... I could be content for the rest of my life.

Never has sleep deprivation come with so much love, so much joy.  No finished assignment, or house cleaning project, or spell of alone time has ever made me laugh quite as much as my little man or brought as much peace.  Nothing has ever been able to readjust my attitude like his myriad of facial expressions.

Sometimes I wake up and can't believe that we have a child.  That he's really with us, he's really ours.  I keep trying to memorize the way that he feels in my arms right now.  I don't want to forget it.  I know this time will go so quickly and I really do want to enjoy every moment.  So I have a gazillion pictures that will bore most people to tears, a box of clothes that he's grown out of already, and as many memories as I can make to help me remember the yesterdays and todays before tomorrow sneaks up on us and takes those memories away.  Before he's walking and talking and getting ready for school.

Some Observations on This Whole Thing

This whole thing being the motherhood thing, and I guess other random things as well.  Some were anticipated, some... well, were not.

1.  I completely underestimated the sheer amount of laundry that this little guy would bring into the house. Piles and piles of soft fluffy fabrics and itty bitty confetti-like socks.  All doused in some bodily fluid or another.  Good thing nothing stinks yet!

2. I'm pretty sure the only reason it snowed last week was because I could finally put on regular shoes.  That's right my friends, the ankles are back with a vengeance!  The day they were not swollen I was surprised at how delicate they looked!  Which means they were swollen for a really really really long time.

3.  I've finally accepted the fact that my schedule is run by my son regardless of what is on my agenda for the day.  I can merely try.  I am becoming comfortable with failure.

4.  David is much better at putting Benjamin to sleep than I am.  I think it's his voice.  Or the fact that by the end of the day my patience is severely depleted.

5.  I'm so glad that we have 11 am church.  9 would probably rendered me inactive.

6.  My brain is only performing at a fraction of it's capabilities.  I feel that I must apologize to lots of people for having AADD in the middle of a conversation.

7.  Sometimes Ben giggles in his sleep.  Yes, giggles.  And he occasionally smiles.  A real one.  I don't think he knows he's doing it, but it is definitely a smile.  It even lasts awhile.

That is all.  Oh, and yesterday was the two week mark.  Seems like a lot longer than that!  He's already taken up wrestling though.  However, the bear just might win this one.  Happy Tuesday everyone. 

A few things.

1.  Today while I was changing Benjamin's diaper I thought "huh, this whole time I've been changing his diaper he hasn't once done the classic boy trick of peeing as soon as the diaper is off... my boy has such control!"  And then he peed all over!  I laughed.  He was relieved.  Blankets, clothes, changing pad... all in the wash.  Apparently he was waiting till he was completely full to make his debut.

2.  When David and I checked into the hospital to get things started, I had a little bit of a freak out when I had to sign papers for Benjamin in the "parent/legal guardian" section.  And then to put relationship to patient as "Mother" almost did me in.

3.  David had to pick up a prescription for the little guy and did the same thing at the pharmacy.

4.  The whole sleepless nights thing is really starting to hit. 

5.  All I want to eat is chocolate chip cookies.

6.  The hospital staff stressed how important it is to stay away from sugar while breastfeeding.

7.  I may be doomed.

8.  I put on regular underwear. :)  Not so much regular pants, but we're taking it one step at a time.

9.  I had a whole afternoon yesterday when I thought Benjamin was starting to resent me.  It freaked me out.  But then my husband reminded me of #4 on this list.  We went to bed early that night.

10.  Both feet, 1 1/2 ankles, and one leg are still hanging on to the swollen/cankle stage.  Riddle me that Batman.  I'd post a picture but it's kind of disgusting.

Here's a better picture anyway.  1 week old today!