Survival.

Do you ever have those times when you feel you are at the end of your rope. There is just so much that needs to be done or dealt with that you a) can see no end in sight and b) can see no way out of it. Escape simply isn’t an option. You and you alone have to face the tasks that have been so graciously set upon your plate.

I have a few different ways that I deal with life at these times… or rather react at these times.

1- Auto Pilot. Like a wind up toy I just get up I the morning and keep on going. I find safety and comfort in routine. I try not to think about my list of things to do because then I will realize I’m walking along the edge of a cliff and if I may fall at any time. I just do it. I get things accomplished and by the end of the day things don’t look all that bad.

2- Analyzer. I prioritize. I take the list, dissect it and find out what is really important. I throw the lesser things out or push them to another time, another day. I find out what tasks upon completion would relieve the most stress.

3- Ostrich. I bury my head in the proverbial sand and hide from everything. I stay in bed. If I keep my eyes closed and lay in this safe warm place then things have to change right?

That is where I found myself this morning. As an Ostrich. The protective powers of the average blanket are amazing. They ward off monsters under the bed and the responsibilities of adulthood. But unlike monsters that go away with the coming of daylight, the responsibilities of adulthood stick around no matter how much light is in the room. In fact, sometimes they multiply.

Fortunately after ignoring the alarm clock for a bit longer than ever anticipated, I was able to get up and Auto Pilot kicked in. Life does go on and somehow we manage to keep going and even crack a smile every once in awhile. I am currently in my office, secretly wishing that Ostrich had taken a stronger hold and I was still in bed while writing this. But I am not. Like most of us hiding under the covers isn’t a luxury we can afford to have… at least not without some careful planning and scheduled time off. Is that what being adult is? Scheduling?

So, what do you do to get through the day? What helps you continue to put one foot in front of the other? Seriously, I want to know. I’m always on the lookout for more ideas to keep on going. If nothing else it makes me feel normal to know I’m not the only one that has these kind of days.

Simplify

"With our pitchers, we attempt sometimes to water a field, not a garden."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I've been trying to simplify my life lately. It seems to always come after Christmas when every nook and cranny is full of something related to the Christmas season. The candlestick holders are adorned with red ribbon. The already full book shelves have holiday figurines keeping them company. House plants find a new home while the nativity is set out for a temporary showing. Then it is time to take every thing down.

Sometimes a bare wall is soothing to the already troubled and cluttered world. The nook and crannies not only become deprived of their holiday visitors, but seem to lose some of their regular occupants as well. It's a time to go through the sometimes massive amounts of stuff and re-think their value. Some items simply get boxed up for awhile until I miss their company in which they will make a reappearance at a later date. Other, less sentimental? get boxed up and shipped off to the second hand store where I'm positive someone will find them, take them home and love them as I once did. Either way, I find it easier to breathe.

I've been reading "Gift From the Sea" by Anne Marrow Lindbergh. It's a very thought provoking book, small but significant. One that even though you could read it in a day you would be cheating yourself in doing it. I confess it did spark this post, but not the need to de-clutter. I go through that every January. The tree goes out and the room opens up and airs itself out. I sit in my living room and find that my mind is less strangled. The openness of the room gives my sense of self permission to do it's own airing out. Take stock of what's been cluttering up my mind and decide if it has use or enough sentimental value to take up the space. In the limited amount of energy that I have through out the day is this worth dwelling on?

If only it were as simple as clearing off a shelf.

How do you clear your head and take stock of your life?

Companionship

I've been thinking a lot lately about companionship and my need for it sometimes and my desperate need to be alone sometimes. I think we all have those days when you just want the entire world to leave you alone for a few blessed hours while you collect yourself. No? just me? Not sure I believe that.

I've found myself doing odd things lately. Like taking simple tasks (getting primary manuals to teachers) and making it difficult. "Here, instead of me just taking my portion around by myself because I have the easier time getting away from it all, how about I make it difficult and have someone else come with me who happens to have children and it means some coordination and timing and isn't said person's responsibility anyways." Phew! Fortunately I came to my senses and a prompt email said "Hey I'm an idiot, don't worry about it, I will do it all by myself like a big girl." K, so it happened, get over it right?!

Well I can't help but ask myself why I do these silly things in the first place. So I shall ponder it in the willy-nillyness of my blog, where you dear readers can choose to ignore it, laugh at the ridiculousness of it, think about it yourselves, comment on it, or just go on with life thankful that you don't have to be me right now.

I used to be one of those people who were so independent that I went to movies and dinner by myself. (no, this did not have any reflection on my dating life... or at least I think it didn't.) I would take a book, sit down at Formosa, enjoy my tiny spicy chicken (which sounds really good about right now) and the printed word on the pages of whatever novel or school book was currently on the reading list. I even used to prefer doing visiting teaching by myself, of course that was mostly because it was so difficult to get 3 schedules to sync and if it was going to get done I would just do it. I enjoyed those times. I enjoyed the productivity of it all.

So how did I go from Miss Independent to Miss Help Me I Can't Do Anything By Myself? I'm not really sure. I think marriage had something to do with it. It's so nice to have David there as my perma-date/sounding board/dish helper/movie watcher/grocery shopper/generally go anywhere with me guy. Perhaps if he weren't such a good husband then I wouldn't have some of these problems? No that can't be it. Besides that's too simple and answer that requires little to no painful soul searching and I don't want my husband to stop doing thing with me. Maybe a deeper look will help.

Perhaps it is my fear of people. I know, sounds a little odd. I guess it's not so much a fear of people as what they think of me. Didn't I give that up years ago!? Didn't I come to the realization that it is ever so much easier to live when you just don't care what other people think and you go about your business the best way you know how? Of course, but that doesn't mean it stays gone forever. It kind of sneaks up on me like a little gnome and works it's way so cleverly back into my life that before I know it that little fear that I threw out of my life has perched itself right on my shoulder and taken shotgun in my journey through life. (the picture makes sense now huh.)

So where to now? It's time once again to throw the little guy out. I declare my independence once again, just more realistically. Let's face it, I like going out to eat with people and movies too. I like companionship. However, I don't have to have it all the time, especially if it puts other people out. When it is my responsibility and mine alone, who am I to drag someone else into it with me? I am a big girl and I can take care of things all by myself. So to those of you who have been the victim of an absurd need for company in doing small and simple no-company-required things. My apologies.

I will now do my best to do my duty... wait, I'm not a scout! But then again there's a lot to learn from those guys. So yes, I will do my best to do my duty to God and I suppose I better throw my country in with it. However I will add my primary presidency onto the list and my co-workers to. Don't we all have enough on our plates that the last thing we need is to have a healthy portion of 'stupid' heaped upon it? Now, does that relieve you from your duty dear reader? No. I don't want an extra portion of 'stupid' either. You can take care of your own too.

New Year Thoughts

The missionaries came over for dinner tonight. Mostly because David forgot to find people from the ward to have them over dinner, but truthfully I didn't mind one bit. It's been a long time since we've had them over and it was a nice chance to sit and remember my own mission. I won't bore you with the details since it's only really interesting to me, but I'm sure getting a replica of my head in the mail (pinata style of course) was also interesting for Sister Pratley. If she had any doubts about the sanity of me and my family up to that point it was solidified that day.

Anyway, back to the here and now, it was nice having them in our home. It has prompted me to reflect on my life right now. And since it is a time for "new beginnings" then why not! In one of my meetings a spiritual thought was given and I wrote it down. "If you are not as close to the Lord as you used to be, who moved?"

I've been thinking about that statement. I remember well the mission days when 2 hours of gospel study was the norm. Praying always was a way of life. I knew that coming home would introduce new challenges, and there really was no way that I would have realistically expected 2 hours of gospel study to continue being the norm. However, I also didn't think I would be as casual as I sometimes am when it comes to gospel study either.

I don't write this to make myself or anyone else feel guilt or remorse, but simply to take a good look. Is this where I want to be? Am I comfortable with my level of faith in God? Do I really trust him? Do I really know him? The theme for Primary this year is "I Know My Savior Lives". The instruction to Primary presidencies is as follows:

Through the witness of the Holy Ghost, the children will learn that because of the central role of Jesus Christ in our Heavenly Father's plan, they can have faith in Him. The children will also learn that their faith will grow stronger as they keep the commandments, serve, share the gospel, follow the example of the Savior, and prepare for His Second Coming.

It's the simple truths that are taught in Primary and yet I feel so inadequate. It's a good thing that this is the Lord's work and not mine. Can you just imagine the mess I would make! Sheesh!

So that is my pondering for the coming year. Sure I could make resolutions to lose weight, take up painting, go sky-diving, and any other number of things, but who's kidding who? I'm going to be lucky to make it out of this year alive! What I really want is to be closer to God so I can enjoy life more even when things don't turn out according to plan. I want peace of mind. Really that can only come one way. And with God, that might not be too much to ask for.

May the New Year bring all that you hope for and if it doesn't, at least keep a smile on your face.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Reflections and Other stuff

Things of note that should be mentioned lest they be forgotten.

1. Thanks Tawyna and Isaac for having us over for New Years! What a hoot! and I loved the dip though my body did not. Totally worth it though.

2. I don't remember being this tired of Christmas this early before. When did I become Scrooge?

3. My Christmas slippers have stopped shedding on me. Happy.

4. Next year I want to start all over on Christmas decorations. Especially the tree. I want maroon ornaments and white crocheted snowflakes... I already have some but need more. Anyone know where I can get some. I suppose I could always learn to make them myself... hmm.

5. I'm kind of excited for normalcy and routine to take back the reins of my life. I seem to get much more accomplished that way.

6. I only made 3 cut out snowflakes this year. Seriously. Scrooge.

7. I still love the crunch of snow.

8. I wish I could finish painting around the light fixtures in our house.

9. I wish our fireplace was not just decorative but functional as well.

10. I love the Lord of the Rings movies. That pretty much makes me the coolest sister-in-law in David's family. It matters not that I'm the only sister-in-law.

Bah Humbug.

Christmas Day

Christmas Day.

We woke up bright and early

and watched nieces and nephews open presents.

We spent the night at Jarom and Melissa's home

and got to spend the morning with their three kids.

It was so fun being able to watch

their faces light up with joy.

Isn't it that much more fun to watch a child

rather than spend it without.

Unfortunately I didn't get photos of our actual Christmas morning

but I was able to get some at mom and dad's

though even then I failed miserably at getting pics of everyone.

oh well!

The boys playing with Christmas.

See what I have to put up with!

What is it with kids and little chairs.

Axel couldn't fit but we sure got a kick out of watching him try.

To the founder of the feast.. or at least part of it.

Alex dazzled us with his dutch oven prowess.

Just us, enjoying the day.

Be of Good Cheer

"Be of good cheer and accept what comes your way."

This was given in a talk today at church. It was a blessing given by President Monson, then a counselor in the first presidency, to a the sister of one of the women in my ward. She had cancer. She passed away, not sure how long after, but she had peace in her heart. How difficult is it to be of good cheer no matter what.

My patience and good cheer was certainly tried today. Being the Sunday after Christmas it was inevitable that people would be missing, particularly primary teachers. Substitutes were hunted but not too many were to be found. In fact, I ended up teaching the entire Junior primary with my husband because there were some no-shows. Armed with a lesson manual, plenty of pictures, papers and crayons, David and I braved the 11 children ages 4-6 with faith in our hearts and purpose in our eyes. I'm still not entirely sure what happened but in about 4 minutes time I felt completely out of control. Perhaps it was my extended late nights accumulating in severe sleep deprivation (and we want kids!) but I think if I would have had duct tape there would have been at least two either taped securely to their seats or with a goodly portion of the stuff across their mouths. Thank heavens for David who was able to keep a calm head about him. He told stories and helped move things along in a more spiritual direction. I on the other hand was frazzled. Nothing but frazzled. I wanted to come home and cry.

Be of good cheer and accept what comes your way no matter what. Apparently I need a little more work in that direction... cheerfulness and all. I am willing to try though. Might make a good new years resolution.

When did this happen?

When did I turn so cynical? So full of the "reality" of life that I pick things apart.

Let me start from the beginning. I just finished reading Stephanie Meyer's "The Host". I'm pretty sure that I won't spoil anything for anyone because if you've been sucked into the "Twilight" series then you already know she has an affinity for happy endings. This is where my cynicism comes in.

After finishing "The Host" and I must say I really did enjoy the read. It was much more adult than her other books and I found myself sucked into the characters whether I wanted to be or not. The main character, Wanda, was definitely a Meyer's character though. Impossibly good and self-sacrificing but it's okay because she's from a different planet, not subject to human foibles, and therefore easier to swallow. Naturally there was the love interest because you have to have it. Isn't our ability to love and hate with equal fervor so very human?

K, on with my internal struggle. As I read praise for the book consisting of such phrases as "no matter how much pain her characters suffer, Meyer infuses the tales with light and hope," I found myself rolling my eyes if not outward at least in my head. Then it hit me... what happened to me? When did I start becoming this cynical person that thinks light and hope in literature is unrealistic. Why shouldn't we have hope? Why shouldn't we write stories that actually do have a happy ending without being a fairy tale? Just what's wrong with having your cake and eating it too? Then I had to ask myself... do I really think this way or am I being altogether too hard on Ms. Meyer because I was so utterly disappointed in the ending of the Twilight series... hmmm.

So, here's to hope. Turning the page, starting anew with a brighter outlook, less cynicism, more hope in the reality of a new and beautiful day. May it lace your thoughts with beauty and not be too cheesy in literature.