It's a Disease I Tell Ya!

Today, and really for awhile now, I have been struck by a disease.  It's called "Perfect-Stay-At-Home-itis".  I didn't know that I had it.  The symptoms were subtle and could easily be confused with other conditions such as Why-can't-I-get-one-d@mn-thing-done-itis,  Where-did-all-the-cookies-go syndrome, and Do-I-have-turrets-because-I'm-cussing-a-lot-more malady.

It became apparent that something was definitely wrong today.  Why today?  Why not today.  I tried to do the laundry.  Majority is still sitting in piles on the floor of the laundry room.  Breakfast was a handful of dry Life cereal and a glass of lemonade left over from Ben's baby blessing on Sunday.  After I bathed I put on the same clothes as yesterday and hoped they didn't smell like spit up.  I didn't get the chicken out in time to have it thawed for dinner.  In the hopes of surprising my husband I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies but was unable to finish baking them before needing to take care of wee child.  Dinner was a fend for yourself affair which means I ate half my body weight in said pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  After the first 5 or so I felt bad because I was going to be so very good and start eating healthier which then caused a downward spiral of which I will not tell you how many I actually ate because I lost track.  I complained because I didn't have time to take a walk.  My husband said, go now, I'll finish baking the cookies.  But I felt too disgusting and refused to.  How could I possibly be a martyr if I was actually able to take the walk I complained about missing!

To clarify:  I have absolutely NO delusions about being able to keep a clean house or a fully organized life while taking care of my child.  None.  Never have had them.  I had 36 years to watch and learn and get a reality check.  The laundry would never be finished.  The floors would never get mopped at the same time.  An all the way clean kitchen is a luxury.  Getting the bed made in the morning gets brownie points somewhere, and a grown woman with braids in her hair because there is simply no time to get it dry before the magic errand-running window closes up for the day is perfectly acceptable.  In fact, when visiting people with smallish children in the home I'm more surprised to find things clean! 

No sir.  No delusions here.  However, even though I had no delusions of being able to keep up with stuff, I still had the guilt.  The guilt that said somehow, someway, if I was a good stay at home mom then I should totally be able to keep up with this stuff.  I mean, I quit my job!  Did that mean I had "extra" time to do stuff?  To clean, to cook, to make things sparkly?  Because, you know, it was my job that was hindering the whole cooking/cleaning thing right?  No.  It wasn't the job, it was the child.  The wonderful child that I absolutely love to pieces.  He's the reason the house is a mess and my laundry is still on the floor.

So today, as it came to an end and I had treated my husband terribly because I ate too many cookies and felt bad.  Today as I sent him back out the door to the young men's activity all worried about what kind of a state he would find me in when I got home.  Today, as I continued to eat more cookies because half of my body weight wasn't enough and what else was I going to do for dinner... I started to have myself a think.  To analyze my behavior and try to figure out why I was feeling so... bleck.  So distraught.  Wondering how I could feel so overwhelmingly loving in some aspects and so completely empty in others. 

That's when I recognized the guilt.  The self-imposed guilt.  The guilt that was based on the unachievable.  The guilt that really and truly has no place in my life or anyone else's.  The guilt that doesn't let me forgive myself for not being perfect.  It consumes and sucks the joy out of things like pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and taking walks I didn't think I'd be able to.  Evil, evil guilt!

As I thought about this and began to recognize the dreaded evil guilt for what it really is... of the devil! I  smartly decided to take advantage of Do-I-have-turrets-because-I'm-cussing-a-lot-more malady and wisely tell this guilt to "go to hell!"  Right back where it came from.

There.  I feel better now.  I might just have another cookie.

Good-Bye

I hate good-byes.  Hate.

They are never fun.  At least the real good-byes.
The kind that mean real change.
The kind that take you away from people, places, and things.

Last week was one of good-bye.
I quit my job.
The job that I have had in some degree for almost 6 years.
The job that has put me through hell at times and had me flying higher than a kite at others.
It's not the job that I have a hard time saying good-bye to though.
It's the people.

The people that make me laugh.
The people that laugh at me.
The people that genuinely care about me.
The people that I genuinely care about.

It's those kind of good-byes that are hard and awkward.
The kind that I pretend that I don't have to do.
That kind that sometimes I really don't do... even though it really is Good-Bye.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This was a Gypsy Mama 5-Minute Friday prompt and couldn't have been more appropriate.

How Old do I Really Look?

Okay.  Give it to me straight.  Just how old do I really look?

How about now?

Okay, how about now?

No really.  I can totally handle it!

On Saturday I went grocery shopping.  The Saturday before Easter.  It was a mad house with everyone trying to get their Easter feast purchased in time for the actual event.

I was among the mad house.  It wasn't too bad though.  It's something that I've come to expect when grocery shopping on Saturdays.  However, that is not the point of this story.  That comes with the cashier.  And her friendliness.  And her eagerness to "bond" with me.

Sometimes eager cashiers get on my nerves.  Sometimes I just want to skip the conversation and just pay and get out.  This was an exception. I was in a good mood.  So the conversation went something like this:

Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Sure did!

C: Have any fun plans this evening?

M: not really, just getting ready for Easter.

C: That sounds fun.  Do you still have children young enough to enjoy Easter?

My internal dialogue: Did she really just say that? Just how old does she think I am?  I only have a not even 2 month old child!  I'm only 36!  I'm barely old enough to have an.... 18-year old...  Huh.  I'm kind of old aren't I?  Not old old, just old enough to maybe not get offended when someone thinks that I'm not 21 anymore.  Or even 29.

My out loud response:  Nope!  In fact I only have 1 child and he's just barely 7 weeks. 

C: Oh. (pause) Not quite old enough to really get what's going on yet then.

M: Nope. But we are having some friends over for dinner though.

C: Well that will be fun.

M: It will!

C: Have a good evening.

M: You too.

My dear friends of the internet blogging and real life world. If I want people to think that I'm younger than I am, it may have nothing to do with my hairstyle or facial expressions...I better just carry my child with me!

How about now?

Light

Light is in my heart today
It started yesterday at church

We got to bring Benjamin to church for the first time and he did so very well.  He cooed in his sleep and gave those sleepy half closed eyes smiles

That was the beginning of the light

Then the choir sang.  "Come Unto Jesus"
As the first acapella notes floated over the congregation and next to me
I struggled to keep my eyes from filling up with tears
My heart was full
My heart was light

Relief Society brought more
The lesson was music
Music that speaks to you and me
Testimony music
My choice was "For the Beauty of the Earth"
It's always made my heart happy

As we sang hymn after hymn after hymn
There was more light in my heart
I imagined that if it could, it would shoot out of the ends of my fingertips

It carried over through today
My heart truly is light

Some random facts

1.  I have a lot of "work" blogs in my google reader account.  There was a time when I read them.  I don't anymore.  I don't even look at the pictures.  But I still subscribe to them because I like how rebellious I feel when I hit "mark all as read".  It makes me smile inside.

2.  Cadbury mini eggs and those chocolate covered marshmallow eggs that come in the carton are my all time favorite Easter candy.  I have to limit myself.  One bag and 2 cartons per Easter season.  They have already been eaten.  Happy early Easter everyone.

3.  I abhor counting calories.  So I don't.

4.  My baby slept 6 1/2 whole hours straight last night.  I did not.  I kept on waking up wondering if he was going to wake up.

5.  I also like Robin Eggs, but not as much as the others.

6.  I actually did a real work out routine yesterday.  I had no idea my thighs could get that flabby.  Huh.

7.  Several weeks ago I posted on facebook that I had showered, done the dishes, fed Ben, and gotten him dressed and it was all before 10am.  It has not happened since.  I knew it was a fluke.

8.  a picture

With messages like this, we should all eat more Dove!  What a self esteem booster!

Photos...

Happy Spring.

Gift

Life is a gift.
As I sit here at my laptop that's on its last leg and think of the bills that need to be paid, the things that need to be saved for, the car that needs to be replaced and the one that needs to be serviced...the unexpectedness of life... its seems the last thing that would be associated with these things is the word gift.

A neighbor stopped by a couple of days ago for a visit with her girls.  She asked how I was doing, how the little one was doing, and then we just chatted.  As we talked about life and plans for the future I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of gifts that have been given to me.  Not the obvious baby gifts, but the more lasting gifts.   The ones that don't seem like gifts at first.  Like the gift of a failed plan.  The gift of broken will.  The gift of a failed adoption.  The gift of infertility.  The gift of cut hours.  The gift of a part time job.

I know, none of those seem like gifts, but we have been so very blessed because of those very things.  There are people my life that I wouldn't have known otherwise.  Activities that I have come to love that wouldn't have happened.  Even the home that I live in and the neighbors that come with it are a gift.  Unexpected.  Unplanned for.  Most assuredly a gift.

Loud

 

Everything is loud in the morning 
Everything
The smallest wimper
The lightest breath
The ticking of the clock
The slight snore coming across the pillow

Even my thoughts are loud

It's all loud because the morning is when I'm the most tired
The morning is what comes after a long night of little sleep
It's all loud because I'm trying to sneak in a few more quality minutes of blissful slumber
It doesn't happen often
The slumber part

But I can continue trying
right?

~~~~~
This post brought to you by the gypsy mama who posts a 5-minute Friday prompt.  Since I rarely am on time with anything, you just get what you get.