A Little Bit of Christmas

I absolutely adore Christmas.  This year was no exception.  There was so much more that I wanted to do, but sickness came to our house and hindered quite a few of my good intentions.  But Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... wonderful.

This was our first year celebrating Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at our own home.  We didn't pack up our gifts and head out of town.  We got to set up Christmas under our own tree.  On Christmas Eve we delivered goodies to our neighbors and wished them well.  We sang Christmas carols and read the Christmas Story from the Bible.  We got ourselves in our matching pajamas and enjoyed the magic that surrounds this time of year.  We watched "It's a Wonderful Life" after setting up Christmas around the tree and then snuggled up together awaiting the coming morning.

Christmas is magical.  The feelings of warmth and love that come without packages and bows are even better than the Christmas morning surprises under the tree.  After opening gifts and taking the time to relax and let everything wash over us, we headed to my mom's house and spent time with family.  Laughing, eating, playing games.  The kids entertained each other.  The fire burned warm and bright.  We talked and laughed late into the night and enjoyed every minute of it for these times don't come nearly as often as we would like.  These times of unrestrained laughter and good feelings despite the late hour, usually only come once a year.  It's the only time where whole communities shut down the daily grind and enjoy giving to each other, relaxing with each other.

May we each try to keep the feelings of good will towards men going longer than the holiday.  Longer than the calendar dictates.  You don't have to have Christmas music to have the Spirit of Christ in your home.  You just need Christ, and he can be with you always.

Merry Christmas my friends.  May the coming year be wonderful.

The Glory of Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Today I had pumpkin chocolate chip cookies straight from the freezer for dinner.  And Ben’s leftover chicken and rice.  He had the peaches all to himself, and all over himself come to think of it.  Accented with a splash of milk right in the eyes.  Self-inflicted of course.

It’s one of those days.  The days where the dishes from last night are still in the sink.  Oh and the dishes from this morning, this afternoon, and this evening.  There’s even toast still on the table.  It’s dry and crusty to the touch but still looks appetizing to an almost 2 year old.  So does the dried bit of fried egg from breakfast.  To my credit I would not let him have it no matter how much he asked.  I simply pushed it aside to add another layer of dishes in order to feed my son.

I did clean up his room though.  But mostly so I wouldn’t trip over anything in the middle of the night should there be a need to come to his rescue over something dangerous like a shadow.  I really wonder what he sees there.  I'm considering tackling the living room as well.  

I’m trying hard to find balance these days.  Sometimes it comes at the expense of letting all the “important” things go and actually focusing on the really important things, like taking care of yourself.  It’s something that I have neglected lately.  It’s like you get going along in life, everything working out well, and you forget that part of the reason it’s working out so well is because you have taken time to get your own cookies in a pile.  Consistently.  And then you stop.  Not intentionally.  Your routine just gets interrupted.  A family party.  A trip to Salt Lake.  A sick child.  What’s one day going to hurt?  What’s two days?  What’s… how many days has it been?  Why am I feeling overwhelmed with things that shouldn’t be overwhelming?  Oh yeah, because I forgot to keep breathing.  I forgot to do those things that help me be awesome.  Those things that fill my cup and allow me to have something to give to my child, my husband, and others who may or may not need it at the time.  That allow me to give to myself. 

So today, after a wonderful but exhausting yesterday, I decided to call it quits.  The dishes can wait.  My peace of mind cannot.  There are leftovers in the fridge so those who want to eat can.  There is plenty of hot water that can be used tomorrow on the dishes.  Today, right now, I need to breathe.

A Little Chocolate Goes a Long Way

I went grocery shopping today.

Naturally the aisles are filled with "holiday cheer" as Christmas is drawing every closer.  Bins of toys and crayons and ties that aren't usually found in grocery stores are now there for the duration, hoping you'll impulse buy.  Sparkly ornaments are hung from the ceiling even as the massive pile of frozen turkeys are waiting to be purchased for the Thanksgiving feast.

I make it a practice to bypass the seasonal aisle because I know that I am weak and mint M&Ms call my name starting the very day of Halloween.  In fact this year I had Christmas music playing while I baked our Jack-O-Lantern pizza.  My husband was ashamed.  I didn't care.  I liked the way the music made me feel, and that particular day I needed the way that Christmas music makes me feel.  All good and warm inside, like all is right with the world.

But back to today.  Saturday.  The Saturday before Thanksgiving with the aisles packed with feast shoppers and people in line anxious to get checked out and on with the day.  Today I saw the display for Sweet's Orange Sticks.

And I cried.

Well I started to and then remembered that I was in public.  That I had to talk to the cashier to let her know that I am fine and then let the bagger know I wanted paper instead of plastic.  No cash back.  Yes I found everything just fine.  No, there are no special plans for today.  Just the box of orange sticks stuck in the cart at the last minute that I'm not even sure I'll eat.

The box of orange sticks that made me weepy.  That reminds me of the holidays because we always had them.  They were special.  They were a treat.  They were Dad's favorite. He always had them during Christmas.  Stashed away in a drawer or on a shelf.  As soon as they hit the shelves dad would get some.  We always knew they would be appreciated as a supplement to his gift.  A gift card to the movies taped to a box of orange sticks.  A box stuffed into his stocking because no one is too old to hang up a Christmas stocking.

A Christmas stocking that won't be hung up this year.  A stocking that won't have a box of orange sticks in it.  Or anything else.

I don't talk about it much but I miss my dad something fierce.  If you ask I'll say I'm doing well.  And usually I am, at the moment.  It's the little things.  The box of chocolates.  The John Deere tractor that has become a favorite toy for Ben.  Sorting photographs and finding one of the last taken of him.  Wishing it were a better one.  Wishing you had tried harder, been a little more insistent that he smile at the camera instead of trying to get one on the sly.  It's the pair of reading glasses that sit in the guest room that belong to him... the ones that I carefully dust around and then put back.  The stupid half roll of Certs that is still in my laundry room because mom washed some of his clothes here while he was recovering from a procedure.

So today I bought a box of orange sticks, set them on my counter, and cried.

All that schtuff...

I am done.

Done with the clutter.

Done with the stashing of things to get to them later.

Done with the stashing of things and forgetting about them till sometimes months later.

Done.

There's no time today.  I have a list of things to do.  People to see.  Groceries to shop for.  I need to get ready for the evening.  I need to get food prepared and stuff ready for Sunday.  I need to ignore the clutter and put my energy into things that need to be done today.  That need to be taken care of for the basic necessities of life.  Ignore the cars everywhere.  Ignore the piles of papers.  Ignore the drawers where things have been shoved because they don't have an actual "spot" in my house.

But I can't.  Today I can't.  While waiting for my husband to get ready to help me with a photo shoot, I took the mail filing system that I carefully crafted two years ago to help organize the madness and I tore it apart.  I ripped the folder out and gutted the black wooden box that housed it all and hung it back up.

I felt better.

The box that had stopped being used for mail and had simply become a place to catch wandering bits of stuff, is empty.  Forever.  I like the way it looks all gaping and open on my wall.  I actually like it again.

I wish that were the only spot.

The thing is, I'm not really all that cluttered.  I mean I have my fair share, but comparatively speaking I'm not bad.  I only have two drawers of chaos.  Only a few surfaces to collect the leftover whatever it is that needs to be looked through, sorted, organized, thrown... processed.  The rest is pretty good.

But still it bugs.  I want everything to have a place and those that don't, I need them to go away.  Forever.  So today I'm ignoring chunks of my official list.  Moving those items to Monday.  Some maybe never.  Today I'm finding things.  Like surfaces and peace of mind.

Wish me luck!

Gratitude Lately

New Years Day 2013

My word of the year was chosen and it was Gratitude.  I wrote about it here. It felt right.  It felt like something that I needed to do.  But lately I have completely neglected it.  The entire month of September is missing and half of October.  You can find my list here.  I just updated it from my journal.  The one that I used to write in daily.  The one that I recorded my thoughts and feelings in.  The one that helped me take stock of the day and find the gratitude.

I stopped writing there as well.  No lists.  No reviewing of the day.  Just blank space.

I had not updated my online list since June.  So today with a little bit of free time on my hands, I got it done.  As I reviewed my paper list and transferred it to digital, I saw the whole Summer pass by.  Some of what I wrote surprised me.  I was also surprised by some things that were missing, things that I thought for sure would have made it on the list.  Particularly my Dad's birthday.  On that day I wrote that I was thankful for my home and my bed.  

This year of gratitude has brought so much more than anticipated.  Events have transpired that have helped me see so many things clearly.  Have helped me become more aware of what is important.  Though I do like my home and my bed and am thankful for both, I'm ever so much more thankful for the people that are in my life.

What I wish I had done with my list was be more specific.  Rather than reference the vague "someone" who helped me or said something or did something, I wish I had called them by name. I wish that I had written a bit more about why I was thankful for these things, these people.

My year has been full.  So very full.  I can't go back and fill in the blanks, but I can look back and see what stands out to me above all else. Here's my list, in no particular order.

I am ridiculously thankful for:

* The Robbins Family. My mom's family.  The people that I can count on to put our crazy loud-mouthed irreverent family group above everything else.  I love you because with or without skit or side dish, you come and talk and laugh and just be together. You show your love through your support and shared laughter.

* My wonderful high school group friends.  Leslie, Tonya, Connie, Angie, Lisa. How on earth did we come together?  I'm so grateful that we did. I'm grateful that we could come together again after this ridiculous amount of time had passed and talk and laugh and not want to leave each other's company.  You truly make my heart happy.

* My single-hood friends from days gone by.  Marissa, Tiffany, Krista, Justin, Tyler, Stacy, John, Kacey, Kristi, Lori, Dan, Kristin, and all those who weren't able to come to the "almost didn't happen" get together.  Thank you for bringing your sense of humor and making the day fun.  Thank you for the good memories of the "glory days".  For hoppin' cars, hacky sacks, Central America, the sign game, Lundstrom central, homemade Star Wars movies, the Mt. Air pool, hammocks, cabin sleep overs, Snake River trips, Merry Christmas Eat Beef, Bob Marley (as opposed to Jacob Marley) snow football, and a plethora of fun and precious memories.  You guys rock.

* The Hubbard Family.  My dad's family.  Some of you I know so well, others not so much.  But for some reason I can't get you all out of my head.  Words can almost not express how grateful I am to have seen so many of you supporting my family when Dad passed away.  In the hustle and bustle of life I actually forgot how many of you there are.  Our shared history, our shared heritage is strong.  Our ties are strong.  I am so thankful for that and for you.

* My Logan friends.  Whatever would I do without you.  Seriously.  You know who you are.  My collection of friends from my current ward and those of days gone by. Book clubs, play groups, therapy sessions of all kinds. More shared laughter than I know what to do with.  Shared tears as well.  Thank you you wonderful women.  Diamonds in the rough.

Thank you all.  You've made my list.  It may not mean much to you, but it does to me.  You bring the spots of glorious color to what could have been a very dreary time.  The sunshine in the rain, the silver lining on those clouds that have been hanging over my head. 

You have my gratitude.

A Few of My Favorite Things

A little bit of the view around here lately.  There have been so many things that just make my heart happy lately.  Here's a few of my favorite things for your looking pleasure.

Show down at the OK Crib, high noon.  Who will the winner be?

I just can't help but love the Little People Green Lantern.

Every day about 3:30 is popcorn time.  A little Phineas and Ferb to go with and the boys have themselves the perfect afternoon break.  Seriously so many perks to having David work at home.

The favorites.  Sock Monkey rules them all, but each takes a turn being the favorite.

This is the sign I made for my bedroom during Scout Camp week. 

This is the window that hangs to the side of my bed.  Perpetual spring is a lovely thing to wake up to.

I gave this to David for Christmas last year.  It still makes me giggle.

A good book and chocolate chips... why yes please.

Happy Wednesday to you all.

Small and Simple

A few weeks ago I broke.  I ran away from home.  I left David with Ben and got in the car and drove away.  I ended up spending the afternoon at Tony Grove in Logan Canyon.  It is one of my all time favorite places.  I used to spend so much time there back in my single days.  It's peaceful there.  It gave me a chance to think.  To think without the needs of others getting in the way.  To think without limitation.  I had nowhere to be.  Ben was in good hands and I just could not handle anything or anyone anymore.

I took my journal and this is part of what I wrote:

   "Is is possible to feel lost and trapped at the same time? I feel pushed into corners.  Corners of habit and routine.  The needs of others.  Expectations, realistic and otherwise.
    I've been burying my feelings with books and television.  Numbing myself with the internet and a full schedule.  Does it make sense now? Lost and trapped?"

 I felt trapped in this life of mine.  Trapped by the routine, the necessary chores, the day to day needs that could only be filled by me.  I felt lost because I didn't remember who I was.  What makes me tick.  I didn't seem to have time to remember that I actually like my life.  That a lot of the life I live is by choice.  My choice. A choice that I honestly do not regret.  So what was the deal?  Why did I break?

I ran with the intention of not coming home until I had something figured out.  I told David that I didn't know when I would be back but I wouldn't be out overnight.  I just didn't know if I would be home at 4 pm or 12 am.  Thankfully my husband is a saint who recognizes a cry for help when he sees it.  He let me go.  I don't think he could have stopped me, but it wasn't a fight.

As I walked around the lake my mind was working overtime.  I was making lists of things that could be lending themselves to my current state.  Dishes, laundry, being in charge of the house, meals, recreation, learning, health, sleep, cleanliness... and on and on and on.

I wrote in my journal.  I escaped into a book.  I walked around the lake and then wrote some more.  What it all boiled down to was 30 minutes.

Before Ben was born, David and I talked about a few things.  I made him promise me that all of our conversations would not revolve around diapers, bottles, etc.  We would talk about politics and world news, books, movies, art.  Of course we talked about diapers and bottles and all the fun baby stuff that comes with the territory, but it was important to me to not be completely consumed by it that I didn't know how to have a regular conversation.

I also made him promise me 30 minutes a day.  30 minutes in which I was not responsible for our son or the house or anything else.  30 minutes that I could use to read or write or just get out of the house.  30 minutes to remember who I am and that I actually like myself.  30 minutes that had not happened in ages.  30 minutes that I stopped taking, I stopped asking for.  There seemed to be too much to do.  To much that had to be done.

I wrote this passage later on in my day of running away:

"I'm sitting by a little stream, listening as the water pours itself over the rocks.  A dragonfly flies by.  The stream is clear and everything is green and lush around it. It finds its way through the obstacles in its path and leaves some of itself behind.  Beautifying things wherever it goes."  

I thought a lot about that stream. Even the obstacles were made better by it.  It gave life.  I want to be that way.  I want to leave things better than I found them.  I want to find my way around the obstacles.  But what happens if the stream dries up?

If you go to Tony Grove early in the Summer, there are streams everywhere.  Especially on some of the hikes.  White Pine was and is a favorite of mine.  Depending on the time of year, you could easily cross 6 or 7 streams on your way.  They are beautiful.  Surrounded by fields of wildflowers.  As the season continues and the heat rises, a lot of those streams dry up.  The vegetation turns yellow and brown and crunches beneath your feet.  The water source dried up.  No more life.

It's pretty simple really.  If you let your water source dry up, if you forget or willingly stop taking time for yourself, instead of being able to beautify things around you just might end up making things crumble instead.

I don't take 30 minutes every day.  With David's work schedule it just wasn't practical anymore. But I do take some time every week.  I'll replace something good (folding the laundry) with something better (take a nap and then fold the laundry with Ben).  Little course corrections to make sure that I don't push myself to the breaking point again.  To make sure that I don't have to run away from everything that I love to remember that I love it.

"...by small and simple things are great things brought to pass"* and at the same time, by small and simple things are great things brought down.  Make sure your small and simple are where you want them to be.

Happy Wednesday my friends.


*Alma 37:6 (Book of Mormon)

A Little More Hope

A good friend gave me this necklace at the perfect time.  It was during the many many doctor visits that my husband and I went through in order to get Ben.  I clung onto this gift like my life depended on it.  For so long I had lived without hope, mainly because hope had become something painful.  Something that seemed to always bring disappointment.

I would sit in church and absently play with the necklace.  Opening and shutting it repeatedly, taking comfort in the click of the clasp.  It was my worry stone.  It was my good luck charm.  It was a reminder that someone besides the requisite few was thinking of me.  Had thought of me enough to let me know she cared.

I had put the necklace away for awhile.  Not because I didn't like it anymore, but I no longer needed that life line.  I had little hands to hold and cheeks to kiss that were reminder enough that hope had paid off.  That prayers were answered.  That we, I, was so very blessed.

I found it again.  Sitting in my jewelry box with all my other things, waiting patiently for me to stumble across it.  It was like finding an old friend.  I put it on and have once again taken comfort in the click click as I open and shut it.  A reminder to hope once again.

Hope this time is for the future.  For plans to work out, for patience to let them.  Hope that there is good in this world.  Hope that I can make it through the bad times and enjoy the good times.  Both are plentiful, but hope puts a positive spin on even the worst of times.  Hope says there's something more, something to be learned from all this.  Hope that one day I'll look back and mostly see the good.  That the smiles will outweigh the frowns.  The laughter will outshine the tears.

Thank you once again my friend for this needed and treasured reminder.