Gratitude Lately

New Years Day 2013

My word of the year was chosen and it was Gratitude.  I wrote about it here. It felt right.  It felt like something that I needed to do.  But lately I have completely neglected it.  The entire month of September is missing and half of October.  You can find my list here.  I just updated it from my journal.  The one that I used to write in daily.  The one that I recorded my thoughts and feelings in.  The one that helped me take stock of the day and find the gratitude.

I stopped writing there as well.  No lists.  No reviewing of the day.  Just blank space.

I had not updated my online list since June.  So today with a little bit of free time on my hands, I got it done.  As I reviewed my paper list and transferred it to digital, I saw the whole Summer pass by.  Some of what I wrote surprised me.  I was also surprised by some things that were missing, things that I thought for sure would have made it on the list.  Particularly my Dad's birthday.  On that day I wrote that I was thankful for my home and my bed.  

This year of gratitude has brought so much more than anticipated.  Events have transpired that have helped me see so many things clearly.  Have helped me become more aware of what is important.  Though I do like my home and my bed and am thankful for both, I'm ever so much more thankful for the people that are in my life.

What I wish I had done with my list was be more specific.  Rather than reference the vague "someone" who helped me or said something or did something, I wish I had called them by name. I wish that I had written a bit more about why I was thankful for these things, these people.

My year has been full.  So very full.  I can't go back and fill in the blanks, but I can look back and see what stands out to me above all else. Here's my list, in no particular order.

I am ridiculously thankful for:

* The Robbins Family. My mom's family.  The people that I can count on to put our crazy loud-mouthed irreverent family group above everything else.  I love you because with or without skit or side dish, you come and talk and laugh and just be together. You show your love through your support and shared laughter.

* My wonderful high school group friends.  Leslie, Tonya, Connie, Angie, Lisa. How on earth did we come together?  I'm so grateful that we did. I'm grateful that we could come together again after this ridiculous amount of time had passed and talk and laugh and not want to leave each other's company.  You truly make my heart happy.

* My single-hood friends from days gone by.  Marissa, Tiffany, Krista, Justin, Tyler, Stacy, John, Kacey, Kristi, Lori, Dan, Kristin, and all those who weren't able to come to the "almost didn't happen" get together.  Thank you for bringing your sense of humor and making the day fun.  Thank you for the good memories of the "glory days".  For hoppin' cars, hacky sacks, Central America, the sign game, Lundstrom central, homemade Star Wars movies, the Mt. Air pool, hammocks, cabin sleep overs, Snake River trips, Merry Christmas Eat Beef, Bob Marley (as opposed to Jacob Marley) snow football, and a plethora of fun and precious memories.  You guys rock.

* The Hubbard Family.  My dad's family.  Some of you I know so well, others not so much.  But for some reason I can't get you all out of my head.  Words can almost not express how grateful I am to have seen so many of you supporting my family when Dad passed away.  In the hustle and bustle of life I actually forgot how many of you there are.  Our shared history, our shared heritage is strong.  Our ties are strong.  I am so thankful for that and for you.

* My Logan friends.  Whatever would I do without you.  Seriously.  You know who you are.  My collection of friends from my current ward and those of days gone by. Book clubs, play groups, therapy sessions of all kinds. More shared laughter than I know what to do with.  Shared tears as well.  Thank you you wonderful women.  Diamonds in the rough.

Thank you all.  You've made my list.  It may not mean much to you, but it does to me.  You bring the spots of glorious color to what could have been a very dreary time.  The sunshine in the rain, the silver lining on those clouds that have been hanging over my head. 

You have my gratitude.

A Few of My Favorite Things

A little bit of the view around here lately.  There have been so many things that just make my heart happy lately.  Here's a few of my favorite things for your looking pleasure.

Show down at the OK Crib, high noon.  Who will the winner be?

I just can't help but love the Little People Green Lantern.

Every day about 3:30 is popcorn time.  A little Phineas and Ferb to go with and the boys have themselves the perfect afternoon break.  Seriously so many perks to having David work at home.

The favorites.  Sock Monkey rules them all, but each takes a turn being the favorite.

This is the sign I made for my bedroom during Scout Camp week. 

This is the window that hangs to the side of my bed.  Perpetual spring is a lovely thing to wake up to.

I gave this to David for Christmas last year.  It still makes me giggle.

A good book and chocolate chips... why yes please.

Happy Wednesday to you all.

Small and Simple

A few weeks ago I broke.  I ran away from home.  I left David with Ben and got in the car and drove away.  I ended up spending the afternoon at Tony Grove in Logan Canyon.  It is one of my all time favorite places.  I used to spend so much time there back in my single days.  It's peaceful there.  It gave me a chance to think.  To think without the needs of others getting in the way.  To think without limitation.  I had nowhere to be.  Ben was in good hands and I just could not handle anything or anyone anymore.

I took my journal and this is part of what I wrote:

   "Is is possible to feel lost and trapped at the same time? I feel pushed into corners.  Corners of habit and routine.  The needs of others.  Expectations, realistic and otherwise.
    I've been burying my feelings with books and television.  Numbing myself with the internet and a full schedule.  Does it make sense now? Lost and trapped?"

 I felt trapped in this life of mine.  Trapped by the routine, the necessary chores, the day to day needs that could only be filled by me.  I felt lost because I didn't remember who I was.  What makes me tick.  I didn't seem to have time to remember that I actually like my life.  That a lot of the life I live is by choice.  My choice. A choice that I honestly do not regret.  So what was the deal?  Why did I break?

I ran with the intention of not coming home until I had something figured out.  I told David that I didn't know when I would be back but I wouldn't be out overnight.  I just didn't know if I would be home at 4 pm or 12 am.  Thankfully my husband is a saint who recognizes a cry for help when he sees it.  He let me go.  I don't think he could have stopped me, but it wasn't a fight.

As I walked around the lake my mind was working overtime.  I was making lists of things that could be lending themselves to my current state.  Dishes, laundry, being in charge of the house, meals, recreation, learning, health, sleep, cleanliness... and on and on and on.

I wrote in my journal.  I escaped into a book.  I walked around the lake and then wrote some more.  What it all boiled down to was 30 minutes.

Before Ben was born, David and I talked about a few things.  I made him promise me that all of our conversations would not revolve around diapers, bottles, etc.  We would talk about politics and world news, books, movies, art.  Of course we talked about diapers and bottles and all the fun baby stuff that comes with the territory, but it was important to me to not be completely consumed by it that I didn't know how to have a regular conversation.

I also made him promise me 30 minutes a day.  30 minutes in which I was not responsible for our son or the house or anything else.  30 minutes that I could use to read or write or just get out of the house.  30 minutes to remember who I am and that I actually like myself.  30 minutes that had not happened in ages.  30 minutes that I stopped taking, I stopped asking for.  There seemed to be too much to do.  To much that had to be done.

I wrote this passage later on in my day of running away:

"I'm sitting by a little stream, listening as the water pours itself over the rocks.  A dragonfly flies by.  The stream is clear and everything is green and lush around it. It finds its way through the obstacles in its path and leaves some of itself behind.  Beautifying things wherever it goes."  

I thought a lot about that stream. Even the obstacles were made better by it.  It gave life.  I want to be that way.  I want to leave things better than I found them.  I want to find my way around the obstacles.  But what happens if the stream dries up?

If you go to Tony Grove early in the Summer, there are streams everywhere.  Especially on some of the hikes.  White Pine was and is a favorite of mine.  Depending on the time of year, you could easily cross 6 or 7 streams on your way.  They are beautiful.  Surrounded by fields of wildflowers.  As the season continues and the heat rises, a lot of those streams dry up.  The vegetation turns yellow and brown and crunches beneath your feet.  The water source dried up.  No more life.

It's pretty simple really.  If you let your water source dry up, if you forget or willingly stop taking time for yourself, instead of being able to beautify things around you just might end up making things crumble instead.

I don't take 30 minutes every day.  With David's work schedule it just wasn't practical anymore. But I do take some time every week.  I'll replace something good (folding the laundry) with something better (take a nap and then fold the laundry with Ben).  Little course corrections to make sure that I don't push myself to the breaking point again.  To make sure that I don't have to run away from everything that I love to remember that I love it.

"...by small and simple things are great things brought to pass"* and at the same time, by small and simple things are great things brought down.  Make sure your small and simple are where you want them to be.

Happy Wednesday my friends.


*Alma 37:6 (Book of Mormon)

A Little More Hope

A good friend gave me this necklace at the perfect time.  It was during the many many doctor visits that my husband and I went through in order to get Ben.  I clung onto this gift like my life depended on it.  For so long I had lived without hope, mainly because hope had become something painful.  Something that seemed to always bring disappointment.

I would sit in church and absently play with the necklace.  Opening and shutting it repeatedly, taking comfort in the click of the clasp.  It was my worry stone.  It was my good luck charm.  It was a reminder that someone besides the requisite few was thinking of me.  Had thought of me enough to let me know she cared.

I had put the necklace away for awhile.  Not because I didn't like it anymore, but I no longer needed that life line.  I had little hands to hold and cheeks to kiss that were reminder enough that hope had paid off.  That prayers were answered.  That we, I, was so very blessed.

I found it again.  Sitting in my jewelry box with all my other things, waiting patiently for me to stumble across it.  It was like finding an old friend.  I put it on and have once again taken comfort in the click click as I open and shut it.  A reminder to hope once again.

Hope this time is for the future.  For plans to work out, for patience to let them.  Hope that there is good in this world.  Hope that I can make it through the bad times and enjoy the good times.  Both are plentiful, but hope puts a positive spin on even the worst of times.  Hope says there's something more, something to be learned from all this.  Hope that one day I'll look back and mostly see the good.  That the smiles will outweigh the frowns.  The laughter will outshine the tears.

Thank you once again my friend for this needed and treasured reminder.

A List

1.  Each year I think that the summer is going too quickly, and each year August comes and I wonder if it will ever be cool again.  Will the nights ever cool off quickly enough?  Will I ever want to go outside again?  Because frankly, right now I don't want anything hot... at all.  I want that crisp chill in the air that Fall brings.  I want the season to change and Fall to last longer by starting it earlier.

2.  Checking out ebooks from the Library for my Nook just might drive me to drink.  I have two brave souls who powered through the process and passed the information on to me.  I followed the instructions.  I made it past the error messages and thought that I was in the clear.  But no.  Oh no.  The fates have conspired and I still can't get it to work.  Fortunately I have in home tech support who will hopefully figure it out for me because frankly my head hurts.

3.  My son is a jumper.  He's jumping.  On things, off things, from the floor, from the couch.  It's a good thing 911 is easy to remember.  I haven't had to use it yet and hopefully never will. Oh my brave and scary boy!

4.  I have been going through Ben's old clothes again.  I figure it was time since I had boxes stuffed to over flowing.  What surprised me was that some I just could not give up.  Even though they are all going to a good home and they don't fit him anymore at all.  Even though having them around for the "maybe we'll get another one" kind of breaks my heart a little.  I just couldn't give them all.  It's not so much the hope that there will be another as the inability to let go of the little that my little one used to be.  In short, I may be in denial.

5.  My baby is 18th months. 18 months!! When? How?  He used to be this:

Now he's this:

That is all.  The end of the list.  Mostly because my baby who is not much of a baby anymore is up, and needing me, and I'm gonna try to enjoy every minute of it.

Happy Friday.

Words Cannot Express...

...  how long I've been trying to post.

How many times I've been thwarted by technology and it's quirks.

How many episodes of Gilmore Girls have gotten in my way...

But here I am now.  Today.  Well, at the end of the day but it still counts.  Ya know, because we're all keeping track of these things.

And now for an update...

Last post in the saga that is my life, I was a scout widow.  I had a list.  A long list of things to get done.  My hopes were high, my reality not quite as.  However, I did get some of the things done.  Let's review.

* Clean the house from top to bottom.  Really clean.  Vacuum under everything, clean the curtains, dust the world.  (This one got done!  Well, more than it had been done before even though it only lasted a day.  It was a good clean day.)

* Make a wall hanging for the bedroom.  (Totally did it!  Wood cut, nailed and glued together, painted and everything!  And when I get my room cleaned again I will take a picture of it hanging in all of it's glory over my bed.  I kind of might be in love with it.)

* Finish the pictures I started to frame and get them hung.  (Done and done!  I had 4 prints that were waiting for their home and it finally happened.  We won't discuss how much dust had collected on them while waiting for said home to appear.)

* Paint the downstairs living room. (Yep, done!  Thanks again to Sharon and her excess of paint, I had the color I wanted and my sister came and did Ben interference while I painted the living room walls.  As an extra added bonus I rearranged the furniture to just get David good and confused when he came home.  And as far as a picture goes, see above wall hanging for excuse.)

* Make a wall hanging for the kitchen.  (I got this a third of the way done.  I painted the platter that will have some witty kitchen saying that has nothing to do with love and more to do with death... you are so curious now aren't you!  Just wait till my ambition hits again and you'll know how awesome it really is.)

* Paint the laundry room so that it no longer feels like the orphan room of the house.  (Not even a little bit close.  In fact it looks worse than when I put the list together.  Might have something to do with my inability to really clean up after a project.  So much easier just to throw it in the room that has a door to hide it.)

* Organize Ben's room and get rid of what we're not using for him.  I have a bajillion pairs of pajamas that are all too hot for his size stuffed in drawers and shelves to get them out of the way.  (Room... not so much.  2 drawers totally done though!  Baby steps right?)

* Go through my clothes and get rid of things that I don't wear anymore.  (I pretty much spent time in my room when I slept... that's about it. So no, that did not get done.)

*Organize the kitchen drawers and shelves.  I seriously wish I had time to take every little thing out of every little space in my whole house and place it with purpose.  (Next scout camp maybe?  Not so much on the done or even started part. More like the laundry room.  It just got messier.)

Well that about sums that up!  David was surprised when he came home.  So was I!

Since then I've really hit things hard.  Things like Star Trek (I'm on a Star Trek kick that I'm not sure I completely understand.  Perhaps I have been neglected my inner nerd/trekkie?  I'm watching the old series and the old movies and enjoying them thoroughly despite the obvious sexist nature of the uniforms for women. Can we still be friends?)

I've also made pie, fudge, and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and brownies.  I even gave some away!

Yesterday I mowed the lawn and rewarded myself for my hard work with several back to back episodes of Gilmore Girls.  I'm concerned I may have a problem but not enough to really do anything but hit play for the next episode.  Today I made breakfast and lunch and rewarded myself accordingly.  It's a good thing I have a patient husband who loves me in my times of productivity as well as gluttony.  

With that said, happy Wednesday my friends.  May your Thursday be wonderful, however you define it!

Today I'm a Widow...

Today David left at 5:15 am to load up the scouts and head to Scout camp.  Today at 5:15 am I became a widow.  A Scout Widow.  A single mom with a 1-year old boy with way too much energy sometimes.

I have been looking to this time with my fear, trepidation, and just a bit of excitement.  While I really like my husband and enjoy having him around, it will be kind of nice to just cook for me and Ben.  I eat simply.  I don't require a set table and neither does Ben.  If I don't do the dishes right away there is no one to notice but me.  If the house is a mess, no one cares but me.  My mess will not get in anyone else's way.

That's kind of a good feeling.

What I am worried about is Ben.  I have my doubts whether I will be enough for him this week.  He usually has us both at meal times and some good one on one time with each of us while the other is getting things done.  It works well for us.   It works well for him.  But just me?

I have also been thinking of all the things that I want to do while David is gone. Things like:

* Clean the house from top to bottom.  Really clean.  Vacuum under everything, clean the curtains, dust the world.

* Make a wall hanging for the bedroom.

* Finish the pictures I started to frame and get them hung.

* Paint the downstairs living room.

* Make a wall hanging for the kitchen.

* Paint the laundry room so that it no longer feels like the orphan room of the house.

* Organize Ben's room and get rid of what we're not using for him.  I have a bajillion pairs of pajamas that are all too hot for his size stuffed in drawers and shelves to get them out of the way.

* Go through my clothes and get rid of things that I don't wear anymore.

*Organize the kitchen drawers and shelves.  I seriously wish I had time to take every little thing out of every little space in my whole house and place it with purpose.

I know that I should schedule in some downtime but right now that feels like the last thing I want to do.  I just want to take advantage of this time and accomplish great things while there is no other adult around to... well get in my way. 

At least that's the wish... reality usually tells me differently.  Reality says I'm trying to do more than is possible.  Or am I?



Taken on USU campus at the top of the amphitheater.  I love the gnarled roots with new life.
 

Friday Thought

Sometime I wish I could photograph feelings.

A touch, a smile, laughter, smoky fire.  

Completeness.  Wholeness.  Love.

I can see things.  I can watch them happen.  But how do I capture the feelings that rise up in the heart?  How do I take a perfect and complete moment and transfer it to something visual.  Something to help remember a perfect moment in time.