I know, you've all been on pins and needles waiting to see what my word for this year will be. Me too my friends. I have toyed with a few ideas but none felt right. I almost went into panic mode when the new year started and I still had no idea what I would be focusing on this year. But then I remember that it was my year, my timeline, and that I could breathe. The new year could start off just fine without my word.
And then it came to me. And it was good.
Last year I focused on Hope. And it was a good word for me at the time. I spent a lot of time in despair before that. Not taking the time to realize that there was a lot in my life to hope for. Hope coupled with Faith brought about a second child for us. Something that was taken off the table of reality but was still a hope of ours. That's been the biggest blessing last year. There were plenty of little things that were made better by hope, my relationship with Ben, my marriage, etc. I guess those aren't really little things, but they are the day to day and sometimes that seems little.
Moving forward.
The word I chose this year, the word that quiet literally popped into my head in the wee small hours of the morning is:
PRESENT
There. There it is. I told this to David and he looked at my funny until I explained. Present means being here. Being here for my life and all that is in it. Stop living in my head, or at least try to, and start living where I actually am. Take time to look around at the here and now and actually be present for the wonder that is happening around me.
I can't tell you how many fun, cute, precious moments in time have happened with Ben that I have been too caught up in the rush of things to sit down and record. Either by photo or written word. All because what I was doing seemed to be more important, more urgent. What could be more important or urgent that childhood? I will always have projects that I want to do, and some that really do need to be done, but I want to take the time to be present for those precious and scarce moments that bring true joy to this little life of mine.
I want to live here and now. Present does not mean I do not look toward the future or that I stop reflecting on the past, but I do not need to live in either one.
During this pregnancy I have spent a lot of time trying to realize that it is not the same one that I had with Ben. I didn't write much during my first pregnancy because I was sicker that a dog, quite literally, and depressed out of my mind. It was an absolute miserable time that I never wanted to repeat. Ever. Ever. Yet here I am pregnant again. Rather than really enjoying the good news and the very real prospect of another child being brought into our family I spent a good portion of time waiting for the horror that was my first pregnancy to hit. I went so far as to try to get all the good cuddling and loving time in with Ben while we were doing IVF because I just knew that once I got pregnant and the sick hit that would be the end of it. I would spent weeks in the fetal position on the couch with a bucket too sick and depressed to move and my child would be left on his own wondering what happened to his mother. My actions put both of us in a panic and accomplished nothing. In fact it was the opposite. It kind of freaked Ben out because he fed off of my apparently not too well hidden panic mode and started acting out. It was just a mess.
And then the sickness didn't really hit like it had before. Sure I got sick and there are still some relatively bad days, but NOTHING like before. Nothing. There was only one or two whole days spent worshiping the toilet gods on a regular basis as compared to the weeks I did last time. Weeks that turned into months and a deep abiding hatred of ramen noodles and Banquet chicken pot pies. I still shudder!
So there I was panicking for nothing. No good reason. I kept waiting still for it to hit. Even now it seems so odd that I have done so well with everything. Almost like I can't really be pregnant because it was "too easy" this time around. I have the ultrasound pictures sitting by my desk as a reminder that this is really all happening.
I also don't want to freak out about the future. I don't want to worry about what might be, or even get caught dreaming of what could be and pinning all of my happiness on plans that may or may not happen.
I want to be here. Experiencing life as it is happening. Finding the joy, the hope, things to be thankful for every day. I really do believe we are surrounded by good things even in bad times. Sometimes even more so in bad times, we just have to look a little harder to see them.
May your 2015 be spectacular my friends. May happiness abound and your lives be blessed.
