Worth the Wait

Benjamin David Sullivan joined our family on February 20, 2012. 

The sordid details, but not too sordid:

I'll keep it simple.  He wasn't in any hurry to come.  Despite primrose oil, acupressure, and walking all over the world, he still needed help.  On Monday morning we called into the hospital to go ahead and get things started with a doctor's help.  We had hoped that breaking my water would kick start things, but when has anything ever been that simple? 

Two hours after the breaking occured, still no satisfactory progress.  So the dreaded pitocin was to be had.  We started out slow and turned it up every hour as progress was still slow going.  Fortunately I had the company of some great friends.  Friends like "The Emporer's New Groove", "The Great Race", and "Pride and Prejudice".  David also brought some James Bond movies but that was really the last thing I wanted to see. Something about bringing life into the world to the sounds of explosions and gunshots... meh.

Moving on.  Part of our goal with this was to go natural.  Didn't really want an epidural and had studied up on techniques to help through the contractions and pain.  Our nurses knew this as well as the doctor and were happy-ish to help out.  Some more than others.  But all in all our wishes were respected.  So.  The pit drip.  It kinda of... intensified everything.  About 3 the contraction pain took it a step up.  Got a little rough.  About 4:30 I kind of wanted to die.... just a little.  The nurses reassured me that they have a 100% success rate when dealing with birth.  I would live.  So on we went.  Onward, ever onward.  At 5 I was crying with the pain and I was only dilated to a 5.  I asked how much longer they thought it would be, they said probably 2-3 hours.  Then I not only thought I would die, I wanted to.  "Give me the epidural" I said.  Paper signed, the specialist was sent for.  20 minutes later I was hunched over for them to do the deed.  He missed, got a blood vessel instead of the right spot.  Two contractions later I wanted to push more than anything in my life.  They checked me again and I was fully dilated.  No epidural for me!  This was 5:30 by the way. So doctor was sent for, I had someone on both legs and the pushing began.

At 6:55 Benjamin came into the world and mine became complete.  I cannot get over how much I love this little guy.  In fact as I type right now I struggle not to cry a little.  He is just so very precious and I just can't get over what a miracle he is for us.  We weren't sure this day was ever going to happen, and here we are.

So there's the story.  More picture than you ever want to look at will surely turn up on the blog.  Our lives have completely changed and I couldn't be more ready for it. 

Thank you to friends, family, neighbors, ward members, co-workers... everyone really.  Thank you for the support.  Thank you for the love.  Thank you for the cheering on. 

It's time...

For an update.

It's been days since my last contact with the blogging world.  The lights are growing dim just as assuredly as my ankles are growing bigger.  I have unanticipated time on my hands with less and less desire to fill it productively.  sigh...

Okay.  For those not hanging on my every word on facebook, still no arrival of our little bambino. And no change in my condition which means a scheduled hospital date on Monday the 20th to get this party started.  Wednesdsay's appointment did bring up some interesting facts though.  Or really one.  That being that my real due date was February 13th.  Yep, that was last Monday.  I'm glad I heard about this untold change on Wednesday though since ignorance is bliss.

Thursday however.  Thursday was THE day.  THE day that despite all the "no change" and being told that Monday was what we were shooting for... well... the spirit was willing but the emotional flesh was weak.  Thursday came and the longer we were into the day the madder I got!  I ended up at a dear friends house with 2 containers of ice cream, chips, dip, crackers, and if I had been a drinker I would have had two bottles of wine just for me.  I have no idea if I like wine, but it would have been the drama that counted.  Fortunately good conversation, a lot of laughter and Jim Gaffigan helped put things back into perspective.

Friday brought on evening primrose oil, acupressure points, walking the world, and a few other things to help get this party started naturally.  To no avail.  But at least it beat sitting around being irritated.

So Saturday.  Today.  The day that I really didn't think I would be facing.  As in the day that speaks of grocery store runs, errands, house cleaning... it was never in my plan.  My plan stopped on Thursday.  I had no intention of having to deal with Saturday.  All I want to do is eat the rest of the ice cream and watch something brainless on TV.  This day I was not prepared to face.

However, lest things seem too doomy and gloomy, they really aren't.  I complain because I can.  Because I'm fragile and shouting the unfairness of it all when really it hasn't been that bad.  In fact, the only thing that I can really complain about is not being able to put on my shoes without having David compress my feet so that I can actually get them on.  Other than that, blood pressure is grand, I can still go to work and move quite well, I sleep okay, I don't have to be on bedrest, I can still scout out things at the DI and play around.  Really, not much to complain about is there.  In fact there are times when people out there probably hate me because I'm doing so well.  And that's okay.  There was quite a period in my life when I hated everyone who even got pregnant at all simply because I couldn't.  Not a real hate, just a jealousy thing.  Fortunately that stopped a few years ago as I came to terms with infertility and decided to stop letting it run my life.  After all, things were still pretty good.  But I digress.

Life is good.  The sun is shining.  Spring is in the air and David and I will go for a walk.  I will have this baby soon, perhaps not as soon as I want, but soon.

There.  I feel better.  May you all have a marvelous weekend!

Uuuggghhhh.

Notice there was no re-cap of photos from last week?  That's because all I could think to take pictures of were things like stuffed sausages (which would represent my legs, feet, ankles-that-used-to-be, and toes), pregnant cows (the kind that are so very pregnant you wonder how they are still standing) because I can totally identify with those poor creatures, and empty dishes (because that would represent my brain most of the time).  So.  I didn't.  I'm sure you get the picture though.

Some thoughts. 

I am now coming to a true understanding of "I'll do anything to get this kid out of me".  I had some vague idea of it before, but now... well.  Now.  I'm considering taking up jogging... like tonight as the snow comes down and the lights fail to shine on my path.  Maybe a little kickboxing?  Perhaps using jalapenos as after dinner mints.

I went to the doctor today.  No change.  Rescheduled for next week.  I honestly have to wonder why.  I have had several of these "no change" appointments.  What happens if there is a change?  Does he just tell me "well look at that, there's been a change.  Since you're not in labour go home and I'll see you next week."  Which leads me to think "Why am I going through this kind of torture?  The answer will always be 'no change' until there's definitely change.  So why not just wait till the water breaks or those contractions keep on contracting, which are both definite change?  If that's the change I'm looking for then I really don't need a doctor to tell me when it's not changing right?  Am I right?"  I'm probably not right.  But it feels good to put it out there anyways.  Maybe it will tempt the fates.

Speaking of tempting the fates. In light of recent "no change" status I went ahead and scheduled work meetings right up until the day I'm due and even thought about scheduling some on the day I am due.  If that doesn't tempt things I just don't know what will!

I kind of want to take all my measurements right now just so by this time next year I can say "Wow! look how much weight I've lost! And look how many inches I have taken off of my ankles!  My sandals fit so beautifully!"  And then I'll treat myself to a pedicure... and gelato.

Never fear dear friends, all is not lost though.  I may still be carrying this little guy kicking and screaming (he's kicking, I'm screaming) but I have been busy.  Never has my pocket book seen so many transactions at the D.I.  Shelving has taken on a new life.  Paint spatters are on the back porch.  Things are indeed hanging on my walls.  Yes. The crafty part of me seems to have taken over.  I wish I could direct it a little more though since that quilt I started a year and a half ago is still waiting that final strip of fabric and the scarf that would probably be finished in an hour, tops, is still sitting on the shelf.

Here's to life my friends!  Glad to have it, mostly glad to carry it!  And looking forward to getting out of it!  Ha ha!  May your week be fruitful... or at least filled with chocolate.

Photos Jan 22-28

Photos Jan 15-21

I stole the cow.  I don't remember where from else I would totally give credit where credit is due. But it does feel appropriate right now.  The end.

Life interrupted...

I went to Costa Vida today for lunch.  I had left over "birthday money" just dying to be spent on something that wouldn't last.  And my sweet pork salad did not last that long, but it was oh so tasty.  Anyway, not the point.

I was in line right behind a couple.  They were probably in their late 40s early 50s or so.  The husband was a rather large man and his T-shirt said "Old Men Rock".  He had a headset on that was attached to his phone.  He was talking rather loudly to someone explaining something or other.  Not a big deal but it did draw my attention.  It took him a long time to order because he was still talking to the other party, so the line was held up a bit.  Still no big deal, I was in no hurry.  I eventually got my salad and sat down to enjoy its goodness and reflect on life a bit.

Well, turns out that the couple sat at the table just across from me.  The husband was still talking rather loudly on the phone.  Since I like to people watch, I did just that.  And since I was in no hurry, I took my time.  He was on the phone the entire meal.  I finished my salad and he was still talking.  It still wouldn't have been a big deal, but I'm pretty sure that his wife was a bit annoyed.  And as I thought about it I realized that I hadn't heard a single word from her the entire time.  I wanted to reach out to her and say "aren't you glad you took the time to have lunch with your husband!" since she was clearly being neglected.  She sat in silence and ate her  meal with only a small resentful glance now and then towards her dearly beloved.  A glance that seemed to say she didn't enjoy it but was not surprised that it was happening.  She then cleaned up the table and put a lid on his meal so he could take it home as he was still talking.  I had long ago realized that this phone call wasn't a business deal or something hugely important that couldn't be delayed by 15 minutes or so to enjoy lunch with his wife.  They eventually got up and went out the door, him still talking.

It got me thinking about how "connected" we can become.  And it got me thinking about how being so "connected" can really get in the way of the most important connections of all.  Husband, wife, children,  friends, relatives, God.  There are so many gadgets available to make sure that we don't miss any new bit of information that we almost lose the ability to prioritize and filter things out of our lives.  The things that are of no worth.  The things that interrupt the very real and tangible connecting factors in our lives for a bit of information on the web.  The things that are so convenient and easy to use that a lunch together turned into a husband talking on the phone while the wife sat in silence.

Being one of the few non-IPhone, smart phone, etc. owners, I have become increasingly aware how much it interrupts life.  Not because I don't have one, but because everyone else does.  I am constantly amazed at how much "information" is being looked up in the middle of a conversation.  At the dinner table. During a movie.  During a date.  During church, work, school, you name it.  Information is available at the tips of our fingers 24/7. 

While there is value to having such information close at hand, does that mean that every question must be instantly answered whether it is important or not?  Will the world stop spinning if the answer to "who was that guy in that one Kevin Bacon movie" isn't immediately found?  Is it possible to wait till at least the main entree is eaten before diving in to find such important and useful information?  Besides that fact that nothing says "I love you" like "what was it your were saying dear, I was looking up the latest election results?  Oh hold that thought, New Hampshire has just begun."

My husband sometimes asks me if I feel "left out" because I don't have an IPhone.  Occasionally I wonder if I really am missing out on something. And then I look around on the bus, in the halls of campus, in my own living room at times, and see the masses of people walking/sitting around all involved with their phones, ear buds in place and eyes on their screens.  Masses of people crammed together and not talking to each other.  Nope, I don't feel left out at all.

Besides.  I have a computer that I sit at all day that does all of that and more!  And it has a bigger screen so I don't have to squint.  And it has the coolest programs on it.  Especially the new version of Photoshop and... "what was that dear? ....but I'm blogging.... well hold a towel on it and try not to get blood on my carpet. I'll be up as soon as I finish this post." 

It's not the technology that's bad my friends, it's when and how you choose to use it.

Searching

I find myself searching these days.  Searching to solutions for storage problems.  Searching for ways to feel just a little bit better, be healthier.  Searching for inspiration, creativity, words of wisdom.  Searching for a better way to live the life that I have.  Searching for answers to questions that I haven't even asked yet.  That I don't even know to ask yet.

As the time draws closer for our little guy to arrive (4 weeks my friends!... give or take), I find myself more nervous.  I wonder if I am prepared.  I wonder if there is even a way to be prepared.  I wonder what he'll look like, if my mothering instincts will kick in.  I wonder if my depression will come back.  I wonder if I'll have the strength to deal with it, whatever "it" is.

I want so very much to enjoy this time of my life.  To enjoy every minute of the little life that will be joining our house soon.  I plan to.  But can you really plan for the unknown?  What if he's colicky?  What if he never sleeps?  What if I never sleep?  What if he has other health problems?  I declined having the tests done to check for any genetic defaults/problems.  At the time I felt certain that it was unnecessary.  I didn't want the stress of worrying about it especially since there are so many false alarms and expensive "further testing" that come with genetic testing.  I'm not really worried about it.  I think I just get overly hormonal at times and get all crazy over nothing.  It seems to be happening more and more.

So I search.  I keep adding more blogs to my google reader account.  Blogs about do it yourself projects, about living life in the moment, about home storage, resourcefulness, and cleaning tips.  Searching.  Still not sure what I'm searching for.

Perhaps in all of this infertility and pregnancy madness that has had most of my attention these last 3,4,5 years, I've lost a bit of myself.  Maybe that's what I'm searching for.  That part that I have lost somewhere on this journey.  The part that I haven't noticed has even been gone.  Huh. I wonder if there's a blog about that.

Photos Jan 8-14

A little work. A little play.  Some things that still need to be put away. Here's to another week my friends. May your Monday be spectacular!