Blow Me To Bermuda!!

Do you ever have those days?

The days when you just want more than anything to be sitting on the beach with the drink of your choice in hand, soaking up the sun, reading a book maybe.  Nothing but the sound of the water hitting the sand.  Warmth filling your body.  No one needing your attention.  No one to take care of but yourself.  Warm.  Peaceful.  Alone.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family.  Really I do.  I just want the chance to miss them.  And them me. I feel trapped in this cycle of dishes/laundry/cooking/cleaning/Mom-I-need______  wash, rinse, repeat.  Like that's all I'm good for.

Not all days are like this, but more are than I am comfortable with.  It could very easily have something to do with it being January.  Icky grey weather, few chances to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  Running out of activities to do with children who also feel increasingly smothered by the lack of outdoors.

It could have something to do with the fact that I don't like any of my clothes and my hair still hasn't gotten to a length that I like and can work well with.

It could be financial stresses.  Not quite seeing how all those bills will be paid on time.  Trying to figure out what to cut down on that hasn't already been trimmed as much as possible.  Knowing deep down that it will all work out because we are doing what we can so it has to.  Right?  Doesn't it just have to somehow?

Starting a new job.  One that won't take too much out of the week, but enough to worry just a bit about how the scheduling of it all will work out.

So much to fit in.

Or it could be something different all together.  Something more on the inside rather than the outside.

In "The Gifts of Imperfection" I'm on the section about Cultivating Self-Compassion.  This passage has given me much to think about.

"Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.  We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.  Mindfulness requires that we not 'over-identify' with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity."

So I don't want to ignore those negative emotions, but I don't want to over exaggerate their importance in my life either.  Feelings are real and need to be honored.  They need to be expressed so that the things that are causing those feelings can be dealt with.  Good and bad.

I have good things going on in my life as well.  My boys crack me up and I can't imagine loving them more.  Sometimes I just want to bask in those feelings of love for the little hugs and kisses, smiles and giggles.  Those big and little personalities that are so much a part of my life.  That I want to be a part of my life.

I am excited about my new job and a bit of time out of the house even though the schedule worries me a bit.  It might even help get us to a place where I could buy a shirt that I like! Maybe a pair of pants that fit and aren't technically maternity pants.  (oh the secrets you learn by reading this blog!)

Bottom line... I'm allowed to feel.  I have a right to feel.  Good and bad.  I will own it.  I will not shame myself for feeling down.  Especially in January, with no easy access to a beach and sun or Bermuda.  Though I would still like to go there.