The Down Low... The Low Down??

Okay... Authentic.

Let's see how this goes.

This will be my place of sharing.  My place to vent my frustrations, my a-has  and anything else that goes under showing up and being real.  It might get ugly for me... and painful... and wonderful.  That's what my gut tells me.  Learning is more often painful than easy.  And if you are reading this then you get to have a small part in the journey with me.  Please be kind my friends...

A little more on the why.  Why I chose this word.

I am a habitual people pleaser.  I want to make those around me feel validated and loved and better about life.  That by itself is no bad thing.  In fact it's very admirable.  But what if it's fake?  What if it's at the expense of my true feelings and my integrity?  What if my need to please people causes me to read things into a situation that just aren't there.  To think people are reaching out for help when they aren't.  To think that I'm more needed than I am.  To think that I can't say no to anything.  To be tossed about on every wave of perception at the expense of my own sanity and my ability to take care of those that I am legitimately responsible for.  In short, what if people pleasing is driving me mad!?!

That's kind of what I feel like.  But at the same time I am a very capable person.  I can do things for others.  The question is whether or not I should.

It's a dangerous thing to get trapped into thinking that the world would stop turning if we don't do something.  Or worse yet to think that we are the only ones who can do something because we are "clearly better at it" than anyone else.  Aren't we depriving others of a learning experience when we do this?

There are just so many thoughts running through my head these days about what is really right and what is really wrong.  What is just a habit or a routine, rather than a choice.  Something thought out and decided upon intentionally.  Honestly.

It's a little mushy in my head these days.  But back to people pleasing.  I have found that I am biting off way more than I can chew sometimes.  I think that I am more capable than I really am.  Not that I can't do the thing being asked, but that I can't do the thing being asked and make dinner.  Or spend time with my littles.  Or shower for crying out loud!  And then I find myself overwhelmed into a paralytic state with feelings of bitterness and anger.  Happy right?

I was in one of these states when I picked up Brene' Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and began reading it again.  I never finished it the first time because there was so much in it that I didn't want to rush it.  I wanted to take my time and really digest the information presented.  And you guessed it, it didn't happen.  It sat on my shelf patiently waiting for me to pick it up again when I was ready.

It's in Brene's book that she talks of authenticity.  It struck a chord.  A painful promising chord.  Painful in that it pricked my heart as something that I needed more of and would require change on my part.  Promising in that the false front would be removed.  I could stop hiding behind good intentions or false modesty.  I want to own my struggles and be able to admit when I'm having a hard time of it.  I want to be free.  Just free.

It scares me though.  It really does.
So again my friends... be kind.

PS.  I'm publishing this journey on this here blog because if I don't share it, I know myself well enough to realize that I will stop.  I will hide.  I will cower and forget the whole thing ever meant something.  I will sell myself short.  That said, if anything here offends, feel free to stop reading.