Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'll Hold My Breath Until I Turn Blue!

I've been throwing a tantrum.

A big one.

It's lasted for awhile now.

You should be happy that I haven't blogged about every step of it. 

I could you know... but then you might stop reading.

And dear readers, I really don't want you to stop. I like you all too much.

I'll be better tomorrow.  I promise.  I may even have insightful information.  It's possible I could actually grow through this situation.  Actually learns something through these trials.  Crazy huh!

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for not writing me off completely.  I was doing so well you know, posting regularly.

Then I threw a tantrum.  I almost made it till my face turned blue... almost.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

One Step at a Time

Lora has hinted several times that she would be very interested to see what I would have to say about our Journey so far with trying to have children. So... here is trying to put into words what it is like for me. It may turn out to be a book, so trudge through at your own risk.

I don't think anyone ever expects to wait so long for some things in there life. I knew I didn't want to get married young and always thought it would be sometime after I turned 25. I guess be careful what you wish for because I had no idea it would take me until almost 33. Earlier on, I didn't put it off, but I didn't pursue it nearly as much as I could have. Through all of that waiting, I always knew somehow that I would find someone wonderful, and lo and behold I found her, and she was definitely worth the wait.

When we were married, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children right away either. Selfishly or not, in spite of getting married later in life (at least around these parts) I wanted to have at least a year with Lora to myself. Yet again, a wish for a little time turned into a surprisingly long wait, because here we are, 5 years and still waiting and we still don't know when children will come.

For me, it is easy to see some similarities between waiting to find the one to marry and trying to have children. I enjoyed life. I was basically pretty happy as I am tremendously so now with Lora, but I started to feel and now feel even more so the missing part of what else I want in my life: then marriage, and now children. Although I say it's a wait, really it is more a pursuit. You have to take steps and go after what you want. To get married, you have to meet people and date. For us to have children we have registered to adopt at an agency and we are also going to a fertility clinic. For each, you took the step, hoping it will turn out with what you wish, but many times you had to keep going even after there were times when the signs pointed to it being the time had finally come when it actually was not; a canceled engagement here, a you think your are pregnant there. Those close calls can be hard.

Trying to have children is also different. Even though it is much better to go through the hard times together, it seems you feel the pain for both of you. I feel much more urgent this time. A part of that is simply that the clock is ticking. How old will I be when it finally happens? When they Graduate? When they get Married and have there own kids? Will I be around long as a Grandpa? But the bigger part is that, even though I feel we are really happy now and enjoying life with just the two of us, it's just knowing that there is this other aspect to life that will be much more difficult, but oh so much more rewarding with children, and I want that.

One of the biggest frustrations is I want to go faster than we are able. Either it costs so much so we have to save for it, or it just takes so much time and energy, or life just simply gets in the way. For fertility, it was minor complications slowing the doctor down and him being cautious. Now that we are going to a good fertility clinic, I feel like we are moving a lot faster. Or it was getting signed up for adoption which is quite the involved process and it just takes a long time. Even when we decided to buy a house and we just couldn't focus on much else, adoption or doctors. Some things just take too much focus to do much else.

Adoption brings its own interesting thoughts and feelings. I'd always been open to the idea since my cousin, whose family I am very close to, was adopted. Her older sister also adopted her first son. I also have several other family and friends who have adopted. From them I knew that adopted children are not second class kids who the parents had to settle for, but are as much a part of the family as any other child, loved as much as any other; and that is how it would be with us. But I have heard and seen how adoption brings its own challenges. Adopted kids basically have both a heritage from the family they are adopted into as well as a biological heritage from their birth parents. A part of them will be from other than you. This is even more so now that adoptions are much more open and not closed like they used to be. Depending on how involved the birth parents will want to be, there will be other people in the lives of your adopted child. I've seen some where they are like extended family. That isn't bad for me, but something else to juggle and consider as you raise your child.

We've had one birth mother interested in us so far that we know of. We were told she was still considering us for a while. We never met her and she finally choose another family. It was exciting to know that we were being looked at. But when it didn't happen, it was disappointing, but maybe not as much as it could have been since we had not yet met her or felt like it was going to happen

When we first went in and talked with our case worker, we had such a good experience with how we felt about it. I think it will be an option we keep open even the fertility stops getting in the way; so for me, not so much if, but most likely when. However, much can happen, so we will have to see.

Going to the doctors has been its own adventure. You get to open up what is usually the most private process of your lives to other people. That can be hard and awkward, and much more so for Lora than me. We have been classified into the "unexplained infertility" category. From all of the tests, there is no good reason why we can't get pregnant. There is one thing going on that may be impeding things, but not necessarily. That in itself is frustrating because you really don't have any good answers. In some ways it would be easier to know why, even if it meant that the option was closed.

Even though we have been going to the doctors for months both times we pursued this, but the other frustrating thing is how far we have gone. Not very. The first time, the furthest we got was Lora taking a round of Clomid. That is as far as we got after months of monitoring and even a laparoscopy. Now that we are going to a specialist at a fertility clinic, we are at least moving. We have taken the battery of tests and got those out of the way. We are now in the the step of several rounds of IUI (artificial insemination), and if that doesn't get us there, we have a plan in place to try In vitro fertilization. It feels so much better to be doing things now and have a much more concrete plan in place.

But, depending on how things go, we are vulnerable again to things not happening. I kind of got used to another month and nothing. Now we will have a reason to hope for something during some of the months ahead and if it turns out that not that month; well, it will be difficult to be disappointed again. Still, I'd rather be doing something. You won't get anywhere doing nothing.

I know we will eventually have children of our own. I know it because I've got this feeling inside like I did that I would find someone wonderful to marry. Not having children just isn't an option. It gives me a lot of peace, which helps so much through the setbacks and dashed moments of hope and not understanding why it isn't happening until later. So, here we are. We just plug along, truly enjoying what we have now and for the most part being really happy, but desiring something so much more.

From whichever method the child arrives, I do feel one thing very strongly. Children are brought to a family by divine guidance. When we finally get there, the children will be meant for us. And we are going to be AWESOME parents too!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Discuss this!

As prompted from an earlier discussion post by a discussion member of the discussion topic... (head hurt yet?), or really the only other discussion post I've done up to date... *big breath* here's today's topic.

If you could have only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

Post a comment and let's discuss!

Photo courtesy of thefilmyap.com

Friday, November 12, 2010

7 Faces of David

Ok, can't help but ask, are there any of you out there who remember "The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao"?  It was an obscure movie from my childhood that I never did get used to.  It seemed almost disturbing in a way.  Here is the trailer if you want to check it out.  Anyway, it has absolutely nothing to do with this post except that I happen to have 7 shots of my husband!

He's a good sport, did I ever tell you that?  Well, he is.  I even asked permission this time to put it on the blog.  Since it is technically our blog, I figured that I would help him contribute as much as possible.

He's a cutie.  I think I'll keep him.  We just have so much fun together.  We're both a little bit silly... okay a lot silly at times, but it's just who we are.  Fortunately none of his 7 faces are all at that scary.  I think he's just too good natured for that.

Love ya babe! 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Few of my Favorite Things

I love it when things are on sale.

I love it when things are on sale at Hobby Lobby.

I love it when things are on sale anywhere and by some trick of nature, we actually have some extra cash to pay for those lovely things on sale. 

I love my clock:
I love it's swirly pattern and the way it looks on my wall in our downstairs living room.  I love that it helps bring everything together and is functional too.  I love that it was 50% off.

I love my serving dish/table decor/ whatever I want to use it for.

I love the colors.  I love the richness of it all.  I love that it was 50% off as well.  I love that it can work for Fall or for Christmas and that it looks good on my table.

I love my chargers:

I love the texture.  I love the way they look under my plate.  I love that they can be used for serving platters as well.  I love that even though they weren't on sale, I didn't feel bad because everything else I bought was on sale so I could feel good about a frivolous award for my frugality.

I love how they look on my table.

But most of all, right now I LOVE my shelves.  In order to love and appreciate them as much as I do, a before and after photo is appropriate.  I give you the before:

Kind of messy, has that "still in college feel".  Functional but not exactly pleasing to the eye.

and the after:

I love that it's dark!  I love that it's in boxes.  I love that everything fits in a stylish way.  I love that it feels like it was done on purpose, not just "making do".  I love that I want to be downstairs right now just looking at it.  I love that I have room to hang things on the wall now and it won't add to clutter!  I love it so much I want another one to take the place of the white shelf to the right.  I love that we got it at IKEA and it is sturdy and stylish and in our price range.

Between Hobby Lobby and IKEA, they could possibly take over my world.  Hmm.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'll Give you a Topic: Peanut Butter. Neither pea, nor butter, discuss.

On The Pioneer Woman's website she says:

"My Name Is Ree

I'm a desperate housewife. I live in the country. I channel Lucille Ball, Vivien Leigh, and Ethel Merman. Welcome to my frontier!"

I can't help but wonder, who do you feel like you channel? In writing, in life?  Does it change with the occasion? 
I have answers for myself, but I want to hear what you all say first!  Drop a comment and let's discuss!

Monday, November 8, 2010

What Happened to that Guy?

So.  Remember those oh-so-luscious people in High School?  You know, that boy that you actually went to school for.  The one who's smile could make or break your day.  The one who's initials were written in secret places in your notebook?  yeah that guy.  Seen him lately?  He's fat and bald.

Whatever happened to that guy?

I was talking with a friend at book club and disclosing secret crushes of high school when the topic came up. Couldn't help but wonder why it was the beautiful people that got struck with the big and bald disease. Not that there is anything wrong with big and bald, it's just kind of funny seeing as they were the hunks of high school who were worshipped on several levels by several classes.  Even if you didn't like them you still had to appreciate their beauty despite the bad manners and huge egos. 

Then I couldn't help but think of the effect this would have on me.  Since I wasn't classified in the "dreamboat" category in high school... or really any category... I think I would have been in the "you were in high school with me?" category.  I was a face in the crowd, the one that didn't stand out and was more than happy to be not standing out.  But, seeing as I was definitely not in the "she who must be worshipped and sought after" crowd, doesn't it just make sense that when others are getting fat and bald that I would be blossoming into something rare and beautiful?  You know.. breath taking?

No, you say?  Completely wrong?  Against the laws of nature and class division?

Well it was worth a shot wasn't it.

I wonder who finds me on random places such as facebook and Wal-mart and say to themselves "sheesh!  what happened to her?"  Hmm.

Friday, November 5, 2010

What do you do when you're all alone?

Today I am alone in the office.  And by alone, I mean alone.  No boss, no co-workers, no other office mates who don't report to the same person.  If you listen closely enough and hold your breath you may even hear crickets.

So what do I do?

For starters I walked in, flipped on the lights, and yelled "Hello".  No one answered.  Which is good because if someone had I would have freaked out!

Next step was to get the computer up and running and put on the musical selection of my choice brought to me by Pandora... no office should be without it.  It's kind of a random mix too.  Everything from Chris LeDoux, to Broadway hits, to Inspirational sounds, and a little bit of Blue October thrown in the mix.  It makes me happy.  Best part: if I feel like singing out loud I can!

Then I sit and ponder what is to be done today.  Ponder ponder ponder.  "two people on vacation... one herding cows with family... one out with the army... I wonder if I could have gotten away with a hat today... why did I wear this* shirt!... crap someone is coming in the office, quick do something... why do I have "Downtown**" running through my head?"

Then naturally I write it all down in a blog post because that's what good employees do?  Hmm.  Maybe I should do some work.

Wishing you all a lovely, productive day

*This shirt refers to the fact that I wore have a button up shirt tucked in and it's just a bit too short to not come untucked whenever I do such things and pick up a pen or breathe.

** Downtown, where all the people are. Downtown where all the shmuh shmuh... Downtown.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It Pays to Have Amy Friends...

... and their daughters.
Daughter of said Amy brought this in to work today.  She said I could borrow it to get me through the week.

on the back it says...

"Powerful Stress Relief"

"I dedicate this candle
to you that I may enjoy
immediate relief of the
stress of the everyday pressures of life.
Through your great power allow me to
juggle my responsibilities with a minimum
of anxiety medication.  Help me focus
on what is most important and keep my
blood pressure within normal levels.
Keep my path clear of drama queens;
manic depressives, and emotional
And with the most fervent
desire of my soul I ask that I be allowed

Directions for use:
"place candle on yoga mat and light.  Contemplate your navel while repeating the prayer every time the phone rings.  In extreme cases, repeat prayer continuously while programming your massage therapist, psychiatrist, and pharmacy on speed dial.  Good luck!"

Enough said.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I have been thinking a lot about adoption.  Thinking about the feelings I had when we decided to go through with it.  The excitement.  The hope.  The pouring of energy into another route to our own family.

It felt good to stop worrying about a dysfunctional body and put all that energy into paperwork, and pictures.  To create something that would allow someone to connect with us in a way that would save us both. 

We weren't in the ideal situation at the time.  In fact, had we had a child in the home we were living in we would have been kicked out.  Not because of people, or neighbors, or anything like that, but because of a city ordinance.  We weren't zoned properly to have a family where we were living.  We didn't care though.  We went forward with full faith that when we got our child something would work out.  The Lord would take care of us because he always has.

Now we have a home all our own.  No children yet, but a home that we won't get kicked out of.  We've painted and hung curtains.  We've done a few things with the yard and have great plans for the future.

I have a baby room.  I hung up all the little boy and little girl clothes that I've been collecting.  I couldn't do it when we first moved in.  It was too painful.  Now they hang in the closet over the car seat that we bought last February.  We wanted to be prepared.  I have a little dresser with diaper changing things, and onesies, and burp cloths.  I have toys, and soaps, and baby wipes.  When I open the drawer it smells like baby.

Sometimes I have a hard time going into that room.  Sometimes I shut the door completely.

I don't know why David and I have had to go through this.  I don't know why we are still going through this.  But just like everything else in our lives, we know there is a plan.  There is a God in the heavens and he is our Father.  He does love us.  He does care for us.  And he knows what we need to learn and how we need to learn it.  And he knows how to bless us.  And he has blessed us.

Through the longing and the loneliness, we know there is a plan.  And that's what helps us make it through.  It's what helps us look for the silver linings to our seeming rain clouds.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Do you ever feel like this?

I feel like I have a lot to say right now.  Like it's been brimming out of me all day and I have had to remind myself that I am at work and can't do personal things right now.  Yet when I sit here at the computer and the appropriate time to put it all out there so to speak, I find myself... blank.  But I still have the desire to write.  So you get randomness because that's all that's left of my brain right now.  Random bits of a puzzle that was beautiful earlier today.  It would have made you cry. 

Sigh.  Oh well.

1.  I am reading Dracula for book club and I can't read it before I go to bed because it makes me scared to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

2.  My Amy friend at work is on vacation now.  She left me chocolate frogs to help out when the Dementors attack.  She thinks of everything.

3.  I have several Amy friends in my life.

4.  At one point I had 4 that I worked with closely through church and work.  It got confusing.

5.  My photography teacher is kind of strange.  I suppose in a good way but it wigs me out just a bit.  that's right, wigs.

6.  Old school terminology is making a come back.  Rad.

7.  Maybe not.

8.  It might just take me a long ways into November before I take the Halloween decorations down.  Not because I like them that much, but because it takes too much effort to put them away.  I swear I just got them out.

9.  My cat's breath smells like catfood.

10.  I don't have a cat.

How was your day?