Adoption

I have been thinking a lot about adoption.  Thinking about the feelings I had when we decided to go through with it.  The excitement.  The hope.  The pouring of energy into another route to our own family.

It felt good to stop worrying about a dysfunctional body and put all that energy into paperwork, and pictures.  To create something that would allow someone to connect with us in a way that would save us both. 

We weren't in the ideal situation at the time.  In fact, had we had a child in the home we were living in we would have been kicked out.  Not because of people, or neighbors, or anything like that, but because of a city ordinance.  We weren't zoned properly to have a family where we were living.  We didn't care though.  We went forward with full faith that when we got our child something would work out.  The Lord would take care of us because he always has.

Now we have a home all our own.  No children yet, but a home that we won't get kicked out of.  We've painted and hung curtains.  We've done a few things with the yard and have great plans for the future.

I have a baby room.  I hung up all the little boy and little girl clothes that I've been collecting.  I couldn't do it when we first moved in.  It was too painful.  Now they hang in the closet over the car seat that we bought last February.  We wanted to be prepared.  I have a little dresser with diaper changing things, and onesies, and burp cloths.  I have toys, and soaps, and baby wipes.  When I open the drawer it smells like baby.

Sometimes I have a hard time going into that room.  Sometimes I shut the door completely.

I don't know why David and I have had to go through this.  I don't know why we are still going through this.  But just like everything else in our lives, we know there is a plan.  There is a God in the heavens and he is our Father.  He does love us.  He does care for us.  And he knows what we need to learn and how we need to learn it.  And he knows how to bless us.  And he has blessed us.

Through the longing and the loneliness, we know there is a plan.  And that's what helps us make it through.  It's what helps us look for the silver linings to our seeming rain clouds.