Wednesday, November 24, 2010

One Step at a Time

Lora has hinted several times that she would be very interested to see what I would have to say about our Journey so far with trying to have children. So... here is trying to put into words what it is like for me. It may turn out to be a book, so trudge through at your own risk.

I don't think anyone ever expects to wait so long for some things in there life. I knew I didn't want to get married young and always thought it would be sometime after I turned 25. I guess be careful what you wish for because I had no idea it would take me until almost 33. Earlier on, I didn't put it off, but I didn't pursue it nearly as much as I could have. Through all of that waiting, I always knew somehow that I would find someone wonderful, and lo and behold I found her, and she was definitely worth the wait.

When we were married, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children right away either. Selfishly or not, in spite of getting married later in life (at least around these parts) I wanted to have at least a year with Lora to myself. Yet again, a wish for a little time turned into a surprisingly long wait, because here we are, 5 years and still waiting and we still don't know when children will come.

For me, it is easy to see some similarities between waiting to find the one to marry and trying to have children. I enjoyed life. I was basically pretty happy as I am tremendously so now with Lora, but I started to feel and now feel even more so the missing part of what else I want in my life: then marriage, and now children. Although I say it's a wait, really it is more a pursuit. You have to take steps and go after what you want. To get married, you have to meet people and date. For us to have children we have registered to adopt at an agency and we are also going to a fertility clinic. For each, you took the step, hoping it will turn out with what you wish, but many times you had to keep going even after there were times when the signs pointed to it being the time had finally come when it actually was not; a canceled engagement here, a you think your are pregnant there. Those close calls can be hard.

Trying to have children is also different. Even though it is much better to go through the hard times together, it seems you feel the pain for both of you. I feel much more urgent this time. A part of that is simply that the clock is ticking. How old will I be when it finally happens? When they Graduate? When they get Married and have there own kids? Will I be around long as a Grandpa? But the bigger part is that, even though I feel we are really happy now and enjoying life with just the two of us, it's just knowing that there is this other aspect to life that will be much more difficult, but oh so much more rewarding with children, and I want that.

One of the biggest frustrations is I want to go faster than we are able. Either it costs so much so we have to save for it, or it just takes so much time and energy, or life just simply gets in the way. For fertility, it was minor complications slowing the doctor down and him being cautious. Now that we are going to a good fertility clinic, I feel like we are moving a lot faster. Or it was getting signed up for adoption which is quite the involved process and it just takes a long time. Even when we decided to buy a house and we just couldn't focus on much else, adoption or doctors. Some things just take too much focus to do much else.

Adoption brings its own interesting thoughts and feelings. I'd always been open to the idea since my cousin, whose family I am very close to, was adopted. Her older sister also adopted her first son. I also have several other family and friends who have adopted. From them I knew that adopted children are not second class kids who the parents had to settle for, but are as much a part of the family as any other child, loved as much as any other; and that is how it would be with us. But I have heard and seen how adoption brings its own challenges. Adopted kids basically have both a heritage from the family they are adopted into as well as a biological heritage from their birth parents. A part of them will be from other than you. This is even more so now that adoptions are much more open and not closed like they used to be. Depending on how involved the birth parents will want to be, there will be other people in the lives of your adopted child. I've seen some where they are like extended family. That isn't bad for me, but something else to juggle and consider as you raise your child.

We've had one birth mother interested in us so far that we know of. We were told she was still considering us for a while. We never met her and she finally choose another family. It was exciting to know that we were being looked at. But when it didn't happen, it was disappointing, but maybe not as much as it could have been since we had not yet met her or felt like it was going to happen

When we first went in and talked with our case worker, we had such a good experience with how we felt about it. I think it will be an option we keep open even the fertility stops getting in the way; so for me, not so much if, but most likely when. However, much can happen, so we will have to see.

Going to the doctors has been its own adventure. You get to open up what is usually the most private process of your lives to other people. That can be hard and awkward, and much more so for Lora than me. We have been classified into the "unexplained infertility" category. From all of the tests, there is no good reason why we can't get pregnant. There is one thing going on that may be impeding things, but not necessarily. That in itself is frustrating because you really don't have any good answers. In some ways it would be easier to know why, even if it meant that the option was closed.

Even though we have been going to the doctors for months both times we pursued this, but the other frustrating thing is how far we have gone. Not very. The first time, the furthest we got was Lora taking a round of Clomid. That is as far as we got after months of monitoring and even a laparoscopy. Now that we are going to a specialist at a fertility clinic, we are at least moving. We have taken the battery of tests and got those out of the way. We are now in the the step of several rounds of IUI (artificial insemination), and if that doesn't get us there, we have a plan in place to try In vitro fertilization. It feels so much better to be doing things now and have a much more concrete plan in place.

But, depending on how things go, we are vulnerable again to things not happening. I kind of got used to another month and nothing. Now we will have a reason to hope for something during some of the months ahead and if it turns out that not that month; well, it will be difficult to be disappointed again. Still, I'd rather be doing something. You won't get anywhere doing nothing.

I know we will eventually have children of our own. I know it because I've got this feeling inside like I did that I would find someone wonderful to marry. Not having children just isn't an option. It gives me a lot of peace, which helps so much through the setbacks and dashed moments of hope and not understanding why it isn't happening until later. So, here we are. We just plug along, truly enjoying what we have now and for the most part being really happy, but desiring something so much more.

From whichever method the child arrives, I do feel one thing very strongly. Children are brought to a family by divine guidance. When we finally get there, the children will be meant for us. And we are going to be AWESOME parents too!


  1. Thanks for this... you will be AWESOME parents and your children will have the best sense of humor ever!!!

  2. I know a lot of those feelings of deep frustration that you two have. I am truly saddened at times to not know why "we" (you two inclued with Clay and me) cannot have children "yet" (because I also feel that it is going to happen). What is it that the Lord needs to happen before we are able to have this trial behind us? I don't know the answer to that question, but pose it to myself often and try to prepare myself for all things. I know that through Him all things are possible. You are in our prayers!

  3. I believe it, too. You'll be great parents..whenever it happens. Lora told me once that she knew she was a person who is being asked to wait...I'm sure it's just that part...waiting. sigh.

    love you both

  4. You will be amazing parents!!!! It's interesting how different challenges hit us at different times, but I personally think you two are incredible and if anyone would make loving and caring parents, it is the two of you!

  5. This is one thing that I don't understand but I know as Dave said that kids and just about everything else in life comes by divine guidance. Some things we want so BABDLY just have to be waited for, for whatever reason. But I can tell you that when we wait for them they are just that much sweeter when they do finally come! I think the world of both of you and know that you will be great parents when the time is right. I know that you both have the faith to see this through. I appreciate you sharing your trials, it helps me to realize that although the struggle may be different we all have things we must work through. Love you!!

  6. I agree. You and David will make wonderful parents. I will keep you in our prayers always. Keep us posted.