Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Monday photo... on Wednesday (shrug)

I have something for posts.  Fence posts, broken, old... It's something I have learned to accept about myself.  This was taken on Mount Kolob down South.  Last weekend was spent with family in Hurricane and they just happen to have a cabin on Kolob which is a blessing because then I don't melt.  Have I mentioned lately that I'm a complete wimp when it comes to heat... well I am.  Will do a later post on the trip and share some of our photos.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Getting a Grip

Do you know how? I have come to a few conclusions myself.
1. It must be done repeatedly. It is not a one time deal.
2. I used to be really good at it.
3. Not so much anymore.
4. Life changes mess up with one's ability to get a grip.
5. Changes such as kittens and their toys.
6. Random water stoppages due to construction.
7. Changes in income... aka getting a part-time check vs that lovely full-time one that was enjoyed up to June 1st.
8. Changes in health... aka what's the deal with this whole not feeling so hot thing... to be expected, but not enjoyed.

Getting a grip means admitting that you've lost yours. I, my friends, have totally lost my grip. I am currently sitting in my bedroom with the door closed. I'm shutting it on the laundry, the dishes, and the cat. I can hear Oscar playing in the kitchen. And while he is fun and entertaining and sometimes even cuddly, I'm just not in the mood to deal with him today. I am longing for that peace that I used to have. That inner peace where you're cool with the world and the world is in turn cool with you.

Getting a grip usually means making some changes. I may move my office to another bedroom instead of the downstairs living room. That way I have the ability to shut the door. It's kind of interesting how Oscar's perfectly capable of entertaining himself while I'm gone but just can't leave me alone when I'm here. This not feeling so hot things has also altered my reality. It may just turn me into a night person rather than a morning person. I find myself sleeping longer, as if that will actually help.

Getting a grip sometimes means re-incorporating things back into your routine. On Monday I braved the gymn. Crazy right. I even decided to tell that pain in my foot to take a hike. I decided to ignore it should it raise it's ugly head. Turns out it was fine. In fact I even ran for like 1.5 minutes. Do you know what happened during that 1.5 minutes? I hurt. But not my foot. It was my fat. That fat that has been leaching it's way onto my body since November when doctor's orders were to stay off of the foot. That fat that has been groomed to full saddle bags with hormone injections and mood swings controlled by food. That fat that has made it impossible to wear the one and only pair of shorts I own that are decent in public. It hurt. It was moving up and down completely out of control. I had no grace, no style. I shudder to think what I looked like from behind. I was like an injured llama trying to run. It was ridiculous. It made me realize just how lazy I've become. Complacent. My goal was always to "move what I got". Meaning I may not be the skinniest thing in the world but at least I can move what I have. I will now adjust that to "Move what I got with minimal pain involved."


I am slowly regaining my grip. I am slowly adjusting to things that are now very much a part of my life. I am slowly coming to terms with my own reality.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I've Been Thinking

I have been having myself a think.  It kind of explains my absence from the blogosphere... kind of.

I have spent so dang much of my life dealing with infertility that it kind of throws my groove off being with child.  Does that make sense?  I had accepted my lot.  Wasn't exactly happy with it but acceptance hasn't been an issue for a really long time.  A huge portion of that is because of the wonderful people in my life.  How could we be so blessed if this wasn't part of "our plan" so to speak.

So now we have what we have been hoping for so so so very long and I find myself speechless.  Almost useless.  The week we found out my routine went right out the window and I'm not even sure why.  It just did.  This last week completely snuck up on me and I'm forgetting core things in my routine.  Crazy huh!

Now don't get me wrong, right now I wouldn't have it any other way.  I just don't think I ever really allowed myself to plan for what we'd do if things really did work out.  I had a great plan for if it didn't though.  The first thing was an Italy cruise as compensation for a failed IVF cycle.  It was going to be a great one too.  Luxury accommodations!  I would continue working on my slowly improving photography skills.  I would have the neighborhood kids over for Monday Matinees and be the coolest person in the neighborhood.  School loans would be paid in record time.  And I might even be done with the doctor forever!  Or at least not until it was really needed.

So here I am living the life that I wanted and not knowing how to do it.  I mean this could be the start of something normal.  What does that even mean?   I am not really asking for advice here, I just think it's kind of interesting.  And well, more often than not it seems to have left me without words.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Monday Photo

As part of my job I get to go around and take pictures of some of the events we do.  This was taken at the Alumni House.  There was a wedding and this was the arch on the lawn.  I loved the colors.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I'm feeling quite positive today

I have been absent.

Absent-minded, absent-bodied, absent in mental capacity.

I am back now.

I find myself searching for words today.  Well really all week.  And I guess if I'm going to go that far it might as well be the last two weeks.  My thoughts jumbled, my house more so.  But things are looking up.  Positive you might say.  I have been considering whether or not to "spill the beans" so to speak, but my dear friends, you have come with me so far.  How can I not include you on our journey?

I know it's not safe.  I know I may regret it in the future.  There's always the possibility that things just might not work out.  But right now there is the greater possibility that it will.  I just cannot believe that the Lord would bless us this much to not have things work out.  Our IVF process worked.  And if all goes well, we'll be getting a new little addition to our family in February of next year.  It's all very early.  Like ridiculously early.  Like no one knows this early unless they've gone this route.

It's all very surreal.  It's all very reassuring.  It's all very humbling.  I cannot tell you how much my faith has wavered and my silly worrying mind has made me such a doubter sometimes.  Yet the Lord still blesses us.  I know there's biology and all that going on, but our biology hasn't been something we have been able to rely on.  I've always believed that the Lord could "fix" us.  Make all the things that aren't working work again.  He has that power.  But for some reason or another we had to go this route.

I have watched as things have fallen into place for us.  With our home and our neighborhood and the wonderful, absolutely wonderful people that have become a part of our  lives.  Neighbors, family, friends, co-workers.  The change in insurance at David's work that has paid for majority of this process.  So many silver linings have shone around our trials, so many blessings.  So many that the burden has been incredibly light.

So today I am happy.  I am humbled.  I am grateful. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I feel all in a jumble right now.  There are so many things that my thoughts skip back and forth between.  I wish that someone could just take a peek inside my brain and tell me what is important.  What to spend my time dwelling on.  What to just let go.  Tell me what is inside my realm of control and what just isn't.

All the traveling has come to a stop and I can rightly say that it's a blessing.  Gas prices on the rise and all.  But it has given me more time to think.  I've thought about my New Year's word, Moderation.  I wonder if I'm anywhere close.  I feel I have made progress but I seem to be the kind of person that bounces back and forth.  I get heavily involved in a project until I burn myself out on it.  Hence my unfinished quilt, half made gift bags and cards that are just waiting to be put together.  Or recently the room that gets half way cleaned, the laundry that gets half way done.  Perhaps I have eased back a little much.

I've also been thinking about friends.  Friends that used to be a large part of my life but seem to have drifted.  Friends that perhaps I took for granted would always be there.  Particularly one.  I've reached out and have been met with silence in return.  I keep on wondering if I have offended somewhere along the way.  Did I get so wrapped up in the things that are going on in my life that I neglected someone when they may have needed me.  Did they reach out and I missed it?  I hate the way these thoughts are plaguing me right now. 

I've always thought of myself as a loyal friend.  Once friends always friends.  No matter the distance or time in between.  I may not be a "best" friend or a regular "hang out" friend, but I just don't know how or when to stop calling them friend.  So I don't.  And when I'm met with silence by all of my inquiries as to how they are... well, I just don't know what to do.  It kind of makes my heart hurt.  And it makes me worried about them.  I wonder if they are okay.  If there marriage is okay.  If something awful has happened.  If if if...  Perhaps I'll try a more direct approach.  Like showing up on their doorstep and begging. 

I guess there are usually no easy answers to things.  Life just takes time.  Problems take energy to figure out.  Priorities need to be made.  People need to be remembered.  Nothing really profound about it.  Just gotta do it.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday Photo

It's nice to have flowers.  We didn't plant anything last Fall like I had planned on.  I was so very disappointed in myself.  I even had the bulbs, just didn't get around to it until the snow started falling and the ground was hard.  The last time I planted flowers was back in the "Adam's House" when we were in the 6th ward.  I still drive by every Spring and see how my flowers are doing.  It's nice to have left signs that we were there, good signs too.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Meet Oscar and Other News

Oscar Wilde?  Oscar de la Hoya?  Oscar the Grouch?  So many options.  Might even change.  I have been calling him Snickelfritz.  Who knows, maybe it will stick.

Fun facts/discoveries:

1. He sometimes meows while he's drinking so it sounds all underwater-like and that just makes both David and I laugh.

2. Despite his sometimes incessant meowing/bawling, he might just be alright.  (he's no good at our stairs yet, or at least hasn't been brave enough so I can "trap" him on another level when it's too much.  He stops after awhile so it works out.)

3. So far he only uses the litter box!  Yeah!

4.  David's job is to change the litter box!  Yeah!

5.  He's not cuddly, he's frisky.  And that's fine with me too.  He's just a little guy so it makes sense.

6.  This may very well be the last full post on Oscar because I like to think I have more of a life than that, and right now I really do feel a little pathetic.  So if you're thinking it, so am I.  Sigh.

In other news:

David and I did the embryo transfer on Sunday!  Woo-hoo!  So we're moving forward like rock stars and hoping that all the needles, mood swings, trips to SLC, and partial loss of sanity work out for us.  Meanwhile we have lots of things to look forward to this Summer.  Like:

Air conditioning!!
New bathtub and toilet in main bathroom.
Completed window sills!
Def Leppard concert with friends!  Double woo-hoo there.
A stay at the cabin at Mt Kolob (Hurricane way)
Family Reunions (yes we actually look forward to some of them.)
Garden fresh produce from OUR garden!
Hiking in the outdoors
Plays at the Old Lyric Theatre
Bear Lake Shakes
Long Summer nights
Lunch/breakfast on the deck
Outdoor BBQ

Thank you all for tuning in today, and most of all thank you for your support.  We have felt your prayers and well wishes for us and no matter what happens, it will be what is supposed to happen.  Who knows, maybe twins!  (oooh, eeeee, aaaaah... ugh?  hmm.)