Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I've Been Thinking

I have been having myself a think.  It kind of explains my absence from the blogosphere... kind of.

I have spent so dang much of my life dealing with infertility that it kind of throws my groove off being with child.  Does that make sense?  I had accepted my lot.  Wasn't exactly happy with it but acceptance hasn't been an issue for a really long time.  A huge portion of that is because of the wonderful people in my life.  How could we be so blessed if this wasn't part of "our plan" so to speak.

So now we have what we have been hoping for so so so very long and I find myself speechless.  Almost useless.  The week we found out my routine went right out the window and I'm not even sure why.  It just did.  This last week completely snuck up on me and I'm forgetting core things in my routine.  Crazy huh!

Now don't get me wrong, right now I wouldn't have it any other way.  I just don't think I ever really allowed myself to plan for what we'd do if things really did work out.  I had a great plan for if it didn't though.  The first thing was an Italy cruise as compensation for a failed IVF cycle.  It was going to be a great one too.  Luxury accommodations!  I would continue working on my slowly improving photography skills.  I would have the neighborhood kids over for Monday Matinees and be the coolest person in the neighborhood.  School loans would be paid in record time.  And I might even be done with the doctor forever!  Or at least not until it was really needed.

So here I am living the life that I wanted and not knowing how to do it.  I mean this could be the start of something normal.  What does that even mean?   I am not really asking for advice here, I just think it's kind of interesting.  And well, more often than not it seems to have left me without words.

6 comments:

  1. I was thinking about you the other day and thinking about exactly what you said here. Is that weird? Sorry if it is, but I was thinking how weird it must be for you; such an enormous shift in thinking and feeling for you.

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  2. Your first sentence made me think of Winnie the Pooh and his thinking spot. "Think, think, think..." You will most likely become re-aquainted with all those stories very soon. :)

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  3. You'll either still feel that way or feel that way again when you bring a baby home from the hospital. Strange how that works, you can't really believe it even when it's reality.

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  4. I was signed in as Lee. Oops.

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  5. First of all the new look of your blog is ~marvelous darling~

    I have felt the feeling your are describing- it is surreal- slow motion almost- panic then a smile- wondering if everyone stranger or not who sees you thinks "you know there is something different about her"

    And fourth and last of all- what a better way to sharpen your photography skills than on a baby. And you are creating not only a family but a audience of your very own- nothing is better than getting a standing ovation after a perfect reading of Green Eggs and Ham- especially if you do it in Italian:)

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  6. I also thought of Winnie the Pooh, just having yourself a good think.

    It's crazy when life throws you curves, even the GOOD ones :) I'm a HUGE planner for what if this happens and that... and it almost never turns out how I plan and I stumble to accommodate my new life into some sort of plan and just figure it out as I go...

    Ahhh, enjoy it all. And um, for the record, you already ARE the coolest person in the neighborhood. Amen.

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