I'm Back

Hello all ya'll in blogger land! I was beginning to wonder if I would come back from this little hiatus. I'm not entirely sure what happened to keep me silent for so long. Well maybe it was the whole crazy-busy part of life. Or perhaps the new found love of a British television show "Allo! Allo!", a little treasure I found whilst perusing the local library. I confess, I'm through 3 seasons already. In my defense, they are only 8 episodes in a season. Still.

Of course there is always the mad reading frenzy that I found myself in as well. It's like I was starving for reading time and in order to get it I sacrificed house cleaning and blogging. Nothing wrong with those priorities right? Those of you out there with children are just jealous that I actually can sacrifice housework for hours of uninterrupted reading. It's okay, just remember I really want to be like you!

Speaking of which, this whole waiting thing is well... hard. It's not like we expected to be chosen right away, but it really is difficult not knowing who has looked at our profile and if that special little someone is closer than we think. Sigh... On the bright side, invitations to baby showers aren't nearly as hard as they used to be. At one point it was enough to slip into a bit of a depression and have a good pity cry. Now it's a bit more fun because there really is a chance that someday it will be for my baby! You know anywhere between next month to 10 years from now. Sigh again! Oh well, plenty to keep us busy with.

Highlights of the past two weeks:

1. Bridal Faire is over! Woo-hoo! I actually want to post pictures to show that all the anxiety and madness was worth it, but I have to wait on someone else to download the photos. Perhaps another entry in the future.

2. I have a fully staffed primary! Save for a scouting leader, but hey, at least I got teachers right!

3. Another trip to Las Vegas for work has been planned. Reservations made, plane tickets purchased. Just over a month and certain warmth awaits.

4. I have new exercise socks! It really is a big deal.

5. Every once in a while I look up and notice I still have a Christmas decoration on the wall. I think about taking it down and realize that there is nothing to replace it with. With nothing there it's too bare to bear. Yup.

6. January is almost over and that is good. I have decided that January is the worst month of the entire year. For those of you with special occasions during said month it probably isn't that bad, but for me... never ending gray, cold, bleak, why does this time of year have to exist! Every other month has something to look forward to, or at least more sunshine. January exists right after the holiday high and hits you with a large electric bill due to Christmas lights, dark streets now that lights are no longer festive, just weird, and it honestly leaves me wondering if I can actually make it through the end of the month with any sanity left. Sweet January, it's time to end.

That's it for now. I know, didn't have to write a book, but thanks for listening anyways!

Companionship

I've been thinking a lot lately about companionship and my need for it sometimes and my desperate need to be alone sometimes. I think we all have those days when you just want the entire world to leave you alone for a few blessed hours while you collect yourself. No? just me? Not sure I believe that.

I've found myself doing odd things lately. Like taking simple tasks (getting primary manuals to teachers) and making it difficult. "Here, instead of me just taking my portion around by myself because I have the easier time getting away from it all, how about I make it difficult and have someone else come with me who happens to have children and it means some coordination and timing and isn't said person's responsibility anyways." Phew! Fortunately I came to my senses and a prompt email said "Hey I'm an idiot, don't worry about it, I will do it all by myself like a big girl." K, so it happened, get over it right?!

Well I can't help but ask myself why I do these silly things in the first place. So I shall ponder it in the willy-nillyness of my blog, where you dear readers can choose to ignore it, laugh at the ridiculousness of it, think about it yourselves, comment on it, or just go on with life thankful that you don't have to be me right now.

I used to be one of those people who were so independent that I went to movies and dinner by myself. (no, this did not have any reflection on my dating life... or at least I think it didn't.) I would take a book, sit down at Formosa, enjoy my tiny spicy chicken (which sounds really good about right now) and the printed word on the pages of whatever novel or school book was currently on the reading list. I even used to prefer doing visiting teaching by myself, of course that was mostly because it was so difficult to get 3 schedules to sync and if it was going to get done I would just do it. I enjoyed those times. I enjoyed the productivity of it all.

So how did I go from Miss Independent to Miss Help Me I Can't Do Anything By Myself? I'm not really sure. I think marriage had something to do with it. It's so nice to have David there as my perma-date/sounding board/dish helper/movie watcher/grocery shopper/generally go anywhere with me guy. Perhaps if he weren't such a good husband then I wouldn't have some of these problems? No that can't be it. Besides that's too simple and answer that requires little to no painful soul searching and I don't want my husband to stop doing thing with me. Maybe a deeper look will help.

Perhaps it is my fear of people. I know, sounds a little odd. I guess it's not so much a fear of people as what they think of me. Didn't I give that up years ago!? Didn't I come to the realization that it is ever so much easier to live when you just don't care what other people think and you go about your business the best way you know how? Of course, but that doesn't mean it stays gone forever. It kind of sneaks up on me like a little gnome and works it's way so cleverly back into my life that before I know it that little fear that I threw out of my life has perched itself right on my shoulder and taken shotgun in my journey through life. (the picture makes sense now huh.)

So where to now? It's time once again to throw the little guy out. I declare my independence once again, just more realistically. Let's face it, I like going out to eat with people and movies too. I like companionship. However, I don't have to have it all the time, especially if it puts other people out. When it is my responsibility and mine alone, who am I to drag someone else into it with me? I am a big girl and I can take care of things all by myself. So to those of you who have been the victim of an absurd need for company in doing small and simple no-company-required things. My apologies.

I will now do my best to do my duty... wait, I'm not a scout! But then again there's a lot to learn from those guys. So yes, I will do my best to do my duty to God and I suppose I better throw my country in with it. However I will add my primary presidency onto the list and my co-workers to. Don't we all have enough on our plates that the last thing we need is to have a healthy portion of 'stupid' heaped upon it? Now, does that relieve you from your duty dear reader? No. I don't want an extra portion of 'stupid' either. You can take care of your own too.

Just run with it.

Mornings are usually filled with random thoughts going through my head starting at oh... 5 a.m. or so. Today you get a glimpse. Scary huh!

1. I once "dated" some one who wanted to start exercising. Rather than let me run with him (cause I was running already) he just asked me to follow along after him in my car. Yeah, idea lasted all of two seconds. Weird huh. Was he just afraid of being shown up by a girl? Perhaps I should have taken the opportunity and just run him over... hmm. (I would never do it, but the cartoon of it that plays through my head is pretty funny.)

2. My dad is okay. Thank you all for the support. He is currently in the hospital. They thought he had a heart attack on Monday but further tests show that the sack around his heart has an infection causing the heaviness and the heart attack symptoms. He is hooked up to an iv to clear away the infection and should be right as rain in a few days.

3. My hair looks like a big burr this morning, I don't know how to tame it. And yes this is after it has been freshly washed and dried... Definitely time to get a haircut. Why do I insist on waiting so long?!

4. One of my favorite things about my bathroom is that the heating vent blows right on my feet while I get ready for work. Aaaahhhh.

5. Live music on the radio rarely sounds good. There's some guy on the Eagle who is from England and it honestly sounds like he's trying to do a James Brown impression. It kind of makes me want to call and ask him to please please stop.

6. I hate buying close-toed shoes. I much prefer shoes that let my feet breath and show cute, painted toenails. I almost feel like it's a waste of my money to buy practical shoes when I can buy cute ones. Winter always throws my for a loop. Since I hate winter shoes, I am facing the dilemma of: should I wear warm shoes that have some sort of weird squeak when I walk, or the ones that hurt the back of my heels. Sigh... we're not even going to talk about socks.

The end. Hope you all have a marvelous, warm-footed day.

A few of my favorite things

So.

One of my mostest favoritest things on the earth today is scaring my husband. Not in the honey I'm having an affair way (because I'm not and that would scare the tar out of both of us) but in the jumping out of dark corners and making him scream/jump/something.

I love it!

I can have the most horrid day in the entire world and if I can find an opportunity to scare David, it makes it all better. The world will have been righted, what was wrong is now right. It's the balm of Gilead to my soul.

I was really good at it in our old house. Mostly because it was old. There were some wonderful places to hide in the dark and jump out at him. The best part was that it worked almost every time. And he would jump so high! I of course laughed wickedly "he he heeee' and would run up the stairs before he could find time to react.

It's a little more difficult in this house, but I still find opportunities. Now that's love... right?

Time Off

I decided to take some time off work... you know, one of those vacations that's only a vacation in the sense that I don't have to go to work. It's been kind of nice. I took a whole week and a day off. It's been good to clear my mind as well as go a little crazy. Let me explain.

Clearing of the mind:
1. I haven't thought about work for 4 whole days now! Aaaaahhhh.
2. This is the first real day that I've done something on the computer aside from send a email to check plans. (Thanks Tawnya and Isaac! Loved game night! I am a winner!)
3. No TV. How did I do it? Well, there was a delay in my netflix.

Going crazy:
1. I made 10 loaves of bread. Seriously, what was I thinking! It would take the two of us months to eat that. Fortunately we have neighbors who were willing to take them off of our hands.
2. I attacked the yard... literally... with pruners. I worked on it most of Tuesday and have the scars to prove it. What I found is that I have a lot more work to do... but will I? Hmmm.
3. I decided to mass produce greeting cards. In all fairness I do have a plan for them, but yesterday I felt that my brain had turned to mush.
4. On Tuesday I also did a super job on getting the house clean... now I am surrounded by bread pans, scraps of paper, laundry and random shoes. I am a mess.

It's noon and I'm still in my pajamas. Part of me thinks that I should feel bad, and then I tell that little voice in my head to shut it.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring...

"Honey, can you answer that?"

K, so I have a confession to make. Really just something to point out that I'm sure most of you already know about but for some reason I feel the need to let you all know that I know that I'm bad at these things.... Like explaining myself for example. You may have to read that last line a few times in order to get my meaning. I know cause I had to already!

I am a horrible communicator over the phone. I would rather text, email, write a letter, sign language, hand puppets, mime... the list goes on, in order to communicate with someone. I suppose there's always the old fashioned method: face to face, but let's not get carried away here. I even go so far as to have distress at email requests because I will respond with clarification questions and fret over whether or not the recipient will get the information in time. I could always pick up a phone and just pass on the information verbally, but that would be all too convenient and we can't have that now can we.

I just don't do well over the phone. In fact the only times I have really good phone conversations are with a) my mother, b) my sister, c) my best friend, or d) my husband. Of course I was only good with my husband while we were dating. That whole can't-be-together-after-certain-hours-because-it's-illegal kind of thing. So you stay up all night talking on the phone because it's the only thing you can do. Then you get married, go to bed at 9 and never look back.

I have often wondered if I have a problem. I have often wondered if I care that I have a problem. I will get stressed out about calling the people I visit teach! I make my husband call and invite people over for dinner, games, whatever. I think I may have some deep-seated fear of rejection and if I can just get it secondhand then at least the blow is softened somewhat. It all seems very silly, but... (if you could see me I would be shrugging right now). I don't mind it when anyone else calls, I'm just usually not the instigator.

So, what does this all mean? I have no idea, but it's kind of interesting right? And now you know why David is always the one that calls and invites you all over for dinner!

Let's talk about...

-Why I have a seemingly constant red mark on my forehead. Oh yeah, it's because I have inexplicably slipped back into that magic time when you start learning to do your own hair and as a consequence burn your forehead repeatedly while trying to do something with your bangs. WHY do I even have bangs!! Why do I have to try to do something with them? Oh yeah... because I have fuzz for hair. Seriously, I got up this morning, looked in the mirror and had the distinct impression of an overgrown q-tip having attached itself to my head during the night. Uh-huh. Scary.

- Why is it suddenly easier for me to keep "my room" clean? I actually put up my clothes now! And make the bed! Cool huh! Not that I didn't do it before, but it was always after a rather large pile of clothing had accumulated in the corner/my-side-of-the-bed part of the room. Perhaps it has something to do with an actual closet to put them in... huh. Or maybe the fact that if the door is open all you have to do is look down the hall to see the bedroom and the spot where my pile would accumulate if given the chance. Could it be that I have enough pride to at least give off the appearance of cleanliness? Hmm.

- David and I are watching the 4th season of Battlestar Galactica through Netflix. The last disc came today and it's all I can do to wait for David to come home so we can watch it together. It's a good thing we waited to watch it till school was out because I am positive I wouldn't have been able to wait till he got his homework done. I'm not even sure how badly I want food tonight... just instant gratification through television. I know... kind of sad. But I've accepted it about myself. You should too.

- Every time I drive into our little cul-de-sac I get jealous because my landlord won't let me plant flowers in his semi-drab flower beds. I'm sure it will look fine in a month, but.... The whole drive is lined with tulips and daffodils and hyacinths in full bloom adding life and color to the otherwise green world. Not that green isn't good enough after the brown of winter, but there's just nothing like flowers in the Spring to lift your spirits. Especially when it insists on raining so much. That's one thing that I miss about our little pink ivy cottage... the flower beds that I could fill/plant/dig/kill at will. Sigh...

Thursdayness

So this week has been BUSY! I had no idea! I feel a bit like I've run a marathon without training for it. If that were true I would be a pile of jello that hurt in places I had no idea existed until now. And I would be missing toenails because of course my shoes would be too tight.

That's what life has been lately. My work has taken me places that I had no idea existed for me. Marketing, web design (as far as the strict guidelines of the University allow... which are incredibly stupid by the way) advertising. It's just a lot for the ol' brain to wrap itself around right now and consequently there is a gelatinous feel to it I'm sure.

Take today for instance, I spent entirely too much time just trying to get the Catering logo on the website today. It was ridiculous! I thought about throwing my computer out the window but they are made with reinforced, fire-safe glass. It would have bounced back, landed on my foot, and crushed the tiny bones. Therefore, I didn't throw it but only because I hoped to walk out someday with a little dignity left. But boy did I feel like it.

I also felt like getting stamp that said "Stupid" and stamping people's foreheads with it. I would start with mine just so I could have a visible disclaimer to explain my actions. You have to admit that would be pretty funny to do. Mostly in jest, some in all the seriousness that I am capable of.

I can only hope that as Friday wraps up tomorrow, respite will be on the horizon bringing a much needed rest. I am looking forward to General Conference quite a bit this time around. Several reasons. First, you can't beat church in your pajamas. Second, I'll be getting in some serious knitting time. Third... well really you just can't beat church in pajamas which also has the accompanying "I get to get out of bed whenever I want and since the television is in the next room turn up the volume please" aspect.

Life is looking better already!

Socks for all.

For awhile now I have wanted to post about my socks. I have a love hate relationship with my foot attire. I hate to wear socks, but when I do, I have those that I love. Some because they are just fun and others with sentimental value.

These socks were given to me for my birthday by Brenda. I have another pair in brown. I love them for cold days and to warm up my feet in bed.

These are a cheap substitute for a pair I loved. Leslie and I bought tweety bird slipper socks together 800 years ago or so. They just recently wore out at the back and I had to throw them away. It was a sad day. These were purchased around the same time.
These were also a gift. They were from Justin "Yellow" for Valentine's Day. Who would give socks to someone for Valentine's Day you ask? Well now that explains a lot about him doesn't it. However, they are extremely warm and as they come up to my knees practically, they are perfect for cold days and hot cocoa.
Last but not least, the socks and pajamas that were a gift from Marissa and Tiff. I love the gripper bottom feature of the toe socks. Very sexy.
As a whole it's all really silly, but I just can't seem to part with them.

Because I am pathetic

Because I am pathetic I haven't been writing in my blog. I'm not sure what I have been doing besides staring at the television like a true couch potato should. I'm not sure exactly how this happened. I remember the days when I used to do things. Weird huh! And I mean aside from the usual housework-never-ends nightmare that is every woman's lot in life. I used to do little projects. Now I'm lucky to re-heat a descent meal and share it with my husband.

I've thought about folding the laundry for 4 days now. We had friends over for the Superbowl, kind of spontaneously, so I shoved the laundry in the basket into the den and haven't removed it yet. This wouldn't be too bad if it wasn't the second batch of laundry that's been shoved there this week. The first was on Tuesday when my piano student came. Apparently I do have some standards.

In all reality I have been addicted to the "play instantly" button on netflix along with MASH episodes (I'm currently on season 4 out of 11) and whatever else I can find on the internet. I can seriously feel my butt getting bigger even as I type. I really have to get back into the swing of things.

Independence! My downfall.

I am fiercely independent, almost to a fault and especially when it comes to finances. When David and I were engaged we went to the store because I needed a few groceries and he tried to pay for them. I was appalled! I wouldn't let him do it. I had a job, I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself thank you very much! He was dumbfounded of course because we were getting married in one week, what was the big deal. He would more than likely be drinking some of that same milk. But somewhere deep down inside of me my need to hold on to my independence was coming forth. I wouldn't let him do it. As soon as the marriage vows were taken however I asked for the checkbook and haven't looked back since!

I'm not sure all the ways that this independence was drilled into me, but a good chunk is just plain stubborness (got that from both sides of my family) and another chunk is the way I grew up. For as long as I can remember I started earning money to pay for my needs. My brothers and sisters and myself all worked potato harvest in the fall to pay for our school cloths, class dues, dances, etc. We had the money and we had to make it last the year. Now we weren't always that good with it so towards the Spring we would run out. So then we'd take the odd jobs around the house to get extra income. We cleaned the long cupboard which was worth $2-3, the Primary cupboard $2-3, and the fridge which was always worth more cause it was usually disgusting. In the summer I mowed lawns for income. I think somewhere along the line I believed that a responsible person pays for their own stuff, the end.

But that was a long time ago, surely none of that matters now. Not so. I think that I may have recently frustrated/offended my mother-in-law. I didn't mean to. I have felt so blessed to marry into such a great family. From the first day we've all pretty much gotten along. But you know how when you start dating someone you are always on your best behavior lest they see the ugly side of you? And then eventually it all comes out and you just hope that the guy is already trapped into liking you enough to see past all that bad stuff. We'll my best behavior is wearing off. I admit, it's been a shock that it would even happen, I mean it's not like we spend a lot of time in Hurricane. So either I'm much more comfortable around the fam or I really am not a nice person. I prefer the first.

So, back to my mother-in-law. We went to Wal-Mart the day after Christmas to pick up a few things. One was a game called Rage. She was getting one for Sophie and herself. She asked me if I wanted one and I said no. She asked a few more times about the game and other things and I kept saying no. The only thing I would let her buy was cold medicine for David.

I've thought about this a lot since it occurred. Why on earth did I put up such a fight for a $4.00 game! All she wanted to do was buy something for me and I was too stubborn to let it happen and it was for silly reasons. You see, the first time I said "no" it was an automatic response that I didn't even think about. After that it was a matter of pride. I'd already given my answer, stop trying to make me change it! "Change is for weaklings who don't know what they want! Sure I may not know what I want but I will die before I let you know that! Whaa ha ha haa!" I am completely ridiculous!

But Cynthia, if it helps, this is how the moment would have went with my mother:

"I'm getting a game for your sister, do you want one?"

"No thanks" (the automatic response)

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." (Not really, I've thought about it and it looks quite fun.)

"It's a fun game and I'm buying."

"Really, its' fine." (Now I really do want it, I'll come back someday and buy it myself)

"What if I got it for you as part of your birthday present?"

"Well, I guess that could work."

"Let me buy it for you for your birthday."

"Okay, I'll take it!"

What's worse is that sometimes we both want the same thing and we actually buy it for each other, all the while calling it a part of a birthday or Christmas gift, and exchange it in the car. For some reason that makes it alright.

Middle Ground

So, let's talk about life for a moment. You know, that thing you are supposed to be living right now? That series of events that help you progress and become the person that you really want to be. So, what is it that you really want to be?

I personally would like to be that person that never lets anything get under her skin. When "crisis" hits I would like to avoid the dirty-name-calling in my head and go right to the problem solver. (perhaps I should work on making those name-calling things stay in my head at least and not come out of my mouth... hmm.) It seems that I have become a very reactionary person as of late. You know, the kind that doesn't stop and think about what they are doing, they just react whether good or bad, appropriate or un. That's me. I didn't used to be that way. I have theories about this though.

First, when I started working USU Catering 2 1/2 years ago, I was a very nice person. In fact someone stated that I was probably the only one that worked there that liked everyone. They thought it was just me being an incredibly nice person. I informed them that I simply hadn't worked there long enough to hate someone yet. It got a big laugh at the time, but sadly I was right. Now, don't jump too quickly, I don't exactly "hate" anyone per se, but I do find some more obnoxious than others which leads me to my reactionary self. I find that since I have had to deal with people that I wouldn't consider a friend for far too long, I lose patience with them. The more I have to deal with the them quicker my patience leaves. Now it's got to the point that the very name shows on the caller ID and I'm already calling them names in my head and sometimes out loud. (I know, I'm such a good example for my staff... don't worry I can guilt myself enough over that one.) I'm just not sure how to come back from that.

On the other hand, at least I'm not bottling up my frustrations to be let out on some unsuspecting customer/friend/husband one day with guns blaring and tongue lashing... It's unhealthy to swallow everything right? Those are the people you read about, "She was always so nice and sweet, we just never saw the sawed-off shotgun coming!" So where's the middle ground?

I believe that will be my goal for the next little while. Perhaps I should implement the "count to ten" before saying anything. Who says all those fun things are reserved for children!