Companionship

I've been thinking a lot lately about companionship and my need for it sometimes and my desperate need to be alone sometimes. I think we all have those days when you just want the entire world to leave you alone for a few blessed hours while you collect yourself. No? just me? Not sure I believe that.

I've found myself doing odd things lately. Like taking simple tasks (getting primary manuals to teachers) and making it difficult. "Here, instead of me just taking my portion around by myself because I have the easier time getting away from it all, how about I make it difficult and have someone else come with me who happens to have children and it means some coordination and timing and isn't said person's responsibility anyways." Phew! Fortunately I came to my senses and a prompt email said "Hey I'm an idiot, don't worry about it, I will do it all by myself like a big girl." K, so it happened, get over it right?!

Well I can't help but ask myself why I do these silly things in the first place. So I shall ponder it in the willy-nillyness of my blog, where you dear readers can choose to ignore it, laugh at the ridiculousness of it, think about it yourselves, comment on it, or just go on with life thankful that you don't have to be me right now.

I used to be one of those people who were so independent that I went to movies and dinner by myself. (no, this did not have any reflection on my dating life... or at least I think it didn't.) I would take a book, sit down at Formosa, enjoy my tiny spicy chicken (which sounds really good about right now) and the printed word on the pages of whatever novel or school book was currently on the reading list. I even used to prefer doing visiting teaching by myself, of course that was mostly because it was so difficult to get 3 schedules to sync and if it was going to get done I would just do it. I enjoyed those times. I enjoyed the productivity of it all.

So how did I go from Miss Independent to Miss Help Me I Can't Do Anything By Myself? I'm not really sure. I think marriage had something to do with it. It's so nice to have David there as my perma-date/sounding board/dish helper/movie watcher/grocery shopper/generally go anywhere with me guy. Perhaps if he weren't such a good husband then I wouldn't have some of these problems? No that can't be it. Besides that's too simple and answer that requires little to no painful soul searching and I don't want my husband to stop doing thing with me. Maybe a deeper look will help.

Perhaps it is my fear of people. I know, sounds a little odd. I guess it's not so much a fear of people as what they think of me. Didn't I give that up years ago!? Didn't I come to the realization that it is ever so much easier to live when you just don't care what other people think and you go about your business the best way you know how? Of course, but that doesn't mean it stays gone forever. It kind of sneaks up on me like a little gnome and works it's way so cleverly back into my life that before I know it that little fear that I threw out of my life has perched itself right on my shoulder and taken shotgun in my journey through life. (the picture makes sense now huh.)

So where to now? It's time once again to throw the little guy out. I declare my independence once again, just more realistically. Let's face it, I like going out to eat with people and movies too. I like companionship. However, I don't have to have it all the time, especially if it puts other people out. When it is my responsibility and mine alone, who am I to drag someone else into it with me? I am a big girl and I can take care of things all by myself. So to those of you who have been the victim of an absurd need for company in doing small and simple no-company-required things. My apologies.

I will now do my best to do my duty... wait, I'm not a scout! But then again there's a lot to learn from those guys. So yes, I will do my best to do my duty to God and I suppose I better throw my country in with it. However I will add my primary presidency onto the list and my co-workers to. Don't we all have enough on our plates that the last thing we need is to have a healthy portion of 'stupid' heaped upon it? Now, does that relieve you from your duty dear reader? No. I don't want an extra portion of 'stupid' either. You can take care of your own too.