Sunday, August 30, 2009

Adoption workshop

What a weekend.

On Friday and Saturday David and I attending the adoption workshop. It was Friday from 6-9 pm and Saturday 8am - 6 pm. Fortunately our group was a bit ahead of schedule and we were done at 5:15 or so. Which was good because I think if anymore had been crammed into the day my brain would have melted.

I'm still trying to digest everything that was talked about. There were creative ways on financing adoption, discussions on dealing with and accepting your infertility, openness in adoption, how to fill out the paperwork, what to do and not do for your pictures, and how to tell your child they are adopted. Those just a few of the things that we talked about. Like I said, still trying to digest everything.

The thing that has given me most pause to consider is the openness in adoption. Most adoptions are open instead of closed, meaning you develop a pretty good relationship with the birth mother and keep her appraised of the child's development/progress. The amount of openness is up to us. I have known that it was something that was happening, but I can't say that I've really taken a good look at myself and tried to figure out just how open I could realistically be. It's been rolling around in my head for awhile.

I'm pretty sure that I will be just fine with email updates, pictures on a blog... I'm just not sure where visits will come in. The last thing that I want to do is make it harder on the birth mom than it already is to place her child with us. I'm just not sure where my line of comfort really is. I suppose I'll find out when I get there. So many things up in the air.

It really was a good workshop though. I'm glad I went and the more I think about it, the better I feel about the whole situation. There are lots of helps out there and bottom line is that if this is the way Heavenly Father has for us to start our family then it's the right way.

Kind of exciting huh! I may actually be a mom after all!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A few of my favorite things


One of my mostest favoritest things on the earth today is scaring my husband. Not in the honey I'm having an affair way (because I'm not and that would scare the tar out of both of us) but in the jumping out of dark corners and making him scream/jump/something.

I love it!

I can have the most horrid day in the entire world and if I can find an opportunity to scare David, it makes it all better. The world will have been righted, what was wrong is now right. It's the balm of Gilead to my soul.

I was really good at it in our old house. Mostly because it was old. There were some wonderful places to hide in the dark and jump out at him. The best part was that it worked almost every time. And he would jump so high! I of course laughed wickedly "he he heeee' and would run up the stairs before he could find time to react.

It's a little more difficult in this house, but I still find opportunities. Now that's love... right?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Barefoot Heart

Each year the Connections program at Utah State University has a book that is highlighted for the year. This year it was "Barefoot Heart" by Elva Trevino Hart. Our office always gets a copy to pass around and read. I just finished it and loved it. I was surprised because the reports from other who had read it said it was just 'alright'. They said she wandered while telling her stories and that it was hard to follow. I didn't have too high of expectations when I picked it up, but I'm not one to put down a book because someone didn't like it. I have to find out for myself.

I am pleased to report that I loved the book. LOVED. Elva grew up the last child of a Mexican family living in Texas. She was 7 years younger than the last child so she largely grew up by herself. She tells of her experiences working as migrants in the Summer and returning home to Texas to attend school in the Fall. I found it fascinating. She tells her story so well that I was shocked to find out that it was hard, even painful for her to write them down. Perhaps that it why I liked it so much. She faced her fears. She wrote down her own stories, her life, in order to find out who she really is. She had to face herself in order to embrace herself.

Truly it was beautiful. I had to give the office copy back to the office, but it is definitely one that I would own. So, if any of you are out there in want of a good read, I suggest this one. It does wander a bit, but when you learn what she is trying to do, it just may speak to your soul.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


There are a few things in life that haunt me. A memory that makes my blood do interesting things. I think about it and get ashamed of myself. It's one of those things that I've never really taken out and examined. It's always been too hard to face. Like if I brought it out I would find myself completely in the wrong even though I tried so hard to make it right.

It was back in High School. (Why do so many haunts occur in High School...) It was homecoming week. I don't remember what year, but it was the night of the snake dance. You couldn't miss the snake dance, it was the only time it was legal for a high-schooler to be in the bar. The whole of main street shut down, the entire high school population that could come came. We all joined hands in one long line and 'snaked' our way from the high school through to the other end of town. The bar was always open and it was the one establishment that allowed us to snake our way through. It ended at the Grace City Park where a bonfire was built and a replica of the opponent's mascot was hung and burned to wild cheers of victory to come. A glorious night indeed.

It was after the official festivities that my particular haunt occurs. It was customary to drag main, small as it is, after the event. I was driving the 'speed demon' or the 'demon truck from hell' as it was often called. In reality it was a little tan Toyota. It had to have a cool name otherwise it would have been embarrassing. I was proud of my little 'demon'.

I was driving. Someone was in the passenger seat. A whole lot of someones were in the back of the truck sitting and standing as we drove around. Tonya was one of them. Mom wasn't so sure she liked me hanging around with Tonya. I always seemed to get in trouble with her. Said she was a bad influence. I can't imagine why. Common sense seemed a little on the scarce side when we hung out. Like that time that we didn't want to come home from the movie so we called and said that Tonya had lost her wallet in the movie theatre and we'd be home late. Apparently it was a bit later than they anticipated (cause it takes 3 and a half hours to find a lost wallet in the Soda Springs Idanha theatre) as evidenced by the extremely angry face of my father as he waved me down while I dragging main with a boy at 1 am in the morning. I digress.

So Tonya was in the back banging on top of the cab. It was just like being inside a tin can. I asked her to stop, it kept going. I asked again, it kept going. Finally I got really mad and jerked the truck to the curb so that I could get out and take care of the 'issue'. What I didn't realize was that my jerk of the truck almost cost Tonya her life. That may be extreme, but when I pulled over she didn't have a good grip and almost flew out of the truck. She was hanging on for all she was worth, her face inches from the ground, and scared to death. Then she was mad.

I spent the rest of the night trying to apologize. She wouldn't accept. I was ashamed of my actions. I was ashamed to think that my loss of control almost seriously hurt my friend. I wanted so badly for her to accept my apology so the horrible feelings would go away. Those are the feelings that haunt me when I think about that time. I wanted reconciliation. I wanted to know that everything was okay. I wanted to feel better about what I had almost done. Like if she forgave me then I wouldn't have to be so ashamed anymore. I could chalk it up to 'stupid' and not have to loose too much sleep over it. I could put it to rest.

Life goes on, time passes... but that night occasionally pops up and haunts me. It all seems so silly now, but still I wonder if she ever did forgive me. I wonder if she ever knew how really sorry I was. I wonder if she even remembers that night.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


I often look back in wonder and awe at how my life has turned out. When I graduated from high school and thought I had everything figured out never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself here. In Logan, UT, renting a home, married but childless and still working. And I would never have imagined that I would be happy while doing it.

I really was such a mess back then. I look back at my high school years and filter it with the rosy-glasses. I don't think that I have been ready to face that time of my life for what it really was... some good times with a healthy dose of pain and and a large portion of confusion. Perhaps someday I will write more about it, but for now I'm not sure I can handle all that uncomfortableness. I am a person with a plan. It gives me comfort to have some direction in my life whether it be the list of Saturday chores or what it's going to take to get through this next year or so. Long term gets a little scary, but a nice short term something-that-I-can-control plan helps me stay focused.

When I graduated from high school my plan was to get enough education so that I didn't have to work in the cheese factory on swing shift. I would then wait for my high school crush (whose name will never be revealed so long as I have possession of my faculties) to return from his mission. He would then realize that I was the girl he wanted to be with so why waste anymore time. We would get married right away, I would work long enough to put him through school and then we would start our family, buy the house, and live happily ever after.

My short term plan for my long term life gave me security but was absolutely devastating when it didn't actually happen. I hadn't counted on my shyness getting in the way. I always knew that the person I married would almost have to be forced to get to know me. We would have to work together or serve in a church calling that forced us together. I take a bit to warm up to people. It stems from my deep fear of rejection. I have to watch people for a little while in order to 'read' them. To see if my craziness will be appreciated or if it will give them reason to mock and reject me.

At least that is how it used to be. I still take awhile to warm up, but not because I'm afraid I will be mocked or rejected. I've grown quite comfortable in my own skin. Really I just get nervous. I'm not really sure why. That's why David is so good for me. He can talk to anyone and while he talks, I listen. He essentially breaks the ice.

Do you think if you write about the humiliating times, they actually become less humiliating? How about the memories that you are ashamed of. Are they really that bad or do they just loom larger in your head because you've let then have free reign for so long... dictating to you whether or not you can embrace your past. After all, our past is a part of us whether we acknowledge it or not. Shouldn't we embrace it for what it is. Diminish the embarrassment of the past by holding it up and examining it in the light. Perhaps we've been suffering needlessly.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Just cause

Velvet, Abby, Mom, Samantha, Melissa, Me and Nessa in front.

So... This was taken at our Robbin's Family Reunion. We did a skit for the Friday evening hot dog roast. Please note that we all 'stuffed' in various places. I really don't look like that. I thought it was too fun not to post.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Let's talk about...

So, this week has been quite eventful, but strangely difficult to write about. I have spent the majority of the week at the Caribou County Fair in Grace, Idaho my home and I have learned a few things. I still have love for my home town although I feel it best at this time to point out that I lived on a farm outside of the city limits. Having spent 4 days at the fair grounds (and I mean days.. not a few hours here and there... all day long) with all the noise and people... that it brings with it, I have done some evaluating.

First. I think it would be an extremely difficult thing for David and I to move back to Grace or the surrounding areas. Not because it's a bad place, but I have really grown used to restaurant selection and paved roads. I can always visit mom and dad for peace and quiet.

Second. I will never be a part of an adult dance group that performs at the local fair. Rockin Rythym Cloggers... not for me. I was actually part of the group when I was in the 7th grade... I really was in shock that it was still going. Who cloggs anymore?

Third. I will always try to look in the mirror before I go out of the house. If I'm okay with it then it's my fault if I get mocked.

Fourth. Greeting cards just don't sell (at least not in Grace). If you're into that then you make them yourself. Were I to do a booth again, I would raffle a quilt.

Fifth. Always go to your high school reunions, you never know who you are going to run into. My good friend Connie attended and I haven't seen her since she got married right around 12ish years ago. Perhaps I should say one time good friend since we've not been in contact for so long. But I really was surprised and glad to see her. What an opportunity to reconnect! I have been thinking a lot about her for the past year and didn't really know where to find her. Her parents had moved away and I didn't really know where anyone else was to find out about her. So what a pleasant surprise to see her at the reunion! Who knew!

So that's what I've been up to. Lost in the nostalgia of high school days, hanging out at the fair grounds, and being thankful for the life I have. I guess it was worth it then wasn't it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

What...! A post!?

Yeah, I know, it's been a really long time since I have posted anything. We're already into August and I really don't have that good of an excuse. The most I can claim is that my brain has been turned into mush. I have a theory about it. I think that being Primary President has pushed it over the top. Filling out adoption papers, holding down a job, taking care of church, taking care of husband, taking care of self... You get the picture. I'm amazed my hair got done this morning! If it were acceptable to wear a hat to work I would.

Now that that is over. How about a list of things I'm looking forward to.

1. Getting this week over. It's our class reunion on Saturday... still not sure how I feel about it but I've paid my money I might as well enjoy the meal.

2. We're going to spend a few days in Steamboat Springs, CO for our 4th anniversary. Never been but why not! And all of the activities are pretty inexpensive and right now that is a very good thing.

3. Fall weather. Fall is my mostest favoritest time of year. I love the warm days and the crisp chill of the evening. Sad that it brings Winter but it is magical for me.

4. Believe it or not I am looking forward to school starting up again. I don't know if it symbolizes normalcy in some sick and crazy way, but it is what it is.

5. A new camera. Not just the replacement for now, but a nice new really big expensive so many buttons and whistles it makes my head spin camera. I drool at the thought. Won't be able to get it for a while but when we do, look out world!

That's pretty much it for now. Not too much progress on the adoption thing. Writing a letter to the birthmom is HARD. I think it's the whole pressure thing. What if I don't say it just right... I'll just have to get brave and give it a go.

And just to rant: Why do stupid people who may or may not be in my family... have to pooh pooh really good ideas just cause it would be a slight step out of their own comfort zone? Blechk! I shake my fist in your general direction.

The end.