Exposed

I often look back in wonder and awe at how my life has turned out. When I graduated from high school and thought I had everything figured out never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself here. In Logan, UT, renting a home, married but childless and still working. And I would never have imagined that I would be happy while doing it.

I really was such a mess back then. I look back at my high school years and filter it with the rosy-glasses. I don't think that I have been ready to face that time of my life for what it really was... some good times with a healthy dose of pain and and a large portion of confusion. Perhaps someday I will write more about it, but for now I'm not sure I can handle all that uncomfortableness. I am a person with a plan. It gives me comfort to have some direction in my life whether it be the list of Saturday chores or what it's going to take to get through this next year or so. Long term gets a little scary, but a nice short term something-that-I-can-control plan helps me stay focused.

When I graduated from high school my plan was to get enough education so that I didn't have to work in the cheese factory on swing shift. I would then wait for my high school crush (whose name will never be revealed so long as I have possession of my faculties) to return from his mission. He would then realize that I was the girl he wanted to be with so why waste anymore time. We would get married right away, I would work long enough to put him through school and then we would start our family, buy the house, and live happily ever after.

My short term plan for my long term life gave me security but was absolutely devastating when it didn't actually happen. I hadn't counted on my shyness getting in the way. I always knew that the person I married would almost have to be forced to get to know me. We would have to work together or serve in a church calling that forced us together. I take a bit to warm up to people. It stems from my deep fear of rejection. I have to watch people for a little while in order to 'read' them. To see if my craziness will be appreciated or if it will give them reason to mock and reject me.

At least that is how it used to be. I still take awhile to warm up, but not because I'm afraid I will be mocked or rejected. I've grown quite comfortable in my own skin. Really I just get nervous. I'm not really sure why. That's why David is so good for me. He can talk to anyone and while he talks, I listen. He essentially breaks the ice.

Do you think if you write about the humiliating times, they actually become less humiliating? How about the memories that you are ashamed of. Are they really that bad or do they just loom larger in your head because you've let then have free reign for so long... dictating to you whether or not you can embrace your past. After all, our past is a part of us whether we acknowledge it or not. Shouldn't we embrace it for what it is. Diminish the embarrassment of the past by holding it up and examining it in the light. Perhaps we've been suffering needlessly.