Dear Friday...

Dear Friday,
I'm so glad that you are here, but why did you have to bring snow too?

Dear David,
You are the love of my life.  Sometimes I forget that and sometimes it comes rushing back with full force.  Thank you for being the man that you are.  The one who helps me, listens to me, and loves me despite me.

Dear Ben,
I love your stinkin' guts! Your twin drool lines down your face crack me up. I can't get over how big you are getting and I would like you to slow it down just a bit.  At least until I can relish these moments a little more.

Dear Flowers,
I know you are getting another layer of snow but please do not let this deter you from showing yourselves.  I have been looking forward to your arrival for months now and I am ridiculously excited for your color and life.

Dear Quilt,
I'm almost done with you.  Did you ever think it would happen?  Me neither.  Thanks for hanging in there through it all.

A lovely weekend to you all,

Lora

Own it, and be Beautiful

David and I had issues.  I use the past tense because that's what it is, in the past.  We had issues.  You see, we weren't getting along all that well.  We were getting on each other's nerves.  I felt like my needs weren't being met.  I needed him to change.  I needed him to be someone I could rely on, someone that could help me be happy.

He needed me to change.  His needs weren't being met.  I was not helping him to be happy.

We're not really sure when it started.  We think it reared it's ugly head when I was having all those issues with pregnancy.  Then comes the delivery of our sweet little boy and a whole new set of changes needed to be dealt with but this time with no sleep.

I needed David to come home and be a rockstar.  Someone who would walk in the door and be the strong person that I could lean on after a trying day.  The person who would make everything okay.

He needed to come home and be back in the arms of his rockstar.  I was to be strong and make everything okay after his trying day.

Do you see where this is going?

Everything came to a head a few weeks ago.  I pulled the airing of grievances card and made us have a good old pick each other apart session so he could change and be what I thought I wanted.  What I thought I needed.  I thought that's how things would be fixed.  By being brutally honest with each other.  Laying it all out on the table and picking it all apart and seeing what needed to happen.

My plan backfired.  (Shocker huh!) It created... issues.  Issues that weren't there before.  Things were said that hurt but rang true.  Well, trueish.  And some just seemed absolutely impossible to fix.  Like changing the stripes on a zebra.

I need it to be understood that we weren't miserable, we weren't a mess, we weren't hating life, we just weren't as happy as we had been in the past.  We still enjoyed each other's company, something was just... off.

We parted ways for a bit so we could think and take stock of what had just happened.

When did everything change?  What happened to us?  We used to be madly in love with each other.  We used to be completely happy with each other.  We used to have fun and talk about everything in the world.  The thing that drew us together was that we could be ourselves.  No pretenses.  No fundamental need to change.  We loved each other, were wildly attracted to each other.  We used to be enough for each other just as we were.  And being enough for each other made us better.

These were the questions that I pondered.  How on earth could I change so much so that we could be happy again.  How do I change my being?  How did this relationship become so... complicated? And then it hit me.  Something I learned back in the days of single hood.  Independence is attractive!  Being an independently happy person, genuinely happy without relying on someone else for it... is attractive.  It makes people beautiful. It makes others want to be around them.  It gives others permission to be themselves.

I used to be that independently happy person.  That is what had changed.  I was relying on David for my happiness and creating an impossible and extremely taxing job to his already full load.  No wonder it wasn't working!  I was asking the impossible.  I had set him up for complete failure.

I am in charge of my own happiness.  David is in charge of his own happiness.  We are in charge of Ben's happiness until he's old enough to take some of that on himself.

It was simple.

Overnight there was a spring back in my step.  There was a smile back on both of our faces.  We enjoy each other's company.  We talk about everything in the world.  We smile, we laugh, and we genuinely like to be around each other once again.  We are enough for each other.  Nothing needs to change that we didn't already know about before this whole thing began.  Our quirks are okay again.  And I am wildly in love with my husband again and he didn't have to change to make that happen.  It just feels so good.

I have more to say, about genuine beauty, about body acceptance... embracing your flaws.  Owning yourself and being beautiful.  But this is enough for now.

Blessings

I woke up this morning next to the man I love (that would be my husband in case anyone is wondering) and couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the blessings that are a part of my life.

To start out with, have I mentioned how much I just love my in-laws?  Well it's true.  This Thanksgiving was held at our house.  Usually we are at either my parents or David's parents, but it was a little different this year.  We hosted it at our house and invited my in-laws and my parents.  Ten adults were in our not so large house and the Thanksgiving feast fell to me.

I admit, at first I was a bit nervous but as assignments were made and the cooking was well underway I only semi fell apart a couple of times.  Once was with the pies.  Banana cream to be exact.  First round (fortunately made on Wednesday), the crust decided to not cooperate and balloon up behind my back.  Couldn't fill them if I wanted to.  After a terse round of choice words, I sent my sister to the store to buy some frozen crusts.  They baked up wonderfully so I made the filling.  That wonderful home made banana cream pie filling which I have made several times before and has always turned out so very tasty and perfect and wonderful and this time decided not to set up... not even a little.  We had banana cream soup.  Tasty banana cream soup, but soup nonetheless.

Second almost tragedy was the yams.  When doing a large amount of yams in the crock pot it is best to start them cooking several days before.  Okay. Slight exaggeration.  However, when the turkey was done and we were getting the last of the food all prepared, the yams were as hard as ever.  Thanks to the genius of people who can think with a more level head than my pregnant self right now, into the microwave they went and turned out beautifully!

So, dinner was on the table a full 15 minutes before we had planned and it went beautifully!  And my mother's mashed potatoes were so creamy. We all talked and laughed and laughed and talked and just enjoyed the day.  And then my wonderful wonderful father-in-law did the best thing ever!  He did the dishes!  I mean it! How cool is that!  The rest of the evening was spend playing games and laughing and talking, eating pie and enjoying each other's company.  I was thrilled.  Thrilled to have everyone there, thankful to hear people talking, and just overjoyed that my parents enjoyed it as much as everyone else seemed to.

Friday brought on a breakfast of Dutch pancakes and bacon and then a loading of the car as people traveled back home.  David, Abby (my sister who is living with us now) and I then pretended to clean things up but really didn't.  Sat in our pajamas, watched three movies, played board games, ate leftovers and stayed in pajamas the entire day! The most glorious Black Friday ever.

So today I am here.  Overwhelmed a bit with thankfulness for all the wonderful people in my life.  For my family on both sides.  Both sides of which I just absolutely love.  Words almost cannot express how much.  Thankful for my home, for our neighbors, our ward family, our friends.  Thankful for the incredible women of book club and the joy and laughter they bring to my life.  Thankful for my friends at work and the support they are to me.  Thankful for the bestest husband ever who makes me laugh and understands me when I go crazy.  Who loves me.  Thankful for the little guy that will be a part of our lives even more in February.  Thankful for doctors who know what they are doing.  Thankful for God.  For his blessings, his tender mercies, his hand in all parts of our lives.

Today we will decorate for Christmas.  Get a tree, put up lights, and start making our own magic of the season.  That magic that comes because of this special time of year.  When we think of others and how we can give to them.  When it is a little easier to follow the teachings of Christ and put the needs of others before our own.  To celebrate his birth and the miracle of his life. He is the reason for the season.

As the World Turns

I used to think that the scientists had it right.  The Earth was spinning on an axis of sorts keeping the delicate balance up that keeps most of us from burning or freezing.  Natural disasters, global warming and all that jazz aside of course.

This past month has taught me something entirely different.  My world revolves around my couch!  The couch is what is keeping the delicate balance of my life.  It's proximity to the bathroom, the tv remote, and various items of food.  Okay, well not so various.  August has brought to my delicate palate Chicken Pot Pies, Chicken Ramen Noodles, Pringles Salt and Vinegar chips, and three kinds of cereal.  Sometimes the pot pie is for lunch and the ramen for dinner, sometimes I get wild and crazy and switch it up.  I know, hold me back!  But that's not what this is about.

So what is this about?  Well I'll tell ya.  As I've been wallowing in despair, depression, morning/all-day sickness, and finding a will to live, I've learned a few things. 

1.  Good friends are absolutely invaluable.  Especially when you've dropped off the face of the communication earth and they still love and support you.

2.  It's okay if you have to take something to get through the day.  I've struggled with depression before but have always been able to keep it at bay with regular exercise and a good daily routine.  Pregnancy changed that.  And that's okay.  Modern medicine is a good thing.  So are therapists.  So are conference talks online and inspirational music.  Things are really looking up.

3.  I am most definitely not the only one who struggles right now.  My struggle is dealing with something that will ultimately fulfill everything that I have really wanted.  To be a mom. I have a reward at the end.  So many others are struggling right now with no end in sight.  Family, friends, perfect strangers.  In my self-wallowing pity party (which was completely justified, acceptable, and often beyond my control to stop by the way) I haven't seen much past me.  Now, as the dark cloud over my head has been lifting, I am seeing so much more.  So many who need a helping hand and support and love.  To know that they are OK and wonderful, marvelous, incredible people.  To have someone tell them that it's going to be OK.  That even though they can't see a way out right now, it's still there.  The clouds will lift.  There will be happiness again.

My husband did that for me.  My friends did that for me.  My family did that for me.  Angels come in so many forms.  So to you all, and you know who you are, Thank You.  A long overdue thank you.

And now to go forward.  I've had a few really good days.  I won't be so naive as to think that the bad ones are over forever.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel.  There is hope.  There is joy.

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

It's time.  It's time to come clean, to stop my absence from the blogosphere and let you know what is really going on here.

You see, I've had this vision in my head of what life is supposed to be like when pregnant.  The strong woman who experiences the morning sickness (or all day sickness as the case may be) and soldiers on with a determined smile.  She realizes that this is her lot and rather than complain, she thinks of the little one growing inside and knows that it will all be worth it.  She continues on, does her job, cleans her home, and cooks for her husband.  She retires for the evening with no complaint and prepares to do it all again.  She is somewhat of a saint.

I am not a saint.  Nor will I ever be one.  If there is one thing that I have really got to be honest about it is this: When have I ever  not complained?  Seriously.  I give the play by play and infuse a healthy does of whining.  I'm sitting here thinking that I have gotten exactly what I asked for... only not.  You see I want the pregnancy, I'll even take the weight gain, I just really really really don't want the sickness.  I also think that if I was 20 and somewhat naive about life I would be handling this much better.  I think that I would bounce back better.  When I was 20 I could stay up till 3 am and it would hardly make a difference in my abilities the next day.   But I'm not 20.  I'm 35 and 10 pm is my bedtime, 3 am will likely kill me.  I'm tired and I'm sick and I know that there are drugs out there than can help and why on earth would I not ask for those drugs!!?

I am not gracious and self sacrificing.  I am selfish and nauseous.  My house is a mess and I can't stand to look at the dishes let alone do them.  I'm having second thoughts... or third or fourth thoughts on our kitten.  I'm tired of the mess he makes.  It's not big, but it's there and again, I don't even have the willpower to do the dishes!  I think our basement smells funny and I don't know how to make it stop.  I don't know if it really does or if I'm super sensitive right now and everything smells funny.  I hate the taste of water and milk.  Soda is too sugary.  Juice only sounds good part of the time and only if I don't mix it.  The only food I've been able to make and actually eat is a pasta salad and tomato soup.  If I handle things too long then I think about it and then my stomach turns.  My salvation has been Sonic tater tots and I think I may have pushed it too far yesterday cause even that sounds gross right now.

My husband is my salvation.  He made the menu (I couldn't because nothing sounded good) and he's been cooking.  Fortunately we're just two and one meal will last several days, so really it's only a 2-meal thing.  I have found that if he makes it there's a chance I could eat it and be just fine.  He tells me not to worry about the house.  He says that no one is a good housekeeper when they don't feel good.  He tells me I look beautiful.  He tells me I'm doing fine.  He tells me not to be too hard on myself.  He tells me I'm okay.

See, my salvation.

So dear friends.  I need some advice from you.  You with experience in these matters.

1.  what did you do to help stem the all-day sickness?  Drugs? Spices? Voo-doo?

2.  Cleaning solutions: Tawnya, this one is more for you, didn't you do a vinegar thing that worked really good on floors?  It's random I know, but I desperately need to do a deep clean with no residue on anything.

3.  When in your first trimester of pregnancy how did your house look?

4.  Did you feel like you were going insane?  I kind of feel that way. 

So there you have it.  All out in the open.  No more hiding behind the saint/martyr image in my head.  Declaring my freedom to be who I am with no excuses.

Thank you dear friends.

Thankful for..

1.  Little Caesar's pizza at 9:30 pm.  Felt pretty darn good this morning.
2.  My husband's willingness to cook breakfast... banana pancakes.
3.  4 day weekend for my husband.
4.  The fact that I work at home so I get a 4 day weekend too.
5.  Wonderful family who has invited us for the 4th.
6.  Friends who have so willingly put up with me.
7.  The pitter-patter of kitten feet.
8.  A/C to be installed on Thursday.
9.  Good co-workers who also put up with me.
10. David's Family. I think they are awesome! All of them, extended and everything.
11. Good advice.
12. Good fences.
13. Restaurants so I don't have to cook.
14. Book Club women, past and present... sigh...
15. Life and all that it brings.

I feel a little overwhelmed at so much love and generosity and good feelings that have come our way these last few years.  We'll we've always been blessed but we've been completed overwhelmed as of late.  And Trish, I was so good to see you last Sunday, I was sad to have to leave so early!  It was fun to chat and laugh and enjoy.  One of the many perks of being down South last weekend.

It is time now to move on.  Time to get over the shock of these blessings and become a participating member of society once again.  To reciprocate the support that has been given.  Time to clean the house, really clean the house.  Time to get back into a work routine.  To cook even if I don't feel like it.  Time to be the responsible adult. 

And you know what?  It feels good.  Really good.  I feel like I've got my feet back under me again.  Not so much tossing about with every wind or hormone injection.  So thank you all again for everything.  Here's to a new chapter.

Progression... kind of

This week:

1.  I have been to Salt Lake and back twice.  Each time for a doctor's appointment.  Each time to know we are right on track except for...

2.  Remember "Bob" and his nasty little brother "George".  Turns out George is still there, which we knew.  Which doesn't surprise me. A. Bit.  But he has hindered my right side, so it's up to my left ovary to make good on deal.  To respond with wit and charm and productivity to my nightly drug cocktail.  So that we can...

3.  Spend Sunday and Monday and probably Tuesday and Wednesday and next Saturday in Salt Lake again.  Yep, moving right along keeps us moving right along!  Can someone please invent a safe auto-pilot for our car that can be installed tomorrow?  Thanks.

4.  Last Saturday we pulled a lot of trees out of the yard.  And by "we" I mean David did all the work and I drove the truck.  4 loads to the green waste pile at the Logan Landfill.  4 large loads.  So much  more to go.  Feels good to be moving forward though so we can...

5.  Put in a raised garden in our front yard.  We don't play in our front yard.  Seems a shame to waste good sun on grass that we hate to mow.  So a raised garden it will be.  If it ever stops raining that is.

I know there's more my friends.  So much more.  Laughing, sharing, crying.  But right now I'm tired.  So very tired.  My doctor says that it's one of the side effects of Lupron but it doesn't usually effect too many people.  We've always known I'm not one of the "many" though.  And that's okay.

Have a lovely weekend my friends.

Monday Photo

I have decided to make a change.  Since I always want to blog on Monday but can't seem to get my act together over the weekend to actually have something up... well.  Tuesday photo has turned into Monday photo.  Try not to let it throw you off. (insert picture of me smirking)

This last week I had to opportunity to do Senior Photos for a person in my ward.  I was really nervous, but David was kind enough to go out with me a few days before and scout out some good areas.  Of course he had to pose for me so that I knew what I was doing.  He's such a ham I love it!

Have you ever sang with the Devil in the hot spotlight?

There is a lady in our ward who works or volunteers with the Utah Festival Opera, here in Logan. She was responsible for getting a few "extras" to do a musical number for a fundraiser event. It would include dinner, a Big Band and a few musical numbers by, among others, Michael Ballam (You might remember him as Satan), who is a big part of the Utah Festival Opera organization. She called me one evening and asked if I would like to be one of these extras.

"You want me???"

"Yup!!!"

"Are you sure???"

"Yup!"

"Let me think about it and I will get back with you."

The number she wanted me to be in was a Sailor for "There is Nothing Like a Dame" from "South Pacific". The whole evening would be themed around the musical since it will be one of the plays that the Utah Festival Opera will be putting on later in the year.

This is something like I have never done before. I have sung in choirs, and even done a few solos, but I have never been in a play, let alone a musical. This was going to be a little acting, kinda. It would involve blocking, movement, costumes. It would involve CHOREOGRAPHY!!! It was going to involve people who were paying $65 a pop to go to this thing, who love Utah Festival Opera shows with real professionals. We were to be the main event! Me? Are you Serious?

So, I mention this to Lora, and after that, there was no way I was going to get out of it. And that was that. At least a couple of the sailor extras were friends from the ward. This was also something that they had never done before.

For your viewing pleasure, I present . . .

The evening was pretty fun. We were able to enjoy the whole Dinner and program for free, and we could bring in a guest for only $25. All three of us made a night of it with our wives, (Since, lets be honest, they were the main motivating factor here).

When we performed, I wasn't very nervous until the minute before we were up. We had practiced only the Thursday before and went through it a couple of times earlier that night. It went well I thought. It didn't seem like anyone messed up too badly. I remembered most of the lines and movements. All in all it went alright. We got a big applause. Lora said we were the best act of the night and it was good for us to be the last number. And I felt good about it up until I saw the video Lora had taken of us.

So, there are things called perceptions. These things, it turns out can be completely out of line with each other and even more so with reality. I don't mean to say that our number was actually bad. I bet most people will think it was pretty good, and it was rightly so that the audience liked us. The video showed me that my perceptions of two things were . . . lets just say, they were off somewhat.

The first is what I look like. I was trim and athletic in high school and stayed that way up until I hit about 30. Looking at the movie, all I could say was, "Wooohhh, hey there fatso!" Now, I know I'm not fat. I'm just heavier than my perception of my self. Even when I look in the mirror, I see more what I used to look like. I think it is pretty funny how we hold on to our youth so much like that.

The other perception that was "adjusted", if not completely shattered, was my abilities as a musical actor. I am not ashamed of my first performance. I think I did alright. I thought the other two from the ward did AWESOME, especially considering this is something we have never done before. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, when I look at the video, I don't see a sailor singing about the virtues of the fairer sex, so to speak. I see a guy who is anxious about messing up and looking at the leader of the group for his cues nearly the entire time.

Oh, and I apologize for mentioned leader's t-shirt riding up a few times. I'm sorry to say it isn't a pretty sight. You may even want to avert your eyes at the end.

Anyway, there you go. Some good blackmail material if you want it. But you may not be able to extort much from me, because I really don't have regrets, and it was a pretty fun night. Besides, not everyone can say they performed while accompanied by Satan.

The Dirty Mistress

My husband has another love.

I'm not sure what to do about it.  It used to be me that turned his head, kept him on the edge of his seat with my witty banter.  I could captivate him for hours.

That's all changed now.

It's partially my fault.  I did give him my permission.

I just didn't know it would be so hard to compete.

Younger, smoother skin, slender.

It just doesn't seem fair.  Where did I go wrong?

Sigh.

Honey, should I get more games?  Is that it?

I can sing in your ear too you know.

I'll even give you the weather report if you want.

The Week in Review

I came home early from church today.  David has slicker shoes so I opted to walk home in the rain.  It felt appropriate to my mood.  I am just not feeling all that well though I'm not entirely sure all of it is physical.  I feel a little blue today.  I'm sure the weather has something to do with it, and January as a whole... that whole no sunshine thing gets to me every stinkin' year! 

On the way home I had a good think though.  Things are usually never how they seem.  The darkest fears more often than not don't come true, or at least not to the extent we fear.  I got to thinking about everything that has happened this week, good and bad, and I just want to share what I've learned, or in most cases re-learned.

1.  Miracles do happen.  See here, and then here.  Thank you all for putting this little family in your prayers.  It's not quite over but the biggest fears are put to rest.

2.  It has been re-confirmed that my decision to go to part time is indeed a good thing.  And perhaps for my sanity a paper chain would be the right thing to do.

3.  I have a great friend at work who makes all the crazy worthwhile.  Thank you Amy for making it so easy to laugh!

4.  I really do love photography.  I'm not that good at it, but already I can see improvement in my picture quality and composition.  Still not great, but better and most importantly, I really enjoy it.

5.  Having choir practice after church doesn't stress me out nearly as much as having it before church! Shazaam!

6.  I seriously miss exercise and so do my flappy calf muscles.  It's been right around 3 months since I've been able to exercise regularly and now I'm lucky to get 1 day in a week.  None of that being jumping around or running or anything.  This is due to...

7.  My shoe, or rather the foot.  I haven't written about this but many of you know already.  I injured my left foot by over-using it.  I blame this solely on high heels and bridal fair.  Never mind that the injury didn't occur then or that it really can't be pin-pointed.  It's what I'm going with.  Now I have a shoe, one that the doctors give you with specific instructions to stay off of it and I mean it!

8.  Bone bruises take a long time to heal.  Yep, that's the problem with the foot.  Bone bruised on the ball of my foot.  Really difficult to go down stairs.

9.  It's almost impossible to find cute shoes that offer the support needed to heal a bone bruise. Shoe Carnival saved me though.

10.  I'm not very good at making lists.

11.  I have the best husband ever.  I've stated it before but he has been so supportive of me it's almost ridiculous. He puts up with my mood swings and still wants to hang around me!  Amazing right!

That being said, I am feeling slightly better.  I guess that hymn "Count Your Blessings" really does work.

I hope this Sunday brings you some peace.  I hope this coming week brings enjoyment and gets you one step closer to your dreams.  And if not, may lots of chocolate come your way to help you get through it all.

Peace out.

What a day!

It's time's like this, tragic times filled with sorrow and confusion, ie. death of a loved one, health issues, or birthdays, that really help you know that you really do have the bestest friends in the entire world! 

I'm usually quite excited about my birthday.  In fact, I get a kick out of calling various members of my family and asking them if they have something to say to me.  Every year I am met by an awkward pause, and stumbling voice of the person wracking their brain while trying to figure out what on earth they have to tell me.  The longer it goes the more I get a kick out of it.  In fact, I delight  in it.  It's almost better than having them actually remember my birthday before I remind them.

This year was not one of those years.  In fact, this is the first time that I have actually dreaded a birthday.  I woke up feeling none to celebratory.  35.  35. 35.  That's all that went through my head.  Oh and "how did I let things get out of hand like this!  grrr!"  You know, like I actually had a say in it.  So yea, the day didn't start out that great.

But then again... I am just amazed at the wonderful people in my life that are not my family so are therefore exempt from the "hey you, tell me I'm great" phone call and just flat out surprise me!  I just feel so dang lucky to have such wonderful women in my life and just so blessed because of the silver linings the Lord continually gives me.  And did I mention my husband.  He's really just the best.

I ended up going home for my actual birthday and spending time my parents.  (Let's take a minute to give them a shout out because they actually got the internet! That's right folks, they are moving out of the dark ages and coming to grips with such wonders as: online shopping, the wonders of YouTube, movie trailers at your fingers tips, and of course, this blog!  To quote an oft used phrase for such an occasion, 'Hell has truly frozen over'.)  But moving on.  Spent the afternoon with the parents and came home better for it.  In fact, I was actually ready to not only face the rest of the day, but the week as well.  Truly magical!

So back to Logan I go and what to my wondering eyes should appear but David up to his elbows in chocolate so dear.  A cake!  A birthday cake!  Chocolate with more chocolate.  And it was made from scratch!  Not even out of a box.  Yep, that's love.

 But wait, there's more.  I received thoughtful gifts from friends and my little heart almost burst.  And then, just when I thought it was all done, I went out today, a full day after my birthday and came home to a fun little package on my doorstep.

And before I had the sense to take a picture,  I dove right in.  And I can for sure tell you... mmmmmmm.  The card says: What happens at the dessert cart, stays at the dessert cart.  Oddly enough, I was reminded of last book club... hmm, wonder why...

So, to sum up.  I have the best group of friends in the entire world.  Seriously.  And not only does that make an unwanted birthday more bearable, but I truly hope that the same people are around next year.  Thank you all!

Tough Choices

Saturday was filled with choices.  Unexpected choices.  And one really tough one.

You see, I am one of those people who are riddled with guilt when choosing between duty and self.  Whether it's duty to an employer, duty to church, duty to friends, duty to strangers on the street.  Whenever I choose something for myself, even though it is clearly the best thing, I am riddled with guilt about who I might be letting down.

It's the worst at work.  I have on occasion run myself into the ground before realizing "Hey!  You might want to start taking care of our own well-being sister!"  And then I back off, take a little time for myself, and get my life back in order.  Unfortunately these things are also accompanied by guilt guilt and more guilt for at least half of the day off being taken.  Long vacations are the worst.  If we are gone for 5 days I finally start to really relax on day 3.5.  It's really obnoxious, just ask my husband.

Which brings us to Saturday.  It was our ward Christmas party.  We had missed the last two weeks of church and had missed the announcement and I had made tentative but un-voiced plans for David and I.  I wanted to go to A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Morgan Theatre on campus.  My friend's son was in it and all reports were good and it was the last night it was showing.  I wanted a date night.  (It's amazing how even though it's just us, we rarely make time for dates... pathetic huh.)  Anyway, my automatic response at finding out about the Christmas party was "well, guess we won't be going to the play after all."  But I was a little, okay a lot, frustrated with that choice.  Like my plans didn't count because I had this duty.   

In fact I was so frustrated that I was completely ornery for a good portion of the day.  Finally I talked to David about it.  We went to dinner and the play, and had a wonderful time.  We laughed so much at parts of the play that my stomach hurt and I was crying.  Hilarious!  So good for the soul.  But I did have to ask David at least three times whether this was really okay. In fact 3 times during dinner alone my guilt was brought into play.  Do you know what he finally said?  "You need to be here with me more than they need you at the ward Christmas party."  And you know what, he was right!

That's why my husband is awesome.  So good and putting things in perspective.  Sad I missed the party, but oh so glad for date night with David and a night on the town. So glad to make decisions instead of letting everyone and everything else make them for me.

The moral of the story you ask?

Stand up and take control!  Act rather than be acted upon!  Don't let guilt rule your life! 

Or at least keep it to a minimum cause let's face it, old habits die hard.

May this coming weekend be guilt free for you all!

One Step at a Time

Lora has hinted several times that she would be very interested to see what I would have to say about our Journey so far with trying to have children. So... here is trying to put into words what it is like for me. It may turn out to be a book, so trudge through at your own risk.

I don't think anyone ever expects to wait so long for some things in there life. I knew I didn't want to get married young and always thought it would be sometime after I turned 25. I guess be careful what you wish for because I had no idea it would take me until almost 33. Earlier on, I didn't put it off, but I didn't pursue it nearly as much as I could have. Through all of that waiting, I always knew somehow that I would find someone wonderful, and lo and behold I found her, and she was definitely worth the wait.

When we were married, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children right away either. Selfishly or not, in spite of getting married later in life (at least around these parts) I wanted to have at least a year with Lora to myself. Yet again, a wish for a little time turned into a surprisingly long wait, because here we are, 5 years and still waiting and we still don't know when children will come.

For me, it is easy to see some similarities between waiting to find the one to marry and trying to have children. I enjoyed life. I was basically pretty happy as I am tremendously so now with Lora, but I started to feel and now feel even more so the missing part of what else I want in my life: then marriage, and now children. Although I say it's a wait, really it is more a pursuit. You have to take steps and go after what you want. To get married, you have to meet people and date. For us to have children we have registered to adopt at an agency and we are also going to a fertility clinic. For each, you took the step, hoping it will turn out with what you wish, but many times you had to keep going even after there were times when the signs pointed to it being the time had finally come when it actually was not; a canceled engagement here, a you think your are pregnant there. Those close calls can be hard.

Trying to have children is also different. Even though it is much better to go through the hard times together, it seems you feel the pain for both of you. I feel much more urgent this time. A part of that is simply that the clock is ticking. How old will I be when it finally happens? When they Graduate? When they get Married and have there own kids? Will I be around long as a Grandpa? But the bigger part is that, even though I feel we are really happy now and enjoying life with just the two of us, it's just knowing that there is this other aspect to life that will be much more difficult, but oh so much more rewarding with children, and I want that.

One of the biggest frustrations is I want to go faster than we are able. Either it costs so much so we have to save for it, or it just takes so much time and energy, or life just simply gets in the way. For fertility, it was minor complications slowing the doctor down and him being cautious. Now that we are going to a good fertility clinic, I feel like we are moving a lot faster. Or it was getting signed up for adoption which is quite the involved process and it just takes a long time. Even when we decided to buy a house and we just couldn't focus on much else, adoption or doctors. Some things just take too much focus to do much else.

Adoption brings its own interesting thoughts and feelings. I'd always been open to the idea since my cousin, whose family I am very close to, was adopted. Her older sister also adopted her first son. I also have several other family and friends who have adopted. From them I knew that adopted children are not second class kids who the parents had to settle for, but are as much a part of the family as any other child, loved as much as any other; and that is how it would be with us. But I have heard and seen how adoption brings its own challenges. Adopted kids basically have both a heritage from the family they are adopted into as well as a biological heritage from their birth parents. A part of them will be from other than you. This is even more so now that adoptions are much more open and not closed like they used to be. Depending on how involved the birth parents will want to be, there will be other people in the lives of your adopted child. I've seen some where they are like extended family. That isn't bad for me, but something else to juggle and consider as you raise your child.

We've had one birth mother interested in us so far that we know of. We were told she was still considering us for a while. We never met her and she finally choose another family. It was exciting to know that we were being looked at. But when it didn't happen, it was disappointing, but maybe not as much as it could have been since we had not yet met her or felt like it was going to happen

When we first went in and talked with our case worker, we had such a good experience with how we felt about it. I think it will be an option we keep open even the fertility stops getting in the way; so for me, not so much if, but most likely when. However, much can happen, so we will have to see.

Going to the doctors has been its own adventure. You get to open up what is usually the most private process of your lives to other people. That can be hard and awkward, and much more so for Lora than me. We have been classified into the "unexplained infertility" category. From all of the tests, there is no good reason why we can't get pregnant. There is one thing going on that may be impeding things, but not necessarily. That in itself is frustrating because you really don't have any good answers. In some ways it would be easier to know why, even if it meant that the option was closed.

Even though we have been going to the doctors for months both times we pursued this, but the other frustrating thing is how far we have gone. Not very. The first time, the furthest we got was Lora taking a round of Clomid. That is as far as we got after months of monitoring and even a laparoscopy. Now that we are going to a specialist at a fertility clinic, we are at least moving. We have taken the battery of tests and got those out of the way. We are now in the the step of several rounds of IUI (artificial insemination), and if that doesn't get us there, we have a plan in place to try In vitro fertilization. It feels so much better to be doing things now and have a much more concrete plan in place.

But, depending on how things go, we are vulnerable again to things not happening. I kind of got used to another month and nothing. Now we will have a reason to hope for something during some of the months ahead and if it turns out that not that month; well, it will be difficult to be disappointed again. Still, I'd rather be doing something. You won't get anywhere doing nothing.

I know we will eventually have children of our own. I know it because I've got this feeling inside like I did that I would find someone wonderful to marry. Not having children just isn't an option. It gives me a lot of peace, which helps so much through the setbacks and dashed moments of hope and not understanding why it isn't happening until later. So, here we are. We just plug along, truly enjoying what we have now and for the most part being really happy, but desiring something so much more.

From whichever method the child arrives, I do feel one thing very strongly. Children are brought to a family by divine guidance. When we finally get there, the children will be meant for us. And we are going to be AWESOME parents too!

7 Faces of David

Ok, can't help but ask, are there any of you out there who remember "The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao"?  It was an obscure movie from my childhood that I never did get used to.  It seemed almost disturbing in a way.  Here is the trailer if you want to check it out.  Anyway, it has absolutely nothing to do with this post except that I happen to have 7 shots of my husband!

He's a good sport, did I ever tell you that?  Well, he is.  I even asked permission this time to put it on the blog.  Since it is technically our blog, I figured that I would help him contribute as much as possible.

He's a cutie.  I think I'll keep him.  We just have so much fun together.  We're both a little bit silly... okay a lot silly at times, but it's just who we are.  Fortunately none of his 7 faces are all at that scary.  I think he's just too good natured for that.

Love ya babe! 

Funny

So I was going through the camera to make sure that my memory card was empty for class and this was one of the pictures.

I know it's blurry, but it just made me laugh out loud.  So many reasons why my husband is awesome.  He'll probably be a little bit irritated that I put this out here for the world to see, so be sure and tell him he's awesome.

You know, it's his birthday soon.  October 28th to be exact.

A sense of humor helps in times like this.

It's a Major Award!

My husband called me at work today.

David:  Guess what I just won?

Lora: Umm. I don't know.

David:  A set of 400 Legos!

Lora:  Cool!

David:  Yeah, we had a competition and my group won!

Lora:  That's great.  Now when we have kids over they will have something to play with!

David: (slight pause) Um, but I want to play with them too.

Lora:  You can still play with them but kids can play with them too.

What a relief it wasn't a leg lamp!

We really are back

I had someone email and wonder if I was home yet... Yea. we're home.  And crazy busy which is why you haven't heard from me in awhile.  So without further ado, the last leg of the trip in one blinding barrage of photos.

enjoy.

on the hike

Have I every mentioned that I love this guy!

If an M&M falls in the forest and there's no one around to see, should you still eat it?

It was a very steep drop sometimes.

The destination: Lost Lake

Sometimes you get desperate for food on the trail.  Or you have to do something stupid because your husband won't stop taking pictures of you while you are emptying your shoes of debris.

Church Rock:  this was on the way home. Why bore you with more details.

Last shot on the way home before freeway land and Utah traffic.

The end.

New Mexico, the trip to: Day 1 8/31/2010

We started out Tuesday morning bright and early.  Rather than hit the freeway David mapped out a more scenic route and it couldn't have been better. 

I won't bore you with all the details, but here are some pictures that pretty much sum up the drive.

We started by going through Logan canyon to Bear Lake.  A beautiful way to start a trip!

Even Wyoming has it's pretty spots. Actually it has quite a few, we just weren't anticipating any on this trip.

Forgive the hair and overall "ickiness" to my look. We got up at 5 and left at 6...ish. Gotta have a road photo though.

Driving by Flaming Gorge we came across this bridge and I loved the way the yellow of the flowers stands out against the rust color of the bridge.

We got a new camera and I LOVE what I can do with it!

Seriously love this guy! He is just so dang much fun!

Finally hit I70 for a full 105 miles of the trip.  We did highways the rest of the way. Little traffic, more relaxed. Loved it.  This is the tunnel going through parts of the mountain.

This just reminded me of the Incredibles.  I kept on expecting to see Elastigirl swing up and over.

This was along the highway in Southern Colorado, oh so close to the New Mexico border.  The sun was hitting everything just right and it looked like a golden highway.  Beautiful.

Close of day 1.  I would have taken more pictures to take you into NM with us, but.. it was dark.  The end.

What I Love, thoughts from vacation.

There’s so much that I love right now. The way the light falls on the trees. The way the cool breeze feels against my bare skin. The sound of the creek making it’s gurgling music. I love vacations. Not just vacations, but the right vacations.


David and I are in Red River, New Mexico. It’s a ski town so naturally we’ll never be here to ski, but we will be partaking of the late summer activities that abound just when school begins and the snow hasn’t starting flying.

For awhile I was thinking that September was the worst time to get married, with school starting up and both of us being tied to it. It was the better of the two evils so to speak. We didn’t want to wait till Christmas break (I was in school at the time and besides, a birthday and a major holiday in the same month is enough) so we opted for labor day weekend. With 8 weeks to plan and execute, I think we did fairly well. And we didn’t think it would matter in the long run. I would graduate and then school would no longer be an issue or an hinderment to vacation plans. So naturally David decides to go back to school and I take a job at the University.

Every anniversary now is surrounded by the start of school at USU making it that much more difficult to feel good about taking off for an entire week. Yes, I know, a week off is fairly excessive for an anniversary, but it’s really the only vacation that we plan and take. Totally our choice. We did it for our first anniversary and it’s become tradition ever since. Besides, it’s a good excuse. The “are you out of your mind” look goes away when you explain that “yes, I am asking for the first week of school off because it’s our anniversary.” “Oh, well then yeah, that should be fine.”

However, being the fifth such trip since the blessed occasion of our wedding, I’ve come to look forward to our September time. Not just because I get to leave the catering world all to itself for the first week of school, but more and more because this time really does suit us. We are here in beautiful mountainous place with no tourists to compete with. Actually, that’s not true. There are a few senior couples here as well. But for the most part, we get to enjoy the cooler weather without the crowds. It’s ideal for checking out new places and being able to relax at the same time. And extra special bonus perk, no obnoxiously skinny perfect bodied women to compare myself with in the swimming pool! (that could almost be double bonus points don’t you think…)

So all in all, this really is a great time for us. Neither one of us are big crowd seekers. We’re the quiet, take our time type. I don’t like to be rushed through a vacation. That’s usually when I need to take the extra time to recuperate when we get home.

Did I mention that I love the way the light is hitting the trees right now? The ones in the front look all drenched in gold while the ones in back sit in the shadow content to let the smaller ones shine for now.

Yep, love vacations.