Change the Third

Today on my way home from the gymn, I saw a group of teenage boys crossing the street by Willow Park.  I took one look and thought "Egads! They still exist!"  Yep, the Skater crowd.

I don't know if that's what they are still called, but they have all the tell-tale signs that made them the Skater crowd when I was in High School.  In fact, I could probably pull out my yearbook and show them their look-a-likes and either really freak them out or confirm their coolness.  The all black clothes scattered with jeans with holes, the skateboards (of course) and let's not forget the attitude.  It was evident in the way they saw me coming in my car, looked me in the eye, and the continued to slowly make their way across the road.  I slowed down so as to give them plenty of time and still had to wonder if they were going to make me stop completely or go around their little group.  It was as if I didn't exist in their world, and in reality I don't. 

And then I got to thinking.  Sometimes that's a very dangerous thing, it can get you worried about your future and the future of your kids.  And then it hit me.  It hit me hard.  I live in Logan Utah!  I have no idea what high school is like here!  I grew up in small town USA where everyone knew everyone so as a teenager I couldn't get into too much trouble without my parents knowledge because everyone knew who my parents were and apparently their phone number as well.

In the world inside my head, my children would go to school and do some of the same things that I did.  Music, drama, failed attempts at drill team and sports in general.  And I would know how to handle it because I had "been there done that".  I would encourage them in whatever course they chose but it's only natural to have my own favorites.  And in that silly stupid head of mine I honestly pictured my children on stage in the Grace Performing Arts auditorium.  Safe.  Secure. 

But today I saw this faction of people that I have not seen in years, literally!  Why?  Because I have been in the working world of a full-time day job at a college with it's very own brand of stupidity.  I run errands in the evening and on weekends.  I forgot that there's a whole culture that exists outside of my little world.  A culture of kids who want to corrupt my children!

Now, for the record, I really have no idea who these kids were that I saw crossing the street.  I just knew who the kids were in my high school.  And I knew exactly what they were up to because I myself spent a brief time in their midst.  I refer to it as my "dark year".  It would have worked too but I didn't have any black sandals and my white ones just didn't look quite right with the black pants and black sleeveless T and black scrunchy.  (It's all about the details you know, I was even in brief possession of a skull ring.)  I know there's more than meets the eye both good and bad.  I also know that if I hadn't been taught the right things by parents, well let's just say my story would have turned out quite a bit different.

So, what is this Change the Third that I am making?  Well, I'm changing my mindset.  Stop living in the past as if my own stupidity is going to come back to haunt me in the form of my children dragging Main street in Soda Springs at 3 am.  Start looking around at the place that I live.  I live.  Here. Logan.  The town that I really do love with neighbors that I really do love.  This is progression.  I live here and my parents don't.  I am experiencing things that my parents never did.  Perhaps it took me so long to get this seemingly obvious epiphany because some of my high school teachers taught my parents and some of my high school literature books had their names in them as well.  But I don't live there do I.  I have a new life with new experiences that really are completely different from my parents.  And I am just fine with that.

On a side note though.  I still want you all to be able to recognize my children at a glance so you can report when they are doing something so incredibly stupid, or wrecking the car, or thing they are going out with some lame-o that just happens to be in the art class you teach... a well placed friendly phone call would be appreciated.  So for your benefit and mine, I have taken the liberty of digitally age-progressing my un-born and as yet un-conceived children so you know who you are looking for.

You're welcome.

An Update of Sorts

There are a few significant factors that have come into play today that I feel are worthy of mention.

1.  Today is the official 1 month mark for having shaken off the shackles of the regular desk job and joined the realms of part-time at home workers.  I do spend enough time in the office on Wednesdays though to still keep in touch with things while enjoying the freedom of doing laundry on a whim.

2.  We are officially in the first stages of IVF.  That being said we are on birth control.  What a crazy life huh! Fertility that starts out on birth control.  As a humorous side note, the nurse asked me if I had a preference on which birth control to use.  I said "what is this birth control you speak of." She laughed and said "yeah, we get that a lot."  Injections of drugs scheduled to start April 29th and full cycle completed before Memorial Day.  Phew!

3.  While enjoying the luxuries such as free lunch at the office yesterday, a co-worker came in and said "now that you are at home... insert ominous pause... I have a kitten that has your name on it!"  So for all of you cat owners out there, give me the scoop. I haven't officially said yes to this, but am considering it.  Talk to me about litter boxes and cat hair.  Pros and cons.  How do you deal?  As a child I used to sneak kittens into my room all the time, as the person who has to clean the house... 'nother story.  As a person in the house alone most of the day (who doesn't really have a problem with that but...) Talk to me.

That's it for now, though on a side note I did the aerobics class again today and I'm now having trouble going up or down the stairs!  Should be a fun weekend recovering from this one!

Have a fabulous Thursday!

Change: the Second

I went to the gym today after a really long hiatus.  I made it 20 minutes in the elliptical and was only slightly better off than my last venture 1 week ago in which I wanted to cry just a little because my muscles had forgotten so much in the last three months.  I persevered though.  It wasn't the only thing I did but it was certainly the most taxing.

As I was there, I ran into someone I hadn't seen for quite some time.  We exchanged short greetings, after all it was really early, I think it was before manners are fully awake, and then went about our business.  As I left I saw that she was waiting for a tanning booth and I immediately began to judge.  The dialogue in my head went something like this:

Huh. Tanning.  Seriously? She's got kids, she needs to set an example. I can't believe how dedicated she's become to her body lately. I wonder if her marriage is in trouble? I bet she's not happy.

Immediately after those thoughts I felt really ugly.  Not physically, but ugly on the inside.  Ugly for judging.  I hadn't been in contact with this person for almost 2 years.  How on earth would I know what her life is like anymore?  How would I know what her marriage is like.  And more importantly, what gives me the right to even go there?!? And triply more important was the ugly little fact that all of that was just to cover up my feelings of jealousy because her dedication actually paid off!  I'm pretty sure the envy monster reared it's ugly head and I said to it "you go! tear her down! how dare she succeed where I have failed!"

My goal for this year is moderation.  Moderation in all things from how I spend my time to what I put in my mouth and in my head.  Part of that is what I do with my body.  How I treat it.  What I decide to put into my body and how I decide to use it.  What is it that I can do to be healthy.  Not skinny, but healthy.  To stop hating my body for whatever perceived excess I see and embrace what it can do.  I mean, we're in it for the long haul, it's time I stop criticizing and embrace it for what it is.  A gift from God.

On the other hand, my goal to be happy with who and what I am has had an unanticipated side effect.  I call it the "Wow! I think I've stumbled on to something, why is everyone else wasting their time on this diet thing and how shallow is that! Puft!" effect, and then in my mind I walk off self-righteously because I have clearly progressed so far above them.  Slaves to their bodies that they are.  Puft!

And then I find myself sitting at the computer with my 4th handful of Pretzel M&Ms well on it's way to being consumed and I realize that boy howdy am I a mess!

So here I am, confessing my sins to the world and wondering how I am ever going to conquer the beast of myself.  The beast of the sweet tooth.  The beast that condemns others for not partaking with me. 

While serving a mission for my church I had a moment of pure peace.  The Lord had brought me to a point in my life where I had finally figured out that I had worth.  That it didn't matter what anyone else thought, I knew that I was square with the Lord and nothing else mattered.  I knew that God loved me, faults and all.  During that time of inner-peace with myself, I accepted those around me without condemnation.  I actually experienced unconditional love for them.  Those I knew, those I didn't.  It was wonderful.  It was a time of building instead of tearing down.  My body and soul were working together instead of fighting each other.  Knowing that the Lord loved me with all of my faults let me know that He loved, and still does love, everyone that way.  There was nothing left to condemn because we all needed His help.  So why not help each other along the way and build things up instead of tearing them down.

I want that back.  I know I can get it back, but it's going to take practice.  I need to change myself.  In the mission field I accepted my soul.  I finally could forgive myself for my high school stupidity.  I had carried it around for so long, never feeling as good as those around me.  But the Lord helped me let it go.  Now I need to do the same for my body.  Accept it, faults and all.  Love it, love-handles and all.  And accept those around me regardless of shape or size.  Children of God.

So my change the second is not quite as concrete as my change the first.  However, it is just as important, well actually it's more important.  I will change the way I think about my body and consequently the way I think about others'.  I will strive to remember the lessons I've learned.  I will banish body judgements.  I will invite the Lord back into my life.  Isn't that what it all boils down to?   Remembering him in all things? I keep forgetting that we don't exactly pick and choose "all".  All is all.

Change: The First

Well, I did say that 2011 would be one of change.  One of moderation.  So here's the first.

I quit my job.  Okay, not really, just the full time part. Yikes right!

David and I did some serious thinking over the weekend and discussed such things as quality of life, ability to support one another, what we want instead of what we have defaulted to, those kind of things.  So after much thought, prayer, and the use of the magic 8 ball, we decided that it would be a good idea for me to go to part time status and see about working from home.  (just kidding about the magic 8 ball though it would come in handy sometimes.)

The extra good news is that it's kind of a phase-in/out process.  I will continue on full-time through February and then start part time hours in March.  I can use my vacation time to go towards making up the hours so in all reality we'll be getting a full-time paycheck for a few months after I go to part-time. Can you think of anything better!?! Working part time, paid in full.  Yep, I'm excited.

The extra extra good news is that my boss/bosses/co-workers are in full support of my decision and are just awesome!  And because they are so awesome the things that I love most about my job are the things I get to keep. And they are things that can easily be done from home.  Cool huh!

Yep, it's starting out to be a pretty good year.