Change: the Second

I went to the gym today after a really long hiatus.  I made it 20 minutes in the elliptical and was only slightly better off than my last venture 1 week ago in which I wanted to cry just a little because my muscles had forgotten so much in the last three months.  I persevered though.  It wasn't the only thing I did but it was certainly the most taxing.

As I was there, I ran into someone I hadn't seen for quite some time.  We exchanged short greetings, after all it was really early, I think it was before manners are fully awake, and then went about our business.  As I left I saw that she was waiting for a tanning booth and I immediately began to judge.  The dialogue in my head went something like this:

Huh. Tanning.  Seriously? She's got kids, she needs to set an example. I can't believe how dedicated she's become to her body lately. I wonder if her marriage is in trouble? I bet she's not happy.

Immediately after those thoughts I felt really ugly.  Not physically, but ugly on the inside.  Ugly for judging.  I hadn't been in contact with this person for almost 2 years.  How on earth would I know what her life is like anymore?  How would I know what her marriage is like.  And more importantly, what gives me the right to even go there?!? And triply more important was the ugly little fact that all of that was just to cover up my feelings of jealousy because her dedication actually paid off!  I'm pretty sure the envy monster reared it's ugly head and I said to it "you go! tear her down! how dare she succeed where I have failed!"

My goal for this year is moderation.  Moderation in all things from how I spend my time to what I put in my mouth and in my head.  Part of that is what I do with my body.  How I treat it.  What I decide to put into my body and how I decide to use it.  What is it that I can do to be healthy.  Not skinny, but healthy.  To stop hating my body for whatever perceived excess I see and embrace what it can do.  I mean, we're in it for the long haul, it's time I stop criticizing and embrace it for what it is.  A gift from God.

On the other hand, my goal to be happy with who and what I am has had an unanticipated side effect.  I call it the "Wow! I think I've stumbled on to something, why is everyone else wasting their time on this diet thing and how shallow is that! Puft!" effect, and then in my mind I walk off self-righteously because I have clearly progressed so far above them.  Slaves to their bodies that they are.  Puft!

And then I find myself sitting at the computer with my 4th handful of Pretzel M&Ms well on it's way to being consumed and I realize that boy howdy am I a mess!

So here I am, confessing my sins to the world and wondering how I am ever going to conquer the beast of myself.  The beast of the sweet tooth.  The beast that condemns others for not partaking with me. 

While serving a mission for my church I had a moment of pure peace.  The Lord had brought me to a point in my life where I had finally figured out that I had worth.  That it didn't matter what anyone else thought, I knew that I was square with the Lord and nothing else mattered.  I knew that God loved me, faults and all.  During that time of inner-peace with myself, I accepted those around me without condemnation.  I actually experienced unconditional love for them.  Those I knew, those I didn't.  It was wonderful.  It was a time of building instead of tearing down.  My body and soul were working together instead of fighting each other.  Knowing that the Lord loved me with all of my faults let me know that He loved, and still does love, everyone that way.  There was nothing left to condemn because we all needed His help.  So why not help each other along the way and build things up instead of tearing them down.

I want that back.  I know I can get it back, but it's going to take practice.  I need to change myself.  In the mission field I accepted my soul.  I finally could forgive myself for my high school stupidity.  I had carried it around for so long, never feeling as good as those around me.  But the Lord helped me let it go.  Now I need to do the same for my body.  Accept it, faults and all.  Love it, love-handles and all.  And accept those around me regardless of shape or size.  Children of God.

So my change the second is not quite as concrete as my change the first.  However, it is just as important, well actually it's more important.  I will change the way I think about my body and consequently the way I think about others'.  I will strive to remember the lessons I've learned.  I will banish body judgements.  I will invite the Lord back into my life.  Isn't that what it all boils down to?   Remembering him in all things? I keep forgetting that we don't exactly pick and choose "all".  All is all.