Broken

This week has been hard.  I don't know if it is just one of those weeks or if my heart and mind are in just the right place to really make things difficult.

I've been writing things down throughout the week that I have discovered about myself.  I have thought about sharing them several times now and have chickened out repeatedly.  Thinking that if I gave it a little more time then maybe it wouldn't leave me so vulnerable when I finally did share it because time would numb it somehow?  I'm not so sure my strategy worked.

In fact, that's one of the things that I learned for certain this week.  I run from things in whatever way I can.  On Tuesday I found myself with 2 whole gloriously free hours.  One child at school, the other in bed, and my husband in meetings outside of the house.  Freedom my friends.  The perfect time to take a look at being authentic and figure some things out.  I headed to my desk, looked at the computer and books that were there waiting to guide me on my journey and picked up a pair of scissors and the tv remote.  I promptly settled in to episodes of One Tree Hill while cutting and sewing quilting squares for that two hours of gloriously free time.  Knowing full well that I was running away from myself.  And the cool things was I totally justified it!  Totally!  These quilt squares were going to be used to make quilts to donate to CAPSA.  A worthy cause.  It it wasn't for CAPSA it would have been for a gift for someone else, or for my son's bed or for anyone but myself because doing things for myself is selfish and unworthy, but doing them for someone else?  Totally noble and worth any sacrifice.

So realization #1:  I don't think that I'm worth spending time on.

I'm not for sure how far this extends.  Just myself? Others? Either way it runs pretty deep.  Which is why I fill my life with so many things for others, or so many chores that need to be done (the to-do list that won't quit!), or responsibilities that I have taken on myself, that it's impossible for my true self to get a word in edgewise.

And let's take a look at that one... true self.  Or rather the fear of letting my true self be known, be seen, be out there.

Somehow I have the impression deeply rooted in my psyche that my true self must be pretty ugly and unlovable because I'm so afraid that if I let all of myself out there I will be weighed and measured and found wanting.  How did that happen?  I don't think that I'm alone in this one.  What has caused me to focus so much on my flaws that I actually believe that I am more bad than good?  Or rather that the few "bad" points/character flaws/personality conflicts/whatever will outweigh any good that ever was in me and people will reject me outright.  "If they knew the real me they would not be my friends anymore."  And the crazy stupid thing is that when you spend enough time around people your flaws leek out automatically anyway and your friends see you for who you are and they still like you.  Even better than before.  Which means my true nature is actually out there but I'm the only one who doesn't know it and the only one who hasn't accepted me for me.

Realization #2: I'm the only one who hasn't accepted me for me.  I'm the one that weighed, measured, and found myself wanting.  I'm the one who can't see my beauty.

There's more.  But this is all I can share right now.  I'm trying not to push myself too much.  I don't want to get burnt out or rush through lessons that need more time to soak in.  And besides that, I'm not quite sure what to do with the realizations yet.  Changing the way one thinks and feels about oneself... well that's no simple task.

Till next time.