David and I had issues. I use the past tense because that's what it is, in the past. We had issues. You see, we weren't getting along all that well. We were getting on each other's nerves. I felt like my needs weren't being met. I needed him to change. I needed him to be someone I could rely on, someone that could help me be happy.
He needed me to change. His needs weren't being met. I was not helping him to be happy.
We're not really sure when it started. We think it reared it's ugly head when I was having all those issues with pregnancy. Then comes the delivery of our sweet little boy and a whole new set of changes needed to be dealt with but this time with no sleep.
I needed David to come home and be a rockstar. Someone who would walk in the door and be the strong person that I could lean on after a trying day. The person who would make everything okay.
He needed to come home and be back in the arms of his rockstar. I was to be strong and make everything okay after his trying day.
Do you see where this is going?
Everything came to a head a few weeks ago. I pulled the airing of grievances card and made us have a good old pick each other apart session so he could change and be what I thought I wanted. What I thought I needed. I thought that's how things would be fixed. By being brutally honest with each other. Laying it all out on the table and picking it all apart and seeing what needed to happen.
My plan backfired. (Shocker huh!) It created... issues. Issues that weren't there before. Things were said that hurt but rang true. Well, trueish. And some just seemed absolutely impossible to fix. Like changing the stripes on a zebra.
I need it to be understood that we weren't miserable, we weren't a mess, we weren't hating life, we just weren't as happy as we had been in the past. We still enjoyed each other's company, something was just... off.
We parted ways for a bit so we could think and take stock of what had just happened.
When did everything change? What happened to us? We used to be madly in love with each other. We used to be completely happy with each other. We used to have fun and talk about everything in the world. The thing that drew us together was that we could be ourselves. No pretenses. No fundamental need to change. We loved each other, were wildly attracted to each other. We used to be enough for each other just as we were. And being enough for each other made us better.
These were the questions that I pondered. How on earth could I change so much so that we could be happy again. How do I change my being? How did this relationship become so... complicated? And then it hit me. Something I learned back in the days of single hood. Independence is attractive! Being an independently happy person, genuinely happy without relying on someone else for it... is attractive. It makes people beautiful. It makes others want to be around them. It gives others permission to be themselves.
I used to be that independently happy person. That is what had changed. I was relying on David for my happiness and creating an impossible and extremely taxing job to his already full load. No wonder it wasn't working! I was asking the impossible. I had set him up for complete failure.
I am in charge of my own happiness. David is in charge of his own happiness. We are in charge of Ben's happiness until he's old enough to take some of that on himself.
It was simple.
Overnight there was a spring back in my step. There was a smile back on both of our faces. We enjoy each other's company. We talk about everything in the world. We smile, we laugh, and we genuinely like to be around each other once again. We are enough for each other. Nothing needs to change that we didn't already know about before this whole thing began. Our quirks are okay again. And I am wildly in love with my husband again and he didn't have to change to make that happen. It just feels so good.
I have more to say, about genuine beauty, about body acceptance... embracing your flaws. Owning yourself and being beautiful. But this is enough for now.
