Words Cannot Express...

...  how long I've been trying to post.

How many times I've been thwarted by technology and it's quirks.

How many episodes of Gilmore Girls have gotten in my way...

But here I am now.  Today.  Well, at the end of the day but it still counts.  Ya know, because we're all keeping track of these things.

And now for an update...

Last post in the saga that is my life, I was a scout widow.  I had a list.  A long list of things to get done.  My hopes were high, my reality not quite as.  However, I did get some of the things done.  Let's review.

* Clean the house from top to bottom.  Really clean.  Vacuum under everything, clean the curtains, dust the world.  (This one got done!  Well, more than it had been done before even though it only lasted a day.  It was a good clean day.)

* Make a wall hanging for the bedroom.  (Totally did it!  Wood cut, nailed and glued together, painted and everything!  And when I get my room cleaned again I will take a picture of it hanging in all of it's glory over my bed.  I kind of might be in love with it.)

* Finish the pictures I started to frame and get them hung.  (Done and done!  I had 4 prints that were waiting for their home and it finally happened.  We won't discuss how much dust had collected on them while waiting for said home to appear.)

* Paint the downstairs living room. (Yep, done!  Thanks again to Sharon and her excess of paint, I had the color I wanted and my sister came and did Ben interference while I painted the living room walls.  As an extra added bonus I rearranged the furniture to just get David good and confused when he came home.  And as far as a picture goes, see above wall hanging for excuse.)

* Make a wall hanging for the kitchen.  (I got this a third of the way done.  I painted the platter that will have some witty kitchen saying that has nothing to do with love and more to do with death... you are so curious now aren't you!  Just wait till my ambition hits again and you'll know how awesome it really is.)

* Paint the laundry room so that it no longer feels like the orphan room of the house.  (Not even a little bit close.  In fact it looks worse than when I put the list together.  Might have something to do with my inability to really clean up after a project.  So much easier just to throw it in the room that has a door to hide it.)

* Organize Ben's room and get rid of what we're not using for him.  I have a bajillion pairs of pajamas that are all too hot for his size stuffed in drawers and shelves to get them out of the way.  (Room... not so much.  2 drawers totally done though!  Baby steps right?)

* Go through my clothes and get rid of things that I don't wear anymore.  (I pretty much spent time in my room when I slept... that's about it. So no, that did not get done.)

*Organize the kitchen drawers and shelves.  I seriously wish I had time to take every little thing out of every little space in my whole house and place it with purpose.  (Next scout camp maybe?  Not so much on the done or even started part. More like the laundry room.  It just got messier.)

Well that about sums that up!  David was surprised when he came home.  So was I!

Since then I've really hit things hard.  Things like Star Trek (I'm on a Star Trek kick that I'm not sure I completely understand.  Perhaps I have been neglected my inner nerd/trekkie?  I'm watching the old series and the old movies and enjoying them thoroughly despite the obvious sexist nature of the uniforms for women. Can we still be friends?)

I've also made pie, fudge, and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and brownies.  I even gave some away!

Yesterday I mowed the lawn and rewarded myself for my hard work with several back to back episodes of Gilmore Girls.  I'm concerned I may have a problem but not enough to really do anything but hit play for the next episode.  Today I made breakfast and lunch and rewarded myself accordingly.  It's a good thing I have a patient husband who loves me in my times of productivity as well as gluttony.  

With that said, happy Wednesday my friends.  May your Thursday be wonderful, however you define it!

Today I'm a Widow...

Today David left at 5:15 am to load up the scouts and head to Scout camp.  Today at 5:15 am I became a widow.  A Scout Widow.  A single mom with a 1-year old boy with way too much energy sometimes.

I have been looking to this time with my fear, trepidation, and just a bit of excitement.  While I really like my husband and enjoy having him around, it will be kind of nice to just cook for me and Ben.  I eat simply.  I don't require a set table and neither does Ben.  If I don't do the dishes right away there is no one to notice but me.  If the house is a mess, no one cares but me.  My mess will not get in anyone else's way.

That's kind of a good feeling.

What I am worried about is Ben.  I have my doubts whether I will be enough for him this week.  He usually has us both at meal times and some good one on one time with each of us while the other is getting things done.  It works well for us.   It works well for him.  But just me?

I have also been thinking of all the things that I want to do while David is gone. Things like:

* Clean the house from top to bottom.  Really clean.  Vacuum under everything, clean the curtains, dust the world.

* Make a wall hanging for the bedroom.

* Finish the pictures I started to frame and get them hung.

* Paint the downstairs living room.

* Make a wall hanging for the kitchen.

* Paint the laundry room so that it no longer feels like the orphan room of the house.

* Organize Ben's room and get rid of what we're not using for him.  I have a bajillion pairs of pajamas that are all too hot for his size stuffed in drawers and shelves to get them out of the way.

* Go through my clothes and get rid of things that I don't wear anymore.

*Organize the kitchen drawers and shelves.  I seriously wish I had time to take every little thing out of every little space in my whole house and place it with purpose.

I know that I should schedule in some downtime but right now that feels like the last thing I want to do.  I just want to take advantage of this time and accomplish great things while there is no other adult around to... well get in my way. 

At least that's the wish... reality usually tells me differently.  Reality says I'm trying to do more than is possible.  Or am I?



Taken on USU campus at the top of the amphitheater.  I love the gnarled roots with new life.
 

Friday Thought

Sometime I wish I could photograph feelings.

A touch, a smile, laughter, smoky fire.  

Completeness.  Wholeness.  Love.

I can see things.  I can watch them happen.  But how do I capture the feelings that rise up in the heart?  How do I take a perfect and complete moment and transfer it to something visual.  Something to help remember a perfect moment in time.

Too Much Information

That isn't a warning.  Or maybe it is.

Lots has been happening around the Sullivan household.  One of the many is that we made the mistake of watching these two documentaries on food.  "Hungry for Change" and "Forks Over Knives".  I say mistake because now I know too much.  Now if I choose to ignore the information I have been given... well, I'm kind of stupid.

Since watching these two documentaries, which can be found on Netflix streaming, David and I have tried to incorporate more healthy choices into our meals.  We've been trying to make our food count for something besides filling up our stomachs.  I have signed up for Bountiful Baskets.  My grocery list has more fruits and vegetables on it than ever before.  My fridge and counter tops are filled with fresh foods and I am trying to figure out how to use such things as fresh brussel sprouts and kale.

We now have a juicer which is great for helping us get our fruits and veggies in.  Especially the ones that we don't really like or know what to do with (kale, beets, etc.).  Or for me, those that I will only eat with Ranch dressing.  Carrots, apples, and tangerines make a great breakfast juice by the way.  You can even add celery (which I will not eat fresh because I don't like it) and lime juice for a little zip.  In fact you can add just about anything and get all those good nutrients that you normally wouldn't because you just don't. 

We also have a counter top pressure cooker which is quickly becoming a favorite item.  This one I entirely blame on Tawnya and Isaac because they got one and preached of its loveliness.  And it is lovely.  Rice and beans and other things cook so fast and... perfectly.  Sigh.

There are more reasons behind this change than just watching documentaries.  Our health for example.  We have private health insurance with a high deductible which means that a whole lot of money will be coming out of our pocket before that deductible is met.  Oddly enough we don't have a whole lot of money sitting around waiting to come out of our pockets.  So the healthier we get, the better off we are. 

Other benefits are there too.  Eating more fruits and veggies has actually given me more energy than before.  I have been able to do really dang stinkin' hard workouts and do them well!  I haven't gotten quite as sore and I feel like I have more energy.  I LOVE it.  I Love being able to do more with my body.  To feel capable.  I'm not talking marathons or anything, but one of my main goals has always been to be able to move the mass I've got.  I may not be able to lose the weight that I want, but I wanted to make sure that I was active enough to move it around and do what I want. 

I feel good.  I mean good.  It used to be that to have a day, a full day where I actually felt all the way "good"... no bloated feeling or cramping or blahness that I have completely gotten used to as "my normal", was unheard of.  I never ever felt "good".  "Fine" sure.  "Okay" you bet.  But "good" really and truly "good"?  Now in fairness it's not all the time, but I have had more good days than not so good days.  So I call that a win.

It also does not mean that I will never have another dessert again because that's simply not possible.  It just means that perhaps, just perhaps I won't be so addicted to them.  And if I'm not so addicted to desserts, then perhaps I actually will lose weight.  Hmmm.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
(You're welcome)

So that's what's been happening here in our neck of the woods. Between the deforesting of our forest and the state of our bellies, I think we're having a pretty successful Summer.

Out of Retirement

I know, you didn't know I was in retirement right!?!  Well it was one of those things that sort of befell the blog.  It was neglected.  It was forgotten.  I apparently retired it and didn't tell anyone.  I was content to let it go.

But like actors, ball players, and musicians everywhere, I've decided to make a comeback.  I should start with something big, maybe with fireworks.  So here you go.

Okay, now that that's taken care of.  On to the blogging.  I've had a busy Summer.  A good chunk of it has been spent on the yard.  I've made three flower beds where there were none before.  I have planted the garden, mowed the lawn faithfully, and tackled the plethora of tree stumps in our yard.

When we moved in three years ago, this is what one section of our yard looked like.  I wish that I had a better shot of this.  Something that could show the whole thing top to bottom. It was just...well amazing.  Impenetrable.  A section of forest.  Someone could have set up camp back there and we'd have never known.

It happens to be the section that I have been removing stumps from.  I have taken out no less than 23 stumps from our backyard.  Some big, some small.  Some will have to be professionally removed because they are just too big.  So of the ones that I can do myself I have 5 to go.  This has taken me all summer thus far and I honestly can't wait to get the last 5 out and gone.  Some tricks that I have learned about stump removal:

1) If at all possible, don't cut down the trees, get a truck and a chain and pull them out because then the stump comes with it and no need for removal or buckets of sweat for years to come.  Had I known this three years ago when we moved in... Oy.

2)  Since I didn't know about the glory of tree removal by truck, we had lots and lots and lots of stumps. So the next step, or first, is to prune the snot out of it so you can see where the stump actually is without the camouflaging effect of wannabe branches.

3)  Next dig all around it, nice and deep.  Depending on size you can start prying them out with your shovel and some of them will actually come up!  I think 2 of mine did... early on so that I thought it was easy and would keep going.

4) After you've dug and hopefully located the major roots get your handy dandy pruning sheers and clip em!  At first I just tried to chop through them with my shovel.  That is stupid.  And hard.  My pruners are much sharper than my shovel and it goes much much quicker.  I'm pretty sure I had 7 stumps under my belt before I learned that little trick.

5)  Now that you've cut the major arteries, pull the sucker out!  If it still won't come then position yourself ground level, feet towards the offending stump, place your foot (either one, I prefer my right foot) on the stump and start kicking the tar right out of it!  This does 2 things.  First it helps you get some anger out at having to still deal with the stump and your own stupidity at not getting a truck and a chain in the first place; you can even grunt if you want to.  Second, it shakes more dirt loose and you can often find the one major artery that slipped by the clippers making it impossible to pull out.

6) Now you can truly remove the stump! After clipping the artery, stand yourself up, brush yourself off and pick up that stump.  Hold it high for the world to see and declare your victory!  "Down you offending and badly placed tree!  May your remaining roots rot!"

Too dramatic?  Well it's kind of what I felt like doing.  But mostly I just threw the stump to the side and laid on the grass while I caught my breath.

This is what that section of yard looks like now.

So how there's a fence?  At the tops of the pine trees that you saw in the first picture, well there are three of them.  Well actually there were 4 but we took one out last year when we FOUND it!  That's right, entire trees were living in our yard that we didn't know where there.

Here's another shot.

It's not really all that great still, but before the summer is out we hope to have most of that area under the trees converted back to grass with a bench seat underneath the pines and maybe some Virginia Creeper along the fence line for a bit more privacy (since we cut the privacy right out).  Which means 5 more stumps and a whole lot of digging and tilling the ground to get things evened out.  Oddly taking out 23 stumps leaves a few holes.

What have you been up to?  Any cool gardening tips?  I need all the help I can get!

Is it really Tuesday?

Today feels like Wednesday.  Like I should be doing Wednesday things instead of whatever it is I do on Tuesday.  Usually that entails getting all dolled up in my husband's old work clothes, forsaking makeup, and hitting the yard hard.  But today?  Today, not so much.

Today started on a bad last night.  My son has been having trouble sleeping since Saturday night.  He's got a dang cold (grr!) and because of my stellar parenting, he had heat rash.  We were at a BBQ with friends and spent a good chunk of time in the great outdoors.  Neither one was completely evident till Sunday.  In fairness I have never had heat rash myself so I wasn't so much on the lookout for it.  And we did put a hat and sunscreen on the little tike.  But that's neither here nor there.  What is here and there was the fact that due to both (and teething, I almost forgot that never ending saga!) so due to all three, my son has not slept through the night since Saturday.  And not just a little wake-up cry and go back to sleep, but a "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth hold me till I calm down and I'll see you again in a few hours" kind of wake-up call. 

Fortunately, he is taking naps and little by little his cold and the heat rash are subsiding.  In fact, last night he was not up again after 2 am.  But me?  Oh no, not me.  I woke up at 2 to his cries, gave him a little cuddle and sent him back to bed and then couldn't go back to sleep myself!  In fact I was awake till 4:30 silently weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth because sleep would just. not. come and I was so very tired.  Even after 4:30 it was a fitful sleep full of tossing and turning and thinking that I could hear Ben crying again.

So today.  Tuesday.  The day that was scheduled for productivity and one more section of yard cleared by the sweat of my brow... well, it's kind of been a bust. And I'm okay with that.  There's still tomorrow to mow the lawn.  The tree stumps can wait another week, heaven knows they'll still be there.  (Did I tell you that I have dug out 17 stumps all by myself this year? 17!! I feel pretty good about that.)  Instead I took a nap.  I went for a walk with Ben and let him play at the park for a bit.  I pretended to do the dishes and have opted for salads for dinner because then I don't have to cook.  I will still forsake the make-up because it's almost 3pm right now and what's the point.  I will let go.  I will be content to do the bare minimum.  I will let my mind wander and should it start making lists of what "should be done" I will make it stop.  Today I will be okay with what has been done.

Today I will just be.

Taking the Plunge!

I've done it.  I've created a photography blog with samples of my work.  Not all of it, but some of it.  Check it out here:  http://mothernatureslight.blogspot.com/

I'm also offering my services for hire.  And I'm cheap. Not in the trashy kind of way but in the "hey, I could actually afford to hire you" kind of way.  So if you want photos taken of your kids, or you and your kids, or your kids prom dates, or even an event in your backyard, I'm your man... well woman.  And if you know someone who would like my services, feel free to pass it on.  Contact me via email: mdmarian02@hotmail.com or phone 435-760-5639, or comment on this blog.  I'm easy. But not in the trashy kind of way.

Now, get outside and enjoy this beautiful weather!

Breaking the Silence

I have been silent for a long, long time.  I thought I was dealing but a few events of the past week have shown me that I'm not.  I haven't been running, just ignoring it. Hoping it would go away.  Hoping that it really didn't happen and that if I just went on with life as "normal" then it would all be as it should.

It just doesn't work that way.  Life has presented me with a new normal and though it resembles the old one, it is different.

The passing of my father was so very unexpected.  So blinding.  So harsh.  I thought we'd have at least another 20 years together.  He was on the mend.  The surgery was a success.  He was up and moving and spending the night in his own bed in his own home.  He was supposed to see my son grow.  He was supposed to stay at my house several more times.  He was supposed to laugh and heal and be happy again.

It's been three Sunday's since he passed.  Since the phone call that gutted my soul and left me a sobbing mess.  For a week I was transported somewhere else.  Somewhere where funerals were planned, stories were shared, tears were shed, and many embraces of comfort were given and received.  And then... back to life.  Back to Logan where everything looked the same.  Back to laundry and dishes and meals.  Back to getting things done.  Routine.  The sweet comfort of routine.  The past week to be forgotten.  Moving on. 

I thought I was dealing.  I had moments in private where I remembered.  I got past it.  People ask how I'm doing and it takes me a minute to realize what they are really asking.  Not the "how are you" but the "how are you".  Fine.  Really and truly fine.  Doing better than expected.  Taking comfort in the gospel.  Going forward.  Realizing that life is really really short.  People deal with this every day.  It's the order of things.  I'm not the only one who has lost a father and no special treatment is expected.  I'm fine.

But...

I didn't realize until Sunday, Mother's Day, on the way home from my mom's.  I wasn't doing fine.  I wasn't dealing.  I was pushing those emotions away, unsure how to deal.  Unsure how to feel.  Unsure whether I should be worried that I wasn't a messy pile of goo on the floor at least some of the time.  Should I have worse days?  Am I emotionally stunted?  Do I laugh anymore?

I was talking with David on the way home and voicing these thoughts for the first time.  Conversations with friends felt forced and uncomfortable.  Was it me or them?  Did I forget how to talk or do I just make people uneasy because I'm not talking about it?  Neither one of us knew the answer. 

Then I told David how mad I was because of the things that my dad didn't do.  The areas where I felt I had gotten the fuzzy end of the lollipop during childhood through to adulthood.  I felt angry that there was no more time to "get it right".  No more time to work on our relationship.  No more time to express my love.  No more time to get the conversation right, to get over the awkward stage of starting it.  And I felt guilty for being angry.  Guilty for daring to even think something negative about the man who has moved on from this life.  I did it anyway.  I listed all the things that bugged me and I dug deep.

Funny thing is that the deeper I dug into my past, determined to prove that this man had done a bad job, I couldn't hold on to my steam.  My anger was curbed and even dissipated as I realized how many more good things there were.  How many times of kindness, laughter, fun.  Tender moments that stand out more than all the rest.  Counsel given, love shown.

I've been putting off writing about my dad because I didn't know how to say anything.  I didn't like the picture my mind created of this event.  I could only see myself blubbering uncontrollably as I attempted to put into words the things that were happening in my life.  And yet I couldn't write anything else either.  Anything else was so... trivial.  So unimportant.  How could I just skip this life changing event and write about things like my gardening attempts or the increase in potted plants due to the funeral without actually talking about the loss?  It would have felt like a betrayal to my soul.

I am doing better.  I am thawing out.  Writing this is a big step for me.  It's one thing to have it written in the privacy of my own journal.  I can say anything I want and no one is the wiser.  But here.  Here is different.  Here is admitting that something happened even though all those who read more than likely know already.  Writing it down and sharing helps me deal.  I am dealing.  And now it's mostly good although I miss him terribly.

This picture was taken on July 14, 2012  Dad's 62nd birthday.
He passed away on April 21, 2013