Do Over

I have had a lot of time to think lately.  Not that the amount of time in my day has increased, but rather because I have just been plain old absent from internet communications.  I check my email once a day, sometimes twice, put in a quick glance on Facebook and then just stop.  I'm woefully behind on my Google Reader and pages and pages of Pinterest items have gone unlooked at. Nothing personal to anyone out there, I just haven't had the energy lately.  It's mostly because I kept on trying to get on for a quick look and found myself losing track of time and then not having time to do the important things like Cooking Dinner or Eating.  So rather than putting off the morning meal, I put off the morning reading/pinning check and now they have gone by the way side rather than breakfast.  My husband can attest... this is a good thing! Food makes me happy.  And happy people just don't kill their husbands!

But I digress.

Do Over.

I've genuinely tried to live life with no regrets.  I remember hearing that phrase as a teenager and thinking that I knew what it meant.  Do things you wouldn't normally do!  Be brave! Don't let the world pass you by! All such vague concepts.  Trivial even.  Back then it meant to take that vacation, go on that ride, throw caution to the wind and try something new.  As I've gotten older and have had more "life" to look back on, I've realized that it means more.  It was never about taking that vacation or throwing caution to the wind, it was more about being able to live with myself.  The consequences of my actions or inactions. 

I am not without regrets.  I am not haunted by a multitude either, but there are some strong instances that stick out.  Some strong instances that really do haunt me.

One was in the mission field.  My companion and I were teaching a gentleman.  He had a desire to learn, to figure out what all this "Mormonism" was about.  His profession taught him to question everything, to research both sides, and he did his job well.  Many meetings were spent addressing these questions.  At the end of each meeting either my companion or myself would bear testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel.  It didn't always make sense to him but he always felt something positive and invited us back.  Except for the last time.  Scheduling got in the way.  We met him at his office building and the room was only available for a limited time.  It had been an exhausting discussion.  At the end I felt that I should bear strong testimony but in the rush of the moment I decided to skip it this time and be sure to do it extra well next time.  Right?

There was no next time.  He never invited us back.  I never got my second chance, my Do Over, to make things right.  That was 15ish years ago and it still haunts me.  What would have happened if I had followed my gut?  If I had been brave enough to do the right thing?

The other haunt is in regards to someone I just don't know well at all.  Someone whom I judged rashly.  Harshly even.  Someone who really needed to be a part of something but I just wasn't brave enough to take it on.  Not brave enough to really open my heart.  Not brave enough to help someone heal theirs.  I thought there would be someone else that could step in much better than I could.  I don't really know if I could have helped, if my efforts would have even made a difference.  I never gave it a chance.

Times gives perspective.  15 years of haunting, of looking back with regret and shame; wanting to bury it, leave it in the past where it belongs; ignore it and it will go away right?  15 years of learning and growing.  15 years to get brave.  15 years to do what I should have done in the first place.  My Do Over.

I could be called "chicken" by nature, or at least when it comes to confrontation.  I don't like to call people.  I don't know how to face them sometimes.  I write things instead.  That's what I decided to do, write letters.  A heartfelt apology for not being brave enough to do what was right when it counted the most.   Pouring out my heart, asking for forgiveness, bearing my soul....  There are so many ways each could be taken.  Mocked, made the object of office ridicule, laughed at, thought about, wondered about....  I have no idea how they were taken.  But I do know that for the first time in 15 years I don't look back with shame, guilt, or regret.  I may not have made the right choice the first time around, but I took a Do Over, or rather a Try Again and that's the best I can do. 

The rest of my life is far from perfect.  Mistakes are made daily.  They just aren't the haunting kind.  15 years of regret teaches its own lessons.  I like to think that I have gained some perspective.  Realized that there are things that are worth standing up for regardless of who surrounds me.  I do not want to be shamed into making the wrong choice.  I do not want to be scared away from making the right one. 

We all have battles to fight of our own.  Choices to make, adversity to face.  Will the decisions we make today haunt us 15 years from now? 

A day in the life

Tuesday 8/28/2012

This was our day.

It's not important.

It's not life altering.

But it was kind of fun in places.

Stressful in others.

Always more to do that time to do it in.

Including capturing it in picture form.

So here are some highlights.

Just the good stuff.

 

 

Ben got his first tooth.  His first real tooth.  It appeared on Sunday. In celebration I gave him an apple slice on Tuesday.  He wasn't sure what do.

He figured out it.

 

This is the current state of my produce corner. I keep on meaning to bottle or freeze the tomatoes, cook the zucchini and yellow squash and baby potatoes for dinner, boil the yams for Ben, leaving the pears, bananas, and avocados a sanctuary all their own to ripen and be eaten as pleased.

 

Breakfast of champions!  A Kefir, banana, peach, strawberry smoothie and a banana bar with cream cheese frosting.  The smoothie should balance everything out right??

 

We went for a walk.  Ben in his hat and me in mine.  That should work off some of those cream cheese calories right?  Ok, I don't really care about the calories, but we both enjoyed the fresh air.

 

The zucchini was used!  Oven baked zucchini chips to the rescue!  Surprisingly tasty too!

 

I finally got the chance to use my multi-pack of sharpie markers.  I'm a sucker for office/school supplies and have been wanting these for a long long time.  I found them on sale for $4 at Staples and they were mine!  So much better than $12!  I would post a picture of what I did with them, but it would ruin a birthday surprise for someone else.

 

Ben LOVES bath time.  Loves. The bathroom gets a shower every time he gets a bath!

 

Nothing like a little chocolate to end the day and something on Netflix to end a day.

 

More happened.

David was here for some of it.

He worked at CAPSA all day, came home and quickly grilled burgers for dinner and headed off to a Young Men's activity, thus his absence in the photo portion.

 

All in all, not a bad day.

 

 



Simplify

Remember that first of the year word that I'm too lazy to link to?  Well my goal was to simplify my life and be resourceful.  To provide on a shoestring budget.  To let go of things and find ways to do others.

I've felt a need to really take stock of where I am right now.  It's always interesting to look back and compare how things actually have been to how you thought they would be.  Simplicity came in different forms. 

*Instead of getting rid of stuff and decluttering the world, I've collected more.  But it's stuff that I love rather than just happen to have.

*I've simplified my daily structure.  Housework is no longer mandatory.  Sanity is.  There will be some sort of food on the table but the floor may not always be clean.  Or at least as clean as I like it. And that's okay.

*I've learned to combine things.  For example if I'm going to get regular exercise then it's going to be with Ben.  Gone are the days of a really hard workout.  Here are the days of a long walk with a stroller and stops to check on my baby's happiness.

*On a related note, I have let go of competing.  I'm realizing at last what real beauty is.  It really does have nothing to do with a waistline.  More on that later.

*I have let some things go.  Not physical things, but things nonetheless.  As it turns out my brain was more cluttered than I even knew!  I've decided stop being tossed about by every negative thing that comes my way and decide if I really want it taking up brain power.  If it's actually worth taking up brain power.  Why does negative seem to automatically outshine the positive?

The resourceful front has kind of been a joke. Here's what I've accomplished so far.

*I can mash fruit and vegetables for Ben to eat rather than buy the bottled baby food.

That is all.  That's it!  By this time I thought I would have made my own laundry soap and shampoo! But I get all scared of those unknown things like... borax!  It goes right along with my inability to finish my quilt because I have to change the needle on my sewing machine (with the needle that is purchased and still in the package in a bag just waiting).

So there you have it. I think next year I'll cut it down to one word and hope for maybe a month of success before laughing it off like every other New Year's goal I've ever done!  And perhaps that word should be: finish-the-dang-quilt!

Happy Wednesday my friends!

Six Months!

Can you believe my baby is 6 months old!

Me neither.

But it's true.

I tried to think of what I would be doing as this time of year if Ben wasn't a part of it.  And thinking about life without him seemed so very boring!  He has brought more laughter, more smiles, more joy than I ever thought possible.

LOVE this little guy.

What a great 6 months!

Own it, and be Beautiful

David and I had issues.  I use the past tense because that's what it is, in the past.  We had issues.  You see, we weren't getting along all that well.  We were getting on each other's nerves.  I felt like my needs weren't being met.  I needed him to change.  I needed him to be someone I could rely on, someone that could help me be happy.

He needed me to change.  His needs weren't being met.  I was not helping him to be happy.

We're not really sure when it started.  We think it reared it's ugly head when I was having all those issues with pregnancy.  Then comes the delivery of our sweet little boy and a whole new set of changes needed to be dealt with but this time with no sleep.

I needed David to come home and be a rockstar.  Someone who would walk in the door and be the strong person that I could lean on after a trying day.  The person who would make everything okay.

He needed to come home and be back in the arms of his rockstar.  I was to be strong and make everything okay after his trying day.

Do you see where this is going?

Everything came to a head a few weeks ago.  I pulled the airing of grievances card and made us have a good old pick each other apart session so he could change and be what I thought I wanted.  What I thought I needed.  I thought that's how things would be fixed.  By being brutally honest with each other.  Laying it all out on the table and picking it all apart and seeing what needed to happen.

My plan backfired.  (Shocker huh!) It created... issues.  Issues that weren't there before.  Things were said that hurt but rang true.  Well, trueish.  And some just seemed absolutely impossible to fix.  Like changing the stripes on a zebra.

I need it to be understood that we weren't miserable, we weren't a mess, we weren't hating life, we just weren't as happy as we had been in the past.  We still enjoyed each other's company, something was just... off.

We parted ways for a bit so we could think and take stock of what had just happened.

When did everything change?  What happened to us?  We used to be madly in love with each other.  We used to be completely happy with each other.  We used to have fun and talk about everything in the world.  The thing that drew us together was that we could be ourselves.  No pretenses.  No fundamental need to change.  We loved each other, were wildly attracted to each other.  We used to be enough for each other just as we were.  And being enough for each other made us better.

These were the questions that I pondered.  How on earth could I change so much so that we could be happy again.  How do I change my being?  How did this relationship become so... complicated? And then it hit me.  Something I learned back in the days of single hood.  Independence is attractive!  Being an independently happy person, genuinely happy without relying on someone else for it... is attractive.  It makes people beautiful. It makes others want to be around them.  It gives others permission to be themselves.

I used to be that independently happy person.  That is what had changed.  I was relying on David for my happiness and creating an impossible and extremely taxing job to his already full load.  No wonder it wasn't working!  I was asking the impossible.  I had set him up for complete failure.

I am in charge of my own happiness.  David is in charge of his own happiness.  We are in charge of Ben's happiness until he's old enough to take some of that on himself.

It was simple.

Overnight there was a spring back in my step.  There was a smile back on both of our faces.  We enjoy each other's company.  We talk about everything in the world.  We smile, we laugh, and we genuinely like to be around each other once again.  We are enough for each other.  Nothing needs to change that we didn't already know about before this whole thing began.  Our quirks are okay again.  And I am wildly in love with my husband again and he didn't have to change to make that happen.  It just feels so good.

I have more to say, about genuine beauty, about body acceptance... embracing your flaws.  Owning yourself and being beautiful.  But this is enough for now.

Sir Benjamin and the Dragon

For Kaia... enjoy!  (You can see Sir Benjamin's first adventure here.)

Benjamin has grown.

He's been wondering for awhile if he was getting stronger.  He was sitting up a lot more even though he still needed help from his mother.  He had been working out his legs quite a bit, and his air-boxing routine was down pat.  Well except for when he accidentally hits himself in the face, but oh what power his tiny fists hold!  But he really knew that he was getting bigger and stronger the night that his mom and dad moved him to his own room!

"At last!" he thought.  Now he didn't have to wait for mom and dad to go to sleep before starting the hunt for the dragon.  He was free to come and go as he pleased and none would be the wiser.  He'd been busy too.  He made a saddle out of his Bumbo so he could sit up while riding Sadie.  He had even figured out his hunger problem.  Mom always kept an extra bottle in the fridge, so he was able to take a snack with him.  He just tied it around Sadie's neck and when he got hungry he'd take a drink!  Yes, things were looking up for Ben and he felt certain he could find that dragon, rid the neighborhood of him and become a knight!

The last few days there had been strange noises around the neighborhood.  Sawing and grinding and rumbling noises.  Sometimes there were crashes that made the whole house shudder!  He knew it was the dragon.  What else could do such powerful things!  So one night he put on his armor, grabbed his rolling pin sword and he and Sadie went to investigate.

Around the neighborhood they went, Ben seeing what he could see and Sadie sniffing what she could sniff.  With all the seeing and the sniffing it led them to a house down the street.  It was no ordinary house though.  This house had a cave attached to it with a big gaping mouth.  And above the mouth were strange symbols that looked like this: H-A-L-E.  Neither Ben nor Sadie knew what they meant but it couldn't be good. 

They investigated further.  At the back of the cave they found such destruction!  The big tree that used to shade the neighborhood had been killed!  It's limbs were all over the place and the leaves were just everywhere!  There was even a fence or two that was in pieces.  It had to be the dragon that did it! What else could have destroyed something so big?

Benjamin and Sadie started plotting.  What they really needed was some way to look inside of the cave.  There were holes in the side covered with glass, but neither one of them were tall enough to look inside.  What were they going to do?

"What ya doin'?" said a voice out of the dark.  Ben and Sadie both jumped.  They were a little startled. 

"Did you hear that?" Ben asked Sadie who shook her head yes.  "Do you know where it came from?" he asked again and Sadie shook her head no.

"Up here silly!" said the voice.  So they both looked up.  And what do you suppose they saw but a pair of eyes looking at them from on top of the fence.  Pretty soon those eyes dropped down and Ben and Sadie were face to face with a cat!  An orange cat with mischievous glowing eyes.

"Who are you?" asked Ben. 

"I'm Wilson" said the cat. 

"Wilson huh" said Ben.  "I've heard of you before.  Aren't you the cat that hunts birds?"

Wilson stood a little taller and said "I sure am!  I'm the best hunter around these parts. It's cause I'm young and have stamina!  You should see me climb trees!  There's not a cat around who can climb one faster that me."  This got Ben thinking.  He needed a good pair of eyes to look inside the cave and tell them what was going on in there.

"Do you think you could help us out?" asked Ben.

"I suppose I could... if it suits me that is.  I am awfully busy these days with all the bird hunting and sleeping and stuff."  Ben had heard that cats were finicky.  Wilson was no exception. "What do you need?"

"We need you to look inside the dragon's cave and tell us what's going on."

"Dragon huh! I didn't know there was a dragon in the neighborhood!" Which just goes to show that contrary to how cats act, they do not know everything.

"Of course there is!  What do you think ripped apart that big tree?" said Ben.  "I'm gonna slay him so that I can become a  knight.  It's pretty important stuff."

"Oh" said Wilson.  "I suppose if it's important.  Is there a reward or anything? Do I get to chase birds?" 

"I'm not doing this for a reward!  I'm doing it because that's what a knight would do! Protect the ones he loves. Besides, aren't you even a little bit curious to see what's inside?" 

Wilson had to admit he was curious.  And you know cats and their curiosity. Without further ado he jumped up onto the window of the cave and took a look.

"It's kind of dark in there but I do see something glowing.  Let me get a better look."  With a twitch of his tail and a twinkle in his eyes Wilson jumped down and ran to the back side of the cave. Ben and Sadie sat patiently waiting for Wilson's return.  It was a good time for a break anyways.  Ben was getting thirsty and was ever so glad he remembered to bring a bottle.

Pretty soon Wilson returned with his report.  "It was pretty dark but I was able to see a few things.  There is something glowing in the corner and it looks like it's filled with fire!  Don't dragons breathe fire?"

"They sure do!" said Ben. "It's gotta be the dragon for sure! Let's set a trap.  Next time he comes out of his cave to terrorize the neighborhood, or the trees, we'll get him!" Ben thought and thought about how to catch the dragon and he came up with a plan.  He was always hearing about the benefits of duct tape and how it could magically fix everything... furniture, car bumpers, windows, the soles of shoes, etc.  If ever they needed some magic tape it was now.  He was pretty sure his dad had some.

Ben and Sadie raced home with Wilson following behind.  Ben crawled around the house until he found the duct tape and then they were off.  Back to the dragon's cave!  All three of them set about laying down layer after layer of duct tape across the ground in front of the cave.  They made a criss cross pattern, Ben laying it down and Wilson using his claws to cut through the ends of the tape.  Then they sat and waited.

And waited.. and waited.  Finally, just before the sun rose and Ben had to get back before his parents checked on him, there was a rumbling in the cave.  The dragon was awake!  Things were slamming around and they could all hear footsteps.  Then the mouth of the cave started to open up!  Ben, Sadie, and Wilson jumped into the bushes to hide.

Rumble rumble rumble!  The dragon emerged!  It looked differently than any of them thought.  This dragon was blue.  And it had funny eyes that glowed and looked way too far apart.  And instead of flying about it rolled out.  "What a funny looking dragon!" they all thought.  "And where's the fire?" they thought.

Despite this odd dragon the trap had worked!  It rolled out of its cave and stuck fast!  Then the strangest thing happened.  The side of the great dragon's head came open!  And then a man got out and yelled.  "Vee! Do you know why there's duct tape all over the drive way?!?  And why is my forge still lit?"

It became clear to all three of the dragon hunters that they had made a mistake!  Wilson, being the first to put all the pieces together and the most scared (despite his boasting he was a bit of a scaredy-cat) ran up the nearest tree and hid.  Ben jumped up on Sadie to make a quick get away but then decided that that's not how a knight would act.  So he and Sadie decided to talk to the man.

It was clear the mad did not quite know what to make of Ben and Sadie and he just stared at them in awe as they came nearer.  Ben didn't want this to go on any longer than necessary so he just jumped right in.  "We are sorry about your...vehicle sir, you see we thought it was a dragon and really you could hardly blame us since there was so much destruction in your backyard with that giant tree all torn to pieces we thought for sure that the dragon lived in this cave that you rolled out of so we tried to trap it because I want to be a knight and this is the only way I know how and I'm really really sorry that this happened and caused you so much trauma and can I see your forge and do you think you could make a sword for me cause this rolling pin isn't very sharp?"

Ben said it all in one big breath.  Unfortunately all the man heard was a lot of gurgling and some cooing and a little spitting every once in awhile.  The he said "Hey little guy, you look kid of familiar!  Hey Vee, doesn't this baby look familiar to you?"

Vee came out of the house, "Well he sure does!  That's Ben!  But what's he doing out here?  We better call his parents." But before Vee could even get back inside Ben kicked Sadie in the rump and off they went!  He certainly did not want his parents to find out!  So off they went through the neighborhood and back to home.  It was about 7am at this time and his parents were just starting to really stir. Ben put everything back as fast as he could and climbed back into his bed.

"Dragon hunting is hard business", he gurgled to himself. "Perhaps I should change professions.  Maybe I could be a biker like my grandpa!"  And he drifted off for a little morning nap with thoughts of Harleys dancing through his head.

~ ~ ~ ~

Honey.... do you know why there are pine needles stuck in Ben's Bumbo?... and duct tape?

We were on a break!

Your welcome.

I've taken a break.  From just about everything I could take a break from.  Namely: my addiction to the internet including but not limited to blog surfing and facebook; writing in general; talking to people; neglecting my house; anything that has been my "norm" lately.

It's felt good. I go through these times every once in awhile.  These times where I step back and re-evaluate my presence.  What I want to say with the words that I write.  What I want to do with my time, basically how I want to actually live my life. 

I usually discover some good things and some bad things during these times.  "Bad" meaning things that I would like to change about myself.  Things/behavior that I have not been particularly pleased with.  I won't list those because they are for me alone.  Although I did realize that I spend way too much time on facebook since my recent internet absence resulted in a few emails wondering if I was okay since I had been "silent" for sometime.  Never fear my friends, all is well.

Mostly it's been a time to just be.  To be with family.  To sit and relax and not worry about anything that I don't absolutely have to worry about.  To soak in my surroundings and let change come to me rather than seek it.  To do things without thinking too much about them.  To take advantage of no schedule and nothing pressing.

Someday maybe I'll tell you all about it.  But mostly, for right now, I still just want to be for awhile.

Dancing

I've been dancing through this week.
Flitting about from project to project, completing nothing and enjoying everything.
Well, almost everything.

Paintbrushes
Fabric
Laundry
Strawberries
Fireworks
Pasta
Squishy peaches
Mashed potatoes with gravy
Diaper changes
Naps
Giggles
Ikea chocolate bars
Chocolate cake for every meal
Splashes of bath water
Missing my husband till it kind of hurts
Missing him till it really hurts
Hoping the days would go by faster
Really good friends
Sonic shakes
Kneaders french toast
Dishes
More Ikea chocolate
More friends
Walks with the stroller and my sleepy boy

The dance steps were a little awkward at times but I'm pretty sure I managed to avoid smashing any toes.  I'm certain I would do better with a dance partner.