Peaches come in a can, they were put there by a man...

Once upon a time in the far away land of Hurricane, Lora was given two 5 gallon buckets of peaches by her wonderful inlaws. "What wonderful, money-saving joy!" exclaimed Lora upon receiving the gift. "I will take them home to Logan and bottle them so they can be enjoyed for months to come." And Lora did just that.

She went home and bought herself a pressure cooker, having learned the proper technique from her mother, and set to work. All evening and into the night she scalded, pealed, pared, and pressured her peaches. And all evening and into the night her husband David was by her side participating in such projects as the lifting of the pressure cooker and the taking off of the lid. They were both exhausted but pleased with their work.

A few days passed and more of the peaches became ripe enough to bottle. Lora decided that Saturday morning was the morning to finish preserving her wonderful peaches. David helped once again, this time with the peeling and paring but only for awhile as he had to run off to a study group so as not to fail his classes. So Lora finished the job herself. She filled the pressure cooker, tightened the lid, lit the stove and cooked those peaches. All seemed to be well in the land until it came time to take off the lid. You see, it wouldn't come off. All she had to do was twist and lift, but the lid would not twist. She grabbed pot-holders and tried again to no avail. "Perhaps the metal is still too hot and it needs to cool down," she thought to herself. So she went inside and took a shower while the metal cooled.

After getting dressed and attempting to do her hair, Lora tried the lid again. Still it wouldn't budge. By this time her frustration was starting to show in the vein in her forehead. "I'll show you!" she said to the lid, and immediately got a hammer and screw-driver. "Perhaps I can give the lid a little 'love tap' and help it move." So she positioned the screw-driver like a chisel and gently tapped the lid hoping it would slide enough to unlatch. Tap tap tap went the hammer. Then TAP TAP TAP went the hammer. Then TAP TAP TAP went the hammer. It didn't budge. Then the cussing began. Not out loud mind you, there were neighbors who could hear, but she was drop kicking her pressure cooker out the door in her head!

"What kind of a stupid pressure cooker is this that the lid won't come off! What am I supposed to do, call David every time I need the lid taken off! What a waste of time and money, I can't believe this is happening... stupid... mumble mumble... dumb... mumble mumble... pressure cooker... lid won't come off.. stupid... mumble mumble." Then the phone rang. It was Lora's mother. "How's the pressure cooker? Aren't you just loving it?!" said her mother, jovially. "NO!" Lora roared back giving voice to her frustrations. "I can't get the lid off!!!" "Have you read the instructions?" her mother replied. "No, but it's stupid, I can tell about these things and I'm clearly doomed!" cried Lora. "Well that's awful" said her mother sympathetically, "but perhaps you should take a look who knows, it might be helpful and if not you can take it back."

Lora thought about this and decided to give it a go. "In case of vacuum seal," read the instructions, "take a flat head screw-driver and gently lift around each wing-nut to break the seal being careful so as not to damage the metal." It seemed so simple she was sure it wouldn't work, but why not try to at least say she did. So Lora picked up the screw-driver and placed it by the first wing-nut and prepared to heave-ho. Applying approximately the pressure of the weight of her little finger, the lid lifted with a small pfft of air and the seal was broken revealing the peaches inside.

The moral of the story: no matter how stupid and unnecessary you think they are, always read the directions first.

For your enjoyment, the Presidents of the United States of America: Peaches