Yellow

So, I have been on this Tom Petty kick for some odd reason. The "Wildflowers" album in particularly. I really like the entire thing which is semi-odd for me. There's usually at least one song that I don't have great feeling for, but not this time.

The "Wildflowers" album has some special meaning for me in a crazy sort of way. It was actually introduced to me by a guy that I liked at the time. Actually I liked him for about two years. We spent a lot of on/off time together and me trying to figure out just what was going on between us. It was seriously one of the most confusing times of my life. There were parts of it that I loved and parts that I look back on and hate.

I loved that it was exciting. I love that for the most part, he was a decent guy. He was taller than me and for some reason he had a smile that I could't resist. He was a serious thinker, drove a big old truck that didn't fit his personality at all, and he could make me laugh.

I hated that I couldn't make him laugh. That he never really saw who I was. That he could make my stomach do flip-flops even after we were over. I hated that he had a hard time letting me go.

He was my friend who couldn't be more than a friend but couldn't let me go at the same time. I didn't understand why for a long time. I do now. When we parted, really parted, it was one of the hardest things I had done up to that point in my life. I remember leaving his apartment and crying all night until I fell asleep. Then I would wake up and cry again. It was even worse that he wasn't heartless... he cried too. I felt like my heart was literally breaking, being wrenched from my body.

And then I was free. Truly free. After all the tears and sorrow, I felt at peace and full of life. It was good.

I have often thought about those two years of my life and what they really meant. There are times I look back and can't believe how stupid I was to hang on for so long. And yet at other times I realize how much I learned from that. He really was someone I cared about, and oddly enough I still do in some ways. There was value to that pain.

We've both moved on and lost track of each other. I often wonder what happened to him. Is he happy? "Wake Up Time" by Tom Petty always makes me think of him. So if you're out there... this is for you.