Becoming

Today I struggle.

I struggle to know what feelings are mine, which are the drugs messing with my hormones, my head, and my heart.  Which feelings are those that I really can handle and which are things that are just beyond me. When is it time to call it a day and sink into a haze of nothingness?

Yesterday I got a phone call from the pharmacy that our IVF cycle drugs are being ordered through.  My first set of injections are scheduled to start this Friday.  I can't say that I'm wholeheartedly looking forward to the actual injections, but I can say that I really am ready to get things going.  To move forward once again.  Not just to put it to rest and say "now we've done all we can do to have a child of our own".  I really do have hope this time.  Solid, real, almost tangible hope. 

The phone call was a courtesy call to make sure that information was correct and to get payment information taken care of.  We are one of the incredibly lucky and blessed people who actually have insurance that will cover IVF procedures with the accompanying medication.  For those of you who know, that is a major thing to have happen.  I don't know of any other insurance that actually covers it.  So I promptly informed the woman on the line that our insurance should cover the $125 for the medicines.  She said that they didn't.  I said that they should and she said they don't and I'm welcome to find another pharmacy to order the medication through and have it there by Friday.

I ended up paying for it because at this point it wasn't worth the hassle.  This particular medication was not the expensive stuff and we would have time to get it all sorted out before the expensive stuff needs to be ordered.

Long story short, it turns out that our insurance is a bit of a mess.  Of the sort that you can call the same number three different times and get three different answers as to what needs to be done in order to get approved for the insurance to actually pay for IVF.  All things that we thought we had done.  All things that we had followed up on.  All things that no one seems to have record of.  That means time.  It also means delays.  It means that unless things get straightened out by tomorrow we probably won't be going forward with IVF this month.  It means another month, maybe two before we really get to start.

Perhaps it's a little extreme, but I'm tired of monthly delays.  I've spent the last 3-4 years living by the month.  Planning by the month.  Being disappointed by the month.  We haven't obsessed about it, and truthfully we've gotten used to letting things go.  It slips into the background quite nicely, still noticeable but not quite as painful as it used to be.

It's just a delay.  It's not that bad. It just seems like there's always another delay.

So here I am.  Today.  Wondering who I am.  Wondering who I am to become.  Wondering what I am to learn from all of this.  Where do I fit.  What is the purpose of all this delay?  What am I missing?  Is this one of the bumps along the path to help wear down a particularly rough spot?  These are all things that I have wondered about before and I dare say I will wonder about it again before this is all said and done.