Thursday, April 28, 2011


Today I struggle.

I struggle to know what feelings are mine, which are the drugs messing with my hormones, my head, and my heart.  Which feelings are those that I really can handle and which are things that are just beyond me. When is it time to call it a day and sink into a haze of nothingness?

Yesterday I got a phone call from the pharmacy that our IVF cycle drugs are being ordered through.  My first set of injections are scheduled to start this Friday.  I can't say that I'm wholeheartedly looking forward to the actual injections, but I can say that I really am ready to get things going.  To move forward once again.  Not just to put it to rest and say "now we've done all we can do to have a child of our own".  I really do have hope this time.  Solid, real, almost tangible hope. 

The phone call was a courtesy call to make sure that information was correct and to get payment information taken care of.  We are one of the incredibly lucky and blessed people who actually have insurance that will cover IVF procedures with the accompanying medication.  For those of you who know, that is a major thing to have happen.  I don't know of any other insurance that actually covers it.  So I promptly informed the woman on the line that our insurance should cover the $125 for the medicines.  She said that they didn't.  I said that they should and she said they don't and I'm welcome to find another pharmacy to order the medication through and have it there by Friday.

I ended up paying for it because at this point it wasn't worth the hassle.  This particular medication was not the expensive stuff and we would have time to get it all sorted out before the expensive stuff needs to be ordered.

Long story short, it turns out that our insurance is a bit of a mess.  Of the sort that you can call the same number three different times and get three different answers as to what needs to be done in order to get approved for the insurance to actually pay for IVF.  All things that we thought we had done.  All things that we had followed up on.  All things that no one seems to have record of.  That means time.  It also means delays.  It means that unless things get straightened out by tomorrow we probably won't be going forward with IVF this month.  It means another month, maybe two before we really get to start.

Perhaps it's a little extreme, but I'm tired of monthly delays.  I've spent the last 3-4 years living by the month.  Planning by the month.  Being disappointed by the month.  We haven't obsessed about it, and truthfully we've gotten used to letting things go.  It slips into the background quite nicely, still noticeable but not quite as painful as it used to be.

It's just a delay.  It's not that bad. It just seems like there's always another delay.

So here I am.  Today.  Wondering who I am.  Wondering who I am to become.  Wondering what I am to learn from all of this.  Where do I fit.  What is the purpose of all this delay?  What am I missing?  Is this one of the bumps along the path to help wear down a particularly rough spot?  These are all things that I have wondered about before and I dare say I will wonder about it again before this is all said and done.


  1. How frustrating! I'm so sorry! I hope that things work out for you all really soon, so you don't have to wait any more "months"!

    Your last paragraph has a lot of sentiments I feel for other reasons, and I know that we may not have or get all the answers now, but we will overcome our challenges if we just Trust in the Lord.

    Love ya jEss :D

  2. Argh, how annoying! I'm so sorry for he delay.

    See the 4 kids on my sister's blog here: They're all from the IFV shots. Hopefully you get the same outcome :)

    I love you!

  3. Brenda they are adorable! I think I can honestly say that twins would be alright with me.

  4. So sorry for the mess. That's got to be maddening. I agree with Jess that the last paragraph resonates with me as well. Maybe we're not missing anything- maybe we are just being shown different parts of ourselves for some reason. I'm not quite sure what to do in the meantime with all the waiting. Live I guess. Love you. *HUGS*

  5. Why does insurance have to require all this hoop-jumping mumbo jumbo. I'm pretty sure the devil himself is the president of some of these companies. :) Okay maybe that is a bit extreme but that is to be expected when they are messing with family. We pray for you every night if it helps to know that we think about you that often. Love ya

  6. Lora, I am so sorry for the stress. Insurance companies can be SO frustrating!

    I cannot imagine that many "months" of waiting and wondering... living month to month is such a wonderful analogy. I hope everything works out on track for you THIS month. Miracles happen.

    The older I get and the more experiences I have, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything. That being said doesn't make it any easier or make you feel any better, but sometimes when I find myself with all of those questions you asked for whatever reason, I pray really hard to know "What am I supposed to learn from this?" and "What would YOU have me do?" Sometimes the answers come right away and some things I am still waiting for an answer, but the peace that comes from focusing on the Spirit helps me get through.

    You are so amazing and brave and wonderful and I am so thankful to have such a caring friend and neighbor. I love ya and I'm praying for you everyday.

  7. Sob....:(.... I will be PRAYING for you, lady.... Something HAS to work out... I love you dearly....

  8. Oh, man. I'm so sorry! HOPE! Hope that it all magically gets straightened by tomorrow and that you had great answers today and, if not, that you are given lots of love the next month. Hope, my friend. I'm bursting with it for you.

  9. Thinking of you during this difficult time...I don't know why we have to wait for things, especially righteous and good things but I do know that we are never left alone while waiting for them! I too don't like insurance companies and am positive that this just adds to the frustrations and stress you are feeling! Patience is a true mark of a god like character...and you my friend are developing that as the months pass and you wait for what you truly desire. Know that you are not alone but truly loved by so many!

  10. To all my wonderful wonderful friends and family and supporters and pray-ers and finger-crossers, it worked! The insurance people, and the billing at the doctors office all agree that we can safely move forward!! I am so relieved and so thankful for all of you! Miracles really do happen!