Friday, July 9, 2010

Confession Time

So here's where I need your support.  Here is were I tell you my woes and no matter how non-sensical they are, like the wonderful people you are, you come to my aid and say:  It's okay Lora, it will be alright.

For some time now my good friend and past roommate Brenda has been asking about our story.  The story that led us to want to adopt. I've put it off because it just didn't seem like there was much to tell.  So many people have gone through so much more than we that it just didn't feel worthy. We hadn't exhausted our resources in the medical field because we just didn't think it was the right time for us.  Or more accurately, I honestly don't think I could have handled it emotionally.

When we started trying for children a whole 5 months after we got married back in September of 2005, we weren't that serious.  We didn't want to wait too long because we weren't getting any younger.  But we weren't entirely sure we were ready for parenthood either.  We were conflicted.  I needed to finish my schooling and David was contemplating going back to school.  We didn't really have our path decided on.  We just weren't sure where we were headed in the next little while.  So though we didn't stop anything, we didn't worry too much as the months kept passing by.

And then the months kept passing by... and passing... and passing.  I had graduated, got a job.  David was back in school.  We were older.  We wanted children.  Sure it wasn't the ideal time with tuition on the horizon, but we didn't care about that.  We knew that the Lord would provide should He decide to bless us with a little one.  So we started counting days, making use of ovulation kits, paying attention to temperature etc.  Nothing.  Next step was the doctor.

End of 2007 we went to a doctor that we both hated.  Took blood tests and couldn't quite bring myself to go back.  Got busy with life and left it for awhile.  In 2008 the passing months got too much again.  So we went to the Women's Center to a recommended doctor and had a better experience.  He actually explained a few things, like what the tests were for and how it all worked.  We did the tests, got the blood drawn, went through lovely exploratory procedures to rule out the usual suspects, and went on Clomid.  What a lovely little drug so full of disappointment.  Fortunately one of my other good friends, Ginny, informed me that the drug actually gives you all the signs of being pregnant.  Hot flashes, brain leakage, mood swings, the works.  Which is why it's so disappointing to have that monthly unwanted visitor still come and visit.  And visit it did.

Back to the doctor.  "Oh my, you have a cyst!  I don't feel comfortable putting you on other drugs until the cyst is taken care of."  Ummm. okay?  "Let's wait a month and see if it goes away all by itself.  Besides we don't know if it was there before the drug or if the drug actually caused it."  Ummmm. Okay.  So we waited until that lovely visitor came around once again, back to the doctor, cyst still there.  "How about we wait another month?"  Ummm, not so okay but okay.  Another month rolls by with same results.  At least they are prepared somewhat for my tears of frustration by this time.

Only frustration doesn't really sum it up.  How about living day to day knowing how badly you and your spouse want a family and realizing that it's your body that is failing.  Your body that is providing this monthly let down.  And still more months go by.  Finally surgery is the option of choice to take this cyst away since it's clearly in for the long haul.  Oh and did I mention that in the meantime I got to be on another lovely drug that was supposed to balance some kind of hormone level with the thrilling side effect of depression?  Yeah, those were good times.

Surgery successful.  The surgery to remove "Bob" (yes, by this time the hated thing had a name) did the job and he was gone.  More drugs?  Not yet, let's give the body time to sufficiently heal.

I took myself off of the drug with the depression side effects and David rejoiced that he has his wife back and she smilesVoluntarily!  He was overjoyed. 

A few more months pass and back to the doctor we go. And guess what?!  Wait for it, wait for it... Bob had a brother!  Took up residence once he left.  Tears.  Another month passes and the brother-of-Bob stays.  That's when I couldn't take it anymore.  At this point my doctor is giving me that "oh, it's you again" look.  Very encouraging.  Like I wasn't feeling bad enough already.  So I quit. I took myself out of the biological baby-making game and threw myself into adoption.

We had been thinking about it for awhile but had never felt it was the right time.  July of 2009 we felt like it was the right time as well as the only option that would keep me sane.  It was wonderful to be doing something that didn't involve my dysfunctional body!  This was paperwork, and pictures, and interviews.  It was heavenly and hopeful.  Our hearts were lifted and hope for a family returned.  We cried as birth mothers told their stories.  We cried as adoptive parents shared their joy at a prayer answered by a birth mother angel.  I day dreamed about the day we would be chosen.  How we would tell our families.  What we needed to prepare for it.  What our little one would look like.  I still think about it, just not as much.

When we started the adoption process David wanted to keep both doors open, adoption and biological, and I was amenable to that as long as it was on my terms.  I have trouble dividing where my energies and hopes go.  My body had disappointed me for so long that I couldn't put any trust in it anymore... at least not till now.

On Memorial day at the annual Robbin's family celebratory grave hopping ritual, we were bombarded out of the blue with stories of IVF and what it entailed.  Ok, bombarded might be extreme, but two very separate and hard to run into people were run into and brought up their story all by themselves.  It got us thinking.  It got me thinking.  Perhaps it's time to open up that biological door and let in a little air.

So we've decided to go travel the biological route again.  Or at least look a little farther down that road.  Best part is that I'm also feeling okay with both doors being opened.  I don't care where our family comes from, I just want a family.  I want to join the ranks of sleepless nights and diaper brigades. I want to capture those half smiles in the sleep and the discovery of toes.  Our family is just a couple.  It's not complete.

So, on Monday July 19th we will be meeting with a specialist in the Salt Lake area.  He's been involved in the field since the first IVF pregnancy was done in the 80s and was actually at the hospital where it was performed.  It gives me hope.  We hadn't thought much about this route before because it's just so expensive.  However we just found out that David's insurance, that sometimes we curse, is actually phenomenal when it comes to fertility.  We pay $500 and they pay 100% of the rest.  We seriously had no idea.  So at this point we have nothing to lose.  Hope is alive once more.

Then I filled out the online questionnaire and had a bit of a reality check.  It asks all sorts of questions about how old your mom was with the first and last child.  Is there a history of infertility in the family?  Do my sisters have trouble getting pregnant?  Any weird drugs?  Any health problems?  I can't tell you how completely discouraging it was to answer no to all of those questions!  No, there are no problems with any other member of my family for generations with infertility.  I am the anomaly.  I am the exception.  What's wrong with me?

I have two purposes for this route.  Well, I guess it's all the same.  Can I have children or can't I?  Up to this point it has not been clearly defined.  No one knows why my body is misbehaving.  No one's been willing to take it that far.  Heaven knows I am but I need some help getting there. I need a professional to outline my routine so all of the diagnostic steps can be taken and an answer achieved.

I honestly am okay with finding out I can't have children.  I just want to know.  It's the not knowing that is so difficult.  No answers.  Just guesses.  Dark alleys of wondering.  If I know why this is happening to me, or rather not happening, then I really can go on.  No more divided loyalties.

So, there you have it Brenda and all who have ventured this far into an incredibly long post.  That's where our story is right now.  Here's where we venture into that one dark and unexplored alley to see what's really there.  And here's to hoping for a happy ending.


  1. I feel SOOOOO special! Thanks so much for writing that!

    Are you sure you want the sleepless nights?! I'm totally kidding. Brody sleeps through the night now.

    I'm SO glad you've decided to go further in the process in fertility, even though I'm sure it sucks big time. Ask my sisters. Maybe you'll have twins like my older sister did with IVF ;)

    I'm so glad you're keeping the adoption door open as well. Skipping the pregnancy thing wouldn't be so bad! lol.

    I love you! Move to AZ!

  2. I know a bit what you are going through. I found out I had endometriosis. I had surgery and luckily go pregnant right after. But it wasn't until after the surgery did I find out that others in my family also had the same problem. I found out that my aunt had the surgery twice!

    I found myself asking too many times why is my body so different. Having baby Jack hasn't been easy either. I have had problems nursing, etc. But the more I have talked about it with others the more I have found I am not alone. Instead of thinking that there was something wrong with me, I have found an awesome support group. So even though not being able to get pregnant totally sucks and you hate that time each month that reminds you that you have to wait still another month, you are not alone, and what is right will happen at the right time. And when you become a mom, you will not take one momenot of joy for granted.

    LOVE YOU!!!

    PS When you come down we should do lunch if you are up to it.

  3. One of my favorite sayings is "It will all work out in the end. If it's not working out, it isn't the end." And it's true. Sending lots of love and positive energy from down south. Good luck! (and hooray for incredible insurance!)

  4. I'm so happy for you both for this decision! I know how hard it is to go down both roads and I hope and pray for the best for you. We are throwing our hats in the ring again with adoption,(not that we really stopped) but we are getting a little more serious. I thought I was ok with not having another child, but I have had some experiences that have changed my mind. Let me know how things go. I am so glad that you have incredible insurance to be able to go down that route! Good luck!

  5. However your family ends up coming together, you and David will be awesome parents.

    Keeping good thoughts for you!

  6. You know I can say I do feel alot of your pain. I hate that look you get too from family and then being from the small town I am having people ask you why you don't have kids yet and think you are being completely selfish. When you haven't experienced the let down month after month after month after month you just don't completely get how hard it is. Having miscarried-that was difficult too! Knowing I could get pregnant, but something wasn't quite right. So we are on the roller coaster. Just remember we are with you through it all!

    Jessica :D

  7. Oh Lora! My heart is with you. I know that this is difficult and I'm sorry that I can't empathize with you but I certainly sympathize with you. You and David will be wonderful parents- how ever that comes to be. Thank you for bravely sharing your story and trusting the blogosphere. May your life soon be filled with answers--and then when you do have a child you'll just have more questions....funny how the Lord works that way. Love to you.

    WV: "duaeduy"---Man this car'll duaeduy on the freeway easy!

  8. Huh. How about..."hugs right back at you"? Will that work?

    And you KNOW we are hoping for a little baby to torture everyone with on the way to London!

  9. I love you dearly, Lora. I pray for your uterus/sanity/and birth mothers to love you as I do.

  10. Or maybe it's just I'm praying for the wrong body part! I'll try ovaries next!

  11. Thanks for sharing your story!! I know that it can be hard, but what is right will come to pass when it is right and The Lord will not leave you alone in all of this! I for one know you are a VERY strong woman who has great faith and that my dear will get you through!!! Keep on keeping on and you will be blessed in the end! Love you lots and need to come visit soon!!!

  12. There are so many reasons why I love you all! thanks for your support. I hesitated to post this at all but I figured that if I have a crappy time with all of it then I would need the support! I think that's where I went wrong before. But seriously, thank you for your encouragement. Not an easy road but definitely one that has been travelled by many.

  13. you are going to be the perfect mother!

  14. It's kind of crazy how parallel our lives are! We went down to an expert in SLC only 3 days after you guys! The results are encouraging but expensive... IVF is our route, and apparently we are GREAT candidates for it.... we just have to come up with the $12,000. But I feel SO releaved to FINALLY have results

  15. The quote by Laura Bush:
    "no words can capture the absence"
    I regret if I have not mourned
    enough for your absence of a child. You are so amazing in your own self, that I haven't seen behind all your gifts, talents, capabilities. You seem so rich in personality and spirituality,its hard to notice anything lacking in your life.
    I pray daily for you and David,
    I hope you know that.

  16. Cynthia: Thank you, I needed that today. Almost makes me cry.

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