Thursday, February 24, 2011

Blessed are they that mourn

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted."

No one likes to see themselves as ugly.  Especially when we are presenting ourselves to the world.  We put on our best face.  We smile.  We tell about the good things.  We look for silver linings and cling to them no matter how fleeting.  But then life catches up.  The silver linings, while still there, are difficult to see for the reality that looms so impossibly large before our eyes, demanding to be dealt with.  Looked at, embraced, picked apart.  Reality demands, and needs, attention.

I'm pretty good at fooling myself.  Preparing for the worst so that when it comes I can take it all in stride.  It never really works though.  Oh it does for awhile, and most importantly it works in public.  When people ask how I'm doing I can readily look them in the eye and say "Just fine, and how are you?"

Now, I want you to know that I am fine.  Really and truly, because mourning and crying and dealing are all things that make sure that I'm fine.

Our last round of IUI did not work.  This was in no way, shape, or form a surprise.  Completely expected.  We found out about two weeks ago and it was taken in stride.  There is a plan in place to continue moving forward and there didn't seem to be reason to mourn an all too familiar loss.  In fact, it almost didn't effect me at all.  I felt like I had grown.  Like I had finally gotten a hold of these emotions of mine and could "soldier on".

Until today that is.  Or really yesterday.

I have so very much enjoyed this week.  Things have been moving along quite nicely at work.  My husband is wonderful and we've been able to support each other in so many different ways this week.  My stress has lessened and life is looking brighter.  I've been feeling really good about everything.

And then someone asked a question.  About children.  About whether or not we've considered going to a doctor since we didn't have kids yet.  I about fell over.  It made me wonder what kind of conclusions had been drawn about me.  It made me want to give a dry sarcastic laugh and set the record straight, end the conversation, and exit as quickly as possible.  Instead I said "yes, many times, many doctors, no explanation just more money, and yes we are approved for adoption as well", the quick in a nut shell explanation.

I was asked again, later in the day if I had children and an even briefer explanation was given.  I felt pretty blue the rest of the day.  Blue enough to settle for left over macaroni and cheese for dinner.

And then there was this morning.  I got up to exercise and get those endorphins going because "endorphins make you happy and happy people just don't kill their husbands." (name that movie) I exercised, I sweat, I worked out my frustrations, and then I sat on the couch and cried.  Cried for the loss that I didn't feel two weeks ago.  Cried at the unexplainedness of it all.  Cried because I feel old and I'm worried that if I ever do get children that I won't know what to do.  That I'll be out of patience, that my mother instincts have been so buried by the last 15 years that they may not surface.  Worried by how dead I feel inside sometimes.

My New Year's Resolution this year is moderation.  Well, you can't have the good without the bad.  Dark times make you appreciate the sunshine even more.  Spring will really come eventually.  Those silver linings really are out there.  But for a few moments, I need to deal with my reality.  Ask the questions, formulate the answers, get a better grip of what I'm dealing with so I can go forward.

I know that mine is not the worst situation.  I know it.  There are so many wonderful people out there that I am connected with that have their own little private "hell" that has inserted itself into their lives.  Things that don't have easy answers and sometimes make for awkward conversation.

Mourning is a necessary part of this life.  We can only receive the needed comfort if we truly allow ourselves to mourn, to feel, to accept.  That is when God can step in and lighten our path. There is hope, there is always hope. Perhaps it will be easier to see tomorrow. But for today I might just wallow in my misery, swim in it till I get all pruny (name that movie!) and then move on tomorrow, better for having done so.


I feel a little like this today. Spiky with a few blossoms. This was taken at the greenhouse shoot.

11 comments:

  1. Do you thing that mourning and morning sound the same for a reason? You can't have morning without night. I guess sometimes our nights and days are balanced. But I see some times in our lives as Alaska Winters. Way too much night/darkness/unknown/trials compared to the daylight and blessings. Bring on the Alaska Summer!!

    You are handling this very well. Crying is necessary. The comfort will come.

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  2. Lora, I just love you. I hope you know how special you are to me. Thanks for being my friend. I am SO sorry for your pain and loss. I am SO sorry that people are so insensitive and rude. I wish I could help you, I am here if you need ANYTHING ever! ((HUGS))

    I hope you can find comfort and peace in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. When things don't make any sense and it feels like we're not getting any answers... the Spirit can bring peace to our lives.

    I just have to comment on the movie quotes... love them!!!

    #1 Legally Blond
    #2 French Kiss

    love ya... I count myself lucky EVERY day since you moved here.

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  3. I am mourning with you, crying tears with you. Yes, it is OKAY to cry, scream, cry and cry again, it is normal and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has never been there. I know how you are feeling, and I remember that time in our lives, those feelings don't last forever, but for a few days it is hard. Oh Lora.... my heart is sad with you. But I will keep praying and holding on with you. XOXOXOXO

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  4. French Kiss! Man. I love that movie.

    I'm so so sorry, my friend. You know I truly do mourn with you. How about a party tomorrow with cupcakes to "party with those that party"? :)

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  5. So glad bookclub is soon. A girls' night is definitely called for. Bring on the belly pain from laughing so hard. :)

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  6. I remember spending a week with my sister when she got similarly final news. There was much crying and wallowing, but also some fun and laughter. I wish I could come cry with you and eat delicious cookies and take silly pictures.

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  7. After the mourning/morning comes the daylight when you can see the silver lining better again.

    Maybe I will take your example and not only post the silver linings.

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  8. It's a small world after all, It's a small world after all.....okay now that I have that song possibly stuck in your head (did it work?!)Where do I begin? Becca and I are super close. In fact, when I struggle and have struggled in the past I have turned to Becca. She is a dear friend of mine! She told me the other day you were in the same ward. You are so lucky to have her! Give her a hug for me!

    Anyway that is not why I orginally commented. I must say that people really don't understand what asking "trivial" questions to them do to those of us that don't see them as quite so "trivial". I hate those questions more than anything... The worst one that we had recently out here was a man Clay works with who found out that Clay was "mormon" and asked why Clay was sinning and didn't have 15kids by now. I would have slapped him!

    You cannot judge a book by its cover, plus you must rememeber that ogres are like onions because they have layers that must be peeeled back a little at a time. What I mean by that random movie quote is that life is often like that, we are in the refiners fire and each layer of our lives must me disected. It is good to have a cry now and again. It helps us to heal and in fact like you said- you are doing fine because you are crying (weird, but so true). I'm so very sorry that IUI didn't work. We pray for you all the time. I know that you will be a great mother when the time comes and that you won't have lost your motherly instinct----I don't think that is possible! :P You my dear an amazing woman and express yourself so eloquently! Better days are ahead!

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  9. Hi! My name is Amy and my husband and I are trying to adopt too! I saw your profile on the LDS family services site today and thought I would check out your blog. And I SO feel you on this post. Just the other weekend I had a really similar experience at a baby shower of all places and had to just leave the conversation and walk away after telling the totally obtuse party that they had hurt my feelings.

    Anyway, I always tell my husband that every time I make friends with somebody who doesn't have a kid, they always get pregnant. Turns out that is true with adoption too as two of my new blog buddies who are hoping to adopt also just found out that they have been chosen by birthmoms. Seriously, I started emailing with one and she and her husband had nothing in sight, and then three weeks later - bam - baby on the way. Maybe some of that luck will rub off on you. I hope so.

    Anyway, if you want to be pen pals and swap stories, my email is paulandamyadopt@gmail.com and our blog is paulandamyadopt.blogspot.com.

    ~Amy

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  10. Have I mentioned that I love you all... seriously LOVE. Thanks for all your support. I am feeling better.

    and thank you lacy for naming those movies! sigh... of contentment.

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  11. I love you Lora. So dearly. I'm still not up to speed on reading all my friends blogs after such a sabbatical. I wish I'd seen this sooner. I really despise people who don't THINK before they speak (and sadly, I have to admit that I'm one of those people sometimes). I just pray that they are not trying to cause offense---which is true of me...I know that's not your point at all, but it's what caused the melt down. I still pray for you daily, woman. I keep you and your uterus in my mind and try to tell it to suck it up...And here I am making this about me...but know that I'm doing this to try and make you smile...I struggle to comprehend your pangs of doubt because I see this amazing woman who is trying so hard to have children...doing all that she can do...You will only be blessed further because of your long and patient wait...At least, I personally believe so...

    I love you. and david.
    french kiss goes on my top 10 movies...

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