Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I feel more better

That's right, more better.  I know the rules and exactly how to break them.

The last two weeks really haven't been all that great.  They have been filled with a lot of angst.  Angst over work, angst over babies, angst over what to do at home. So many changes all at once.  But today, like Monday, I'm feeling better.

It was actually so bad at one point that I was contemplating giving up on the whole "start our own family" thing.  In fact I just wanted to be branded with the "Aunt Clarice" brand and call it a day.  Bring on the nieces and nephews and the spoiling of other people's children.  (For those of you who don't know, my Aunt Clarice, or rather my Great Aunt Clarice on my mother's side was childless also.  She was an excellent cook, had an immaculate house, and always made the children feel like a million bucks.)  I was ready to quit.  To pursue photography and the paying off of student loans.  To be content with what I have and deal with what I don't have.  "Blessings be d*mned!" thought I. I have run my race and I am done!  I felt like an old plow horse with nothing left but slow and steady.

I feel differently today.  I think that I actually had to admit it out loud.  To actually speak the words: "I don't  want children anymore" to my husband, to my mom.  Dirty diapers and potty training... not for me.  I had to say out loud what had been haunting me.  I accepted and embraced the worst.  Isn't that really it... going the complete opposite of what you have been working towards for so long.  Accepting that no matter how hard you wanted something, no matter how hard you have tried that it just might not happen for you, and then turning and embracing that alternate reality.

Even as I said the words out loud they kind of scared me.  I said it again to David.  "I don't want children."  I said it again to myself.  "I don't want children." And then I felt in my insides, that place in the pit of my stomach that guides me in those intangible decisions that we all have to make... that place inside myself responded back with "Perhaps you are wrong.  Perhaps there really is still reason to hope." 

I feel better.  Better than before.  If David and I really aren't going to be able to have children, then so be it. It's not the end of the world and I have a great example from my family to guide me.  But I also really don't want to give up yet.  We are not at the end of our rope just yet.

So today I celebrate.  Today I have things to look forward to.  Like book club, and lunch on the deck if this weather would relent and let such a thing happen.  Seeing my husband at lunch.  Photographing the transition into Spring.  Friends, family, and good good times.  There are many silver linings in this life of mine.  Though I can make no guarantees, I'm going to do my best not to forget it again.

Happy Wednesday ya'll!

Besides, who wouldn't be thrilled with these guys!  Laurelin and Nessa.  Characters all the way around.

6 comments:

  1. Lora, you are AMAZING! I love you :)

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  2. You have a way with words and speak right to my soul! I wish you the best in each and every one of your future endeavors whatever they may be.

    Jess :D

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  3. sorry, signed in as Clay apparently! last comment was from me! :D

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  4. Jessica: - I was wondering why Clay was writing! Not that it's bad but he just never has!

    Lacy and Tawnya - thanks...:)

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  5. haha, yeah that is my bad--he just always stays signed in for gmail and I didn't even think that it wasn't me since I use blogger!

    FYI: there was a good article in the Ensign for April that might be helpful. Also, there is a book my friend recommended to me, but I never got it so I don't know how it is---its at Deseret book, I forget the title, but I can look it up if you want more information.

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