Friday, March 18, 2011

The Now

Image clearly borrowed from shutterstock.
Yesterday I sat at a restaurant by myself.  I took a full hour to enjoy my meal.  I savored every bite.  Till the point that some of it was cold but that didn't matter, I still enjoyed the flavor.  I took a book and enjoyed the moment. I even had dessert. The waitress was surprised. I guess no one has dessert for lunch... or at least no one but me did that day. I enjoyed every bite of it too. Usually I am in such a hurry that the flavors blend together and I'm not really even sure what I ate or how fast I ate it.

I can't enjoy life that way.

I have been woefully absent from the blogosphere of late.  I have had a few things to figure out.  Some discoveries to make.

1.  I need a schedule.  No matter how much I would like to throw caution to the wind and live for the here and now, I need a plan for the day, even for the week sometimes.  When I have an idea of when things are going to get done, then I can relax and enjoy the present.

2.  Making my own lunch has really thrown off my groove.  For the last 4.5 years I could go to the Hub, Marketplace, Skyroom, Quadside, or Junction and get whatever it is my taste buds felt like that day.  Now I have one more thing to plan and winging it is not working so well.

3.  The non-separation of the work computer from the home computer strangely limits my natural desire to blog, or really do anything "personal" on the computer.  I still have several topics waiting in the wings, I just haven't felt like actually writing.  I am kind of disturbed by this revelation.  It goes against my commitment to moderation as well as taking care of that need to express myself.

4.  Despite the fact that I work from home now and have "more time on my hands" I have learned that I can't say yes to everything that is asked.  I still have to take charge of my life and not be tossed about with every whim or request.

5.  Moving forward with our infertility options is scaring me right now.  I've never been good with needles and there will be a lot with IVF.  A lot that I have to give myself.  I'm scared of the effects of the hormones and exceptionally strong fertility drugs and all that things that could go wrong with it.  I'm scared of the fact that it might not work either.  So I'm taking a bit longer than I thought to "dive in" to it.  I want to enjoy my sanity a little while before I lose it completely.

Now, there's a lot in there that needs a "Toughen up there cupcake!" and that's okay.  I'm working on it.  But for the last 4 years or so these are things that I have not had time in the day to deal with.  They have haunted me at night, or in the wee small hours of the morning.  Now I have a little more time on my hands and things that have been buried by busyness are now coming to the front lines.  And that's okay.  Sometimes it really is the little things that do the most damage, and now is the time to deal with them.

So like my dessert yesterday, I plan on enjoying this time.  Figuring things out and savoring the moments both good and bad.  The good because they give me something to hold on to during the bad.  The bad because that's usually when I learn the most about the changes I need to make.  Both help me move forward.


  1. your lunch sounds wonderful....

    I love your blog and really look forward to reading it -- that should be your incentive to write, right? ha ha

    I really struggle with transitions too, especially "permanent" ones. I'm sure there was a time 5 years ago when you started your job at USU and it felt strange to go eat at the Hub everyday or whatever. New is always hard for me. I hope you can find your new groove... speaking of which, we need to watch "The Emperor's New Groove" together, that just sounds fun!

    I hope you can find the strength and peace to do what is right of for you with all the IVF stuff. I can't imagine. I'm praying for you everyday.

    love ya

  2. you are amazing, just sayin'! I love your optimism and I don't like that I read this after I posted on your facebook. I knew you didn't work in the office much anymore, but I just figured you went part time. oh well. Hope you get it all figured out and enjoy the ride in the mean time!

  3. Well, if you every need a trip to HUB or the Marketplace. I know someone who will go with you and I will even spring for dessert! Then I can truely express my thoughts(you know how profound I can be) about your post.

  4. I am TERRIFIED of the drugs/hormones of IVF..... I REALLY wish we knew what we were getting ourselves into. But then, maybe ignorance is bliss :)

  5. We're probably going to be starting in April so I'll let you know all the crazy!

  6. amen to saying yes only when you can!

  7. I hope you're okay with me asking you a million questions :) We're hopefully starting ours in May, so we'll be right there with ya :)

  8. So completely okay with that it's ridiculous! Happy to share the joy :)