Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I find myself searching these days.  Searching to solutions for storage problems.  Searching for ways to feel just a little bit better, be healthier.  Searching for inspiration, creativity, words of wisdom.  Searching for a better way to live the life that I have.  Searching for answers to questions that I haven't even asked yet.  That I don't even know to ask yet.

As the time draws closer for our little guy to arrive (4 weeks my friends!... give or take), I find myself more nervous.  I wonder if I am prepared.  I wonder if there is even a way to be prepared.  I wonder what he'll look like, if my mothering instincts will kick in.  I wonder if my depression will come back.  I wonder if I'll have the strength to deal with it, whatever "it" is.

I want so very much to enjoy this time of my life.  To enjoy every minute of the little life that will be joining our house soon.  I plan to.  But can you really plan for the unknown?  What if he's colicky?  What if he never sleeps?  What if I never sleep?  What if he has other health problems?  I declined having the tests done to check for any genetic defaults/problems.  At the time I felt certain that it was unnecessary.  I didn't want the stress of worrying about it especially since there are so many false alarms and expensive "further testing" that come with genetic testing.  I'm not really worried about it.  I think I just get overly hormonal at times and get all crazy over nothing.  It seems to be happening more and more.

So I search.  I keep adding more blogs to my google reader account.  Blogs about do it yourself projects, about living life in the moment, about home storage, resourcefulness, and cleaning tips.  Searching.  Still not sure what I'm searching for.

Perhaps in all of this infertility and pregnancy madness that has had most of my attention these last 3,4,5 years, I've lost a bit of myself.  Maybe that's what I'm searching for.  That part that I have lost somewhere on this journey.  The part that I haven't noticed has even been gone.  Huh. I wonder if there's a blog about that.


  1. You think you know tired now? haha! Motherhood is so fun, yet SO exhausting! Does that make you feel ready? At least you have family close by that can help you out!

    I'm not going to lie; delivery is a beast, nursing is a beast (at first), you'll be so exhausted, and the list goes on! But it's all worth it!

    My suggestions: swaddle, pacifier, loud white noise, a swing, and I could go on forever! So many things I wish people would have told me when Brody was a newborn, instead of learning things when it's too late! Capri had it much easier! Although she still exhausts me (up twice last night to eat).

    Good luck! Love ya!

  2. I think you are so cute. I can't wait to meet Thor and hold him in the crazy recliner while you take a nap.

    Delivery is the coolest thing I've ever done in my life. It is the part that makes me sad to think I won't be able to do it again.

  3. You are SO miles ahead already. I don't believe in mother's instincts (or, well, didn't) and was so amazed when they started kicking in. A little late with me, but in never the less!

    Starbucks Tuesday may become a fight over Thor while Lora naps...

  4. Thor, huh? I LOVE it!!! Can't wait til he is here! And I disagree with ShazBraz, I do NOT think delivery is the coolest thing ever lol. I do think babies are miracles, which you know! And you'll feel even more so after you deliver!

  5. Don't worry Brenda. We're not really naming him Thor! We're leaning towards Benjamin.
    And I'll have to let all ya'll know what I think the coolest thing ever is!

  6. And oh how sad I'll be to leave Starbucks Tuesdays behind for awhile. le sigh.

  7. i think the fact that you're asking all these questions just makes the searching more normal! and i've found the questions don't stop just because this is dos for me (less questions, but really- what do i do with a baby?!)... altho i've got the proof that the child actually DOES start living on the outside at some point. so, in theory i can do it again, right? way to be prepared? no way. looks? perfect. instincts? most definitely, you'll be ready to take a bullet for that squirmy bundle. depression? i'd guess yes. i think recovering after having a baby and the first few months are something that is not talked about enough. it can be discouraging and seem futile but somehow Heavenly Father blesses us with an incredible capactiy to cope. cope, not defy. and then one day, your baby's changed into this little person that you can honestly say you enjoy spending the entire day with! (of course, that feeling still comes and goes! :) ) i think miles was about 6 months old when i realized that he was fun to be with, without depleting my every resource. and of course, every minute is worth it and for some reason people are crazy enough to try it all again. :) totally my opinion, but there it is.

  8. Katherine I love that! The whole thing. The honesty of it all! What a new adventure that people keep doing all the stinkin' time! How are you doing by the way? I can't remember when you are due. I remember girl though. :)

  9. This post made me smile. For one reason. I have said many many times when I am talking to my kids "We are not going to play the what if game- we are just going to do what needs to be done" and I think that is exactly what you are going to do!

  10. It's interesting how much there is to think about and consider, but all of it leaves your mind as you're holding that sweet little baby.

    There are a million things to worry about, but you get to hold an extension from heaven and that baby is yours. You get to watch them grow and figure things out. Nothing compares. Even with challenges, nothing compares.

    And you are going to be an AMAZING mom!!!!

  11. Okay, Lora, I'll try this again...

    my four paragraphs disappeared before my eyes Tuesday night... sigh. :(

    Anyway, I was trying to think back to before I had Gabe and if I could go back what I would do.

    For me, I would do anything and everything I can't do as much with a new baby. Especially going to the temple. I know it's hard when you're SO pregnant, but it's SO worth it. I could never sit through an endowment session at that point, but I LOVED to go do initiatories. (sp?) The spiritual strength I felt lasted through the birth and those hard sleepless first months afterwards. I needed to be in a state of mind that I KNEW I wasn't alone and that I WOULD get help.

    I also enjoyed as much chocolate, garlic, onions, broccoli, and any other "NO NO" breast-feeding foods as my body would allow me to.

    You are ready. You are so amazing and full of love. All I can say is that it is ALL worth it. Really. So worth it all.

    I'm here for you ALWAYS :) love ya

  12. PS Did I tell you Zeke wanted to name Gabe THOR, for real?? yeah, Thor or Zeus -- I'm not kidding.

  13. Jenny, thank you so much for the vote of confidence! I really like the "extension from heaven" part. So looking forward to that.

    Lacy, why do I not have a hard time believing that Gabe could habe been Thor! ha! and thank you so much for your words also. It will be good when the temple is open again.... oh and I may have purchased a rather large bag of peanut m&ms today. :)