I've been the recipient of many things in my life. Good and bad and everywhere in between. And something has happened that was completely unanticipated. Completely.
I'm not the nicest person in the world, but usually when I do something that is really wrong or offensive of just bad character all the way around, I will eventually swallow my pride and seek forgiveness for whatever was done. Sometimes it is really hard, sometimes it's not so bad. It's always a lesson though. I don't really want to repeat the experience so I try harder to do better.
But sometimes... sometimes I am tired and cranky and full of stupid and I do something dumb. Something hurtful. Something wrong to someone I love. And I know it right away. Like immediately. And rather than fixing it right then I tried to make a joke out of it. And then it gets worse. And the person is hurt and angry. So I do what I should have in the first place and apologize. And then?
I've been through this before. The heavy heart, the pricking of the spirit telling me to make things right. It's hard but doable. After the pride is swallowed and the apology offered and sweet forgiveness is granted a wiser person emerges. One who vows to never do "that" again.
But what if that forgiveness doesn't come? Today I am faced with something that I really don't know what to do with. My proffered apology has been thrown back in my face. Twice. In fact I was told in no uncertain terms that my apology was refused. I believe the words were "I don't accept your apology". I tried again later but was met with silence. This person is obviously angry and hurt and I had no idea that my stupid dumb mistake would cut so deeply. No idea. None.
I've been thinking about it all day, trying to decide how to feel. How to move on and get past this for myself. My thoughts are typical "Well it's not my problem, I did my part. If they don't want to forgive me then it's all on them." "I should just move on and get over it." I've been telling myself that I should no longer feel bad about this. I should let it go. I should... should... should....
These things make sense to my head, but why does it feel like I'm hiding? Like I'm hardening my heart in order to move on? Like it doesn't matter if they forgive me or not? Because the truth is that it does matter. I have never had anyone withhold forgiveness on me before and I am surprised by how much it hurts. I do care. I want to be able to see this person again and be happy. I want to heal whatever crazy relationship was there in the first place. I don't want this person to suffer because of some stupid thoughtless mistake that I made. I don't want it to be awkward when we see each other, and we will see each other.
I am not quite sure how to proceed. I jump back and forth between acting like nothing happened and hoping it will all blow over to throwing myself at their feet begging for forgiveness. I'm pretty sure the answer is really somewhere in between. So I will ponder some more. Go on with my life and have a little prayer in my heart that I'll know the answer when I see it.
Any of you been through this before? How did you deal?