Sometimes ya just gotta

So.  My husband is awesome.  He's smart, he's witty, he's loving, he's kind.  But for some reason all of his smarts and learning and random fact giving are not enough to make up for a few simple things.  Like the making of Jello.  This is not the first Jello incident where I've wondered about my husbands IQ, but this is certainly the most entertaining.  In fact I laughed out loud when I saw the results.

You see, yesterday was rotten, absolutely rotten.  Apparently there's a bug going around and I got it bad...BAD.  I was visiting the porcelain gods yesterday roughly every 15-20 minutes whether there was something "in there" or not.  This did not stop till roughly 11:30 last night and I'm sure that was due to sheer exhaustion.

This morning I laid in bed not daring to move and was dying of thirst.  David was getting ready for work and I asked him to make some apple juice and some Jello before he left.  I figured those would both be easy on the stomach as well as provide some nourishment and wonderful blessed moisture.  So with the Jello I told him to add the ice instead of water as it would set faster.  He did it, I thanked him profusely and he was on his way to work.

When I finally dared to drag myself out of bed at 11:30 this morning, I checked on the Jello and just laughed. 

You see instead of stirring the ice cubes until they melted, he just threw them in and stuck it in the fridge.

It is especially good viewing it from the bottom.

I poured the excess water off and jigglers will have to do.

Did I mention I love this man!  I do.  May not be the best Jello but it was sure a needed laugh this morning.

Welcome Back

Welcome back my long lost September days when the nights cool off and the feeling of Fall in all it's gloriousness is just around the corner.

Welcome back smelly Bath and Body Works lotions.  I'm so very glad that you no longer make me gag.

Welcome back high school music and the memories and excitement.  This was specifically brought to me by Def Leppard and the best concert I've attended in a very long time.  Thank you Def Leppard for still being talented.  Thank you for not disappointing.  Thank you for happy memories and for giving my husband a newer appreciation for your awesomeness.

Welcome back food and all your flavors.  I know, it's still early and I still have a beef with beef (ha!) but oh Alfredo sauce how I've missed you.  And variety, you couldn't have come at a better time.  Nothing against ramen and pot pies but...

Welcome back ice cream.  I know we still have a tentative relationship but my foray into the arms of an ooey gooey caramel and brownie DQ blizzard truly brought joy to not only my taste buds but my heart as well.  I hope that we are not parted for so long again.

Welcome back energy.  I know there will be days when you escape me once again, but I'm so glad to get a glimpse of what you once were in my life.  I promise to try to not waste you or take you for granted again.

Welcome back hope for the future and the excitement that accompanies you.  It's been awhile, I'm glad to see you again.

Anything back in your life?

As the World Turns

I used to think that the scientists had it right.  The Earth was spinning on an axis of sorts keeping the delicate balance up that keeps most of us from burning or freezing.  Natural disasters, global warming and all that jazz aside of course.

This past month has taught me something entirely different.  My world revolves around my couch!  The couch is what is keeping the delicate balance of my life.  It's proximity to the bathroom, the tv remote, and various items of food.  Okay, well not so various.  August has brought to my delicate palate Chicken Pot Pies, Chicken Ramen Noodles, Pringles Salt and Vinegar chips, and three kinds of cereal.  Sometimes the pot pie is for lunch and the ramen for dinner, sometimes I get wild and crazy and switch it up.  I know, hold me back!  But that's not what this is about.

So what is this about?  Well I'll tell ya.  As I've been wallowing in despair, depression, morning/all-day sickness, and finding a will to live, I've learned a few things. 

1.  Good friends are absolutely invaluable.  Especially when you've dropped off the face of the communication earth and they still love and support you.

2.  It's okay if you have to take something to get through the day.  I've struggled with depression before but have always been able to keep it at bay with regular exercise and a good daily routine.  Pregnancy changed that.  And that's okay.  Modern medicine is a good thing.  So are therapists.  So are conference talks online and inspirational music.  Things are really looking up.

3.  I am most definitely not the only one who struggles right now.  My struggle is dealing with something that will ultimately fulfill everything that I have really wanted.  To be a mom. I have a reward at the end.  So many others are struggling right now with no end in sight.  Family, friends, perfect strangers.  In my self-wallowing pity party (which was completely justified, acceptable, and often beyond my control to stop by the way) I haven't seen much past me.  Now, as the dark cloud over my head has been lifting, I am seeing so much more.  So many who need a helping hand and support and love.  To know that they are OK and wonderful, marvelous, incredible people.  To have someone tell them that it's going to be OK.  That even though they can't see a way out right now, it's still there.  The clouds will lift.  There will be happiness again.

My husband did that for me.  My friends did that for me.  My family did that for me.  Angels come in so many forms.  So to you all, and you know who you are, Thank You.  A long overdue thank you.

And now to go forward.  I've had a few really good days.  I won't be so naive as to think that the bad ones are over forever.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel.  There is hope.  There is joy.

Let me sum up

There are some things that I want to talk about.  Random things.  They don't go together.  They probably don't even make sense.  But that's okay, my brain has been compromised.

1.  First.  Let's talk about how awesome my husband is.  He's awesome.  He's wonderful.  He's trying to finish the bathroom.  He's getting ready for Scout Camp.  He's cooking me breakfast.  He's working full time.  He's doing the grocery shopping. And he's cleaning the bathrooms.  He's a saint.  No other word for it.

2.  I am spending a sad sad sad amount of time trying to feel better.  Something strange has happened with this whole thing.  I'm still feeling pretty mediocre during the day, but between 6 & 7 pm I start to feel really really really awful.  Like wishing for death.  Like wondering why the medication has stopped working.  I sit on the couch not daring to move because if I do I start to heave.  With or without medicine I have been having an evening visit with the porcelain gods. This has me seriously concerned about Book Club this coming week.

3.  Wednesday I went to Girl's Camp.  I was the special speaker and I was so stinkin' nervous!  But do you know what?  I turned out great!  Marvelous!  Just what I needed.  I love that the Lord compensates for my inadequacies and nervousness.  Simply marvelous.  I found myself awash in Girls' camp memories from back in the day and wished that I could just stay up there with them.  I was exceptionally jealous of the leaders who looked to be having a marvelous time.  Someday perhaps I will have that opportunity again.

4.  I actually cleaned the house today.  Crazy huh!!  Dishes, vacuuming, mopping, laundry.  Done.  Feels great.

The end.  For now.

I Want...

Yesterday I had meetings at work.  I was headed up a bit early so I could be good and prepared but then something happened.  I look up into the mouth of the canyon and it called to me.  I made all the wrong turns to get to work and headed for Logan Canyon instead.  I haven't been up the canyon at all this year and I didn't know how much I missed it.  I rolled down the windows, turned off the radio and took a drive.

It brought back so many memories.  There was a time when I spent at least two days a week somewhere in the canyon.  Hiking the trails, finding a quiet spot by the river, letting the cold water wash over my feet.  It made me want it back again.  I find myself yearning to have those times back again.

So right now, this is what I want.

* I want to start a campfire in the canyon by the river and roast hot dogs and smores.  Even if I don't eat them I still want to do it.  And I want to be surrounded by friends when I do it, and play stupid games and talk about stupid things and just enjoy the carefree relaxedness of it all.

*  I want to float the Snake River again in my life.  Oh how I wish I could now.  The freedom of being on the river with one foot in the water, an oar in hand, surrounded by carefree friends.  Sun shining, laughter in the air, the excitement and thrill of the rapids coming up.  Oh I really want that back.

*  I want to play in the water at Bear Lake, lathered with sunscreen and playing with some kind of silly floating toy.  I want to eat sandwiches after I brush off the sand from my fingers.  I want to drink a cold soda while reading a book and drying off on the beach.

*  I want to feel the cool air in the pine trees and hear them sway in the breeze.  I want to smell the pine scented air and hear the squirrels call to each other.  I want to pull my jacket a little closer and still enjoy the sun on my face.

*  I want to witness the rushing sounds of waterfalls and enjoy the majesty of the Tetons.  I want to look out the car window and see the bison.  I want to walk the trails and eat lunch at a quiet spot on the side of the road.  I want to put my feet in the river and let them cool off.

I can have these days again.  Sometimes I just forget that I really can.  What's holding me back?

What do you want?

If I Could Turn Back Time..

I'd be Sher.  Okay, not really.

If I could go back in time though, this is what I would do.

First I would go back to all of the expectant mother's that were a part of my life (work, school, church, etc.) and I would cook you meals that at least your husband could eat even if you couldn't.  I would give you more time off of work and find a way to make things work.  I would excuse you from good behavior and/or customer service.  I would call you brave and beautiful and noble no matter what.  I would let you discuss baby names.  I would have even gone to your baby showers.

Second, I would filled our deep freeze with casseroles that my husband could bring out and reheat since I'm just not cooking anymore.

Third, I would have deep cleaned my house before the last step of IVF.  Floor to ceiling with ammonia and vinegar and degreaser and carpet shampoo and whatever else was needed.  The windows would have been clean.  The scuffs on the stairs gone.

Fourth, as much as we love Oscar, I wouldn't have gotten him.  I would have pushed the guilt aside and said no instead of decided to experiment and see if we are cat people.  He's fun, he's spunky, he's a little purring fur ball... turns out we're just not ready for an animal in the house.  And it also turns out that he's practically bored to tears with us.  Does anyone know of a good home.  He's litter box trained and everything.

Fifth.  I would have bought stock in Tums.

Sixth. I would have gotten rid of all the Bath and Body Works lotion and went with something bland and odorless.  With the super-prego-smeller nose everything is too strong.

Seventh.  I would have finished my bedspread that I started last year.  That way I wouldn't hate the one I have so much.  Not that it's bad, I just am tired of it.

What would you do if you could turn back time?

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

It's time.  It's time to come clean, to stop my absence from the blogosphere and let you know what is really going on here.

You see, I've had this vision in my head of what life is supposed to be like when pregnant.  The strong woman who experiences the morning sickness (or all day sickness as the case may be) and soldiers on with a determined smile.  She realizes that this is her lot and rather than complain, she thinks of the little one growing inside and knows that it will all be worth it.  She continues on, does her job, cleans her home, and cooks for her husband.  She retires for the evening with no complaint and prepares to do it all again.  She is somewhat of a saint.

I am not a saint.  Nor will I ever be one.  If there is one thing that I have really got to be honest about it is this: When have I ever  not complained?  Seriously.  I give the play by play and infuse a healthy does of whining.  I'm sitting here thinking that I have gotten exactly what I asked for... only not.  You see I want the pregnancy, I'll even take the weight gain, I just really really really don't want the sickness.  I also think that if I was 20 and somewhat naive about life I would be handling this much better.  I think that I would bounce back better.  When I was 20 I could stay up till 3 am and it would hardly make a difference in my abilities the next day.   But I'm not 20.  I'm 35 and 10 pm is my bedtime, 3 am will likely kill me.  I'm tired and I'm sick and I know that there are drugs out there than can help and why on earth would I not ask for those drugs!!?

I am not gracious and self sacrificing.  I am selfish and nauseous.  My house is a mess and I can't stand to look at the dishes let alone do them.  I'm having second thoughts... or third or fourth thoughts on our kitten.  I'm tired of the mess he makes.  It's not big, but it's there and again, I don't even have the willpower to do the dishes!  I think our basement smells funny and I don't know how to make it stop.  I don't know if it really does or if I'm super sensitive right now and everything smells funny.  I hate the taste of water and milk.  Soda is too sugary.  Juice only sounds good part of the time and only if I don't mix it.  The only food I've been able to make and actually eat is a pasta salad and tomato soup.  If I handle things too long then I think about it and then my stomach turns.  My salvation has been Sonic tater tots and I think I may have pushed it too far yesterday cause even that sounds gross right now.

My husband is my salvation.  He made the menu (I couldn't because nothing sounded good) and he's been cooking.  Fortunately we're just two and one meal will last several days, so really it's only a 2-meal thing.  I have found that if he makes it there's a chance I could eat it and be just fine.  He tells me not to worry about the house.  He says that no one is a good housekeeper when they don't feel good.  He tells me I look beautiful.  He tells me I'm doing fine.  He tells me not to be too hard on myself.  He tells me I'm okay.

See, my salvation.

So dear friends.  I need some advice from you.  You with experience in these matters.

1.  what did you do to help stem the all-day sickness?  Drugs? Spices? Voo-doo?

2.  Cleaning solutions: Tawnya, this one is more for you, didn't you do a vinegar thing that worked really good on floors?  It's random I know, but I desperately need to do a deep clean with no residue on anything.

3.  When in your first trimester of pregnancy how did your house look?

4.  Did you feel like you were going insane?  I kind of feel that way. 

So there you have it.  All out in the open.  No more hiding behind the saint/martyr image in my head.  Declaring my freedom to be who I am with no excuses.

Thank you dear friends.

Thankful for..

1.  Little Caesar's pizza at 9:30 pm.  Felt pretty darn good this morning.
2.  My husband's willingness to cook breakfast... banana pancakes.
3.  4 day weekend for my husband.
4.  The fact that I work at home so I get a 4 day weekend too.
5.  Wonderful family who has invited us for the 4th.
6.  Friends who have so willingly put up with me.
7.  The pitter-patter of kitten feet.
8.  A/C to be installed on Thursday.
9.  Good co-workers who also put up with me.
10. David's Family. I think they are awesome! All of them, extended and everything.
11. Good advice.
12. Good fences.
13. Restaurants so I don't have to cook.
14. Book Club women, past and present... sigh...
15. Life and all that it brings.

I feel a little overwhelmed at so much love and generosity and good feelings that have come our way these last few years.  We'll we've always been blessed but we've been completed overwhelmed as of late.  And Trish, I was so good to see you last Sunday, I was sad to have to leave so early!  It was fun to chat and laugh and enjoy.  One of the many perks of being down South last weekend.

It is time now to move on.  Time to get over the shock of these blessings and become a participating member of society once again.  To reciprocate the support that has been given.  Time to clean the house, really clean the house.  Time to get back into a work routine.  To cook even if I don't feel like it.  Time to be the responsible adult. 

And you know what?  It feels good.  Really good.  I feel like I've got my feet back under me again.  Not so much tossing about with every wind or hormone injection.  So thank you all again for everything.  Here's to a new chapter.