Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Stones That Brought us Together... or not

Did I ever tell you I had kidney stones?  Well, I did.  It was a long time ago and I never care to re-live it.  When I was going through it I honestly thought I was going to die!  My wonderful roommate at the time was kind enough to drive me to the emergency room in the middle of the night to get things taken care of.  I ended up staying in the hospital overnight, leaving for a day or two and then re-checking myself in because of the pain.  Fun experience.  There's much more to be said, but that's really not what this post is about.

This post is about communication.  You see, David and I were dating at the time.  We had had the define the relationship talk and decided that we were exclusive.  Yep, just the two of us together.  Bliss I tell you, bliss!  Then I got kidney stones.  When I was released from the hospital he was so very caring.  So helpful in every way.  I think he even got my pain meds for me.  What a guy huh!  Then I got put back into the hospital.

It was a Sunday and it was miserable.  The doctor had originally thought the stone had passed but the pain was back.  It was agreed that if it didn't pass naturally by the next morning then I would go into surgery.  It was not a fun time.  Here I was alone in a hospital room with no company, no distractions, just me, the iv and my anxiety.  So I did what any woman would do and called my boyfriend!  Yeah, that's it!  What good is a boyfriend if you can't call him in your time of need?  We talked, I told David I was back in the hospital.  He asked if I needed anything.  I said no, and then he had the nerve to believe me!

Couldn't he hear the pleading in my voice even as I told him I was fine?!?  Seriously people.  I was in the hospital!  Is anyone ever fine in the hospital?!  The whole thing screamed NOT fine but he just didn't get it!  I was the strong woman suffering in the hospital too proud to admit the pain and duress I was under.  He was supposed to be the strong man that gallantly comes to my side because he knows that even though I say I'm fine, I'm really not.  He needs to be there to steady me, to give me a shoulder to cry on that I'll never ask for by myself.  He was supposed to sense these things.  Did he just up and miss all those romance movies?

He never did come to visit me in the hospital that Sunday.  I spent a great deal of time trying to deal with the sense of abandonment I felt.  I didn't mention it to him because if there was one thing I would not let myself become it was a whinny woman.  It wasn't until after we were married that we revisited that conversation.  Sure enough he had no idea how I felt that day.  He really did think I was fine.

Isn't it funny how people, especially women expect others to read their minds and then get mad when the expected party wasn't blessed with that super-power.  David and I have learned a great deal about communication.  We still have a ways go to, but we are getting pretty darn good at clarification and explanation after the fact.  That Sunday in the hospital taught me that David does not have mind reading super-powers.  Time has taught me that neither do I.  Now we're smart enough to talk about everything.  We set clear expectations for ourselves and each other.  We talk things out and find our common ground.  Turns out it's a lot easier than trying to read minds.  Who knew! 

ps. Fortunately the stone passed the next morning as the crew was waiting outside my door to take me down and prep me for surgery... whew!


  1. I hear they are worse than labor (never having felt either, I can't verify that...), so you can count it as having the pain and just waiting for the baby now!

  2. I like the "kind enough to drive me to the emergency room in the middle of the night to get things taken care of" part, but to me it was a whole heck of a lot more than that lol. I was FREAKED OUT! And I swear I drove so fast that night!

    I remember they put me in another room while I waited for you. I got home at 3am and had to work at 7am. I loved you more than David lol!!! And I came to visit you that Sunday! I win!!! :)

  3. Brenda, you truly did love me more than David at the time. And I'm soooo glad you took care of me! YOu even took pictures, but I have to admit that I never have looked at them. i still have the cd though. funny huh!

    Tawyna: they were awful! I truly wanted to die. When it finally passed the doctors were shocked because apparently one that large usually never passes without surgery. They said if I made it through that then child birth would be a breeze. So yeah... been there done that where's my kid! :)

  4. i made you a CD of the pictures?! wow, i'm totally hilarious! :)

  5. Seriously, so many reasons you were a great roommate! Things just weren't the same when you left... sigh.

    And age of baby, we're going to hold out for a newborn if possible. At least for the first one. Who knows after that.

  6. Zach and I are still learning to communicate better with each other. We're a month and a week away from our 1st anniversary, and we have both learned soooo much about helping each other understand each other; so much better than mind-reading, which neither of us can do either!
    My word is unctubr - is that what you said when you were feeling the pain of a kidney stone??