Stop Hitting Yourself

Did you ever have someone do that to you as a child?  You know, grab your arm and proceed to hit you with it and have them say "stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself"?  Most of the time it was done all in good fun and was coupled with laughter, sometimes not so much.

Fast forward to adult life.  The time where you put off childish things and be... adultish.  Do you ever feel like you're getting beat down by life.  Like someone has taken you by the arm and is beating you with it.  Like you've been placed in an impossible situation and everyone around you is out to get you?

It's the kind of situation that brings up those inferior high school feelings.  The ones where you want so badly to be a part of the "popular" crowd and still find yourself on the outskirts.  Trying to get in, only to be mocked.  Like they have grabbed your arm and are telling you to "stop hitting yourself" as they repeatedly hit you.  Keeping you down.  Making you grovel.

Then, in the height of self-pity and self-righteousness, have you looked down only to find that there is no one holding your arm?  No one is making you hit yourself?  You really are hitting yourself of your own free will and accord?  Only you are blaming someone else for it.

It's hard to swallow.  The realization that perceived harms really are just perceived.  They aren't real.  That the ill feelings you've been harboring towards someone are unjustified.  That in fact, you may actually owe them  an apology?  Yes my friends, it's a hard pill to swallow.  The way you've been making them walk on eggshells around you.  Coming to find out that they don't feel like they can be themselves around you anymore because they so desperately don't want to offend.  And then you get all offended anyway.

It's hard to recover from that.  It's hard to make amends.  And sometimes, depending on how long it's been going on, it's hard stop feeling that way. 

Isn't it all ridiculous how we women get sometimes?  All dwelling on the emotional and letting it dictate our actions.  Keeping us from feeling free.  Free to love and be loved.  Instead we turn back, remember the hurt, and start wallowing. Justifying our hurt feelings.  Remembering how it started.  Keeping the hurt fresh.  Ignoring the fact that harm was never intended to come to you in the first place.  That it was all a misunderstanding.  That the last who knows how long that you've been harboring these ill feelings was unnecessary.  And what does it get us?  Bitterness.

Bitterness.  Such an attractive quality don't you think?  And remarkably good at getting in the way of our happiness!  Oh, and progress.  Nothing stops our ability to move forward like bitterness.  It helps us harm friendships, hurt spouses, and in general keep ourselves down.  It can disguise itself too.  Bitterness can often be mistaken for self-righteousness or martyrdom.  I find that if I don't call it bitterness then I can live a lot longer in it's grasp.  I can endure the pain and anguish it causes.  I can learn to like it.

It's exhausting at times, but worth it, right?  Right?

**chirp **chirp**

Dang crickets.  Always mocking me.