Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Things will work out, I just can't plan on it

I've spent a lot of time lately reflecting on where I am right now in my life and where I've come from.  In fact this last Sunday I had the opportunity to tell the story of how David and I met to my sister-in-law.  I can't believe she didn't know it.  I thought it was old hat for everyone, but I guess that would be everyone outside of my family.  I just assumed she knew. 

As part of the story I ended up telling a bit about how I got to the point where David could actually be a part of my life without complications.  It's odd how we tend to carry extra baggage around, hating it but afraid to give it up because we find comfort in something we know so well.  Comfort in the hurt of a broken relationship.  Comfort in the familiar feelings of things not working out.  Unfortunately that kind of "comfort" often leads to bitterness and an ugly outlook on life.  Holding on to hurt often stifles our inner light, casting shadows where the Lord is trying to send true comfort.  The kind that doesn't hold back, but instead frees us for something better.

Yesterday I read this post.  I love the way she writes.  If I grow up I want to be like her.  I like her parallel with the sheep refusing something painful that is for their ultimate good.  Then today I read this post by my good friend Rachael.  She's so full of positive energy and confidence in life.  I love it.  I remember being that way.  I want to be that way again.  Confident that whatever is happening is really part of God's plan for  my life.  Confident that even if it's a seemingly bad thing, our life experiences  ultimately lead to greater happiness.

This whole childless situation has really shaken me.  For the longest time I thought that marriage would be the beginning of the rest of my life.  David and I would marry.  After about a year we would have our first child, two years later another one would bless our lives.  We would settle down, our kids would play with our nieces and nephews and all would be well in Zion.  My life did start, it just is not the life I thought it would be.  Oddly enough there are aspects that are surprisingly parallel to things experienced during single life. 

I spent a good chunk of time trying to handle single life with grace.  It was never easy sitting back and watching roommates go out on dates while you sit home bemoaning the fact that you have no life.  Pretty soon you get a grip and create your own Friday night activities.  Then the engagements come.  Best friends are able to take that next step.  Roommates that you don't even like are able to take the next step.  Strangers who are were in the 4th grade while you were a senior in high school are able to take the next step.  Each time sending a painful reminder that you are still very much single. It's hard. 

I eventually got a grip though.  I dated enough to know that I was tired of being hurt.  I didn't want to be played or lied to anymore.  At the same time I didn't want to play or lie to anyone else anymore.  I didn't want to be hurt and I didn't want to do the hurting.  It just wasn't worth it.  That's when David came into the picture.  Interesting how good things come when you least expect it. I was done dating.  If I wasn't genuinely interested then I wouldn't go out with them.  No more pity dates.  No more unsolicited love.  It was face value for me.  No imaginary relationships with real people.  No more wondering what that brief touch of the hand might have meant.  Done.  Plan B: Life Without a Man was well underway.  Then David came and messed it all up.  Delightful huh!

So here I am with life laying out in front of me.  Waiting for a child to bless our lives together, whether through the natural process or adoption, it mattereth not.  But there simply is no guarantee.  Each new announcement sending that painful reminder that others are getting what we want.  But I have a choice.  I can hold on to the hurt and the anger of failure and turn bitter and ugly.  Or I can let it all go.  Let it go and tackle life with grace.  The grace that comes with inner peace.  The grace that comes with turning things over to the Lord and accepting the path that he has laid out for me. 

11 comments:

  1. It's funny how we know what we need--what we should do, how we should feel--but the gap between knowing and actually doing and feeling can be so huge. Recognizing it is big, though, so good for you. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers...

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  2. My heart sank reading that.

    One post I would love to hear you write about is all the ways you've tried to get pregnant. And why you can't get pregnant. Or maybe that is too personal for you...

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  3. Oh, how I love you my friend! You are just the epitome of grace.

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  4. You have such a way of writing that I wish I had. I can't seem to express myself in a way that shows my thoughts. I can totally relate to your life. I too am trying to get that inner peace that we are all seeking. Keep your head up and remember to laugh a little each day, it really does help!

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  5. This is so why I love blogs! Look at all the wonderful support. Thank you all. Fortunately there is a lot to laugh at during the day (some of it not at other's expense!) how's that for grace! heheh. Seriously though, thank you. And Brenda, perhaps someday I will write more about the whole thing, but not quite ready to yet. I will think about it though.

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  6. I know how you feel. I thought life would really begin (including the marriage and children thing) about 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I've only been married 9 months, and a year before that my capabilities to have my #2 dream of a lifetime, my own child, came to a screeching crawl due to some medical issues.

    Thank you, too, for sharing you thoughts about making the best of what you're given. Another hard lesson that I'm constantly trying to learn, clearly not as successfully as I'd like.

    Finally, I had similar feelings prior to meeting Zach; I had decided that I was just out for fun and was going to be myself no matter whom I was with. Not too long after that, he and I met (10/31/08), started dating a few months later (2/14/09), were engaged 5 weeks after that (3/21/09), then married just over three months hence (6/27/09). BOY, when it happened for real, it happened so fast. Zach is my first true relationship, and he will be my last and eternal relationship.

    Thanks for sharing yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your tenderness. You are an amazing woman!

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  7. Lora, I feel your pain for the want and desire to have a child. I know how frustrating it is to get announcements or read announcements on peoples blogs that they are expecting..and half the time they are expecting AGAIN. It does cause a lot of pain. They say everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe and know that the Lord has a plan for each one of us. We just have to trust Him and He will direct our paths! Hold on, hold on! One day you will be blessed for your patience! We love you! Good luck! Letting go is hard to do, but the peace you feel when you have is oh so worth it!

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  8. I completely agree! I can't let it bring me down.... At some point we will get a child (even if I have to steal one ;)jk, and I don't want to spend this time being depressed and frustrated...... That's a lot of wasted time ;) I don't want even a piece of my life to be wasted...

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  9. Occasionally I realize there are a lot of Debbie's in my life! And again thank you all for your support and comments. I love that i have such amazing people in my life! (And Shari, Raising Arizona just popped into my mind! know anyone with quintuplets?)

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  10. Hmmm... Quintuplets, no. But what about that John and Kate Plus 8 (the Gosslins) family? They don't need all those lit' ones ;)

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  11. Yes, think about it. My sister writes about her infertility on her blog and she says it helps so much to have the support :)

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