Things will work out, I just can't plan on it

I've spent a lot of time lately reflecting on where I am right now in my life and where I've come from.  In fact this last Sunday I had the opportunity to tell the story of how David and I met to my sister-in-law.  I can't believe she didn't know it.  I thought it was old hat for everyone, but I guess that would be everyone outside of my family.  I just assumed she knew. 

As part of the story I ended up telling a bit about how I got to the point where David could actually be a part of my life without complications.  It's odd how we tend to carry extra baggage around, hating it but afraid to give it up because we find comfort in something we know so well.  Comfort in the hurt of a broken relationship.  Comfort in the familiar feelings of things not working out.  Unfortunately that kind of "comfort" often leads to bitterness and an ugly outlook on life.  Holding on to hurt often stifles our inner light, casting shadows where the Lord is trying to send true comfort.  The kind that doesn't hold back, but instead frees us for something better.

Yesterday I read this post.  I love the way she writes.  If I grow up I want to be like her.  I like her parallel with the sheep refusing something painful that is for their ultimate good.  Then today I read this post by my good friend Rachael.  She's so full of positive energy and confidence in life.  I love it.  I remember being that way.  I want to be that way again.  Confident that whatever is happening is really part of God's plan for  my life.  Confident that even if it's a seemingly bad thing, our life experiences  ultimately lead to greater happiness.

This whole childless situation has really shaken me.  For the longest time I thought that marriage would be the beginning of the rest of my life.  David and I would marry.  After about a year we would have our first child, two years later another one would bless our lives.  We would settle down, our kids would play with our nieces and nephews and all would be well in Zion.  My life did start, it just is not the life I thought it would be.  Oddly enough there are aspects that are surprisingly parallel to things experienced during single life. 

I spent a good chunk of time trying to handle single life with grace.  It was never easy sitting back and watching roommates go out on dates while you sit home bemoaning the fact that you have no life.  Pretty soon you get a grip and create your own Friday night activities.  Then the engagements come.  Best friends are able to take that next step.  Roommates that you don't even like are able to take the next step.  Strangers who are were in the 4th grade while you were a senior in high school are able to take the next step.  Each time sending a painful reminder that you are still very much single. It's hard. 

I eventually got a grip though.  I dated enough to know that I was tired of being hurt.  I didn't want to be played or lied to anymore.  At the same time I didn't want to play or lie to anyone else anymore.  I didn't want to be hurt and I didn't want to do the hurting.  It just wasn't worth it.  That's when David came into the picture.  Interesting how good things come when you least expect it. I was done dating.  If I wasn't genuinely interested then I wouldn't go out with them.  No more pity dates.  No more unsolicited love.  It was face value for me.  No imaginary relationships with real people.  No more wondering what that brief touch of the hand might have meant.  Done.  Plan B: Life Without a Man was well underway.  Then David came and messed it all up.  Delightful huh!

So here I am with life laying out in front of me.  Waiting for a child to bless our lives together, whether through the natural process or adoption, it mattereth not.  But there simply is no guarantee.  Each new announcement sending that painful reminder that others are getting what we want.  But I have a choice.  I can hold on to the hurt and the anger of failure and turn bitter and ugly.  Or I can let it all go.  Let it go and tackle life with grace.  The grace that comes with inner peace.  The grace that comes with turning things over to the Lord and accepting the path that he has laid out for me.