Saturday, April 10, 2010

What dreams...

I had a dream last night.  One of those very real feeling ones that leave you with a bit of longing.  I dreamed that David and I were at a fairly nice restaurant having dinner.  People were milling about and another couple came up and said hello to us.  We responded in kind and then I put my hand down on my belly and there was a distinct baby bump.  Not huge, just beginning.  In the dream I knew then that I really was pregnant.  I just couldn't help pressing down on that part of my belly that didn't give like it does now.  For a brief dream moment I think I may have some understanding of why some pregnant women are always touching their bellies.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions because it was just a dream.  I hope it doesn't make anyone feel weird or awkward to read about this either.  The dream was actually kind of sweet.  I didn't wake up thinking "Oh the cruelty of it all!!" and shake my fist at the heavens.  I didn't feel downhearted, I just wanted closed my eyes for a little bit longer to enjoy the moment even it if wasn't real.  I sometimes think that the Lord gives me dreams sometimes so that I can experience a small bit of something that I may not actually get to fully experience in this life.  A kind of tender mercy in itself.

Then I thought of our birth mom, whoever she might be.  I wonder what kind of things she is going through right now.  I have a friend who recently placed her baby with a couple on the east coast.  She hid her whole pregnancy very well.  It was unexpected and the father didn't want anything to do with the baby.  Unfortunately they were forced to sit in meetings together and plan activities.  My heart went out to her then and it still goes out to her now.  Before she placed her baby she felt the child she carried had ruined her life.  She wanted nothing to do with in either. 

She had a close friend who helped her through the LDS Family Services process and basically made a lot of the decisions for her since she was so angry about the baby in the first place.  I can't be sure, but I think that she just wanted to get it over with and the child out of her life.  She seemed to be running away from the reality of it all.

She had a boy.  He came a couple of days early and instead of placing him with the couple at the hospital as planned, she got to take care of him for two days while the adoptive couple arranged flights.  She was completely un-prepared for the love and bond she felt for this little boy.  Her little miracle.  She continued with placement though.  She was brave.  And to that family on the east coast she was a miracle worker.

My friend went through a hard time but she is back on her feet, a changed woman.  As odd as this sounds, I think her situation gave her more direction in life that she has ever had before.  She has thought more deeply about what this whole experience called life means.  She has thought more deeply about where she wants to be rather than floating along wherever the current may take her.

If our birth mom is out there, possibly even reading this, I want to shed a tear for you, not out of pity.  I can never fully understand your situation, but I wish I could know who you are.  I wonder how much we would have in common.  I wonder if we could even be friends.

Lots of thoughts started by one dream.


  1. It's interesting how these dreams are some of the best ones.... your filled with such peace that it truly helps.

    I think adoption is the most selfless thing a mother (who can't provide for her child) can give her little one.... It's so hard for them to give the children up, but look at how many lives are blessed by their decision...