Christmas... gone?

I feel a bit torn this time of year.  I have so completely and thoroughly enjoyed this Christmas season that I can hardly believe it's coming to an end.  So much so that I might be fighting it just a little bit.

I understand the reclaiming of the living room, the getting back to usual and comfortable routines.  The getting back to "normal".  This year though, I'm not so sure I want "normal" back yet.

Did you know that the United States is about one of the only places that ties the Christmas season with the shopping season?  It's true.  In countries throughout the world the 12 Days of Christmas actually start on Christmas Day.  The celebration lasts till January 5th or 6th depending on when you choose to end it.  You can check out your friendly Wikipedia page under "12 Days of Christmas" for all the details.  It's a bit baffling but I find that I really like the principle.  It may be because I didn't get all the people visited that I wanted to.  Or the fact that my Christmas card ambition that started in October didn't come full circle and actually get delivered.  But mostly it's because I'm just not ready for all of the Christmas songs to go away.  I'm not ready for the lights to come down and be plunged unceremoniously into the January blahs.  I want to keep the lights that break up these dark days.  I want to continue to feel that "Christmas Spirit" that goes away all too quickly.

So yeah.  I'm the crazy person that will keep the tree up until sometime in January.  You will continue to hear Christmas songs on my playlist, though not as many.  I will still have Christmas on my mind, whether sharing the stories of this year or planning for the Christmas Season of next year.  And for the record, I'm going to try really hard next year not to let the commercialism of the shopping season determine how I will celebrate the birth of our Savior.

May peace on earth, good will to men last a little longer this coming year.

"Twas the Night Before Christmas and...

I have no idea what to do!

For the first time in 36 years I do not have a pre-planned Christmas Eve.  David and I usually find ourselves with family, but since Christmas is on Sunday and we are a definite part of the Sunday program... well.  Just doesn't make sense to go anywhere till after the program. 

It's odd.  I have been looking forward to this time of our lives so much and now I find myself at a complete loss! What to do on Christmas Eve.

So.  What do you do?  Fun family traditions?  Non-traditions?

I'm considering options but I really don't want it to be a "stay at home and clean the house" type of Saturday.  I want something special, just not quite sure what will fit the niche.

Needless to say, your suggestions are more than welcome.

In all the earth is growing...

I love Christmas.  I love the feelings of warmth and joy that surround the season.  I love the tree and the lights and the songs and decor.  I love the white blanket of snow that covers up the "dead" of Fall.  I love that people are doing things for each other.  I love that it's a bit easier for each of us to feel a little less selfish and look out for the needs of others.  I love that we try to find ways to surprise the ones we love with the perfect gift.

At the same time it does get a little stressful.  The perfect gift is often quite hard to find and sometimes never makes itself known.  It's easy to fall into the trap of commercialism and think that maybe the simple Christmas that you have planned this year is kind of stupid.  That you should budget more or throw caution to the wind and stop worrying about how much to spend.  And then...

You stop.  Remember your goals.  Remember why the good feelings that come with Christmas are actually there.  In sacrament meeting today we sang "With Wondering Awe" for the closing hymn.  It's one of my favorites.  "With wond'ring awe the wise men saw The star in heaven springing, and with delight, in peaceful night, They heard the angels singing: Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna to his name!"  I know that Christ is the reason for the season.  It is Him that makes this time of year so special. 

I have the privilege of leading the music in sacrament meeting every Sunday and I have really come to love it.  I have paid more attention to the words of the songs that ever before in my life.  I try to add expression to the words and feel in my heart what it coming out of my mouth.  "By light of star they traveled far To seek the lowly manger, A humble bed wherein was laid The wondrous little Stranger."  "The heav'nly star its rays afar On every land is throwing, And shall not cease till holy peace In all the earth is growing.  Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna to his name!"

The message of Christ, His birth, His life, His death, His resurrection, is the light of that star.  Every year we get that reminder and it "shall not cease till holy peace in all the earth is growing."

This year we will have a simple Christmas.  We'll enjoy the lights and the music.  We'll give small gifts of love.  We'll skip the debt, the shopping mania and the stress.  We'll enjoy the company of family and friends and thank God for the gift of this season, the gift of good friends, the gift of forever families.  And most importantly we'll thank Him for the gift of His Son.

Blessings

I woke up this morning next to the man I love (that would be my husband in case anyone is wondering) and couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the blessings that are a part of my life.

To start out with, have I mentioned how much I just love my in-laws?  Well it's true.  This Thanksgiving was held at our house.  Usually we are at either my parents or David's parents, but it was a little different this year.  We hosted it at our house and invited my in-laws and my parents.  Ten adults were in our not so large house and the Thanksgiving feast fell to me.

I admit, at first I was a bit nervous but as assignments were made and the cooking was well underway I only semi fell apart a couple of times.  Once was with the pies.  Banana cream to be exact.  First round (fortunately made on Wednesday), the crust decided to not cooperate and balloon up behind my back.  Couldn't fill them if I wanted to.  After a terse round of choice words, I sent my sister to the store to buy some frozen crusts.  They baked up wonderfully so I made the filling.  That wonderful home made banana cream pie filling which I have made several times before and has always turned out so very tasty and perfect and wonderful and this time decided not to set up... not even a little.  We had banana cream soup.  Tasty banana cream soup, but soup nonetheless.

Second almost tragedy was the yams.  When doing a large amount of yams in the crock pot it is best to start them cooking several days before.  Okay. Slight exaggeration.  However, when the turkey was done and we were getting the last of the food all prepared, the yams were as hard as ever.  Thanks to the genius of people who can think with a more level head than my pregnant self right now, into the microwave they went and turned out beautifully!

So, dinner was on the table a full 15 minutes before we had planned and it went beautifully!  And my mother's mashed potatoes were so creamy. We all talked and laughed and laughed and talked and just enjoyed the day.  And then my wonderful wonderful father-in-law did the best thing ever!  He did the dishes!  I mean it! How cool is that!  The rest of the evening was spend playing games and laughing and talking, eating pie and enjoying each other's company.  I was thrilled.  Thrilled to have everyone there, thankful to hear people talking, and just overjoyed that my parents enjoyed it as much as everyone else seemed to.

Friday brought on a breakfast of Dutch pancakes and bacon and then a loading of the car as people traveled back home.  David, Abby (my sister who is living with us now) and I then pretended to clean things up but really didn't.  Sat in our pajamas, watched three movies, played board games, ate leftovers and stayed in pajamas the entire day! The most glorious Black Friday ever.

So today I am here.  Overwhelmed a bit with thankfulness for all the wonderful people in my life.  For my family on both sides.  Both sides of which I just absolutely love.  Words almost cannot express how much.  Thankful for my home, for our neighbors, our ward family, our friends.  Thankful for the incredible women of book club and the joy and laughter they bring to my life.  Thankful for my friends at work and the support they are to me.  Thankful for the bestest husband ever who makes me laugh and understands me when I go crazy.  Who loves me.  Thankful for the little guy that will be a part of our lives even more in February.  Thankful for doctors who know what they are doing.  Thankful for God.  For his blessings, his tender mercies, his hand in all parts of our lives.

Today we will decorate for Christmas.  Get a tree, put up lights, and start making our own magic of the season.  That magic that comes because of this special time of year.  When we think of others and how we can give to them.  When it is a little easier to follow the teachings of Christ and put the needs of others before our own.  To celebrate his birth and the miracle of his life. He is the reason for the season.

Ok, I'm back...

... literally.

This happened a few weeks ago, but it really does need to be blogged about.  So I hopped in my car to go to work and noticed that with the cooling of the weather my tires really needed a boost of air.  So I stopped at the Chevron because they let you use their air pump for free.  I was dressed in a sweater and scarf and gloves as I bent down to check the tire pressure and fill them up accordingly.  It was at this moment that I realized that bending down for long periods of time are not fun in my current pregnant state.  In fact, I was unable to really bend and ended up squatting, all legs out and butt bigger than life type of squat.  And still I struggled.  One of the hoses didn't work so I had to change in the middle and over all the quick stop to fill up the tires ended up taking a ridiculous amount of time.  I wasn't worried though cause there weren't many people around.... at least I thought.  It was after I got up from the last tire all red faced and big butt squatted out that I noticed the car to my right.  The one that hadn't moved for a while.  The one that had a male driver in it patiently waiting for his turn at the air pump.  The one that witnessed my whole show of big butt squattedness.  I couldn't even pretend that there was any kind of view to admire.  There was no delicate super-model bending over.  Just large and in charge.

Two thoughts:  "Oi" and "Dude, what kind of a person are you to watch a pregnant woman struggle while you sit in your car!"  Chivalry just might be dead my  friends.

Constant Vigilance!!

Let's talk about some things that I have learned during this whole pregnancy experience.  Things that many many many of you already know, but since this is my first time and I'm fairly fascinated by everything... well, you're just gonna have to bear with me.

1.  I think it's the coolest thing since sliced bread when my little guys starts moving around.  I am almost spellbound at times.  I'm pretty sure it's the single most cool thing about pregnancy.  The weight gain, sickness, sleeplessness, etc.  Yeah.  I can do without those.  But movement.  That's just cool.

2.  Speaking of sickness.  I have learned that no matter how good you think you feel, don't stop taking that little yellow pill that really does help whether you think so or not.  You see, yesterday I got all busy and spacey and forgot to take said pill at all.  Usually I take two.  Yesterday I took none.  This morning I paid the price.  Rather than the busy and fruitful plan A day, it's turned into a plan B day which is take it easy and stay close to the bathroom.  Yes my friends, the yellow pill really does work.  Constant vigilance.

3.  A baby belly is liberating and should be enjoyed... at least for awhile.  As I went to the gym that one time last week, I looked around at all the skinny little things there working out and for once I didn't feel less than.  Sure you may be tanned and toned and fit and skinny... but I have a baby!  Booyeah! (Okay, I have no idea how to spell it but that's the feeling.)  I can be proud of my belly instead of hiding it from prying eyes.  It's quite nice to hit that point of "obviously pregnant" instead of "is it just me or does she seriously need to lay off the fried foods".

4.  Not all French Fries are created equal.  Sometimes I crave them.  In order to save some money we purchased a bag of frozen French fries.  I am here to tell you that unless you plan on deep frying those babies (which we never do) then it's a waste of time. Always go for the real deal.  Center Street Grill has some good fries by the way.  So does the Marketplace on campus.  Oh how I love meeting days when I get fed at work.

I'm sure if I thought about it there would be more profound lessons and such, but let's face it, you're lucky to have gotten this at all!  Apparently the porcelain gods have a way of focusing my attention.  Here's to plan B my friends, may your day be spectacular!

Stream of Conciousness

I can't put things together in my head.  I sit down to write and well... it's not pretty.  Nothing comes together.  So today you get random.  It's all I can give.

1.  I was introduced to Twizlberry yesterday and I'm pretty sure the baby is going to be craving it a lot.

2.  It's my job to take care of my baby so I really can't deny him can I.

3.  I love people who set a good example, especially in leadership positions... like those who are leading the youth, particularly the young women.  (more on that later if I can concentrate long enough to put things into words.)

4.  I went to the gym today.

5.  I did not die.

6.  Of course I didn't try very hard and I read a book the entire time.

7.  I really enjoyed it.  I might even try again sometime.

8.  This week has been all over the place.  Mostly because my dad has been in the hospital.

9.  The last three days turned out to be for nothing which kind of stinks because he was going a bit stir crazy.

10. However kudos to Logan Regional because they took the last three days off the bill.  I think that's pretty cool myself.

11.  Yesterday we had a pizza party in my dad's room and my brother and his "clan" came and we ended up having a rather rowdy bout of  surgical glove balloon volleyball.

12.  And my nephew kept hitting the call button for the nurse.

13.  I'm not sure what the hospital staff thought of all of us, but we still had fun.

14.  11 people in a hospital room is rather crowded.

15.  Dad is doing okay though. Has an appointment in Ogden on Monday with a heart rhythm specialist.  That's good news.

16.  I like potatoes.

17.  It's a good things cause I get them for free.

18.  I wonder if the baby will like chocolate when he's out of the womb cause I don't think he likes it now.

19.  Did I mention Twizlberry?

20.  Would it be bad to have that and only that for lunch?

21.  I did go to the gym after all.

Have a lovely weekend ya'll.  Perhaps you'll even hear from me again before another two weeks goes by!

Catching Up: The Montana Days

Okay, so like forever ago, or really the weekend of Sept 25, 2011, David and I skipped town and headed to Bozeman Montana to spend time with my brother Eli and his family.  They were so good to put us up for the weekend and let us intrude on their space.  It was really fun though.  Filled with late nights, lots of  laughter, games, a quick tour of downtown Bozeman (most everything closed at 5 pm on Saturday! We were more than a little surprised) and a trip to the lake.  I honestly can't remember what the lake was called and I'm totally blaming it on pregnancy brain. It was fun though.  So for your enjoyment:

Axel just could not stay away from floating things and dirt.

David and I in all our glory.

Eli, looking cool as ever.

Velvet and Axel, Eli and Grady.  The fam.

My husband showing of his rugged handsomeness mixed with a healthy dose of cheese.

Did I ever mention he cannot go by a body of water without skipping rocks... no?  Well it's true.  He was the expert, right up until he fell over a rock and landed on is backside that is.  Classic.

I have no idea what they are looking at but it must be good.

Grady and Velvet.

All in all it was a fun time and a much needed break from the Logan that I love.

Some Things

1.  I have discovered where the smell is coming from that makes me hate my basement.  It's coming from the laundry room.  I don't know what's causing it yet, but the door was shut for awhile and blocked by a towel and I found I that the smell has dissipated and I didn't want to gag when going into the basement.  When I opened to door to do the laundry I almost fell over with the power of the smell.  So good news is that I can shut the door and enjoy the basement, bad news is that I still have to do laundry!  Oh the horror.

2.  I went to a seminar yesterday.  The key phrase there is that "I went".  That in itself is an accomplishment.  I got out of the house and actually did something!  My outlook thanks me and I'm sure my paycheck will too.

3.  But really, about the seminar.  It was good.  It was inspiring.  It was a motivational seminar designed to not make our work better but to make us better as people in all aspects of our lives.  If we are better people then better work will  naturally follow.  It was filled with phrases like "Humility is the pathway to power"; "Insight changes eyesight", "Our life follows our language" and my favorite "I am a human becoming not a human being".  It was good food for thought.  Glad I went.

4.  With the discovery of the origins of the "bad smell" I might just end up moving my office back down stairs.  I really should put quotes around "office" because it's kind of a joke. It's just the laptop.  I wouldn't mind my ergonomically correct office chair back though.  So much better than a stool.

5.  I crafted.  Crazy huh.  I haven't felt like doing that in months!  But I started and I enjoyed it!  I made a wreath for the front door, Fall signs to hang from my banister and a pretty good start on Christmas cards.  I figure when you're in the zone just keep going.  It felt good, but now I have to clean up the mess it made on the kitchen table.  Sadly I don't seem to be discovering a "zone" for that yet.

May your day be lovely.

Rebellion and all it's Gloriousness: The Teenage Years

I've been thinking a lot lately about my teenage rebellion years.  Well really teenagers in general.  There are so many things to worry about especially when you are a parent to said teenager.  I know several people who are struggling to deal with their troubled teen and are experiencing the frustrations of watching them make wrong or stupid decisions.  They are worried about the path they might be on.  They are worried that their child will make some of the same mistakes that they did while growing up.

My heart goes out to those parents.  I want to speak calm and peace to their souls.  I want to help them see the good parents they are and give them some rest.  But I don't have children.  I don't have a troubled teen.  Right now I just have the prospects of this little guy or gal fluttering around inside of me.  But I have been paying attention.

I paid attention to what my mom said when she needed a sounding board that wasn't my father.  I listened as she discovered things that she would have done differently in raising her older children versus her younger ones.  I come from a family of 7 kids and I'm the second one in.  My youngest brother is 14 years younger than me.  My parents learned a lot in that time span about agency and picking your battles.  Things that they wish they had of known with me and my older brother.  So a couple of days ago I called my mother for a refresher course in teenagers.  I want to share them with you in hopes that something will help and in hopes that approximately 13-14 years from now I can remember them when I'm in the midst of my own teenager's angst.

First let's talk about Rebellion.  The big scary word that everyone is afraid that their teenager will experience.  We tremble with fear not knowing when it will hit.  Not knowing how we're going to deal with it.  So let's try to put it in perspective.  There was a fireside given in my home stake that my mother attended dealing specifically with teenagers.  The speaker (whom I think is Brother Barrett of the Logan LDS Institute and is a very dear person to me and has helped me through a lot) said that teenage rebellion is a glorious time!  An exciting time. What!! you say? A glorious time!  Isn't that the opposite of what we want?!

It is a glorious and exciting time because your children are starting to ask the questions that they know the answers to.  I couldn't help but think of primary.  The 11-year-olds specifically.  In Primary they are the top dogs.  They have heard every lesson and they have the "Sunday school" answers down pat.  They know it all and some have a tendency to roll their eyes when asked to participate in lessons.  (This is a huge generality but I have seen entire classes afflicted with the eye-rolling disease, so it is out there, but forgive me if your child doesn't fit the category.)  And they do know the answers... intellectually.  But a lot of the times they haven't experienced the question yet.  Not for real.  They know the answers but they don't know the power of those answers in their own lives yet.

That's what teenagehood is for.  This is the time when they start asking the questions that they know the answers to.  They start finding out for themselves whether prayer is important or not.  Scripture study, taking the sacrament, going to church.  They start figuring out where they want to stand. And best of all, they are doing it in the safety of your home!  That's right folks.  At the end of the day they are still under your roof.  They have that safety net of a loving and concerned family to come home to and the stability that it provides.  They still have to borrow your car, they still have to get permission from you.  And they still have to abide by the rules, you know, the "as long as your under our roof" rules.  In fact, this speaker stated that it's the seemingly "straight arrows" that sometimes scare him the most.  They do everything perfect but have never questioned why or developed the solid foundation of their own personal testimony.  When their rebellious stage, or time of questioning hits then they have a lot more to lose with more serious consequences, like failed marriages or jail time.  Again a huge generality but put in perspective I would rather have my teenager do a little rebellious time under my roof than out where I have no safety net for them anymore. 

So, what can parents do to provide the most teenage friendly atmosphere for them to rebel in?  Well here's the wisdom that my mother's hind sight provides us with. It's not perfect but it's more than I had to go on before.

First: Establish the rules.  This is best done in a family council where all participants have a say and therefore buy in. It is also important that the family council is a safe place, not the time to get uptight about everything, but where everyone can express their opinions without fear of retribution. It is especially important for your teenager to feel they are being heard, that they have a voice.  At the same time you can express your concerns and fears as well.  As an extra added bonus, this also takes the "bad guy" tag off of you!

Second: Set consequences for breaking the rules.  Make sure that these are things you can live with since you are the enforcer in this matter. And if you are establishing curfews I recommend a phone call option.  If the kid knows he's going to be late then call and give mom and dad a heads up rather than leaving you to stew at home wondering whether they are dead on the side of the road and when it's appropriate to call the police.  Also, don't come down hard on everything.  Let the punishment fit the crime. If it's a little thing then don't come down with everything you got in order the "squelch" the rebellion right out of him.  My parents did that on my little brother only to find out that he figured since he was gonna get in big trouble for everything he might as well do something really bad to make the experience worth the punishment.

Third: Find ways to make sure your kids know they are loved.  With my younger brothers especially my mom started insisting on a hug every night.  It was cool when they were little but the older they got the more eye-rolls and "you gotta be kidding me's" came into play.  They balked.  But do you know what?  They didn't really think it was that bad.  Would never admit it, but I could see it in their eyes right after they rolled them.  She would hug them and tell them she loved them and goodnight and despite everything there was a little more light in their eyes.  Usually accompanied by more muttering and a muffled goodnight back and some kind of manly grunt.  It is part of the safety net.  Teenagers especially need that reaffirmation that they are loved because so much around them tells them they are not.  And quite a bit of the time you'll really not feel like telling them, and they'll really do nothing to deserve it.  But that doesn't change the fact it is needed desperately.

Fourth: Don't be afraid of your teenager.  Don't be afraid they won't like you or don't want to be your friend.  It's okay.  You are the parent and bottom line is that you love them and deep down they love you.  Hold on to that.  You might not get affirmation of that love for a long long time, so hold on to those memories when they were little and did express it.  You will hear it again.  Just be that solid foundation for them when they need it. 

Fifth: Strengthen yourself.  Make sure that you are doing the things that you are supposed to be doing.  Set that example.  Do your best to live how you want your children to live when they grow up.

Sixth:  Have Faith. "Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision" - Neil L. Andersen.  Have faith in God.  Have faith in the example you are setting.  Many of you out there are worried, almost paralyzed with fear at times that your children will follow in your footsteps making the same mistakes that you did in high school.  Please realize that your children see you as you are today.  Not the person you were in High School.  Please realize that you are providing your children with a much different experience growing up than you had.  Many of you come from broken homes and inactive families.  What environment are your children growing up in?  Is it the same?  Have you learned from your past?

Seventh and last but not least: Give yourself a break!  Be merciful with yourself.  Forgive yourself.  Cut yourself some slack!  This is your first time raising this particular child.  And this is the first time he/she will be a teenager!  You are both figuring things out and you are both making mistakes.  God knows that and he is absolutely incredible at putting things in your life to help you both out.  His mercy will help. His grace will compensate.  He cares about what happens to both of you.  Will it all be perfect?  Absolutely not.  Will there be heartache?  You bet!  Will you wonder what you could have done better?  Absolutely.  Did you do your best anyways?  Of course.  Of course you did, and of course you still are.  The Lord knows that.  He will help.

Okay.  There it is.  There's my blah blah blah on things that I will have to deal with in the future.  I hope some of it helps.  I hope you parents can go a little more easy on yourselves.

One more thing.  As I was talking to my mom a few things occurred to me. I did not have the best high school experience.  There was a time when I was grounded for pretty much the entire year.  I would get off of groundation just long enough to break the rules again and get grounded again.  I was a mess and a bundle of joy to live with, let me tell ya.  As I look back I realized that even though I knew the consequences of my actions, absolutely nothing was going to stop me from breaking the rules.  No amount of punishment would do the trick. It's like I had this need to see if I could get away with it.  The hammer always came down and I was never surprised.  My parents were frustrated beyond belief and we didn't exactly get along.  But still, nothing was going to keep me from breaking those rules until one day.  I realized that I was tired of fighting with my parents.  I realized that I wasn't happy and that I didn't want to live like this anymore.  I realized that something needed to change and I took action and made those changes.  What I'm trying to say is that no amount of lecturing or nagging or anything was going to make a difference until I saw for myself the need to change.  It was something I felt.  It wasn't like a lecture had finally set it, it was that I had finally asked the right question and then the answers that I learned in Primary had meaning.  I wanted to be happy again and I knew how to do it.

Provide that solid foundation, be the safety net, establish the rules and love your children.  You are wonderful!  You are doing something marvelous and worthy of praise.  You are being parents.

Don't Worry, I can Blackmail Myself! Part 4

It's been awhile since I have written anything truly embarrassing about myself.  So why not revive that genre of my writing and really go all in.

I woke up this morning with songs from Information Society in my head.  It brought back many memories so I got on ITunes and bought the album for a trip down memory road.  While I was listening to one song in particular it brought me right back to a Junior High/ High School crush and potato harvest.  Odd combination I know, but have you met me?  Enough said.

So.  This boy, who shall remain nameless, was a year older than me in high school and didn't know I existed outside of Jarom's little sister.  You see he was friends with my brother.  He had many.  I thought they were so cool.  And hence my crush.  Well in Junior High, which explains some of it, I expressed my secret love by making a picture.  It was a full sheet of pink and red hearts with a large heart in the center with this boy's name in the middle.  I was not stupid enough to have it at school with me, so I taped it to the back of my bedroom door... a place of honor.  Later this door was to house posters of Brett Michaels, Sebastian Bach, and a plethora of other bands.  But not in Junior High.

I thought I was safe in my unknown crush.  I don't think I told a single friend about it.  But alas, the fates conspired against me.  Imagine my surprise when one day my brother had this particular friend over and I found this guy walking out of MY ROOM!  There's no way he missed my awesome hearted junior high crushing expression of puppy love.  I wanted to die right there on the spot.  I don't even know what I did after that.  I don't know what he said or did, I just wanted to die.

From then on I knew I could never even hope of him giving me the time of day.  Though that didn't stop the crush.  Information Society was one of the tapes we listened to over and over during potato harvest.  Anytime "Repetition" came on it reminded me of my crush... the one I still had.  The one that was accompanied by feelings of humiliation.  It really makes no sense... now that I think about it this all explains a lot about my high school experience.  Huh.

Enjoy.

It's Just Not Fair!

There's a significant amount of whining in that title.

You know how I said I was over the morning sickness?  And that I felt better?  And that life was on the up and up?

Scratch that.  That "flu" turns out to be morning sickness back with a vengeance!  I got sick again yesterday and spent all day trying to keep something down.  At the end of the day I found that chicken enchiladas are definitely NOT anything I want coming up again.  I went to bed about 11:30 after an exhausting day and woke up again at 2:30 to more stomach pains and trips to the bathroom.  Back to bed, up at 3, 3:45, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...   David called the doctor and we got an appointment early this morning.

Verdict.  This is not the flu.  This is me.  This is my second trimester, the honeymoon of pregnancy that I apparently don't get to experience.  I now have stronger (hopefully) medication and orders to stay hydrated 1 teaspoon of Gatorade at a time.  Since getting pregnant I have lost 10 pounds.  I kind of wish that I felt that were a plus, but right now I just feel miserable.

On the positive side I have accepted my fate.  I no longer fight it the way I did during the first trimester as it was all coming down.  The change, the life-never-being-the-same-again, the inability to work.  Now I am just accepting it. Doing what I can.  Messy house and all.  There are a few good days in the mix.  Sunday was wonderful.  Went to church the whole time, made dinner, went on walk and enjoyed the day.  That's why Monday morning was so dang discouraging, maddening, frustrating!  After today though I can either fight it or go with the flow so to speak.  It's going to beat me either way so I might as well go with it.  My paycheck is seriously suffering though.  Sigh.

So there's me.  Here I am once again.  No real way to plan things because I have no idea if I'm ever going to feel good on any certain day.  I'm so glad I felt good for Def Leppard though.  Perhaps that was one of the Lord's tender mercies.

Wish me luck my friends, wish me luck.... oh and if I should answer the door looking like death warmed over... don't judge me.  Thanks.

Sometimes ya just gotta

So.  My husband is awesome.  He's smart, he's witty, he's loving, he's kind.  But for some reason all of his smarts and learning and random fact giving are not enough to make up for a few simple things.  Like the making of Jello.  This is not the first Jello incident where I've wondered about my husbands IQ, but this is certainly the most entertaining.  In fact I laughed out loud when I saw the results.

You see, yesterday was rotten, absolutely rotten.  Apparently there's a bug going around and I got it bad...BAD.  I was visiting the porcelain gods yesterday roughly every 15-20 minutes whether there was something "in there" or not.  This did not stop till roughly 11:30 last night and I'm sure that was due to sheer exhaustion.

This morning I laid in bed not daring to move and was dying of thirst.  David was getting ready for work and I asked him to make some apple juice and some Jello before he left.  I figured those would both be easy on the stomach as well as provide some nourishment and wonderful blessed moisture.  So with the Jello I told him to add the ice instead of water as it would set faster.  He did it, I thanked him profusely and he was on his way to work.

When I finally dared to drag myself out of bed at 11:30 this morning, I checked on the Jello and just laughed. 

You see instead of stirring the ice cubes until they melted, he just threw them in and stuck it in the fridge.

It is especially good viewing it from the bottom.

I poured the excess water off and jigglers will have to do.

Did I mention I love this man!  I do.  May not be the best Jello but it was sure a needed laugh this morning.

Welcome Back

Welcome back my long lost September days when the nights cool off and the feeling of Fall in all it's gloriousness is just around the corner.

Welcome back smelly Bath and Body Works lotions.  I'm so very glad that you no longer make me gag.

Welcome back high school music and the memories and excitement.  This was specifically brought to me by Def Leppard and the best concert I've attended in a very long time.  Thank you Def Leppard for still being talented.  Thank you for not disappointing.  Thank you for happy memories and for giving my husband a newer appreciation for your awesomeness.

Welcome back food and all your flavors.  I know, it's still early and I still have a beef with beef (ha!) but oh Alfredo sauce how I've missed you.  And variety, you couldn't have come at a better time.  Nothing against ramen and pot pies but...

Welcome back ice cream.  I know we still have a tentative relationship but my foray into the arms of an ooey gooey caramel and brownie DQ blizzard truly brought joy to not only my taste buds but my heart as well.  I hope that we are not parted for so long again.

Welcome back energy.  I know there will be days when you escape me once again, but I'm so glad to get a glimpse of what you once were in my life.  I promise to try to not waste you or take you for granted again.

Welcome back hope for the future and the excitement that accompanies you.  It's been awhile, I'm glad to see you again.

Anything back in your life?

As the World Turns

I used to think that the scientists had it right.  The Earth was spinning on an axis of sorts keeping the delicate balance up that keeps most of us from burning or freezing.  Natural disasters, global warming and all that jazz aside of course.

This past month has taught me something entirely different.  My world revolves around my couch!  The couch is what is keeping the delicate balance of my life.  It's proximity to the bathroom, the tv remote, and various items of food.  Okay, well not so various.  August has brought to my delicate palate Chicken Pot Pies, Chicken Ramen Noodles, Pringles Salt and Vinegar chips, and three kinds of cereal.  Sometimes the pot pie is for lunch and the ramen for dinner, sometimes I get wild and crazy and switch it up.  I know, hold me back!  But that's not what this is about.

So what is this about?  Well I'll tell ya.  As I've been wallowing in despair, depression, morning/all-day sickness, and finding a will to live, I've learned a few things. 

1.  Good friends are absolutely invaluable.  Especially when you've dropped off the face of the communication earth and they still love and support you.

2.  It's okay if you have to take something to get through the day.  I've struggled with depression before but have always been able to keep it at bay with regular exercise and a good daily routine.  Pregnancy changed that.  And that's okay.  Modern medicine is a good thing.  So are therapists.  So are conference talks online and inspirational music.  Things are really looking up.

3.  I am most definitely not the only one who struggles right now.  My struggle is dealing with something that will ultimately fulfill everything that I have really wanted.  To be a mom. I have a reward at the end.  So many others are struggling right now with no end in sight.  Family, friends, perfect strangers.  In my self-wallowing pity party (which was completely justified, acceptable, and often beyond my control to stop by the way) I haven't seen much past me.  Now, as the dark cloud over my head has been lifting, I am seeing so much more.  So many who need a helping hand and support and love.  To know that they are OK and wonderful, marvelous, incredible people.  To have someone tell them that it's going to be OK.  That even though they can't see a way out right now, it's still there.  The clouds will lift.  There will be happiness again.

My husband did that for me.  My friends did that for me.  My family did that for me.  Angels come in so many forms.  So to you all, and you know who you are, Thank You.  A long overdue thank you.

And now to go forward.  I've had a few really good days.  I won't be so naive as to think that the bad ones are over forever.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel.  There is hope.  There is joy.

Let me sum up

There are some things that I want to talk about.  Random things.  They don't go together.  They probably don't even make sense.  But that's okay, my brain has been compromised.

1.  First.  Let's talk about how awesome my husband is.  He's awesome.  He's wonderful.  He's trying to finish the bathroom.  He's getting ready for Scout Camp.  He's cooking me breakfast.  He's working full time.  He's doing the grocery shopping. And he's cleaning the bathrooms.  He's a saint.  No other word for it.

2.  I am spending a sad sad sad amount of time trying to feel better.  Something strange has happened with this whole thing.  I'm still feeling pretty mediocre during the day, but between 6 & 7 pm I start to feel really really really awful.  Like wishing for death.  Like wondering why the medication has stopped working.  I sit on the couch not daring to move because if I do I start to heave.  With or without medicine I have been having an evening visit with the porcelain gods. This has me seriously concerned about Book Club this coming week.

3.  Wednesday I went to Girl's Camp.  I was the special speaker and I was so stinkin' nervous!  But do you know what?  I turned out great!  Marvelous!  Just what I needed.  I love that the Lord compensates for my inadequacies and nervousness.  Simply marvelous.  I found myself awash in Girls' camp memories from back in the day and wished that I could just stay up there with them.  I was exceptionally jealous of the leaders who looked to be having a marvelous time.  Someday perhaps I will have that opportunity again.

4.  I actually cleaned the house today.  Crazy huh!!  Dishes, vacuuming, mopping, laundry.  Done.  Feels great.

The end.  For now.

I Want...

Yesterday I had meetings at work.  I was headed up a bit early so I could be good and prepared but then something happened.  I look up into the mouth of the canyon and it called to me.  I made all the wrong turns to get to work and headed for Logan Canyon instead.  I haven't been up the canyon at all this year and I didn't know how much I missed it.  I rolled down the windows, turned off the radio and took a drive.

It brought back so many memories.  There was a time when I spent at least two days a week somewhere in the canyon.  Hiking the trails, finding a quiet spot by the river, letting the cold water wash over my feet.  It made me want it back again.  I find myself yearning to have those times back again.

So right now, this is what I want.

* I want to start a campfire in the canyon by the river and roast hot dogs and smores.  Even if I don't eat them I still want to do it.  And I want to be surrounded by friends when I do it, and play stupid games and talk about stupid things and just enjoy the carefree relaxedness of it all.

*  I want to float the Snake River again in my life.  Oh how I wish I could now.  The freedom of being on the river with one foot in the water, an oar in hand, surrounded by carefree friends.  Sun shining, laughter in the air, the excitement and thrill of the rapids coming up.  Oh I really want that back.

*  I want to play in the water at Bear Lake, lathered with sunscreen and playing with some kind of silly floating toy.  I want to eat sandwiches after I brush off the sand from my fingers.  I want to drink a cold soda while reading a book and drying off on the beach.

*  I want to feel the cool air in the pine trees and hear them sway in the breeze.  I want to smell the pine scented air and hear the squirrels call to each other.  I want to pull my jacket a little closer and still enjoy the sun on my face.

*  I want to witness the rushing sounds of waterfalls and enjoy the majesty of the Tetons.  I want to look out the car window and see the bison.  I want to walk the trails and eat lunch at a quiet spot on the side of the road.  I want to put my feet in the river and let them cool off.

I can have these days again.  Sometimes I just forget that I really can.  What's holding me back?

What do you want?

If I Could Turn Back Time..

I'd be Sher.  Okay, not really.

If I could go back in time though, this is what I would do.

First I would go back to all of the expectant mother's that were a part of my life (work, school, church, etc.) and I would cook you meals that at least your husband could eat even if you couldn't.  I would give you more time off of work and find a way to make things work.  I would excuse you from good behavior and/or customer service.  I would call you brave and beautiful and noble no matter what.  I would let you discuss baby names.  I would have even gone to your baby showers.

Second, I would filled our deep freeze with casseroles that my husband could bring out and reheat since I'm just not cooking anymore.

Third, I would have deep cleaned my house before the last step of IVF.  Floor to ceiling with ammonia and vinegar and degreaser and carpet shampoo and whatever else was needed.  The windows would have been clean.  The scuffs on the stairs gone.

Fourth, as much as we love Oscar, I wouldn't have gotten him.  I would have pushed the guilt aside and said no instead of decided to experiment and see if we are cat people.  He's fun, he's spunky, he's a little purring fur ball... turns out we're just not ready for an animal in the house.  And it also turns out that he's practically bored to tears with us.  Does anyone know of a good home.  He's litter box trained and everything.

Fifth.  I would have bought stock in Tums.

Sixth. I would have gotten rid of all the Bath and Body Works lotion and went with something bland and odorless.  With the super-prego-smeller nose everything is too strong.

Seventh.  I would have finished my bedspread that I started last year.  That way I wouldn't hate the one I have so much.  Not that it's bad, I just am tired of it.

What would you do if you could turn back time?

Honesty Really is the Best Policy

It's time.  It's time to come clean, to stop my absence from the blogosphere and let you know what is really going on here.

You see, I've had this vision in my head of what life is supposed to be like when pregnant.  The strong woman who experiences the morning sickness (or all day sickness as the case may be) and soldiers on with a determined smile.  She realizes that this is her lot and rather than complain, she thinks of the little one growing inside and knows that it will all be worth it.  She continues on, does her job, cleans her home, and cooks for her husband.  She retires for the evening with no complaint and prepares to do it all again.  She is somewhat of a saint.

I am not a saint.  Nor will I ever be one.  If there is one thing that I have really got to be honest about it is this: When have I ever  not complained?  Seriously.  I give the play by play and infuse a healthy does of whining.  I'm sitting here thinking that I have gotten exactly what I asked for... only not.  You see I want the pregnancy, I'll even take the weight gain, I just really really really don't want the sickness.  I also think that if I was 20 and somewhat naive about life I would be handling this much better.  I think that I would bounce back better.  When I was 20 I could stay up till 3 am and it would hardly make a difference in my abilities the next day.   But I'm not 20.  I'm 35 and 10 pm is my bedtime, 3 am will likely kill me.  I'm tired and I'm sick and I know that there are drugs out there than can help and why on earth would I not ask for those drugs!!?

I am not gracious and self sacrificing.  I am selfish and nauseous.  My house is a mess and I can't stand to look at the dishes let alone do them.  I'm having second thoughts... or third or fourth thoughts on our kitten.  I'm tired of the mess he makes.  It's not big, but it's there and again, I don't even have the willpower to do the dishes!  I think our basement smells funny and I don't know how to make it stop.  I don't know if it really does or if I'm super sensitive right now and everything smells funny.  I hate the taste of water and milk.  Soda is too sugary.  Juice only sounds good part of the time and only if I don't mix it.  The only food I've been able to make and actually eat is a pasta salad and tomato soup.  If I handle things too long then I think about it and then my stomach turns.  My salvation has been Sonic tater tots and I think I may have pushed it too far yesterday cause even that sounds gross right now.

My husband is my salvation.  He made the menu (I couldn't because nothing sounded good) and he's been cooking.  Fortunately we're just two and one meal will last several days, so really it's only a 2-meal thing.  I have found that if he makes it there's a chance I could eat it and be just fine.  He tells me not to worry about the house.  He says that no one is a good housekeeper when they don't feel good.  He tells me I look beautiful.  He tells me I'm doing fine.  He tells me not to be too hard on myself.  He tells me I'm okay.

See, my salvation.

So dear friends.  I need some advice from you.  You with experience in these matters.

1.  what did you do to help stem the all-day sickness?  Drugs? Spices? Voo-doo?

2.  Cleaning solutions: Tawnya, this one is more for you, didn't you do a vinegar thing that worked really good on floors?  It's random I know, but I desperately need to do a deep clean with no residue on anything.

3.  When in your first trimester of pregnancy how did your house look?

4.  Did you feel like you were going insane?  I kind of feel that way. 

So there you have it.  All out in the open.  No more hiding behind the saint/martyr image in my head.  Declaring my freedom to be who I am with no excuses.

Thank you dear friends.

Thankful for..

1.  Little Caesar's pizza at 9:30 pm.  Felt pretty darn good this morning.
2.  My husband's willingness to cook breakfast... banana pancakes.
3.  4 day weekend for my husband.
4.  The fact that I work at home so I get a 4 day weekend too.
5.  Wonderful family who has invited us for the 4th.
6.  Friends who have so willingly put up with me.
7.  The pitter-patter of kitten feet.
8.  A/C to be installed on Thursday.
9.  Good co-workers who also put up with me.
10. David's Family. I think they are awesome! All of them, extended and everything.
11. Good advice.
12. Good fences.
13. Restaurants so I don't have to cook.
14. Book Club women, past and present... sigh...
15. Life and all that it brings.

I feel a little overwhelmed at so much love and generosity and good feelings that have come our way these last few years.  We'll we've always been blessed but we've been completed overwhelmed as of late.  And Trish, I was so good to see you last Sunday, I was sad to have to leave so early!  It was fun to chat and laugh and enjoy.  One of the many perks of being down South last weekend.

It is time now to move on.  Time to get over the shock of these blessings and become a participating member of society once again.  To reciprocate the support that has been given.  Time to clean the house, really clean the house.  Time to get back into a work routine.  To cook even if I don't feel like it.  Time to be the responsible adult. 

And you know what?  It feels good.  Really good.  I feel like I've got my feet back under me again.  Not so much tossing about with every wind or hormone injection.  So thank you all again for everything.  Here's to a new chapter.

Monday photo... on Wednesday (shrug)

I have something for posts.  Fence posts, broken, old... It's something I have learned to accept about myself.  This was taken on Mount Kolob down South.  Last weekend was spent with family in Hurricane and they just happen to have a cabin on Kolob which is a blessing because then I don't melt.  Have I mentioned lately that I'm a complete wimp when it comes to heat... well I am.  Will do a later post on the trip and share some of our photos.

Getting a Grip

Do you know how? I have come to a few conclusions myself.
1. It must be done repeatedly. It is not a one time deal.
2. I used to be really good at it.
3. Not so much anymore.
4. Life changes mess up with one's ability to get a grip.
5. Changes such as kittens and their toys.
6. Random water stoppages due to construction.
7. Changes in income... aka getting a part-time check vs that lovely full-time one that was enjoyed up to June 1st.
8. Changes in health... aka what's the deal with this whole not feeling so hot thing... to be expected, but not enjoyed.

Getting a grip means admitting that you've lost yours. I, my friends, have totally lost my grip. I am currently sitting in my bedroom with the door closed. I'm shutting it on the laundry, the dishes, and the cat. I can hear Oscar playing in the kitchen. And while he is fun and entertaining and sometimes even cuddly, I'm just not in the mood to deal with him today. I am longing for that peace that I used to have. That inner peace where you're cool with the world and the world is in turn cool with you.

Getting a grip usually means making some changes. I may move my office to another bedroom instead of the downstairs living room. That way I have the ability to shut the door. It's kind of interesting how Oscar's perfectly capable of entertaining himself while I'm gone but just can't leave me alone when I'm here. This not feeling so hot things has also altered my reality. It may just turn me into a night person rather than a morning person. I find myself sleeping longer, as if that will actually help.

Getting a grip sometimes means re-incorporating things back into your routine. On Monday I braved the gymn. Crazy right. I even decided to tell that pain in my foot to take a hike. I decided to ignore it should it raise it's ugly head. Turns out it was fine. In fact I even ran for like 1.5 minutes. Do you know what happened during that 1.5 minutes? I hurt. But not my foot. It was my fat. That fat that has been leaching it's way onto my body since November when doctor's orders were to stay off of the foot. That fat that has been groomed to full saddle bags with hormone injections and mood swings controlled by food. That fat that has made it impossible to wear the one and only pair of shorts I own that are decent in public. It hurt. It was moving up and down completely out of control. I had no grace, no style. I shudder to think what I looked like from behind. I was like an injured llama trying to run. It was ridiculous. It made me realize just how lazy I've become. Complacent. My goal was always to "move what I got". Meaning I may not be the skinniest thing in the world but at least I can move what I have. I will now adjust that to "Move what I got with minimal pain involved."

sigh.

I am slowly regaining my grip. I am slowly adjusting to things that are now very much a part of my life. I am slowly coming to terms with my own reality.

I've Been Thinking

I have been having myself a think.  It kind of explains my absence from the blogosphere... kind of.

I have spent so dang much of my life dealing with infertility that it kind of throws my groove off being with child.  Does that make sense?  I had accepted my lot.  Wasn't exactly happy with it but acceptance hasn't been an issue for a really long time.  A huge portion of that is because of the wonderful people in my life.  How could we be so blessed if this wasn't part of "our plan" so to speak.

So now we have what we have been hoping for so so so very long and I find myself speechless.  Almost useless.  The week we found out my routine went right out the window and I'm not even sure why.  It just did.  This last week completely snuck up on me and I'm forgetting core things in my routine.  Crazy huh!

Now don't get me wrong, right now I wouldn't have it any other way.  I just don't think I ever really allowed myself to plan for what we'd do if things really did work out.  I had a great plan for if it didn't though.  The first thing was an Italy cruise as compensation for a failed IVF cycle.  It was going to be a great one too.  Luxury accommodations!  I would continue working on my slowly improving photography skills.  I would have the neighborhood kids over for Monday Matinees and be the coolest person in the neighborhood.  School loans would be paid in record time.  And I might even be done with the doctor forever!  Or at least not until it was really needed.

So here I am living the life that I wanted and not knowing how to do it.  I mean this could be the start of something normal.  What does that even mean?   I am not really asking for advice here, I just think it's kind of interesting.  And well, more often than not it seems to have left me without words.

Monday Photo

As part of my job I get to go around and take pictures of some of the events we do.  This was taken at the Alumni House.  There was a wedding and this was the arch on the lawn.  I loved the colors.

I'm feeling quite positive today

I have been absent.

Absent-minded, absent-bodied, absent in mental capacity.

I am back now.

I find myself searching for words today.  Well really all week.  And I guess if I'm going to go that far it might as well be the last two weeks.  My thoughts jumbled, my house more so.  But things are looking up.  Positive you might say.  I have been considering whether or not to "spill the beans" so to speak, but my dear friends, you have come with me so far.  How can I not include you on our journey?

I know it's not safe.  I know I may regret it in the future.  There's always the possibility that things just might not work out.  But right now there is the greater possibility that it will.  I just cannot believe that the Lord would bless us this much to not have things work out.  Our IVF process worked.  And if all goes well, we'll be getting a new little addition to our family in February of next year.  It's all very early.  Like ridiculously early.  Like no one knows this early unless they've gone this route.

It's all very surreal.  It's all very reassuring.  It's all very humbling.  I cannot tell you how much my faith has wavered and my silly worrying mind has made me such a doubter sometimes.  Yet the Lord still blesses us.  I know there's biology and all that going on, but our biology hasn't been something we have been able to rely on.  I've always believed that the Lord could "fix" us.  Make all the things that aren't working work again.  He has that power.  But for some reason or another we had to go this route.

I have watched as things have fallen into place for us.  With our home and our neighborhood and the wonderful, absolutely wonderful people that have become a part of our  lives.  Neighbors, family, friends, co-workers.  The change in insurance at David's work that has paid for majority of this process.  So many silver linings have shone around our trials, so many blessings.  So many that the burden has been incredibly light.

So today I am happy.  I am humbled.  I am grateful. 

Thoughts

I feel all in a jumble right now.  There are so many things that my thoughts skip back and forth between.  I wish that someone could just take a peek inside my brain and tell me what is important.  What to spend my time dwelling on.  What to just let go.  Tell me what is inside my realm of control and what just isn't.

All the traveling has come to a stop and I can rightly say that it's a blessing.  Gas prices on the rise and all.  But it has given me more time to think.  I've thought about my New Year's word, Moderation.  I wonder if I'm anywhere close.  I feel I have made progress but I seem to be the kind of person that bounces back and forth.  I get heavily involved in a project until I burn myself out on it.  Hence my unfinished quilt, half made gift bags and cards that are just waiting to be put together.  Or recently the room that gets half way cleaned, the laundry that gets half way done.  Perhaps I have eased back a little much.

I've also been thinking about friends.  Friends that used to be a large part of my life but seem to have drifted.  Friends that perhaps I took for granted would always be there.  Particularly one.  I've reached out and have been met with silence in return.  I keep on wondering if I have offended somewhere along the way.  Did I get so wrapped up in the things that are going on in my life that I neglected someone when they may have needed me.  Did they reach out and I missed it?  I hate the way these thoughts are plaguing me right now. 

I've always thought of myself as a loyal friend.  Once friends always friends.  No matter the distance or time in between.  I may not be a "best" friend or a regular "hang out" friend, but I just don't know how or when to stop calling them friend.  So I don't.  And when I'm met with silence by all of my inquiries as to how they are... well, I just don't know what to do.  It kind of makes my heart hurt.  And it makes me worried about them.  I wonder if they are okay.  If there marriage is okay.  If something awful has happened.  If if if...  Perhaps I'll try a more direct approach.  Like showing up on their doorstep and begging. 

I guess there are usually no easy answers to things.  Life just takes time.  Problems take energy to figure out.  Priorities need to be made.  People need to be remembered.  Nothing really profound about it.  Just gotta do it.

Monday Photo

It's nice to have flowers.  We didn't plant anything last Fall like I had planned on.  I was so very disappointed in myself.  I even had the bulbs, just didn't get around to it until the snow started falling and the ground was hard.  The last time I planted flowers was back in the "Adam's House" when we were in the 6th ward.  I still drive by every Spring and see how my flowers are doing.  It's nice to have left signs that we were there, good signs too.

Meet Oscar and Other News

Oscar Wilde?  Oscar de la Hoya?  Oscar the Grouch?  So many options.  Might even change.  I have been calling him Snickelfritz.  Who knows, maybe it will stick.

Fun facts/discoveries:

1. He sometimes meows while he's drinking so it sounds all underwater-like and that just makes both David and I laugh.

2. Despite his sometimes incessant meowing/bawling, he might just be alright.  (he's no good at our stairs yet, or at least hasn't been brave enough so I can "trap" him on another level when it's too much.  He stops after awhile so it works out.)

3. So far he only uses the litter box!  Yeah!

4.  David's job is to change the litter box!  Yeah!

5.  He's not cuddly, he's frisky.  And that's fine with me too.  He's just a little guy so it makes sense.

6.  This may very well be the last full post on Oscar because I like to think I have more of a life than that, and right now I really do feel a little pathetic.  So if you're thinking it, so am I.  Sigh.

In other news:

David and I did the embryo transfer on Sunday!  Woo-hoo!  So we're moving forward like rock stars and hoping that all the needles, mood swings, trips to SLC, and partial loss of sanity work out for us.  Meanwhile we have lots of things to look forward to this Summer.  Like:

Air conditioning!!

New bathtub and toilet in main bathroom.

Completed window sills!

Def Leppard concert with friends!  Double woo-hoo there.

A stay at the cabin at Mt Kolob (Hurricane way)

Family Reunions (yes we actually look forward to some of them.)

Garden fresh produce from OUR garden!

Hiking in the outdoors

Plays at the Old Lyric Theatre

Bear Lake Shakes

Long Summer nights

Lunch/breakfast on the deck

Outdoor BBQ

Thank you all for tuning in today, and most of all thank you for your support.  We have felt your prayers and well wishes for us and no matter what happens, it will be what is supposed to happen.  Who knows, maybe twins!  (oooh, eeeee, aaaaah... ugh?  hmm.)

Top 10 Signs You've Made the Trip to Salt Lake a Lot

10.  You have time to make a list.

9. You notice when they've changed a billboard.

8. You've read an entire book on travel time alone.

7. Skipping work isn't fun anymore.

6. In fact you try to make it home in record time so you can get some work done.

5. You start packing a lunch so you don't have to eat out.

4. Ikea is no longer appealing.

3. Your gas budget has tripled.

2. You mark your time by the roadkill that is still there.

1. I'm sick of Rachel Ray and I don't even have TV! (for some reason she's always on at the doctor's office.)

There you have it folks! 

On a side note, everything is going grand!  Lefty picked up the slack and more than made up for the brother of Bob on the right.  11 eggs my friends, 11.  We were hoping for 4.  My doctor calls me a late bloomer... like that's news.  So we're more than likely to finish up on Tuesday.

Too Much Information?

Sometimes I wonder if I divulge to much information on here.  You know, of the sort that makes people uncomfortable.  When I say things like "fertility" and "eggs" and "injections" and stuff.  I have actually been thinking about this for awhile. I know there are some people close to me that would feel extremely uncomfortable reading about such things and get all awkward and stuff.  Sometimes I find myself in a situation when I get told something that is a little out there and I find myself having trouble finding a place to rest my eyes.  (that hasn't happened in absolute ages by the way.)

And then I thought to myself "Why am I so comfortable with this?" because let's face it, I didn't used to be comfortable talking about infertility.  That was something private.  It was going to be a short struggle until David and I got things figured out.  And then things just stretched out.  And there were "procedures" and "operations" and drugs and general craziness.  The months turned in to a year, the year turned into 5 and now I'm an open book.  And I'm glad for it (the open book thing, not the 5 years). 

I am comfortable talking about it because right now it is my life.  Not all of it of course.  I am perfectly capable of having conversations that have nothing to do with children.  In fact sometimes I want to have a discussion that has absolutely nothing to do with fertility.  Not because it's too hard, but because I'm plum warn out on that topic of conversation!  There's a lot more to life right now than our "trial".  And in just a few days, it should be less consuming.  Because in a few days this IVF process will come to it's conclusion.

Thursday I go in for egg retrieval, Sunday or Tuesday we go in for the transfer depending on how "petri dish love" goes.  And then we wait.  Just like normal people do.  We wait for evidence of success or failure.  There's a test, a blood draw, and then we know whether we get our own biological kids or if our family really will be adopted.  I am not in any way shape or form opposed to adoption, but we had to see this route through.  Knowing that there are options out there that hadn't been explored... well, it would have continued to eat me up.  I would have always wondered.  And now we'll know.

As a side note but really related.  I once wrote a post about socks.  Someone anonymously commented with "too much info".  They had no idea did they!

Enjoy the sunshine my friends.  It's a glorious reprieve and I'm certain the rain will come again.  Just not today.

Monday Photo

I once went to a Chris LeDoux concert and I loved it.  It was awhile ago, obviously, and I went with roommates.  It was Erica's birthday and that's what she wanted to do.  We went to Ruby River for a steak before hand because it just seemed fitting.  At the concert Chris pulled out all the favorites.  Some I knew, some I didn't.  But some I absolutely loved.  "Western Skies", "County Fair", and "Look at You Girl". 

April leaned over and asked if I had fallen in love before at the county fair.  As it turned out I had.  Several times.  Then she said "I bet these songs just speak to your country girl heart?"  and you know what, the answer they did.  Country will always be in me no matter where I live.  It's my roots.  It's why as a semi-photographer I have an obsession with old buildings, fence lines, herds of cows.  They speak to my country girl heart.

Progression... kind of

This week:

1.  I have been to Salt Lake and back twice.  Each time for a doctor's appointment.  Each time to know we are right on track except for...

2.  Remember "Bob" and his nasty little brother "George".  Turns out George is still there, which we knew.  Which doesn't surprise me. A. Bit.  But he has hindered my right side, so it's up to my left ovary to make good on deal.  To respond with wit and charm and productivity to my nightly drug cocktail.  So that we can...

3.  Spend Sunday and Monday and probably Tuesday and Wednesday and next Saturday in Salt Lake again.  Yep, moving right along keeps us moving right along!  Can someone please invent a safe auto-pilot for our car that can be installed tomorrow?  Thanks.

4.  Last Saturday we pulled a lot of trees out of the yard.  And by "we" I mean David did all the work and I drove the truck.  4 loads to the green waste pile at the Logan Landfill.  4 large loads.  So much  more to go.  Feels good to be moving forward though so we can...

5.  Put in a raised garden in our front yard.  We don't play in our front yard.  Seems a shame to waste good sun on grass that we hate to mow.  So a raised garden it will be.  If it ever stops raining that is.

I know there's more my friends.  So much more.  Laughing, sharing, crying.  But right now I'm tired.  So very tired.  My doctor says that it's one of the side effects of Lupron but it doesn't usually effect too many people.  We've always known I'm not one of the "many" though.  And that's okay.

Have a lovely weekend my friends.

For My Mother and What She Did to Me

What, I can't post this late? My blog, my rules.

Mother's Day, the day to celebrate motherhood, the day to make all the other mothers out there feel guilty for not being as good as the mothers that are being talked about. The day for mothers who are being talked about to wonder when their children became so eloquent. And the day that exists for mothers to be put upon a pedestal in which she will inevitably fall off. (all in all, those of us without children might not have it that bad... so far I have zero guilt for messing up anyone's frail childhood and stunting their creative growth because I didn't let them take Tap for Two-year Olds. huh.)

Mother's Day to me has always been about my mom. She's wonderful. She's not perfect though and that's part of why she is so wonderful. In fact she's the first one that pointed out that Mother's day isn't always so fun for women whether they have children or not. In fact it usually left her with a fair amount of guilt because she "clearly didn't raise her children near as well as so-and-so did". (Which is not true because I know so-and-so's children and what they did last summer!) So, she usually came home with guilt and a flower to kill before the end of the week. But I digress.

My mother. Never was I so shocked when I came home from my mission to find out that in finding myself I was more like her than ever before. I mean hello! I had spent 18 months away from the woman. I had really and truly found myself! And I liked myself. I was fun and witty and saying things exactly like she did... drat! I was a little troubled at first, and then I found it not so bad. I mean, people like my mother. In fact when I was in high school she was more popular than I was! (She played the piano for the plays and everyone liked her.) She was fun. Still is. And together we are fun.

There are a few things that will endear me to her forever though. First. The mission field.

I had a companion. She was a little, shall we say "overboard" on the rules. She was stressed. She was drama. She was trying my patience. My mother had kindly sent me a Disney tape (I know, 'tape' dates me) with things like "Let's Get Together" and "The Ugly Bug Ball" and "A Whole New World". It was p-day. I put it in to listen to while I cleaned the house. My companion went a little crazy. In fact she locked herself in the closet with another tape player with hymns going as loud as the little player could go.
I was stunned. I kind of sat there for a minute and just blinked. Then I laughed (that's just the way I am) and lacking anyone else to tell I wrote it in my letter to home going out that very day.
It was my mother who gave me those wise words of calm and reason so I could deal with such a thing. It was my mother who saw the situation for what is was and knew just how to help her struggling daughter with this well-meaning but slightly off balance missionary. Yes, it was my mother who shared these words of wisdom with me:

"Do you think if I sent some Metallica she would melt?"

And that about sums it up. They were the perfect words. I love my mother. She's fun. She's a bit crazy. She makes me laugh. And most of all she puts up with all the drama her kids heap upon her. And believe me, the power of 7 (and spouses and children) combined can really pile up on a person. But she handles it with grace, and dignity, and prayers, and snark. Good woman that.

And on a side note: thank you to all the wonderful friends and women out there who brought me chocolate on Mother's day! Nothing heals the soul like chocolate. Oh and good friends. And good company. And belated mother's day gifts that might just be a Nook (yeah!)

Life is good my friends. Life is good.

Monday Photos

 Last Tuesday the Cache Valley Photographers Club went out to shoot the re-enactment of the joining of railroads East and West at the Golden Spike National Historic Site.  It was the first time I have ever been out there and enjoyed it thoroughly.  Here are some of the shots I got.

Guess what came in the mail...

It's kind of a big box huh.  Does not bode well.

I call these the "Big Damn Needles".  It's alright if it's in quotes right?  That's all I have to say about that. 

Something to look forward too....

Starting some of this on Friday.  Perhaps I'll just hide under the covers.

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.